by LJ Evans
He smiled at what he perceived to be my hesitation and reached his hand out to touch my bare arm. In the past, this would have made me so happy. I would have thought it a tender move. That he was offering me something. Instead, I was disgusted. I took a step back.
“How’s Marcie?” I asked.
This made him grimace. “Making wedding plans.”
“You’re getting married?” I asked with my own surprise.
He shook his head. “I haven’t proposed, no.”
Then I just laughed because I couldn’t help it. Wasn’t that so typically Hayden? Overwhelmed and unprepared and wanting to be the big shot while everyone else did the work. Now, it was catching him in the pants because he was going to be roped into a marriage he didn’t want. One he’d never wanted.
My laughter made him growl. “I don’t think there’s anything to laugh about, Mia.”
“So just tell her you don’t want to get married.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
Right then, I realized that I was wasting my breath. That I’d already not only shut this door but had gone a good way toward obliviating it, and that now I was just giving Hayden way more energy and time and space than he deserved. He had never truly earned any of my time and energy and space, and, besides, I had a sexy musician that I loved waiting for me.
“I have to go.” I stepped around him toward the exit.
“You’re leaving?” His voice was full of shock again.
I turned back. “Yes, Hayden, I’m leaving.”
Before I could register it, he’d closed the distance and pushed his lips against mine in a kiss that was wet, and slobbery, and nothing like the demanding passion of Derek’s. It made me gag. Full gag reflex, and I pulled back and slapped him.
“What the fuck?” he snarled.
“What part of ‘I’m leaving’ made you think I wanted you to kiss me?” I stormed at him.
“You’ve always—”
“Wanted you to kiss me? Yes. That was true. In the past. But this might surprise the bejesus out of you, Hayden, but I have a boyfriend, and a career, and a life that I love way more than I ever loved you.”
He just stared, knuckles pressed against his red cheek.
I felt just a tinge of guilt. It wasn’t his fault. I had done this. I’d followed him around and come running whenever he snapped. I hadn’t ever done anything that would make him think that I’d tell him no. He’d come searching for me in hopes of getting laid or maybe of getting someone to do his dirty work like I’d done all the hard work in our fraternity. And Hayden wasn’t used to being told no.
“Good luck, Hayden, with the company, and Marcie, and the wedding. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t contact me any more. It upsets my boyfriend.”
I turned and walked out. I didn’t look back. I didn’t care what he looked like. I felt proud of myself because I’d made another huge step forward today. I was leaving behind my old skin and turning into this new version of Mia that I actually liked. It was the first time I’d liked myself in a really long time. If ever.
Lyrics streamed through my head, and I realized that, once again, the great philosopher, Ed Sheeran, was right. That you had to first save yourself before you spent time and energy on others. That you had to love yourself in order to be loved. You had to stop blaming the world. Stop blaming golden boys. Stop blaming a dead brother. Stop blaming the guilt. Stop blaming your conscious. Just be who you are and let everything else fall into place.
Love
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?
“I’ll be taking my time,
Spending my life,
Falling deeper in love with you.”
-Ed Sheeran
As I exited the lobby, my heart was soaring. Not because I had put Hayden in his place, but because I was going to see Derek. Because I was going to get to feel his fingers tangled with mine. Because I’d get to stand next to him while he twirled my hair up to my lips and caressed them with fingers callused from playing the guitar. That I’d feel wanted and beautiful.
I’d get to be with the man I loved. Nothing else mattered. Not time. Not space. Not miles. Not realities. Just the love we had for each other. Hope filled me completely, in a wave so strong that I couldn’t push it aside. I didn’t want to.
The fog had settled in early tonight. It was hard to see very far in front of me as I went to get into the taxi line, but then I heard my name again. This time, it was from lips that I loved to kiss, and when I turned, there was Derek, appearing through the fog like he had just apparated there.
“Derek.” I flew to him. Little Bird flying to the eagle.
He held me up tight against him where I belonged as if I was part of his chest. Where I simply belonged.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I took in the scent that I loved. That lemony guitar oil and muskiness that was so completely Derek.
“Where is the asshole?” Derek asked.
I looked up. “You came because of Hayden?”
“Asshole shows up at the hotel unasked. Of course I did!”
I smiled probably the largest smile of my lifetime because I’d never had anyone go all jealous over me. I’d never had anyone care that much. I buried my head into his chest again because I was afraid that if I didn’t, I’d lose it. Tears of happiness, instead of pain and guilt. But I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to ruin my kohl and this moment.
Right then, filled with happiness and closure and love, I let it all burst out of me. “I love you,” I said into his chest. It was quiet, but I knew he heard it because I felt his arms tighten around me, drawing me even closer.
“Thank God!” he said with equal parts relief and teasing in his tone.
I looked up again to smile at his gorgeous face. His face that was smiling back at me, cleft stretching in that way that had quickly become my whole world.
“This would be the time for you to say it back.”
“No time, Little Bird, no time. George is going to kill me because we are going to be so fucking late.”
“Holy macaroni! Your show!”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry. Lonnie’s driving. He’s like an Indy race car driver. Or maybe more like those guys from The Fast and the Furious. We’ll be there in no time.”
