by J.A. Skinner
Chapter 33
Still Wednesday 4th June
The Depression that is common in Huntington's disease, can put some people at risk of suicide. However, death generally occurs as a result of complications of the disease, such as a fall or an infection like pneumonia or heart failure
I’m going to call in to the office to tell Harry my plans for the next few days. I feel so detached from my life and my work right now and I am beginning to realise that nothing will ever feel quite normal again. When Mags left yesterday I couldn’t even go back down stairs on my own, but I know things have to get better than this. My Mother is really gone, the thought of never seeing her again, never speaking to her on the phone, never eating with her or watching the telly, never pressing her doorbell and getting an instant response because she’d been watching for me at the window. Who will love me now and take my part? I only seem to have these selfish thoughts and I’m ashamed that I also feel a hard fist of anger in my stomach at the thought of her leaving me all alone. I read the letter she left me after Mags left. I had brought it upstairs with the rest of the paperwork. How bizarre was my behaviour, talking about funeral arrangements one minute and having sex the next, and then sobbing over the letter ten minutes later. Very typically of my mother, the letter was written to reassure me. I know it now by heart.
‘Dear Tommy, You are so precious to me, not because you are my only son but because you are the best son a Mother could ever have. You’ve given me all your love and made me laugh and looked after me when I have been ill and made me proud. I have no fear of death, you know that, don’t worry about me. I have told you all my beliefs. As you read this letter I will be far away from this earth but at the same time I’ll be right here beside you. My spirit will have graduated from this failed frail body and I will, right now be free and strong and already aware of what my next adventure is to be. I will be meeting with my sweetheart Jim and hearing of his life since we last met. Please don’t be angry or sad, this is the way things are meant to be. You are now in a new phase of your life, your golden years have still to come. I always hoped to see you married with children but whatever you choose will be right for you. Remember I might not be there in my body but my spirit will be close. I am writing this letter just in case some day I don’t get to say goodbye properly. ’
My Mother was scared of nothing and her beliefs gave her a lot of comfort. I don’t feel her close to me now but maybe there’s too much anger in me yet.
I arrive at the office and Aileen comes out from behind her desk and puts her arms round me gently as if I am made of crystal. I am comforted by her touch.
‘It’s so good to see you sweetie, I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll put the kettle on and tell Mr. Wang you’re here. Is there anything I can do?’
‘Nothing really, thanks,’ I say a bit pathetically, ‘except tell me how to get rid of this anger that’s choking me. I never realised I’d feel so raw.’
‘Honey toes, believe it or not this anger will pass, you won’t ever get over losing your Mother, but you will get used to living with it,’ she deftly pours two mugs of tea and hands them to me.
‘Every day you will feel different until you begin to feel better, I promise, until one day you will wake up and not feel the sadness overtake you, now go see Harry.’
‘Good to see you Tommy, how are you coping with things?’
‘Not sure how I am at the moment, how are things here?’
‘Well o.k. but are you sure you want to be bothered with work things so soon…?’
‘Distract me, please.’
‘Well, we have a problem with the Fife foster placement, they…’
‘Shit, what’s happened with the twins?’
‘Calm down they’re fine, but the foster parents are being pressured to take on two teenagers on high profile probation very urgently, to keep them out of the young offenders institute, and they feel the twins should move on now before they get any older so the new parents can start to bond with them.’
‘But it can’t be done Harry, the legal stuff isn’t finished yet.’
‘I’ve puzzled it over all day and one solution is to approve Kate and Phillip as long term fosterers and move the boys immediately, then when the case has been to court their status changes to adopted instead of fostered.’
‘No chance of the family having a change of heart,’ this is my dread fear as I’ve lived through this several times before.
‘No, absolutely not, they asked to sign all the papers two days ago, handed everything over to the lawyers and have gone off on to Florida for a holiday. These babies don’t fit anywhere in this family’s life, out of sight, out of mind.’
He must have been practising, that cliché is perfect. I feel a burst of excitement,
‘Please let me be the one to tell Kate, when can we arrange it?’
‘Day after tomorrow if they can manage it, the foster carers can deliver the babies and the equipment they have, and tons of advice.
My God they will be hysterical, I can’t wait to tell them, all my angry thoughts have flown and I’m sure I heard my Mum’s quiet laugh in the distance, or am I going off my head. As Mags says, strange things happen. I decide to go to Kate’s tonight to get them to sign more papers to make the fostering legal, and ask if they can be ready for Friday with cots and things. It’s a tall order but I’m sure everything will work out fine. The family will rally round. I didn’t intend to go back to work till next week, but this is so exciting I can’t hand it off to anyone else.