by LJ Evans
“I thought they were trying to get her through a couple more weeks!”
Mama chuckled quietly. “Well, you know our Cam. She does everything on her own timeline and even more so if you tell her she can’t.”
And wasn’t that the truth.
“Is she okay?”
Quiet.
“Mama?
“We think so. Blake says everything’s good. But we’re all leaving now to head up there.”
Suddenly, I not only needed to be home, I wanted to be home. I wanted to be home with my mama, and daddy, and the woman who was my sister like no other soul in the universe. I wanted to be there when she had the baby that should have been Jake’s but wasn’t. I wanted to be with the people who loved me first. Who still loved me even though my stupid kidney screwed up all of their lives.
“I’m coming home,” I told her. Derek’s head shifted suddenly in my direction, shaking in opposition.
“I don’t know what the flights are like. I’m going to drive up to Sacramento now. I’ll let you know as soon as I get something.”
“You don’t have to come home, Mia, it’s okay,” Mama said, but I could hear the undertone in her voice. She wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there. This was Cam. Jake’s Cam. It was like the baby belonged to all of us.
“I’m coming. Kiss Cam for me. Tell her I’ll be there soon, and keep me posted, okay?”
“Will do. And baby girl?”
“Yes?”
“Be safe.”
I choked back my default “always” because I hadn’t been safe, and soon she would see it. I’d have to tell her. And she’d be as mad as a chicken with a fox in the henhouse that I hadn’t told her. But I couldn’t feel guilty about that one thing. Because I hadn’t told her for a good reason. I’d done it so she wouldn’t make herself sick before we knew I’d be okay.
We hung up, and I pushed the nurse’s button as I tried to stand. Derek was all over me.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m going home. Cam’s having the baby.”
“You’re hurt. You’re supposed to stay another night. People have babies all the time,” he said, frowning as he tried to stop me from removing the IV.
I turned to meet his glare with one of my own. “You know this isn’t just anyone. This is Cam.”
We stared at each other, neither giving in, until the nurse came in.
“I’m going to have to check out,” I told her with a weak smile.
“Um. Did the doctor discharge you?”
“No, but she’s going to have to. I have to get to Tennessee.”
The nurse looked at me like I was crazy and went scrambling away to find the doctor.
Derek took my good hand as I tried to pull on the clean clothes he’d piled for me on the nearby table.
“Little Bird, the doctor wants you to stay.”
“She said I’m looking good. It’s just precautionary. And I’ll be at a hospital.”
“But you’re going to spend hours at an airport and in an airplane.” He was frustrated with me, maybe even angry.
“I know,” I said quietly.
“Then I’m coming with you.”
I didn’t have a chance to respond, because the nurse came in and started to disconnect me from the IVs and machines. It was good I couldn’t respond, because he wouldn’t be happy when I said he couldn’t come with me. He needed to finish his tour. I needed to go back to my reality, and he needed to go back to his.
The doctor showed up and gave me a whole spiel about the risks I was taking and handed me a bunch of waivers to sign.
Then, we headed out to the lobby. Derek’s fingers found mine as we waited for the guys to come back from getting lunch.
“I don’t want you to come,” I said, looking down at our fingers.
“What?”
“You have a show tomorrow.”
“So? I’ll cancel it. It was the last one on this tour anyhow.”
“That isn’t fair to you, or the guys, or your fans. You’re just building a fan base. If you cancel now, you’ll lose street cred.”
“What makes you think I give a rat’s ass about any of those people more than you?”
“I didn’t say you did. I just said it isn’t fair.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
That reminded me of what Seth Carmen used to tell Cam when they dated for that brief time back when Jake was being stupid. Words that were true. Life didn’t play fair. But sometimes, it also surprised you with the gifts it gave you. Like Derek.
“I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to come.”
“You don’t want me to come?” He was hurt. A million shades of hurt.
“I don’t mean it like that,” I said, trying to take the bite out of my words. “I just… We had to go back to our reality eventually, right?”
“What?”
He pulled me into his arms, and I let myself be pulled because it was easier to bury my head into his chest than to watch his face while I said all of this to him.
“What did you think would happen at the end of this three-week adventure?” my voice was muffled.
He squeezed tight and it hurt, but I let it because the physical hurt matched the one in my heart.
“I don’t know. We hadn’t gotten that far,” he said.
“Derek. I live in Tennessee and run a car dealership. You live in L.A. and travel the world with a band.”
“I know that.”
I risked looking up at him, and his gray eyes stormed at me. It broke my heart because I definitely didn’t want to walk away from this. From him. From the man that thought I was beautiful and anything but invisible.
“I’m just going back to reality,” I told him.
“I’m not willing to let reality end us,” he stormed.
I looked away again, adding those beautiful words to the collection of Derek’s lines in my head. When I didn’t respond, he pulled my chin up so that I was forced to see his eyes and the pain there.
“I love you,” he said.
I nodded.
“Don’t give up yet,” he said forcibly.
