by Ashey, Katie
“Maybe if I’m slightly suspicious it’s because you burned my trust so badly last weekend,” I snapped.
He grunted. “I guess that’s fair.”
“I would say so.”
“Fine. Here’s how it went down. I told Noah I should go in and apologize to you, but he told me I needed to let things cool down.” His lips quirked up in a half smile. “And when he said let things cool down, he meant it for you as well.”
“Me? I had every right to be angry.”
Jonathan held up his hands. “You’re absolutely right. And you were totally justified in going off on me physically.”
At the memory of me slapping and clawing at his face, I ducked my head in embarrassment. I’d sworn I was going to change from the old Presley, yet there I was handling things on impulse with my fists instead of my head. Peering up at Jonathan, I said, “While that might be true, I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sad to see some of my handiwork is still there.”
“It’s all good. Whenever someone asked, I told them I’d gotten them from a wild chick during a sexcapade.”
With a roll of my eyes, I laughed in spite of myself, “Jesus, that’s sounds like something Jake would say.”
Jonathan chuckled. “I know, right?”
“I guess he learned from the best.”
“Actually, Jake was always his own person. He had more swagger than Jason and I combined. I swear, he came out of the womb a charmer.”
“Trust me, I can certainly attest to his level of charm.”
His gaze dropped to my belly. “I would imagine so.”
With his attention on the baby, it brought my attention back to the cause of the blowup. “Does that mean you believe me that Jake is the father?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I do.”
My mouth dropped open in surprise. “What changed your mind?”
“Noah told me about the letter Jake wrote to Maddie.”
The reprieve in my anger towards him was short lived. “Wait my word wasn’t enough?”
“I’m sorry, Presley. I know it should’ve been.”
Shaking my head, I replied, “What if there hadn’t been a note from Jake? Would you have continued to believe I was lying?”
He exhaled a ragged breath. “I’d like to say I wouldn’t have, but if we’re being honest, I probably would have.”
“Unbelievable.”
“I’m sorry. Even though it was horrible of me to doubt you, can you at least see where I was coming from?”
In a way, I could. At least the fractured part of my self-esteem could. For the other part of me, white hot anger rushed over me at his words. Narrowing my eyes at him, I demanded, “Are you seriously standing there trying to justify your actions because of my past?”
“No, I mean, I just wondered if you could at least see why I might’ve originally doubted you.”
“Yes, Jonathan, I’m aware I’m seen as a slut. I’m sure my sexual number would rival some of the guys I graduated with. While those same guys got pats on the back and cheers for their conquests, I got labeled a whore.”
Wincing, Jonathan shuttered his eyes. “Christ, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant when I brought it up.”
“What else could you have possibly meant? It’s very evident then as it is now that you thought there was no way in hell it could be Jake’s baby because of what a slut I am, right?”
He jerked a hand through his hair. “Okay, fine. I did doubt it was Jake’s because of your reputation.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I really fucking am.” He stuffed his hands into his short pockets. “Look, you don’t have to forgive me. After the way I keep fucking up, I wouldn’t if I were in your shoes.”
As much as I hated to admit it, I was torn about what to say. Part of me wanted to tell him to go fuck himself for bringing up my reputation. But I had to be honest with myself that I couldn’t deny my past. Jonathan hadn’t been a part of my life for the last part of my senior year—the part where I was trying to get my act together. That meant less party and barely any sex.
Although I’d wanted to change, I also didn’t regret my actions. Okay, so there were a few actions/guys I regretted. It was true what I’d said to Jonathan that if I’d been a guy, no one would’ve said a damn thing about my sex life. The fact I had a vagina meant I was supposed to be pure and chaste and not enjoy sex. In his eyes, because I “spread my legs” apparently meant I was somehow less worthy of respect than the guy who points his penis at any available vagina.
At my continued hesitation, Jonathan sighed. “Anyway, I’ve said my peace, and I’ll leave you alone. Before I go, there is just one more thing.”
Cocking my head at him, I replied, “I’m afraid to ask.”
“It’s a gift.”
“You brought me a gift?”
“Before you think I’m trying to buy your forgiveness, it’s nothing of real value. Oh, and it’s not for you.”
“Um, okay.”
“It’s for the baby.”
Oh. My. God. Jonathan had brought me a baby gift. After everything he had said and done, he’d taken the time to get something for the baby. I stared in shock as he ducked back into the hall. I remained frozen until he reappeared with a small pink gift bag in his hands. He thrust it at me. “I thought she should have something that would’ve made her dad smile.”
The mention of Jake caused me to struggle for breath. With shaky hands, I took the gift bag from him. Digging through the tissue paper, I unearthed a small piece of navy clothing. After unraveling it, I saw it was a onesie. On the front, there were three pictures of a baby bottle, a baby sleeping, and a yellow jacket. “Eat, Sleep, Yellow Jacket,” I read aloud.
