by LJ Evans
The air was chilly and fog drifted from the ground and up into the trees as we started out. The leaves had mostly fallen and as we trotted, the horses’ hooves tossed them into the air like small tornadoes. It was peaceful and quiet except for the sound of the horses’ breath and hooves pounding through the countryside.
I followed Blake’s lead, but didn’t bat an eye as he made some tough jumps over hedges, bushes, and fences. He always waited on the other side and watched me as I jumped. It was like I was in eighth grade again because he was always criticizing me on the other end. But he did it with a smile.
The morning went by in a slow, dreamlike state. It was beautiful outside, the horses were calm, and Blake was one big smile under his cowboy hat dipped down low over his eyes. It was a good morning.
It wasn’t until we were almost back at the ranch that I realized I’d hardly thought of you while Blake put me through my paces. It had been a reprieve of sorts because my body and mind seemed to ache constantly for the thing I was missing most.
As we rubbed the horses down, I teased Blake, “So, Matt’s a liar, huh?”
“Well, damn, I can’t say he is regarding this,” Blake waved at me and the horse with his smile that never stopped.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said with eyes narrowed.
“Oh just something he said about you attacking him at school one day that I’m sure was not true.” But he was already grinning in a way that made me know he knew all about Matt and my short-lived dating endeavors.
I threw the towel I was using at him, and he caught it deftly and tossed it back.
He drove me home with the same big, carefree smile on his face that he always seemed to have. As we pulled into my driveway, I opened the door and then looked back at him.
“Thanks for today. I really needed it.”
Blake’s smile lowered a notch. “I kind of figured. You’ve never been really good at having Jake gone.”
Funny how well he knew me considering how little time we’d ever truly spent together. I tapped the brim of his hat and jumped out. He drove off with a wave and a toot of his horn, and for a moment, I wished I could be back out riding with him in the fog with the horses so I wouldn’t have to feel the king-sized hole that was my heart.
♫ ♫ ♫
When school started on Monday, it hit me how much my novelty had worn off with the boys at school. I didn’t really care, but as everyone was being asked to the winter formal, I didn’t even get a “let’s go as friends” offer. I think it was mostly because I wasn’t able to show much interest in much of anything that the boys did. And let’s face it, teenage boys may not be all about long-term relationships, but they want a long enough one that will get them into someone’s pants. They weren’t getting anywhere near mine. So, they moved on. I was still good to flirt with, I guess. Wynn said she’d overheard Luke tell someone that I had a wicked sense of humor and sarcasm that bit anyone near me in the butt. And I guess that was true. I was as good at putting on that front as I was at putting on the makeup Wynn had taught me to use oh so long ago. But Wynn and I both knew that it was just on the outside.
Anyway, I didn’t have a date for our winter formal. That upset Wynn. She wasn’t going to be able to avoid being alone with Pete. It also upset you. When I got home every day, I usually sent you a text. You usually sent me one back after practice. The day before the dance, you sent me this long note about how I’d promised to participate in normal things.
I ignored it.
It was the first time I’d ignored a text from you all year. I’d fallen into a bit of a funk since Thanksgiving, and I hadn’t quite shaken it when you’d started scolding me, and I wasn’t sure even how I wanted to reply to you, so I just ignored you. I went about a whole week without texting you. Can you believe it? It wouldn’t be the last time I did that. But it was certainly the first. I hate myself for that now. For my stupid, almost childish, holding out…but…at that point, it was just my way of saying that you weren’t the only one who could disappoint or who could avoid the contact.
That week, though, I had a good distraction. Wynn had gone all the way with Pete, and then he’d promptly dumped her. It was sad. Traumatic for her. And I’d always thought Pete was a nice guy, if a little used car salesman-ish, up until that point. No more. We were on a “Smear Pete Campaign.” Hell hath no fury like Cam scorned. Someone should have told Pete that.