“Lonnie’s with you?”
Derek nodded as he kissed my temple.
“He wouldn’t let me come alone. He was afraid I’d go all serial killer.”
Derek pulled me by my hand back into the fog where we found the SUV with Lonnie behind the wheel, grinning like the madman I knew him to be. Derek dragged me onto his lap in the passenger seat, and we strapped ourselves into the seat belt in a completely unsafe way that would have had the old me screaming safety rules.
Lonnie spun out into the street, causing people to slam on brakes and honk all around us. I gasped. “Maybe I should drive.”
“I’ve got this,” Lonnie said, still with his crazy smirk. Then he turned serious. “Did you beat the shit out of lover boy?”
“Of course not,” I responded, slightly offended.
Lonnie laughed hard. “Not you, sweet cheeks, I was talking to my man.”
“I didn’t even see the bastard. Phillips had already left him in the dust.”
“Good for you.” He reached his hand out for me to high five, making the car careen wildly.
“Just drive, you big idiot,” I said with a smile.
“Hey, I have my own nickname now?”
I eye-rolled him. “If you want idiot to be your nickname, more power to you.”
“You call him moron and then sleep with him, so idiot can’t be that bad.”
Before, I would have flushed a thousand shades of red at the reference to me sleeping with Derek, but the new, sassy me just smiled. Even though Derek hadn’t said “I love you” back. Even though he had said there was no time for I love you.
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We were twenty minutes late when we pulled up out front of the venue. There was a line waiting to get in that wrapped around the block and reminded me again that this man I was with was going to be singing himself into fame and fortune. The bouncers started to chew us out, but then saw Derek. He tossed one of the overgrown Wreck-It Ralphs the keys and asked them to park it for us, as we flew through the doors toward the stage.
Derek hadn’t let me go, and I pulled hard once we hit the steps. “Where should I sit?” I asked.
He just ignored my tug and my words and pulled me up with him. He held my fingers tightly with his as he grabbed the mic from the MC, and I continued to pull in the opposite direction.
“Hello, San Francisco!” he hollered into the mic, and the crowd cheered crazily while eyeing me like I was a fly that flew into their iced tea. “I’m sorry we’re late, but I had to save my lady from a monster.”
The world erupted in laughter, applause, and whistles.
“And I’m afraid I owe you all another apology. You see, I’m going to kick off our show with a song that doesn’t belong to us.”
The crowd quieted down, as intrigued as I was nervous.
“You see, my lady—my Little Bird here—she’s an Ed Sheeran fan.” The audience was a mix of groans and whistles because Derek’s music and Ed’s music were not the same. Both good, but in very different ways. And I was surprised that he remembered that I liked Ed Sheeran so much.
He grinned at me, that gorgeous BB grin that made my insides and heart and soul turn to puddles every single time.
He turned back to the audience and waved for them to quiet. “I know. I know. But I went and got permission from our man Ed so that I could sing this one song for her.”
His guitar was pressed into his hands by Lonnie, and he had to let me go, and I looked for an escape route for the second time this evening.
“Don’t you dare,” he said into the mic, but it was directed at me.
Then he broke into “How Would You Feel.” And I couldn’t go anywhere even if I’d wanted to. I was frozen to the spot as he sang one of my top three Ed songs that would now be my favorite forever. Because how would I feel when he told me he loved me like it was something he just had to do? How would I feel if we really spent our life falling deeper in love? How did I feel after I’d just told him I loved him, and now he was telling me that too? How did I feel? Well…I felt like my life had just begun.
♫ ♫ ♫
“Rise and shine, Little Bird,” Derek spoke quietly in my ear, his breath tickling my neck and sending goose bumps of pleasure down my body.
But holy Twizzlers, even with the temptation of him, it was too early. It had to be before five a.m. We’d barely fallen asleep three hours ago.
“It’s an almost three-hour journey out to the caverns.” He laughed at me as I groaned and turned my head away. He grabbed my foot, tickled it, and pulled me to the edge of the bed before I could stop him.
He caught me in his arms, setting my feet on the ground as he always did. “I take it all back. I hate you,” I said, but I was already smiling, and he was too.
Rob and Trista left as we did, taking the bus up to Oregon while the rest of us drove out to the California foothills. Derek let Lonnie drive, which I thought was a mistake after the misadventures last night, but I also loved it because it meant I got to ride in the back seat, snuggled up next to Derek, where I was able to snooze again for most of the journey.
The boys’ voices, teasing and ribbing each other, washed over me as I slept. It felt comfortable. Like I’d always been a part of this group of overgrown adolescents. Like I was where I belonged. How many times had I felt that way in the past two weeks? More than I ever had at UTK with Hayden, that’s for sure.
But this wasn’t really where I belonged either. That thought pulled me from my sleep. Because I would eventually need to go home. To my family. To the dealership. I had told Derek I loved him. And he’d sung it back. Yet, we still hadn’t talked about our realities. We still hadn’t talked about if there was any way to really make this work.
