by Leah Fleming
Nothing had changed. After that first wondrous sighting of her old love coming off the ferry her heart could not lie. Alongside Ewan, Ken would never exist. He was a mere shadow of her first love but she had clutched at his shadow when the real substance had vanished. Then the full sun had returned and the shadow was all she was left with.
I need to clear my head and think again, she said to herself. I can’t let Ewan go away again. He’s my love and my life. We made a promise. There’s no turning back now. Ken has no hold on me… not after this, she was thinking. There was only one place to go for peace and cleansing if she was ever to love again.
She strode across the coastal path in the moonlight with her head into the wind, the early morning scents like an infusion of herbs; she crept past the silent thatched cottages and crofts, waking sleeping dogs, past the boats moored on beaches and the Martello watch tower towards the creaking iron gate leading to the velvet grassy slopes of the secret gully of streams: a valley opening out into the secret cove of the Beach of the singing winds.
The sun was rising on the horizon over the rolling waves as she raced into the white sands to bathe her broken spirits, shedding her clothing. She lay in the tidal path letting the cold chill of the water roll over her bruised body, numbing the pain, the salt soothing the soreness in her thighs, washing away the shame, sifting the grains of sand through her fingers for solace.
Then she remembered the old Colonel, her friendly seal, who used to come when she sang to him round the bay and bob in the waves, curious and kindly. Was he still alive?
If only she was a child again not a confused frightened woman at the mercy of so many conflicting emotions. For so long her voice had been silent, her throat parched and strained. There had been no songs in her heart for years, but now the chords loosened and she began to sing an old lullaby, more to rock herself to sleep than attract an audience, hugging herself for comfort, sounds halting at first and then soothing in their sadness.
Here there was only sea and sand and sky and the pain gritting her mind. She lay amongst them like some fragile plant soaking up the morning light, watching the sea birds dancing, wishing she were dead.
The music of the waves washed over her painful memories and calmed her fear. Who would understand what it was like to be at the mercy of a violent man? What was worse was that Ken was made violent by her own frailty; but to be forced into submission against her will? How could she ever forgive an act of such unspeakable humiliation? Oceans of time would never wash that first filthy act from her soul.
*
‘You’re no going out in this weather, Ewan!’ Susan Mackinnon was clinging to her son as he waved from the doorway.
‘Just a stretch at the oars on the lake to blow the cobwebs away. I’m not used to a soft bed,’ he replied.
The atmosphere in the manse was cloying in its intensity. His unexpected presence on the doorstep had brought floods of tears and recriminations. ‘My son is restored to me! Praise the Lord!’ his mother kept touching his arm, afraid he might disappear.
‘We put your obituary in the Oban Times and your name is carved on Agnes’s headstone. Oh, son, why did you not send us a telegram or give us warning to make our preparations, and me with not a crumb in the house to give you? All the joy of preparing a welcome is taken from me,’ his mother’s voice kept whining accusingly.
There was no way of explaining away this gross error of judgement. His father’s silence was worse, for he sensed some deep crisis of faith in this turn of fortune.
‘The Macfee girl showed more faith in you being alive than I did. She clung to her resolve until I told her it was unhealthy and suggested she looked elsewhere. I’m sorry but perhaps it is for the best.’ This was the only comfort John Mackinnon could offer. Ewan was in no mood for all this, but his mother shoved a letter in front of his face.
‘It’s from Johanna Macallum and she’s still teaching in Glasgow. She’ll be thrilled to know our good news. You must write to her for she’s been a faithful friend to us over the years.’
Not home five minutes and his mother was matchmaking, thinking he could throw off his desire for Minn as easily as they had believed him dead.
He spent that first restless night back on Phetray out of doors, camping on the tip of Skerrin in his old haunt. It was better to be alone with his torment under the stars. What a fool he’d been to make the assumption that his own rescue was worth risking radio detection. He was not important enough for a special mention on the underground wireless network.
