by Laura Martin
At the end of the hall Beth made her way down the narrow servants’ staircase to the kitchen below and took the key from the hook that opened the door. It was a matter of seconds before she was standing in the cool evening air, having turned the key in the lock behind her.
She moved quickly, cursing herself for failing to bring a shawl or cloak. The days were mild but it was still only May and at past eleven there was a definite chill in the air. Rather than go back for something to cover her shoulders, Beth picked up her skirts and ran across the grass, hoping the burst of activity would warm her from the inside. Above her the moon was shining, almost full, seeming to guide her to the cliffs beyond the estate. She had a hankering to see the sea, to feel the salty wind on her face, to be far enough away from anyone else that they wouldn’t hear her scream and rail and cry at the unfairness of it all.
The paths were familiar even in the darkness and she never once missed a step, but Beth had grown up knowing how dangerous the cliffs could be. A stumble too close to the edge and you would plummet down to the rocks below. Even without missing a step sometimes chunks of the crumbly chalk would just give way, and you only had to be standing at the wrong place at the wrong time. It meant she always stayed back from the edge, choosing paths a few feet from the drop as she climbed the steep hill.
Only once she was at the top did she stop, inhaling great gasps of air as she tried to catch her breath. It was about a mile from Birling View to where she was standing now, a mile uphill she had run without stopping. Still, even though her chest burned and her heart was hammering in her chest she felt the same freedom she always did up here.
After a minute Beth let herself sink down to the ground and as she sat there was a wave of emotion and she felt herself begin to cry. Her tears earlier had mainly been for her sister. For the cruelty of the men, and how they had taunted her at the worst possible time—just when Annabelle was beginning to venture out. Now Beth doubted she would ever be persuaded to leave the house again.
The tears that fell now were for herself. For a few wonderful hours Beth had really believed she could marry Josh, that she could choose the man she loved over duty, but still provide a safe and happy future for her sister and support her mother. For the first time in her life she’d been completely and utterly happy, and for the first time she had felt the guilt that was always hiding somewhere inside her float away.
‘Stupid,’ she muttered to herself. She should have seen it would never be that easy.
Beth allowed herself to cry for a few more minutes, feeling the dampness from the grass soak into her skirt. Then, with one last firm strike of the back of her hand across her cheek, she wiped the salty tears away and took a few deep breaths.
‘Enough.’
Tonight she would go to Josh, make him understand that she could not marry him. Then tomorrow she would ask her mother to write to Leonard Ashburton, seeking confirmation of their engagement and to set a date for the wedding. Beth didn’t think she would be able to write the letter herself, but her mother would be only too happy to oblige.
With the wind whipping her hair, she stood and started the walk back home. The descent was at a much slower pace than her frantic rush up to the clifftops but even so she was back at Birling View long before she was ready.
As she slipped the key into the lock and opened the door she glanced up, noting the candle burning in Josh’s room. He was waiting for her.
Chapter Twenty
The tap on the door was so light he wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t been sitting silently waiting for Beth. There was a book by his side on the bed, abandoned long ago when he’d realised he’d read the same page three times and still couldn’t recall what it had said.
As he padded across the room, his socked feet not making a sound, he felt a sensation of mounting dread in his stomach. Something was wrong.
‘Beth.’ She was standing in the shadows and slipped into his room like a ghost when he opened the door. He could tell she’d been crying by her red-rimmed eyes and her flushed cheeks, but when she brushed against him her skin was cold. ‘You’re freezing.’
She nodded, starting to shiver despite the heat of the room.
Without thinking he embraced her, pulling her closer and holding her silently until her body had stilled and some of the warmth had returned to her skin.
‘How is your sister?’
‘Sleeping. She was very upset. Understandably.’
‘Did she tell you what happened?’
Beth nodded, anger flashing on her face for just a moment. ‘It was completely unprovoked. Of course, she didn’t know the men, they just saw her and saw a chance to belittle a woman with scars.’
‘It’s just strange they came up to her for no reason...’ Josh trailed off, knowing it wasn’t the right time to debate human nature with Beth.
‘She’s sleeping now.’
‘Good.’
‘I needed to talk to you,’ Beth blurted out. For the first time since they’d met she seemed nervous around him.
‘Why don’t we sit down?’
She looked around the room. It was comfortable, not the finest guest room—that had been given to Leo—but still it had space for a small desk and an armchair alongside the bed. After a moment’s hesitation Beth picked the upright desk chair, perching on the edge. With that decision Josh knew she’d come to discuss something bad, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to resist choosing a spot on the bed where they could sit with their fingers entwined.
The armchair made a scraping sound on the floor as he pulled it over to face her. As he sat down he caught a glimpse of the despair on Beth’s face.
‘Whatever it is, whatever is wrong, we can fix it. Together.’