We pulled into the caverns, and Derek kissed me on the temple as if sensing I’d gone somewhere again. I just smiled and went to get my gear.
Mitch, as always, went to check us in. We were going on the “Middle Earth” tour, which was so incredibly appropriate for a booklover like me. Harry Winston and I had read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings series in sixth grade. Our favorite arguments had been over the advantages of dwarf versus elf.
Middle Earth and I were one. I told Derek that, and he laughed. Then he pretended to be Aragorn, trying to swing me onto the SUV bumper like he was swinging me onto his horse, which just made me laugh and tell him that he was no moody Aragorn. He pretended to be offended, huffing off to Mitch and Owen, leaving me with Lonnie.
Lonnie and I checked our packs. “You’re good for him,” he said seriously.
I looked up at him in surprise. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Lonnie serious. Even onstage.
“He’s only had a couple of girlfriends, you know.”
I nodded. His dad and the PlayBabe Mansion had left their mark on him in all things relationship.
“But you make him happier than I’ve ever seen him. He seems…I don’t know…whole.”
I flushed a thousand shades because Derek made me feel whole as well. Like I’d finally found the other half of my cookie that God had sent down to Earth for me.
“Don’t hurt him, or I’ll have to go all serial killer on you,” he said with a teasing tone, but I knew he meant every word.
“I love him.”
“That doesn’t mean you won’t hurt him.”
Wasn’t that the truth? Because hadn’t I just been thinking about our lives, and our paths, and how they didn’t cross naturally? Look at what had happened with Jake and Cam, or a million other people who once loved each other and then slowly tore each other apart.
“I can only promise to try not to,” I told Lonnie.
It was Lonnie’s turn to nod, and then Derek was back with his playful grin.
“No, no, no. Whatever Lonnie is trying to convince you of, do not do it. Walk away, Miss Mia. Walk away.”
I grinned and grabbed his hand in mine. An action that I could do now, when two weeks ago, it would have been impossible. My heart soared at it. At the ability to do it, as much as the fact that it was Derek’s hand that I’d grabbed. I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Another huge step forward.
“Are you offering better?” I whispered, our lips still touching.
“Do you want Lonnie to be my first kill? Because he and I go a long way back. High school back.”
I laughed and kissed him again until the boys groaned and hollered for us to get a room or get a move on.
Derek flipped them all off, but then pulled me toward them so we could meet up with our guide. None of the boys had been on this tour. We were definitely going to get dirty, and there would be more rock climbing than I’d done up until this point, but I was excited.
And holy Cheetos was it worth it!
The dirt, the climbs, the scraped hands were completely worth it, because that world that Derek had introduced me to was always perfect in its silence. Then again, everything about Derek was perfect to me. Even the shadowy part of himself that he kept hidden from everyone else but me.
Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t.
We were heading back out, climbing a last set of rope ladders, when my foot missed the rung. I’d already moved my hand in expectation of the next step, and so, instead of moving up, I found myself falling and panicking. Falling backwards, trying to stop myself, and failing. Hitting all sorts of body parts and my side with my single kidney against outcroppings of rock as I fell.
All I could think was, “Mama!” as I fell with terror welling up inside me with every rock and outcropping that I hit.
I fell a long ways. Not straight. I’d broken th
e direct route with my body against the natural edges. When I finally hit the ground, my body screamed at me. My insides screamed at me. My skin screamed at me. My lungs screamed for air as the breath was knocked out of them.
Then, I realized Derek was screaming too. “Mia!”
It took Owen hardly any time to reach me because he’d been the caboose again. Derek had to climb down from the ladder he’d just traversed.
“Mia?” Owen said as concern filtered across his face in the green light.
I tried to nod, tried desperately to get oxygen into my depleted lungs while everything hurt. Hurt so badly. But I couldn’t respond. He could see that my eyes were open, and that seemed to relieve him some. When the air finally rushed back into me, I gasped at the pain that came with it. Waves of nausea and guilt overwhelming me almost as much as the pain.
“Don’t move,” Owen said.
I wanted to cry because I’d screwed everything up. For Mama. For me. For the boy that was scampering down toward me.
Then Derek was there, taking Owen’s place and grabbing my hand in a way that made me wince, and him say, “Shit!”
He looked me over, trying to assess the damage. But my hands and face were all that was visible in our spelunking gear. And even that visible skin was scraped. I could feel my cheek swelling where I’d hit it on some outcrop.
“Little Bird,” he choked.
“I’m okay,” I croaked out as my lungs still tried to regain the air they had lost, and my remorse swarmed me again in waves so hard that I knew I would drown.
The guide from the caverns finally joined us, concern etched on his face as well. “Anything broken?”
“Can you try to move?” Derek asked gently.
I tried to nod, but it hurt more than a killing curse. I put my hand in Derek’s, and he eased me to a sitting position. Pain scrambled its way across my back and my innards. My side with my solo kidney was wailing, causing my panic to increase until it filled as much of me as the guilt did.
“Does your neck hurt at all?” the guide asked.
“No,” I whispered out, but I was holding it steady like I was the rest of my body. I was afraid to move even an inch more than I had to.