I didn’t have to answer, because the guys showed up, shocked to see us in the lobby, but I knew the conversation wasn’t done either. We quickly filled the guys in on what was going on and took off for Sacramento. I was on my phone, trying to find a flight back. Something that wouldn’t take me five layovers to get there.
“Buy two,” Derek said quietly as he saw me ready to check out on the airline’s website.
I shook my head in the negative.
“Little Bird,” he said with a plea that I ignored.
He wasn’t happy about it, but he also didn’t fight me. I didn’t know what to think of any of that, except that at the moment, I knew it was the right thing. He had to finish his tour. I had to go home.
Reality sucked. Life wasn’t fair. People died who should live. What else was there to say?
♫ ♫ ♫
The terrible California traffic delayed us, and we barely made it before my flight. I hoped security would be light or someone would be able to get me through with my bandaged body. I took my little bag without the books, less to carry when I could barely stand. Derek could send me the rest later.
He went with me to the ticket counter and up to the security line while the guys circled the airport in the rental.
“I don’t want you to go,” he said quietly.
“I know, moron, but it was gonna happen at some point,” I repeated my logic from before.
“I should be coming with you.” I could hear the doubt in his voice.
“Stop. I would just feel guilty that yet another person didn’t get to live out their dreams because of me.”
“What if you are my dream?”
God. What could you say to that? I started to move away, but he pulled me back, crushing me, sore arm and all.
“I’m not
letting you go for good,” he said, deep emotion running through his voice.
I still didn’t answer, because I couldn’t. I could hope that there was some version of reality where we would find each other again. But this wasn’t a Doctor Who rerun. We didn’t get a choice about the realities that were ours.
So instead, I took in the scent of him so that I could remember it when I replayed his words, and his looks, and his touch back in my head at night.
“Little Bird, I mean it. We’ll figure it out.”
“Okay.” My voice cracked because the truth was, I wanted to believe it.
“Text me when you board. Text me when you land. Call me when you find out about the baby,” he said, making plans for us even though we wouldn’t be together.
That got to me. That he so desperately wanted to continue this when we both knew that it was an impossible puzzle. One that couldn’t be put together any time soon.
“Okay,” I said again through tears that wouldn’t fall yet. Time for that later, when I was alone.
“Go, you’ll miss the flight,” he said. Then he kissed me like that first time. Slow, and reverent, and yet full of passion.
I tore myself away from him, limped my way through security, and found my way to my gate. Mama texted that they were at the hospital and that Cam and the baby were being stubborn, and that they may have to do a C-section.
I cursed myself again for not being there. For being on this joyride across the country with a sexy musician. For being away at all. But a piece of me, the piece I had thought I left in Derek’s back pocket, whispered that I was lying to myself. That I hadn’t been away at all, that I’d really been home.
As Ed played in my playlist, I let myself have a tiny bit of hope that he was right, and that after Derek’s and my horizons had met and our scars had bled into one another, that the stars would guide us to a place where we could be together once more.
♫ ♫ ♫
I texted Derek like I told him I would as I was ready to take off. I tried to sleep on the plane, but my elbow and insides were aching painfully. At first I didn’t want to take any pain meds that would make me groggy for when I arrived, but it was such a long flight that I was finally forced to take something or sit screaming in a cabin full of people.
When I arrived, the meds had made me as addlebrained as I’d known they would. It was really late. I texted Derek first and then Mama. I didn’t stop to think about that. That I’d put him first. Mama said Daddy was at the airport, waiting to pick me up, which I hadn’t expected.
I made my way out just as Daddy pulled up to the arrivals terminal. He jumped out of his truck when he saw me and was halfway to hugging me when he took in my splinted arm and the ugly bruise that had taken over my face. I had hardly glanced at myself in the mirror because it was scary even to me.
“What the fuck, baby girl?”
“I love you too, Daddy,” I said with a tired smile, and I hugged him with my good arm. “Come on, old man, I’ll tell you all about it on the way.”
And I did. Well, at least I told him a lot. I told him about caving and falling from the ladder, and how everything was okay with my kidney. I told him that I’d recheck everything while I was at the hospital with Cam.
He was serious-faced.
“Your mama’s never going to forgive me,” he said quietly.
“I’m the one that went.”
He nodded, and I could tell he was trying not to cry. I squeezed his arm reassuringly. “It’s gonna be okay, Daddy.” I slid easily back into my Good Girl Mia skin, making sure everyone else was going to be okay.
I wanted to cry because somewhere out there was a boy who wanted to make sure I was okay more than anyone else in the world, and we were no longer together.
It was almost as if none of the last few weeks had happened. If I didn’t have my splinted arm and bruises to remind me, I might have thought it had all been a dream. A really sexy dream in a romance novel. Except I couldn’t see the happily ever after for this one.
Faster than I had expected, the hospital lights greeted us. We texted Mama to ask where they were, and she said Cam had come out of surgery and that her and her new baby boy were just fine. They had taken them to a room in the maternity ward.