Anyway, our smear campaign was working pretty nicely. Luke and Matt were doing a good job of beating Pete up in gym, careful not to get caught. Girls were warned to stay clear. In the end, it made everyone a little more afraid to mess with me than they had been before, but it was worth it when Pete decided he was moving to Nashville to live with his dad. Don’t mess with Cam!
♫ ♫ ♫
Just about the time I couldn’t have avoided responding to you, you were coming home. This time for real. You couldn’t miss Christmas. I think your parents would have disowned you. I wasn’t sure how long you’d be home. UTK had a bowl game a couple days after Christmas, so you’d be home for a short time but then be heading back out to practice with the team.
Wynn, Mia, and I walked home from school the last day before break. It was a long walk, but we still did it sometimes when we all wanted some space and didn’t have a lot of homework to do. Normally, one of the many guys in Wynn’s and my little group would have driven us, but today, we wanted the time to ourselves.
When we turned the corner onto our street, there was your car, sitting in the driveway. I froze. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t take a step forward. I almost lost the grip on the books I had in my arms.
Mia saw the car and looked at me and saw my expression and took pity on me. “I thought you knew?” she said quietly. Of course, she didn’t know that I hadn’t spoken with you in a week.
Then we heard your voice from the porch. “Is that my ragamuffin of a sister?”
And there you were. Gorgeous. Lean. More muscular, if that was possible. Or maybe I just hadn’t seen you in so long that I forgot. My heart was beating like a race car ready to take off from the start line, but my body was still immobilized.
I watched as Mia ran up the steps and hugged you tight. You ruffled her hair and pushed her around a little like you used to do with me. God, I was jealous of her. Your sister. Being able to touch you. Mia looked back out at the sidewalk where I was still standing unmoving. Wynn, the ever good friend, was at my side.
Mia punched your shoulder one more time and headed inside. You leaned up against the porch pillar looking too damn good. Like you really did need tights and a cape. How did the girls at UTK have a chance against you?
“Hi, Jake,” Wynn called out and then turned to me. “I’m gonna head on home.” And she physically pushed me toward the steps which caused me to stumble a little. “Call me later,” she whispered and then headed down the street to go down the block to her house.
I felt like my feet were being dragged in the mud at the lake as I slowly walked the couple feet to the porch. You watched me the whole time. You didn’t have your lazy smile. You didn’t wink. You just watched me take every single step. You looked me over from head to toe and watched me climb the stairs until I was even with you.
I was suddenly very glad I’d worn my miniskirt and combat boots that Wynn had insisted I buy. They looked good on me, my legs still tan from a summer that had slowly disappeared into the coldness of winter.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” were your first words to me. You crossed your arms over your chest. I’d been longing for a hug for four long months, and you were denying it to me. Probably as repayment for the ignoring you thing. But hey, you’d started it.
“I was mad at you.”
“I gathered.”
We stared at each other for a long time. Your eyes flickered with light and emotions. I could smell you. That wonderful scent that was like Ritalin to my soul.
“Are you still mad at me?” your v
oice was making me heady. Like I’d drunk too much beer.
“Yes,” I barely whispered out.
“Hmmm. I wonder what we should do about that?”
God, could I think of a million things for you to do about that. But we’d put this wall up between us, so that we could pretend to move on and enjoy our separate lives that were so far apart in the span of years and experience, but seemed to be running alongside each other like the creek and the creek bed.
“Just give me a hug, damn you,” I said all grumpy and irritable.
And you laughed at me, like you always had at my prickles. It washed over me, smoothing my ruffled feathers. You pulled me into a hug, and I almost cried. It was like what I imagine a drug addict must feel when they’ve been denied drugs for way too long. It was just a hit. I knew I was going to have to go through the withdrawals all over again, but I didn’t care. I just drank in every moment of being held in your arms.
