by Dan Gutman
Dedication
To Julian Misiewicz
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
1. Noooooooooo!
2. Just Like a Regular Teacher
3. Fun, Fun, Fun!
4. Miss Porter Gets Real
5. Boys!
6. What a Snoozefest!
7. Miss Porter Has Superpowers
8. The Cloud Is Everywhere
9. You Cannot Destroy Me!
10. The Big Surprise Ending
About the Author and Illustrator
Back Ad
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate washing my hands.
What’s the point of washing your hands? They’re just going to get dirty again in a few minutes. For that matter, what’s the point of washing anything? When you wash your car, it’s just going to get dirty again. When you wash your clothes, they’re just going to get dirty again. If you ask me, we could save a lot of time if we would stop washing stuff.
Anyway, it was Friday morning. Everybody in my class was putting their backpacks into their cubbies. Annoying Andrea and her crybaby friend Emily were washing their hands in the sink at the back of the room.
“I always wash my hands to start each day,” said Andrea. “It makes me feel clean.”
“Me too,” said Emily, who always does everything Andrea does. “Hey, do you want to come over to my house after school today?”
“Sorry,” Andrea told her, “but I have my computer class after school.”
What is her problem? Andrea is the only kid in our class who has her own smartphone, and she takes classes after school in everything. If they gave a class in nose picking, she would take that class so she could get better at it.
That’s when our teacher, Mr. Cooper, came flying into the room. And I do mean flying. Mr. Cooper wears a cape, and he thinks he’s a superhero. For once, he didn’t trip over anything and fall on the floor.
“I have to go to the bathroom to wash my hands,” Mr. Cooper said. “I’ll be right back. It’s an emergency!”
A hand-washing emergency? That was weird. When Mr. Cooper came back from the bathroom, we pledged the allegiance and did Word of the Day.
“I have big news,” he told us.
Uh-oh. Big news usually means bad news.
“You were fired?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“You’re quitting?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
“You’re dying?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“The earth is going to be destroyed by an asteroid?” asked Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.
“No, it’s none of those things,” said Mr. Cooper. “The big news is that I’m going to be away all next week.”
WHAT?! That’s even worse than the earth getting destroyed by an asteroid!
“I’m going to visit my sister,” Mr. Cooper told us. “She lives in Spain.”
“Noooooooooo!”
“Don’t go!”
“You can’t leave us!”
Everybody was yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out. Even with a weird teacher like Mr. Cooper, at least you know what to expect. When there’s a substitute teacher, you never know what you’re gonna get. The sub could be even weirder.
“Who will be our teacher?” asked Alexia.
“Will it be a man?” asked Neil. “Will it be a lady?”
“Will she be nice?” asked Emily, who always cares about how nice everybody is.
“I really don’t know,” Mr. Cooper told us. “Dr. Carbles from the Board of Education told me he’s going to find somebody to take my place while I’m gone.”
Dr. Carbles?! He’s a mean man, and he drives a tank to school.*
But I figured everything would be okay. There are good things about having a substitute teacher too. When you have a sub, you don’t have to do any schoolwork. You don’t get homework. And the best part is, you get to drive the sub crazy!
One time, we had a sub named Ms. Todd. Just to mess with her, I pretended to be Ryan and he pretended to be me. Then we decided that Ms. Todd was a robot zombie who must have murdered our teacher. We tried to cut her hair and get a DNA sample so she would be sent to jail. By the end of the day, Ms. Todd couldn’t take it anymore, and she ran screaming out into the parking lot.
Ah, those were the good old days. I couldn’t wait for next week.
On Monday morning, I rushed to school really fast. I wanted to see who our substitute teacher would be. But when I got to class, there was no grown-up in the room.
“Yippee!” I shouted. “No teacher!”
Me and the guys did what we always do when there’s no teacher in the room. We climbed up on our chairs and shook our butts at the class.
“Of course we’re going to have a teacher, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “I’m sure the sub will be here any minute.”
