by Anna Martin
After, I rolled onto my back and brought Zane with me so he was sprawled across my chest. I liked him there; it felt like he fit. While his breathing slowed back to normal, I traced patterns over the expanse of his back, teasing his shoulder blades and the dimples in his ass.
“Ellis?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you too.”
There were no words for that. I pressed my lips to his forehead and let go.
On Monday morning I dropped Zane off at his class, then drove across town to the office where the lawyer who had handled the divorce worked. Linda McKey was fire wrapped in pastels—quiet, calm, and deadly.
She had come highly recommended when things turned nasty between Oliver and me and it became clear that we weren’t going to be able to have a quick divorce with one lawyer representing us both. Having her on my side again was good for a few reasons: she’d won for me before, and she knew the background between me and my ex-husband, which meant I didn’t have to explain it to a stranger.
When I arrived at the office, I expected to make an appointment to go back and see her again later, but the receptionist said Linda was free and I could go straight through. I didn’t have any toys for Harrison with me and prayed that he’d behave.
Linda greeted me with a warm smile and a handshake, then ushered me into a seat.
“Good to see you, Ellis,” she said.
“You too. Although I wish it was under better circumstances.”
“Oh dear.”
She took a stress ball from her desk, one shaped like a baseball, handed it to Harrison to distract him, and sat back in her chair.
I took a deep breath and started to explain. Linda listened intently, even when I transferred Harrison from my lap to the floor so he could explore.
“So, I’m expecting him to be in contact, and I want to be prepared.”
Linda was quiet for a long moment; then she sighed. “That fucking man.”
“I know.”
“All right. Leave it with me.”
“Is that it?”
She shrugged. “It could have been an idle threat. ‘I’ll call my lawyer.’ ‘Well, I’ll call mine first.’ You know how it is. It might come to nothing. If he’s messing with the terms of the custody agreement, though, that’s good to know. I’ll check out the details and let you know if you can fire the first shot.”
“I don’t want to do that. If he doesn’t do anything, then I won’t either.”
Linda gave me a long, even stare. “What if he tries it again?”
“What? Not giving Harrison back? I know where he lives now. I can go back and get him.”
“What if he takes Harrison and runs? It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.”
“I… I….” I stuttered. “I don’t know.”
“He could. In theory. If he’s already in breach of the court order, then we can ask for things like forced supervision while he has Harrison. I don’t want to scare you, Ellis, but the last thing I want is for you to find yourself in a kidnap situation.”
“I don’t think he’d do that.”
“You didn’t think he’d divorce you. You didn’t think he’d ask for the paternity test. You didn’t think he’d refuse to give Harrison back just because you got a new boyfriend.”
I slumped back in the chair. “Ouch.”
“Sorry for being a bitch.”
She wasn’t sorry at all. I could tell.
“Look, I’m not going to charge you for this, and if I do some digging on my own time, then you can’t do anything about that. The decision to go back to the judge is yours alone.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet. There’s plenty of bitch left if you ignore me.”
I laughed, rose to shake her hand, then hoisted Harrison back up onto my hip.
“See you later,” I said as we headed for the door.
“I hope not,” she replied.
After Zane had spent five consecutive nights sleeping in my bed, I asked him.
“Why don’t you just move in here?”
My fingers didn’t stop their journey through the silky strands of his hair, so I felt him stiffen beside me. He shifted around on the couch so we were face-to-face.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. You barely go back to your apartment anyway, and I miss you when you do. I’d like it if you stayed.”
“I don’t know, El,” he said heavily. “We’ve only been together a few months.”
“You don’t have to. It’s an open offer. We’d save money on rent and stuff, so it would be practical…. I’d make sure there was space for all your art supplies.”
“Are you sure? I mean, really sure? Because that’s a hell of an offer, Ellis. Especially with….”
He didn’t need to say any more. We hadn’t heard from Oliver yet, although we were both of the opinion it was more a question of when rather than if. Despite our recent declarations of love, Zane remained convinced that it would be better for both Harrison and me if he were to leave, or at least distance himself from us. I was convinced he was overreacting, and even if he wasn’t, I didn’t want him to go.
There was no way I was going to be forced into making Sophie’s choice, between the man I loved and my child. And I was even more vehemently against being forced into any decision by Oliver.
“Look,” I said gently, reaching for his hand and smoothing my thumb over his knuckles, “if it comes down to a battle, I would much prefer to show the judge that I’m in a committed, loving relationship with a man who is a solid and positive presence in my son’s life, rather than admitting I’d dumped you as soon as Oliver put the pressure on us.”
“But—”
“The three of us are tied together now. Me, you, and Harrison.”
“I don’t want to be the reason you lose him.”
“You won’t be.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Honey, if you don’t want to live here, that’s fine. I promise. I like the way things are, and if you’re not ready to change them, I respect that. I really do. But for fuck’s sake, don’t let my ex come between us.”