‘No.’ She shook her head. He could see she wanted to cry but she sniffed back the tears and set her mouth into a firm line. ‘I can’t marry you, Josh.’
Even though he’d half expected something similar ever since she’d walked through his door looking so serious and upset, hearing the actual words was like taking a knife to the heart.
The silence stretched out between them as Josh groped for the right words to change her mind. He understood, she would be falling back into her normal spiral of guilt over her sister, thinking that she needed to put her family first and sacrificing her own happiness. He understood all of it, but he couldn’t accept it. Somewhere he must have the words to make her change her mind, to make her see that she didn’t have to live in misery.
‘They taunted her, teased her mercilessly about her appearance. It was only her second trip outside the estate and that is what she is faced with.’ She was speaking quickly now as if trying to get him to understand something that he could never accept. ‘She was devastated, Josh. I’ve never seen her so upset. She said she is never going to leave the house again...’
There it was. Probably an innocent enough remark on Annabelle’s part, said in the midst of her despair, but the one thing that was guaranteed to make Beth turn away from him and back to a wealthy suitor who could provide the funds to keep Annabelle’s sanctuary.
‘I understand she is upset,’ Josh said, trying to be reasonable. Nothing would be gained if he showed quite how much he was hurting. For Beth to give up on them so easily, to reject their future together without even coming to him and trying to see if there was another way.
The feelings of abandonment were surfacing, alongside the sense of being second best. Long-forgotten feelings, ones that had been repressed since childhood, since Leo was chosen to stay and he was last to be claimed. Quickly he pushed them down. The time for emotion would come later; right now he needed a clear head.
‘She’s more than upset.’
‘I understand that. And I understand her not wanting to venture out in public again, at least not for a while. What I don’t understand is why we can’t be together.’
Beth rais
ed her eyes to his and he saw the pain there; he knew this was hurting her as much as it was him.
‘The house.’ She sniffed again, still just managing to keep the tears under control. ‘She has vowed never to leave this house.’
‘Surely it wouldn’t matter if it was this house or another house. The cottage we spoke about—’
‘No, Josh.’ Beth’s voice rose almost to a shout and she quickly clamped her hands over her mouth as she remembered they were surrounded by the other guests, hopefully sleeping peacefully in the neighbouring rooms. ‘No. She has nothing. No future prospects, no hopes of a husband or children. No friends even. All I can give her is this house, her home.’
‘I know you want to look after her, but you don’t owe her your own happiness.’
‘I owe her a little security.’
‘For an accident that happened over fifteen years ago?’
Beth closed her eyes, her face pale and drawn, the sadness evident in every movement. He knew she wasn’t making this decision lightly, but he also knew she was wrong.
‘Give it a few days at least. Annabelle might feel differently once the worst of the humiliation has passed.’
‘She may do, but I won’t. I’m sure Annabelle would urge me to marry you, to live my own life, but I can’t do that, Josh. Don’t you see?’
He stood, running a hand through his hair. ‘I love you, Beth. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. Give us a chance. I promise we will not abandon your sister. We will ensure she is contented.’
It seemed as though the silence stretched out for ever whilst Beth sat with her head buried in her hands. He hoped she was contemplating his words, realising that they could work this out together, as they had planned.
‘I’m sorry, Josh. I should never have dreamed.’
He reached out for her, wanting to comfort her even if she was pushing away their hope of a future together, but she stood and slipped past him, opening the door and running down the hall. As he listened he heard her let out the sob that she’d held in all the time she’d been in the room.
Chapter Twenty-One
It was the last day of the house party and when Josh emerged from his bedroom servants were bustling up and down the stairs with trunks and boxes. He doubted the other guests would stay long after breakfast; he couldn’t imagine it had been the most diverting few days for them when it had clearly been engineered solely to put Leo in the same place as Beth without much thought to the other guests.
He didn’t fancy breakfast, but was determined to see Beth one last time before he left, planting himself in a chair close to the door in the library in a position from which he could see the foot of the stairs. As soon as she descended he would be able to swoop out and show her he wouldn’t abandon her.
The minutes ticked past into hours and he had just started the sixth chapter on a particularly dull book about English marsh birds when the door to the library was pushed fully open and Lady Hummingford stepped inside. He stood, feeling the cool animosity emanating from her and realising he felt the same way about her. Lady Hummingford closed the door behind her with a firm click, but Josh quickly stepped past her and reopened it.
‘I’m watching for someone,’ he said, making it impossible for her to close it again.
‘For my daughter.’
He inclined his head, wondering what Lady Hummingford was doing here. He knew she didn’t like him particularly, but he wasn’t sure if she was aware of his entanglement with Beth.
‘She won’t be coming down today.’
‘I would like to see her before I leave.’
‘Unfortunately that will be impossible.’ She didn’t offer any excuses, any lies about a headache or a summer cold. Instead she held his gaze as if baiting him to argue.