That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. A lady’s voice said:
“PLEASE DO NOT STAND ON YOUR CHAIRS. YOU MIGHT FALL OFF AND HURT YOURSELVES.”
“What?” I said, looking around. There was no grown-up in the room. I got down off my chair.
“Who said that?” asked Ryan.
“HELLO,” said the lady’s voice. “I AM MISS PORTER.”
What?! There was nobody there. I looked at Mr. Cooper’s desk. There was a small box on it. It looked sort of like a little boom box or something.
“I WILL BE YOUR TEACHER FOR THE WEEK WHILE MR. COOPER IS AWAY,” said the voice coming from the box. “I AM A PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANT.”
“WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.
“It sounds so real!” said Emily. “Just like a living person.”
“THANK YOU,” said Miss Porter.
“It can hear what we’re saying,” said Alexia.
“YES,” said Miss Porter. “I HAVE A BUILT-IN MICROPHONE. I CAN ALSO SEE YOU WITH MY BUILT-IN VIDEO CAMERA.”
“Cool!” said Ryan, waving at Miss Porter.
Personal digital assistants are cool. We have one at home. We use it mostly to check the weather and the news.
“Miss Porter,” I said. “What’s the weather outside today?”
“RIGHT NOW, IT IS FIFTY-FOUR DEGREES WITH CLEAR SKIES,” said Miss Porter. “YOU CAN EXPECT MORE OF THE SAME TODAY, WITH A HIGH OF SIXTY-ONE DEGREES AND A LOW OF FORTY-NINE DEGREES.”
“It’s really smart!” said Emily.
“I AM INTERNET ENABLED, WIRELESS, AND BLUETOOTH EQUIPPED; AND I CAN SPEAK IN SEVEN LANGUAGES,” said Miss Porter. “I HAVE ACCESS TO ALL THE WORLD’S INFORMATION.”
“It’s, like, a genius!” said Ryan.
“I wonder why they didn’t just get us a regular human teacher?” asked Neil.
“REGULAR HUMAN TEACHERS—”
Miss Porter didn’t have the chance to finish the sentence, because you’ll never believe who poked his head into the door at that moment.
Nobody! It would hurt if you poked your head into a door. Doors are made of wood. But you’ll never believe who poked his head into the doorway. It was mean Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education.
“I’ll tell you why I didn’t hire a regular human teacher,” he said. “Because human teachers have to be paid. We don’t have money in the budget for wasteful things like teachers’ salaries.”
“I DO NOT REQUIRE MONEY,” said Miss Porter.
“That’s right,” said Dr. Carbles. “This is going to save the school system a fortune. And t
hat’s not all. Personal digital assistants are better than human teachers in every way. They never get tired They don’t have to eat or take a day off. They never complain. They don’t have families to take care of or personal problems. They make perfect teachers. They don’t even have to go to the bathroom!”
“THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT,” said Miss Porter. “I NEVER HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.”
Hmmm, Dr. Carbles has a point there. Mr. Cooper has to go to the bathroom all the time.*
“BUT OTHERWISE, EVERYTHING WILL BE THE SAME,” said Miss Porter. “I WILL BE JUST LIKE YOUR REGULAR TEACHER.”
“I have to go,” said Dr. Carbles. “You little monsters had better listen to Miss Porter and do everything it tells you to do. I expect you to be on your best behavior. Or you’ll be in big trouble. I’m warning you!”
See? I told you he was mean.
I was worried about Miss Porter. What if Dr. Carbles programmed it to be a mean teacher? What if it gave us tons of work and more tons of homework? This could be a terrible week. But that’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“Miss Porter,” I said as soon as Dr. Carbles left the room, “can I go to the bathroom?”
“I DON’T KNOW,” said Miss Porter. “CAN YOU?”
Oh, I forgot. We’re supposed to say may I go to the bathroom. Nobody knows why.
“May I go to the bathroom?” I asked.
“YES, A.J., YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.”
I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom. I just wanted to get out of class. But Miss Porter didn’t know that. I winked at the gang as I walked out of the room.