He tried to explain to them why he had delayed his rescue and stayed undercover with the Resistance for so long. Once the Brittany route was closed he had simply melted back into the high ground with the rest of the group and fought on. That was what he had been trained for after all.
Nothing was turning out as he had expected. The welcome at the manse, Minn’s anguish at his return; all those dreams of home conjured up in hours of boredom hiding in the woods faded into this grey dismal reunion and the shock of Minn’s marriage.
How many times had he sketched her face in chalks on plaster walls? Yet he was stunned once more by the beauty of those piercing sea-blue eyes, the gentle wave of her fair hair coiled discreetly in a victory roll. His fingers ached to unpin the tresses and let them splay out over her bare shoulders. She was his silver mermaid.
Now another man had the honour and the right to make love to her. He wondered how she could give herself to that puny sergeant.
‘Why didn’t you wait for me? What have we done to each other?’ he yelled into the crashing waves, but his words were blown back into his face.
At dawn, his eyes heavy with soul searching, he decided to stride out over the marshy machair to the only place where he could feel her presence. He needed to be near her in spirit before he left Phetray never to return. His eyes scanned across empty beach and then he spied a speck by the shore, the outline of a shape, and raced in fear thinking it was a body thrown from the sea, his heart pounding with relief, his prayers answered when the body stirred and rose slowly.
You’ve come to me! You knew where you’d be finding me if you needed me, sang his thudding heart.
Minn was singing, unaware of his presence. He listened and spoke softly so as not to startle her. ‘Such a sad song you are singing to the winds? I was so hoping that you’d come. No one can chaperone us here with an egg timer. This is our place.’
She looked up startled and he saw the tears and red eyes. ‘What am I going to do?’ she cried.
He sat down beside her. ‘I don’t know but just hold me…’ He ached to gather her up close to feel the warmth of her to himself, but she hung back.
‘I can’t…There’s something I have to tell you.’ Minn’s voice broke into sobs as she spilled out gulps of her unhappiness. ‘And I can’t bear him near me. I can’t be physical with him…but tonight he forced me to…What’s the matter with me? I’m not normal…’
He sat in silence, shocked by her words, putting his arms round her shoulders gently. ‘I’m no doctor but I’m sure it takes time and the right feelings. It’s not your fault… How could he force you? I’ll kill him for that! So you’ve never actually…’
It was hard to speak the words in his shyness. She was shaking her head.
‘Not once properly until…’
He felt his heart leap for joy. ‘So you’re still a virgin? There is no marriage if there’s been no lovemaking.’ She had never made love to the sergeant in all this time. It was wonderful news quickly crushed by her reply.
‘Not any more. It’s not that simple.’ She was sobbing but he had to know the truth. There were some advantages to being a minister’s son when it came to marriage law.
‘In the eyes of the church and the law, if there’s no consummation there’s no marriage. You are safe from him. The marriage is null and void. You are free!’ he replied, not grasping her full meaning in his anxiety.
Minn looked up puzzled. ‘Even if other things happen but n
ot that? We are not married until we sleep together?’ Ewan nodded. Then she burst into sobs.
‘But tonight he forced me… That’s what happened. He was angry because I do not love him and he lost patience. Tonight he broke down my defences. I’m not a virgin anymore so I must be his legal wife.’ Minn was flushing with embarrassment. ‘I shouldn’t be talking like this. I’ll not be staying with him now… not after this. Oh Ewan! What a mess I’ve made!’
‘You must tell the lawyer, the minister, the doctor. If there was no marriage and he forced you, you should be free to walk away from him,’ he argued, hoping that there might still be a way out of this terrible dilemma.
‘How can it be that simple when we’ve lived as man and wife and made our vows? Who would believe me? It’s all changed now.’
‘Doctor Murray can examine you,’ he pleaded. ‘He could give evidence for you!’
‘And have my shame over all the Oban Times for all the old bodachs to read? No, Ewan, it would shame us all. This is my fault. I’m not normal. I should never have been married. I drove him to this by my refusals.’ Minn was staring across the water lost in her own thoughts.