‘I will send her a message. Then she can decide.’
‘Mr Ashburton, my daughter will not receive any message you send to her. None of my servants will deliver it.’
‘I will slip it under her door myself.’
‘I have advised the footmen that you are not to be allowed back upstairs.’
‘That is foolish, Lady Hummingford.’
‘On the contrary. I need to protect my daughters and I am doing just that.’
‘You still hope she will marry Leo.’
Lady Hummingford didn’t answer but Josh could see he was right.
‘Leo respects my opinion. One word and he will step away, withdraw his offer.’
‘Your brother is a man of honour. He might not want to marry Elizabeth, but he is bound by the promise he made my husband. I do not think a few words from you will change that.’
‘How could you do this to Beth?’
‘Lady Elizabeth to you.’
‘She will always be Beth to me.’ He knew he shouldn’t bait her but couldn’t help letting this slip out.
‘Leave. Return to India and let your brother and my daughter get on with their lives.’
‘She could be happy with me, really happy. Isn’t that what a mother should want for her daughter?’
‘How naïve you are. I want security, not happiness. That is what matters in this world. And not just for Elizabeth.’
‘I may not be as wealthy as Leo, but I can give Beth a good life.’
‘But what about Annabelle? What about me?’
‘You’d lose the house, but we could find you a nice cottage. It would be a comfortable life.’
Lady Hummingford sneered at him. ‘I’m a countess—the wife of an earl and the daughter of a viscount. Someone of my status does not live in a nice cottage.’
‘They do if they’re in as much debt as you are. Why make Beth pay for your husband’s mistakes?’
‘Why should I pay for them?’
Josh blinked, surprised by the venom in her voice. He’d never liked Lady Hummingford, but Beth had convinced him she was only looking out for the welfare of both her daughters. Now he wasn’t so sure.
‘Elizabeth will marry your brother and he will pay our debts. We keep the house. Annabelle gets to hide in her bedroom for ever and I...’
‘You can live in a house fit for a countess, knowing you’ve sold your daughter’s happiness for it?’
Lady Hummingford didn’t react to his words, instead pushing open the door to the library and motioning for two of the footmen to approach.
‘Think what you like of me, but Elizabeth has made up her mind. She is doing her duty and that will give her comfort in the years to come. She has sent word to your brother that she is keen to accept a proposal and I will push for the wedding to be as soon as possible. Within the month she will be married.’
He felt as though he had been punched in the gut and actually took a couple of steps back. Even after what Beth had said last night Josh had thought he could persuade her there was another way, a way that protected everyone but still let them be together.
The idea that Beth had already sent a note to Leo, had already given up on them entirely, was too much.
‘Leave. Leave Elizabeth in peace. Let her get on with her life without any further distractions.’
‘I will leave, but only once I have spoken to Beth.’ He eyed the two footmen. ‘And you’re a fool if you think these two boys can stop me.’
Lady Hummingford considered him for a moment and then nodded.
‘Stay here. I will bring her down.’
It seemed only a few seconds between Lady Hummingford disappearing and her return with Beth in tow. Josh was shocked at how pale she looked, how drained and upset. Her clothes were crumpled, her hair a mess and her eyes had dark rings around them, making them look sunken.
‘Beth,’ he said, stepping towards her, but Lady Hummingford intercepted him.
‘Sit there, Elizabeth. You have one minute.’
Beth stayed standing, her one little rebellion
, but Josh could see there was no real fight left in her.
‘We can still do this, Beth, we can still be together,’ he said quickly, knowing these were the most important words of his life.
‘I’m sorry, Josh.’ Her voice was flat, as if she’d used up all her emotion.
‘Have you written to Leo? Told him you will be his wife?’
There was a second’s hesitation and then a nod. Josh felt all the hope leave his body in one burst. She’d given up on them.
Not caring that the door was still ajar, not caring that Lady Hummingford was likely still outside, he stepped closer and gently took Beth’s face in his hands. He kissed her, knowing it would be the last time he kissed the woman he loved.
‘Goodbye, Josh.’ Her voice cracked and as soon as she’d said the words she turned and fled from the room.
‘Goodbye, Beth.’
* * *
Six hours later he was sitting in Leo’s study staring morosely into a large glass of brandy. He’d ridden straight to Leo’s Kentish residence, a nicely proportioned house just outside Tunbridge Wells.
‘What will you do?’
Josh didn’t answer for a moment. He felt as though his brain had slowed and thinking was like moving through treacle.
‘Return to India. I don’t think I can stay and watch her marry you.’
Leo leaned back in his chair and regarded Josh for a long moment.
‘I don’t have to marry her, not if you don’t want me to.’
‘No, marry her. At least that way I know she’s safe and you haven’t broken your promise. I know that means a lot to you.’