“What do you want from this relationship, El?” he asked, looking at his fingers rather than at me. “Do you want more kids? To get married one day?”
He was right. This was too much, too soon, but I’d asked, and he deserved answers. “No, I don’t want to get married,” I said. “I’ve done that, and I don’t ever want to go through it again.”
“I’m guessing you’re talking about the divorce, rather than the marriage.”
“Yeah,” I said with a small laugh.
“What if you just got married? No divorce?”
“Zane—”
“It’s okay,” he said. “You don’t have to answer.”
“I’m sure marriage is right for some gay couples. I really am. And I will fight until my last breath for everyone’s right to be allowed to marry whoever they want. But for me? I don’t think it’s right. I’m just not supposed to be a married man.”
“Bullshit,” he said vehemently. “Is this the message you’re going to give your son as he grows up? That if you try something once and it doesn’t work out, don’t bother trying again because it’s probably not right for you?”
“This is different….”
“Like fuck it is, Ellis. You love me. You said it yourself. You want me to live here, to make this our family. And I want that too. But I’m not going to be your live-in babysitter and part-time lover.”
“Is this an ultimatum? We get married or nothing?”
“Of course it’s not. I just need to know that one day, when it’s right for us, we’ll make this official and permanent and meaningful.”
“And that has to be marriage? Our relationship doesn’t mean anything unless there’s rings and vows involved?”
He growled and surged up off the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. It had grown out a lot since we met.
“I want all of those things too.”
“But you won’t ever marry me.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said gently. “I’m sorry.”
The look of pure devastation that rolled across his face almost changed my mind. Zane gave me a tiny smile, kissed me on the cheek, and left. I guessed we wouldn’t see him again in a hurry.
Two days later I got a message to say Oliver wanted to go back to court to fight for custody of Harrison. I thought about telling Linda that Zane was out of the picture now, that Oliver’s main objection wasn’t even an issue.
Unfortunately, the stubborn streak in me insisted on taking Oliver to the cleaners. He wasn’t going to put me or my son in that position again. So I told Linda to ask that Oliver’s visitation rights be suspended while the case was being investigated because I was worried he would try and kidnap my child. I wasn’t likely to win that, but it sent a strong statement: I wasn’t about to roll over and play nice.
The claws were out.
Levon and Naema returned from Rome with a diamond the size of the Colosseum on her finger and a promise that they were planning on getting married sooner rather than later. Nae came to see me separately, since I couldn’t make her “welcome home” party for being so busy on Meg’s project.
In honesty, I’d been hiding from the people who would surely call me out on what had happened between Zane and me. I was also slightly terrified of running into him if he was with the rest of the group, and I’d have to act like my heart wasn’t screaming for him to come home. And on top of all that, I was starting to feel deeply ashamed of myself.
“What’s this I hear about you and Zane breaking up?” she asked as I made iced tea in the kitchen.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, come on, El,” she said. “I was your fucking shoulder to cry on before. I’ll be it again.”
“We just… want different things,” I said with a shrug, feigning nonchalance.
“Bullshit,” she said succinctly.
“Nae—”
“No, don’t,” she interrupted. “Zane was at the party last night, and he looked fucking miserable. So don’t you dare try and tell me this is for the best, or that you’re both happier this way, because that’s bullshit, Ellis. You love him.”
“I believe you told me that once before.”
“I did. And I was as right then as I am now.”
“But what can I do, Nae? He wants to get married and have kids.”
“So fucking what? So did you, once upon a time.”
“Yeah, and I had my happily ever after that wasn’t,” I snapped. “I don’t know how to give him what he wants.”
“Of course you do,” she said gently, encouraging me to gather her up into my arms and laying her head on my chest. “You’re doing it already.”
“Kids, Nae,” I murmured. “He wants kids.”
“So what? You’ve got one already. What’s another three or four?”
“We’d need to move.”
“And?”
“And I don’t know if I want to stay in the city forever.”
“Neither does he.”
“He’s so fucking young.”
“He’ll be twenty-three in a couple months. You and Oliver were already living together by then.”
“You’re a very argumentative woman.”
“Thank you.”
I laughed softly and squeezed her tighter.
Chapter 12
The next day, I walked over to his apartment. The sad thing was, I knew his class schedule well enough to know when he’d likely be home and when he’d be out. It had only been a few days since the argument, and I missed him something fierce.
He opened the door wearing no shirt and those loose Aladdin pants and an expression that said I’d really hurt him. Oh God.
Harrison let out a bright sound of excitement and immediately leaned out of my grasp, holding his arms out for Zane to take him.
“He really missed you,” I said as Zane carefully cradled Harrison to his chest and kissed all over his cheeks and head.
“That’s low, El. Real low.”