‘Nonsense, Minn! Of course you’re normal, the most normal person I know. When we kissed and hugged we both had to hold back our feelings. There’s nothing wrong with you that the right man and a tender moment couldn’t sort out. That man is the monster and he should be punished. I shall deal with him.’
‘No, don’t make matters worse, I beg you! Deal with me, Ewan, prove to me that I’m normal: that my instincts are natural. There’s no one else I can trust to prove such a thing.’
He could see she was in earnest as she reached out to hold him. This time it must be right.
‘But if we do make love together we undo the proof of Ken’s attack. This is getting more and more complicated. It’s as if we’re in some crazy dream.’
He was hesitating, knowing that, technically, if there was any adultery her case was lost. But how could he refuse her?
Minn was grabbing hold of him desperately. ‘Love me, Ewan, show me I’m not some freak. I have to know. I have to wipe his dirt from me. Please help me. It’s you that I want. I saw your face in my darkness. It has been my only comfort.’
‘I’ll not be doing it to order. This is a shock to me too. It’s all too soon for you. I cannot fail you in this. The time has to be right, special, relaxed. We need time to find each other again. I’ll no be rushed like some bullock on heat,’ he said, shaking her off gently, smiling, though, at her eagerness. ‘If I’m going to be taking this road then let’s choose the time carefully. There must be nothing to spoil our concentration. Do you know what you’re asking of me and yourself? What if it fails and I hurt you even more?’
‘How can you fail me? I’ve loved only you and we should have come together long ago. See, the sand is warming with the sun, lie with me now and let us seal the bargain.’ Minn was lying on the sand with her arms open, her hair down her back like a mermaid sunning herself on the rocks, and he was afraid.
He stood up. ‘NO! I’m not a stud horse. Wait until tonight. We’ll meet by the creaking gate at dusk. Then I promise you I’ll no be so quick to refuse. All day I want you to think about the pleasure it will be for us. You and I joined together, one flesh. Think of our skins touching and let your mouth water at the thought. Can you think of my touch without wincing?’
‘I’ll try.’ Minn smiled shyly.
*
Minn walked home slowly knowing she must face her husband again. Her mother did not look her in the face when she arrived back covered in sand and dishevelled. Mother must have heard all that had gone on last night but would say nothing.
‘I’ve been chasing the cows off the vegetables again.’ She was lying but she didn’t care. ‘It’s such a lovely morning.’
‘You’re in a good mood all of a sudden,’ said Mother, eyeing her as she peeled the potatoes. Ken had done the morning chores and Minn could see he was trying to make up for last night.
‘A man can only take so much, love,’ he whispered. ‘We all have our breaking point. No hard feelings?’ She stared at him but said nothing. ‘I told you it would be all right in the end.’
It was easy to ignore him. Nothing was going to spoil her daydreams today. Tonight she would be a real woman at long last, loving the only man she had ever desired; she would lie in Ewan’s arms and feel his strength around her. But first she must find a cover story. She would lull Ken along with her supposed change of heart and find a way to escape from his clutches. It was not going to be easy.
‘We can go to the Naafi to see the latest Ronald Colman film, if you like,’ she suggested. ‘You can go and have a pint with your old mates and I’ll join you later,’ she lied. ‘I have to sort my stock out and do the books for the canteen. Have a few jars and a chinwag. I won’t be long,’ she offered, taking him off guard with her friendliness. She was shocked how easy it was to lie with a straight face.
Since last night her world had shifted on its axis. Now it was as if Ken was just a stranger to her. The terrible knowledge that they had not even been married in law was too awful to contemplate. In bringing him back to Phetray she had only made her situation much worse. Yet strangely she felt calm and cold, as if the slate was wiped clean. If there was no marriage then there could be no adultery. She had taken no part in his rape of her body. In her mind there was still no marriage.
Yet she could feel the jitters in her stomach. No one suspected that she was taking the canteen van out to the valley under cover of darkness, using precious petrol. Having transport would quicken the journey there and back to give them more time together. She would wear her overalls and her work clothes over her jumper and tweed skirt in case she was spotted en route.