All I could think was that Cam had had a boy, and what that would have meant to Jake.
We made our way up to the maternity ward. Mama was waiting in the hall, and as soon as she saw me, she put a hand to her mouth in shock. She dropped everything and ran to me. “Mia?”
“I’m okay, Mama. I promise. Just a little scare.”
“Is… are…” She couldn’t ask, and I saw the fear flash in her eyes and felt the guilt overwhelm me again because I was causing her anxiety when she didn’t deserve it.
“Everything’s okay.”
She hugged me so tight that it hurt, but I didn’t make a peep because I was afraid I’d undo the relief I’d seen take over her face in that instant before her arms had surrounded me.
“You should have called me,” she told me fiercely into my hair.
“I’ve already told her that,” Daddy said. Which he had. He’d chewed me out about not letting them know. It didn’t change what had happened. And I knew I’d do it all the same even if I had to do it over again.
“You had enough to worry about,” I told her with a smile.
Mama looked me in the eyes. “Mia, don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Make light of it. I know I worry too much. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m working on it.” She smiled weakly and got all teary-eyed.
“Stop or Cam will never let you in to see the baby. You know she hates tears,” I chided her.
She smiled, a watery one, but still a smile. Daddy took her hand, and she held on to my good one, and we made it into the room.
Blake was there, smiling so big that I thought he’d lose his whole body inside it. And his parents were there, and his grandparents, and Cam’s parents. Wynn was in her nurse’s garb. The room was already crowded with people, but Cam lit up when she saw us.
“Better late than never, kiddo,” she quipped. Her smile was a tired smile, but a Cam smile. A smile that Jake had loved, and it twisted my heart because he should have been there. He should have been there to see the dark-haired bundle that she was holding up against her chest. The tiny, blue-blanketed body that should have been his.
I had to carefully hold back my own tears because Cam would kick me out as easily as she’d kick Mama out if she caught me crying. I eased my way over to her, and Blake’s face went from smile to shock as he took me in, bruises, splint, and all.
“I’m going to kill him,” he said, frowning.
“He already tried to commit hari-kari himself,” I said with a smile.
“How dare you walk in here and upstage my labor of love with all of that,” Cam said, laughing at me and my ugly, broken appearance.
“Someone’s gotta keep you in your place,” I said, and I hugged her and kissed the little bundle on its tiny, smooth cheek. Then I whispered to her, “You’ve got a baby.”
“I know. Shocker. It just hit me out of the blue. Had no idea it was coming.”
“Everything good?” I asked her.
“Everything’s perfect,” she said, and she squeezed my hand.
Everyone jostled to hold the baby, and I snuck out to the hall and out to the terrace where I called Derek like I said I would.
“Hey,” I said when he answered.
“Little Bird,” he said, and my heart jumped at his voice like I was sure it would always do. “How are you?”
I couldn’t help loving how he asked how I was first before he asked about Cam or anyone else. He asked about me. Because Derek put me first. It was hard to fathom anyone putting me first.
“I’m good. Tired, but good.”
“Have you had anyone check your urine values yet?”
�
�So sexy when you talk to me that way,” I teased.
“Mia!”
“I will. I just left Cam’s room.”
“How is she? The baby?”
“They’re both good. Beautiful. Strong. Happy.”
“The baby is happy?” he teased.
“Well, I’m sure it will be. Blake had a smile so big I thought he’d break the windows with it. What baby wouldn’t be happy to be a part of that?”
“Our baby,” he said back quickly.
I stopped my pace around the terrace. “Wh-what?”
“Our baby. Our baby will only be happy to be a part of us.”
Silence, because my brain wouldn’t function. How could it? I was a sucker for words. Words like that. But these words were double-edged because they were insanely sweet and yet also painful. Because they talked about a future, when we didn’t even know how we were going to get to tomorrow.
“I don’t know what to say to any of that.”
He chuckled on the other end. “Don’t say anything. Don’t ruin my image of you all sweaty, holding up a little bundle with my cleft chin.”
“Who says it’ll have a cleft?”
“Genetics.”
“Then screw that. No baby for you.”
“You love my cleft.”
I did. I loved the way it stretched when he smiled. I loved the way it felt when I touched it. I loved how it led to my finger being in his mouth when I allowed myself to touch it.
My heart flooded with hope at the same time that my brain reminded me that I would just have to squash it again later.
“I have to go,” he said, but he sounded like he regretted it.
“Okay. I’ll try to call tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
When I hung up, I missed him already. I missed his arm around me. I missed his smile. And I knew that, tonight, I’d miss his body tucked up against mine like we were the last two pieces in his eagle puzzle. Pieces that didn’t make sense and yet belonged.
When I went back, we all said goodnight and promised to see each other in the morning, and I got in the cab of the truck with Mama and Daddy and we drove to a hotel. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep, and woke up on Mama’s shoulder like I had fallen asleep a million times when I was a little kid.
She smiled at me. I squeezed her hand.