You didn’t kiss me. I wanted you to, but you didn’t. And I didn’t force it. We went inside, and your mama had baked sugar-free apple spice cookies that made the house smell like Christmas. We helped hang ornaments on the snow flocked tree that she’d brought home that day. We strung popcorn and berries on thread like we had when we were kids. We laughed and talked about school and football and diving like we had for years.
You pulled out your insulin kit a couple times in the couple hours we were helping decorate, and I didn’t say anything. I just let it slide. The fact that you were watching it so much didn’t bode well. But at that moment, I was just so happy to see you that I didn’t want to disturb it with talk of diabetes and sugar levels. To see you seemingly so happy and—most importantly—home, was all I wanted at that moment.
My parents came over for dinner, and our daddies drilled you with talk of football, parties, and classes. They were reliving their own college days through you. Lots of “remember whens” went around. Our mamas rolled their eyes and cut off stories they felt weren’t appropriate for me… or maybe Mia? Who knows?
After a while, you and I made hot chocolate—yours was sugar free—snagged some blankets, and made our way out back to the tree house. We climbed to a place where we knew no one would disturb us. It was our house after all.
We huddled together wrapped in the blankets, the bare skin of my leg rubbed against your jeans and made my nerves come alive. But we were silent, ignoring the electricity in the air. Instead, we just drank our hot chocolate, watched our breath materialize in the cold night air, and stared at the stars like we used to.
“How was Homecoming?” you asked finally.
I made a grimace. You laughed.
“I didn’t know boys could be so slobbery.”
You chuckled again. I think I would have preferred it if you’d gotten all possessive and angry.
“How was your Homecoming?”
You shrugged and got serious. That worried me.
“Do you like her very much?” It came out of me like a paper being torn from a notebook. Raspy and rough.
“Who? Kate? Nah,” you replied, and I felt like someone had lifted a shackle from my heart just a little. But you’d known immediately who I was talking about, so that wasn’t good either.
“You were so serious. I thought maybe you… her…” I couldn’t finish.
You looked into my eyes for a long time. Like you wanted to say something to me and were debating it, but whatever it was you let your brain win out over your heart.
Instead, you looked out at the night, took a slug of hot chocolate, and then moved on to a new topic. “My lows and highs have been all over the place.”
I knew you meant your glucose. My heart stopped.
“What do the doctors say?”
“Stress. Change. That it’ll balance out after football season is over.”
“What does your coach say?”
“As long as I’m good to throw, he doesn’t really care. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but he’s all about the win, you know?”
I nodded and put my head on your shoulder. It wasn’t sexy at all. It was more like what I would have done when I was eight and you were eleven.
“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself,” I said with a lump in my heart.
You nodded and laid your head on top of mine.
♫ ♫ ♫
You were only home five days. Five days. But I saw you every day. You took me driving so I could practice some more before my driving test in a couple weeks. We went to the lake and did some fishing. We biked in the rain and came home soaked through to the skin. We just hung out. Like we always had. Like there was nothing between us, even though there was a wall of cotton. Not once did you try to kiss me. Not once did I try to kiss you.
But it was really good to be near you. To have you hug me once in a while. To just be able to sit next to you in front of the TV and make fun of the ABC drama shows like we always had.
But then you were gone.
♫ ♫ ♫
UTK’s quarterback got cracked up in the first half of the first bowl game. They brought you in. We watched on TV as you battled it out. You got beat up pretty good. Your offensive line sucked. I was screaming at the screen, jumping up and down like a madman, so angry that they were letting the other team slaughter you.
But even though you guys lost, I saw that when you took your helmet off, you were smiling. That gorgeous, heart-stopping smile of yours, and it got you a photo in the national papers. Your face was plastered all over the place. And let’s face it, you’d made some amazing passes. And UTK had made two touchdowns because of you. You were a god among men again. That day, the team was clapping you on the back, and the coach was looking at you in that thoughtful way that coaches do when they think about making drastic changes. It didn’t really matter though because the season was over for your team.