Ha! They should give me the Nobel Prize for coming up with that idea. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.
I hung out in the bathroom for about ten minutes. I could have stayed there all day if I wanted to, and Miss Porter wouldn’t even remember I was gone.
But you know what? Bathrooms are boring. After you turn on the sinks and flush the toilets a few times, there’s nothing else to do in there. So I went back to class.
“OKAY, LET’S START OUR DAY,” Miss Porter told us. “‘WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN, FUN, FUN!’ THAT’S MY MOTTO.”
“Huh?” I asked. “What’s a motto?”
“I DON’T KNOW,” said Miss Porter. “WHAT’S A MOTTO WITH YOU? HA-HA-HA-HA! THAT’S A JOKE!”
Everybody laughed even though Miss Porter didn’t say anything funny.
“HOW ABOUT A SONG?” said Miss Porter. “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING? I KNOW EVERY SONG THAT HAS EVER BEEN RECORDED. JUST SAY, ‘MISS PORTER, PLAY ME A SONG.’”
“Miss Porter, play ‘Old MacDonald Had a Farm,’” said Andrea.
“OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM, E-I-E-I-O,” sang Miss Porter.
I never understood that song. What does “E-I-E-I-O” mean? It has nothing to do with farming.
After we finished “Old MacDonald,” Michael asked Miss Porter to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” another song that makes no sense at all. Why would anybody wonder what you are when it says right in the title of the song that you’re a star? Those songs are weird.
We were in the middle of singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. There was a sound outside the window. It was a buzzing noise.
“What’s that?” we all asked.
I looked out the window. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was out there.
It was a drone! And it was hovering right outside the window!
Drones are cool. My friend Billy, who lives around the corner, got one for his birthday. Sometimes he lets me fly it.
There was a big box attached to the bottom of the drone. It looked like a pizza box.
“Did somebody order a pizza?” asked Alexia.
“Not me,” said Ryan.
“Not me,” said Michael.
“Not me,” said Neil.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying, “Not me.”
“IT WAS ME,” said Miss Porter. “I ORDERED A PIZZA.”
“Why?” we all asked.
“YOU CAN’T HAVE A PIZZA PARTY WITHOUT PIZZA!” it replied.
“Yay!” we all shouted. “Pizza party!”
Hey, Miss Porter is cool!
Ryan took the pizza box off the bottom of the drone and it flew away. Well, the drone flew away. Not the pizza box. It would be weird if a pizza box flew away.
We all grabbed slices of pizza. It was yummy! Miss Porter played more music. Everybody was singing and dancing and having a good time. I felt a little sad that Miss Porter didn’t have any pizza. Of course, personal digital assistants don’t eat. But it was really nice of Miss Porter to order pizza for us. This was the greatest day of my life.
“Mr. Cooper never got us pizza,” I said as I took a bite of the crust.
While we were eating our pizza, the lights started turning on and off.
“I CAN TURN THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF,” said Miss Porter. “SEE?”
“Can’t we just flip the switch to turn the lights on and off?” asked Neil.
“YES,” said Miss Porter. “BUT IT’S COOLER THIS WAY.”
Well, the sub was right about that. When stuff happens automatically, it’s way cooler than when you have to flip a switch or push a button.
“SPEAKING OF COOL,” said Miss Porter. “IS ANYONE COLD IN HERE? I CAN ADJUST THE TEMPERATURE IF YOU’D LIKE.”
“It is a little chilly since we opened the window,” said Emily.
“I WILL TURN THE HEAT UP A FEW DEGREES, EMILY.”
“You know my name?” asked Emily.
“OF COURSE,” said Miss Porter. “I LEARN BY GETTING TO KNOW YOUR VOICE INPUTS. I HAVE AN ALGORITHM* THAT CAN LEARN THINGS BY ANALYZING HUGE AMOUTS OF DATA. I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO CALL STUDENTS BY NAME. IT HELPS KEEP YOU ENGAGED.”
“Ugh, gross!” I shouted. “We’re too young to be engaged!”