“I missed you more. I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“Being a total asshole. I won’t make promises I have no chance of keeping, Zane. I love you too much not to try and make this work.”
“I wasn’t supposed to fall for you,” he said, sounding almost angry. At me or himself, I couldn’t tell. Harrison picked up on the despair in Zane’s voice and gave him a snuggle. My son was, as always, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
“I definitely wasn’t supposed to fall for you. I figured…. I can’t really tell you not to let Oliver come between us when I’m doing the exact same thing.”
He huffed a laugh. “Yeah. That’s a good point.”
“Please be mine again.”
“You idiot. I never stopped.”
I had to kiss him then. Harrison was still held between us. I got the impression he was getting used to the sight of his daddy kissing Zane. I hoped it would be one of those things that was totally normal in his life. Boring, even. The sight of us kissing should bore him.
“I’m going to need to lean on you over the next few months,” I said as we moved apart, hands still gently gripping each other. “Can I apologize in advance for all the douchey things I might say and or do?”
Zane laughed. “Yeah. But you need to trust me more. I’m your partner… your equal. I know I’m younger than you, but I can handle it. I promise.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“God, I love you too.”
Over the next few days Zane gave his landlord notice that he was moving out and started transferring his stuff into my apartment. It was weird to see all of his things next to mine, like there were now two apartments taking up one space. After Oliver left I’d expanded into whatever space used to be his, and now I needed to contract again.
There was something that made me feel very content with the world at the sight of his toothbrush in the bathroom, and his tofu in the fridge, and his painting clothes shoved into a corner of the closet. I made space for all of his art stuff, as promised, and let him bring his TV. It was set up in the bedroom, though, rather than the living room. I didn’t want my son getting addicted to the damn thing.
Zane found some studio space to rent a couple of blocks over, meaning he didn’t have to go all the way into the studio on campus every time he wanted to do some work. I insisted that he take the cost of renting the studio out of his part of the rent on the apartment, since it was a new expense.
Then all we had to do was learn to live with each other.
The way he blended into my routine with Harrison was so seamless that within days I felt like he’d always been there. It made sense for him to be in our lives.
“Hey, stay at the door,” I said as Zane let himself in. He’d said that morning that he was going to finish up his early classes, then head over to his studio to get some work done. It was midafternoon, right when he said he’d be home.
“Okay,” he said, sounding cautious. I heard the thump of his backpack hitting the floor, then led Harrison around the sofa.
He’d been walking for a couple of weeks, as long as he had fingers to hold on to as he toddled along. I’d been waiting for his first steps on his own for what felt like forever.
“Go on,” I said. “Go see Zane.”
I let him keep hold of my fingers while he gained momentum, and Zane crouched down to toddler level, ready to catch him if he stumbled. When I pulled my fingers free from his little fists, Harrison kept walking on his own, right into
Zane’s outstretched arms.
“Hey!” Zane exclaimed. “Aren’t you clever?”
Harrison applauded himself.
“He started doing that this morning,” I said. “We’ve been practicing all day, ready to show you.”
Zane stood and carried Harrison over to give me a kiss, his lips stretched into a grin against mine. “We should go out. To celebrate.”
“For lunch?”
“Yeah, have you eaten yet?”
“Sort of. If you wait a few hours, I could eat again.”
He rolled his eyes and kissed me. “Okay. We’ll go out for dinner.”
They’d all warned me—the baby books, my mom, the doctors—and they were right: as soon as Harrison started walking, he didn’t stop. I’d watched him like a hawk before, and it only got worse. The rarely used playpen that I’d been given when he was born stayed assembled nearly all the time now, a safe and convenient jail to put him in when I needed time or space to do something without having to worry about him banging his face on something and bleeding everywhere.
Harrison had a love/hate relationship with the playpen. Most of the time he was okay with it, as long as he could see me too. It didn’t quite fit through the doorway between the living room and the hall and the hall and the kitchen, meaning if I wanted to go to get something from the fridge, I had to either take him with me or be prepared for him to scream during the whole minute and a half I was gone.
Having Zane around all the time helped. He kept odd hours, sometimes coming home in the early hours of the morning and sleeping late, or getting up before me to leave for a class. It wasn’t a problem. I just forced him to get into the habit of telling me where he was so I didn’t worry about him. There was an adjustment period for him too; he wasn’t used to having to report in to someone.
When I was in bed but still awake when he got home, Zane made sure to join me so we at least had some time to ourselves while Harrison was sleeping. He was pretty good at getting out of his clothes quickly too, and liked to sit on my lap and wriggle while he kissed me hello.
With him sprawled half-naked across my lap, I ran my hands up and down his back a few times, loving the smooth skin and firm muscles lurking beneath it. We had both been working hard the past few weeks, me on my freelance work and Zane on his final project. Taking moments like this was important, the calm at the center of the storm.