The Moment I Knew
“And what do you do when the one who means the most to you
Is the one who didn't show.”
- Taylor Swift
I called you on your birthday. You were at a party the football team had thrown for you. It was hard to hear you. All I basically got to say was “Happy Birthday” before you were dragged away. I hoped they knew enough not to get you drunk with your glucose levels all over the place. But then, you had never been the one to do the spontaneous thing. You would be smart if no one else was. You’d practiced a lot being around me.
My parents were doing a big ol’ “Sweet Sixteen” thing for my birthday. I hadn’t really wanted a party, but Wynn convinced me to let them do it. I think she wanted a party. She was still recovering from the whole Pete fiasco. Trying to pretend like she didn’t give a rat’s patootie about him or what had happened, while we both knew she’d been devastated. But what put me over was the chance of seeing you. You hadn’t exactly promised. You wouldn’t promise anything unless you were sure. But you said you’d try to come home for it.
My real birthday was two days before the party. I passed my driving test the day I turned sixteen, and you called to say happy birthday and congratulations. We were right in the middle of cake and candles and the birthday song. I pretty much just got a “Happy Birthday” before I had to go.
On Saturday, I got all dressed up, excitement bubbling up in me like Mentos in a soda bottle at the thought of seeing you again. Of having you near me. It was a repeat of your sixteenth and my thirteenth birthday party with the backyard lit up with fairy lights and a band and the barbecue. If I closed my eyes, I’d be right back to that time you’d crawled up into the tree house and gave me my broken heart necklace that was still pretty much the only jewelry I ever wore. I wasn’t really a jewelry type of girl. But your necklace was never far away from me.
The turnout for the party was good. My flirty obnoxiousness still made the boys like me enough to want to hang out, and I clearly wasn’t a threat to the girls because they all knew that I was just about the flirtation and nothing more. And I was honest t
o the core, so everyone could expect me to tell it like it was. My quick tongue, for the first time in my life, paying out for me. I guess it made me original. I’d never thought I’d be popular like you or Blake or Wade had been, but…it was a role that fit me. I wasn’t a follower. Didn’t really care to lead either, but I could hold my own.
That night, every time the back door opened, I’d look to see your face bursting around the corner. As the night wore on, and you didn’t show, the Mentos bubble ran out. I still smiled and danced with my friends and guys who were my friends like Matt, but inside, my heart was crumbling like MoonPies left out too long.
I should have known. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. But…I couldn’t help it. I was waiting for you. The sparkly lights were up. I was in a gorgeous dress. It was for you. But I should have known…
Once most of the people had left, I crawled up into our tree house like I had on my thirteenth, after Brittney had tortured me with her cruel words. My heart started pounding when I heard footsteps on the ladder, but it was Mia’s head instead of yours that popped up.
“Sorry to disappoint,” Mia said with an apologetic, knowing smile. I just gave her a weak smile back.
“Jake sent me a text. Told me where to find this to give to you.” She handed me a present. I noticed that she didn’t make excuses for you. Didn’t tell me why you weren’t here. I guess I kind of knew why. It was the same reason you hadn’t come home at Thanksgiving.
When I opened the present, it was a star certificate. You’d had a star named after me in the Delphinus constellation. The dolphin constellation. Next to the certificate was a pair of dolphin earrings with our birthstone in them. I just stared at all of it for a long time. Thinking of all the stars we’d watched together. Thinking of you. Thinking of you telling me that I was like a beautiful dolphin when I was in the water. God.
You’d obviously remembered it all too. The dolphin. The stars. And you’d put it all together to have a stupid star named after me. And sent me stupid dolphin earrings. It was the stupidest, most perfect gift and only one that you could have given to me. It made my eyes sting and my heart break which made me want to punch something. Instead, I crumpled the wrapping paper until it was a tight ball that I could smash back and forth at the ceiling. My poor parents, the used Jeep they gave me to drive around in couldn’t come close. You were always the winner when it came to me.