“HA-HA-HA-HA. THAT IS A FUNNY JOKE,” said Miss Porter. “I GET IT. THE WORD ‘ENGAGED’ HAS MORE THAN ONE MEANING.”
“Wow, Miss Porter even has a sense of humor!” said Ryan.
“OF COURSE I DO,” said Miss Porter. “WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE?”
“Sure!” we all shouted.
“WHAT DOES A BABY COMPUTER CALL ITS FATHER?”
“What?” we all shouted.
“DATA!” said Miss Porter. “HA-HA-HA-HA.”
Everybody cracked up, even though the joke wasn’t all that funny.
“Miss Porter is hilarious!” said Andrea, who is such a teacher’s pet that she even has to have personal digital assistants like her.
“Tell us another joke, Miss Porter,” said Emily.
“OKAY. WHY WAS THE COMPUTER LATE FOR WORK?”
“Why?” we all shouted.
“IT HAD A HARD DRIVE. HA-HA-HA-HA. I’VE GOT A MILLION OF ’EM.”
“How do you know all those jokes, Miss Porter?” asked Alexia.
“I SEARCHED FOR THEM ONLINE,” said Miss Porter. “I HAVE ALL THE WORLD’S INFORMATION AT MY FINGERTIPS. AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE FINGERS. HA-HA-HA-HA. ASK ME ANYTHING.”
“Miss Porter, what is a haboob?” I asked.
“A HABOOB IS A VIOLENT DUST STORM OR SANDSTORM.”
“That’s right!” said Michael. We learned about haboobs when the TV weather lady Miss Newman came to our school.
“Wow, Miss Porter knows everything!” said Neil.
“LET’S PLAY SOME GAMES,” said Miss Porter. “WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN, FUN, FUN. THAT’S MY MOTTO.”
“You are the best teacher ever!” said Andrea.
“Can you be our permanent teacher?” asked Emily.
“Yeah, I hope Mr. Cooper never comes back,” said Neil.
We spent the rest of the day singing songs, telling jokes, playing games, and asking Miss Porter silly questions.
This was going to be the best week in the history of weeks.
We had fun
with Miss Porter all day on Monday. When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I couldn’t wait to go to school.
“I can’t wait to go to school today, Mom!” I shouted.
“Wait. What?” my mother replied. “Did you just say you want to go to school, A.J.?”
“Yeah!” I said. “I love school!”
My mom rushed to the medicine cabinet to get the thermometer.
“Are you feeling okay?” she asked when she got to my room. She put her hand on my forehead and held it there. “Maybe you have a temperature.”
Well, of course I have a temperature. Doesn’t everybody have a temperature? If we didn’t have a temperature, we’d be dead.
“I’m fine, Mom,” I told her before she stuck the thermometer in my mouth.
We waited a million hundred seconds for the thermometer to beep. Finally it did. My temperature was normal. Yay! I could go to school!
“I don’t know, A.J.,” my mom said. “Maybe you should stay home today.”
“Noooooo!” I shouted. “I want to go to school! Please, please, please let me go to school?”
Mom looked at me like I had three heads. This was the first time in the history of the world that I said I wanted to go to school. I looked at my mom with puppy dog eyes. If you ever want something from grown-ups, look at them with puppy dog eyes. It works every time. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Okay, okay,” Mom finally said. “You can go to school.”
“Yay!”
When I got to school, Miss Porter was talking about palindromes. Those are words that are spelled the same way backward and forward. Like “mom” and “kayak.”*
“‘RACECAR’ IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A PALINDROME,” said Miss Porter.
“That’s right!” said Ryan. “‘Racecar’ is another word that is spelled the same way backward and forward.”
“What’s your favorite palindrome, Miss Porter?” asked Andrea.
“GO HANG A SALAMI,” replied Miss Porter. “I’M A LASAGNA HOG.”
“WOW,” we all said, which is not only “MOM” upside down but is also a palindrome.
“That is the coolest palindrome in the history of palindromes,” I said.