How the hours ticked by so slowly and it still wasn’t dark. She prepared Mother and Ken their favourite meal of mince and tatties cooked with carrots from the vegetable patch, but she was too nervous to eat a spoonful. She pushed them both out of the door early with a smile. Mother was off to her Guild meeting at the kirk, to another of their ‘make do and mend’ sessions. Tonight would come sooner if she kept busy sorting the eggs into trays.
*
Ewan was waiting by the wrought iron gate that led to the hidden valley of Traigh gaodh nan seinn, and they strolled slowly by torchlight, hand in hand, watching the last of the crimson clouds fade into purple and the moon rising in the east.
She told him about the day’s deceptions. ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this… I hope one of us knows what’s going to happen. What if it doesn’t work?’
‘Who needs lessons, my silver mermaid. This is not some biology experiment,’ he laughed, feeling nervous, and quickened their pace. He tried not to think about Ken Broddick waiting for his wife in the canteen. That man had forfeited all his rights when he raped his wife. She belonged only to him, sealed by Agnes’s death, both bound together in her loving memory.
‘It’s hardly the weather for rolling in the sand, is it?’ said Minn, her hands cold in his grasp. He could feel the wind flapping through his trousers.
‘Have patience, all is prepared. Have faith, young lady! Anyone would think you were impatient to get going.’ He hugged her tightly. ‘I want it to be right for us, this first time.’ He led her towards the side of the Traigh gaodh nan seinn, where during the afternoon he had constructed a little bothy of greenery over two large boulders: a hidden cave lined with a ground sheet and a tartan rug with even a pillow. There was a flask and glasses and a small lantern waiting.
‘Your bower awaits, my lady. It’s not exactly the Crannog…’ he paused hoping she would see the funny little snug and relax.
‘It’s lovely… All my world’s in this beach. It’s better than any four poster bed in Oban. The laird himself couldn’t find a better trysting place, so sheltered with a lovely view and a friend who’s the best company in the world to me. It’s lovely! Where shall I sit?’ she said, plonking herself down eagerly.
‘That’ll do me fine,’ she replied, lying back on her elbow.
He could see Minn was shivering as she sat down, her courage beginning to fail her. As if reading her thoughts he sat down, wrapping them both together in an old blanket. He held her close.
‘When I was holed up in the forests, I used to dream of this place… of this moment. The wind would be singing and the waves lapping… Next I’m after telling how I’ve always loved you from that first day when I was teaching you to swim. The walls of all my hiding places in France were covered with sketches of your face. You were my inspiration.’
He told her how in hiding he had rediscovered his love of drawing. ‘You’re the only woman I shall ever want, and just how much I love you I’ll be showing you. Don’t cry… Enjoy this time, the first of many, I hope. Have another sip of brandy, it’ll calm your fears. We shall learn together what our loving is all about. I’m going to lie down with you and let my hands run over you gently. If you’re afraid tell me and I’ll stop. And you can touch me slowly, slowly… Gently Bentley.’ Let’s see how far we can travel. Let me take away the pain and the bad memory of last night. Let’s heal the wounds together.’
He kissed her softly and whispered in her ear, making her smile and relax, feeling himself roused by the trust in her eyes as they flickered in the lantern light. ‘Let’s take the first steps on our path… taking our time. There’s no rushing our journey…’
*
For Minn it was like a gentle ache in her loins as she pulled Ewan closer into her. A gush of warm feelings flooded over her as if she was a child dancing on the beach, dipping in and out of the warm sea. For a second she felt that old familiar tensing of muscles, but by looking deep into Ewan’s eyes, seeing the trust and gentleness of his concern, she found the courage to let go of the fear, move to the rhythm of his lovemaking until she was rolling down, down, letting the waters flood over her, soaking her. There was no fear. ‘My love!’ she cried, the tears pouring. It was so simple, so effortless, so wonderful, and he was inside her. There was no pain and no resistance from her body.