When I glanced from the onesie to Jonathan, my heart skipped a beat both from the gesture and from the red flush tinging his cheeks. “This is….” I swallowed the rising tears.
“Stupid,” Jonathan muttered.
When he reached to take the onesie back, I jerked away from him. “No!”
He blinked at me in surprise. “You want it?
“It’s seriously adorable. I love it.”
His face lit up. “You do?”
I nodded emphatically. “Yeah, I do.”
With a sheepish grin, he said, “I know Mom’s going to get her all the frilly, girly shit from Georgia Tech, which Jake would’ve hated.”
Laughing, I replied, “You’re right. I’m sure he would.”
“So, I wanted to find something he would’ve liked.”
“You did a great job, and I’m not just saying that.”
Jonathan stuffed his hands into his short pockets. “Thanks, Presley. That means a lot.”
“The gift means a lot. As well as your apology.”
“Ziegler would be so fucking proud right now,” Jonathan murmured with a somewhat goofy grin.
“Who?”
His eyes momentarily bulged before he shook his head. “Nothing.”
At the sound of footsteps in the hallway, Jonathan and I both whirled around to stare at the doorway. Both Evelyn and Martin stood there. “Dad, what are you doing home?”
“I left work early to lend some moral support.”
Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
Martin held up his hand. “I’m here for you too, son.”
I had to duck my head to not laugh at the dumbstruck look on Jonathan’s face. To change the subject, I held out the onesie. “Jonathan brought Evie a present.”
“Evie?” Jonathan questioned.
I turned my attention from Evelyn over to him. “Yeah, I’ve decided to name her after your mom and call her Evie.”
Evelyn waved a hand in front of her eyes, which were shining with tears. “I’m still so touched it makes me cry every time.”
Like I’d told her before, I knew how close Jake was to her. He would’ve wanted to honor her by naming the baby for her. Considering how wonderful she’d been to me, I
couldn’t imagine a greater gift I could give to my daughter than naming her after her grandmother.
Jonathan nodded. “I love it.”
“Thanks,” I replied.
After she swiped her fingers under her eyes, Evelyn asked, “Is everything okay now?”
Yeah,” Jonathan and I murmured in unison. It was both the truth and a lie. Regardless of how hard we tried, nothing would ever be okay again because Jake was dead. But for the moment, things were on their way to being as good as they could be.
And I had to admit, it had taken guts for Jonathan to come talk to me. And even though it would be so hard to forget his words—as they did mirror my own thoughts at times of what people would think—I found some respect deep within me for him. He had lost his brother. He was grieving. And yet, he’d sought reconciliation.
It was a start.
Chapter Eight: Presley
Three months later
After moving in with the Nelsons, I began adjusting to the new rhythm of my life. To be honest, it took some getting used to. As well-meaning as she was, there were times when I felt smothered by Evelyn’s maternal nature. She checked in on me every morning and before I went to bed. She made sure I’d taken my prenatal vitamins and ate a healthy diet full of fruit and vegetables. I knew she meant well, but I wasn’t used to having an overly involved and interested in mother. I wasn’t the world’s greatest communicator, so I wasn’t really sure how to say something . . . or rather, what to say. And by contrast, I’d heard from my mom about four or five times, and only once had she asked about the baby. She still appeared in denial about being a grandmother.
Then there was the fact I now lived with a man. While I’d had two stepfathers in my life, it had been years since I’d shared space with a male. Basically, it boiled down to the fact I didn’t walk around in my T-shirt and underwear anymore even if it was during the day when Martin was at work.
When it came to the other Nelson men, I didn’t see much of them. With Jason at Duke, he only managed to come home once a month. While he wasn’t initially thrilled about the idea of me moving in, he had managed to be pretty friendly on the weekends he was home. In some ways, it felt like I had gained a big brother. He’d always looked after Jake and me in that way, but now it was just me, he still continued the tradition. He always asked me to watch a movie with him in the theater room in the basement while making sure to have a tub of hot, buttery popcorn, which I really appreciated.
As for Jonathan, things continued to be better between us. Since he was in the thick of his football season, he was rarely home on the weekends. Whenever he had a home game, Martin and Evelyn encouraged me to join them, but I kept putting them off. I didn’t even want to watch the televised games. It wasn’t about not wanting to see Jonathan play. It was more the fact that for me, football was a trigger. Throughout high school, I’d sat in the stands and watched Jake play. Some of the best times we’d had seemed to happen after football games.
With the season nearing an end, I could no longer let them down by saying no. At the same time, I wanted to go for Jonathan’s sake as well. Of course, I had no idea what all attending a home game entailed. Two and a half hours before the game started, I stood wedged between Martin and Evelyn along with other families and fans to see the team walk into the stadium. In an oversized, navy Georgia Tech sweatshirt and gold maternity leggings, I waved a gold spray painted cowbell.
When Jonathan caught sight of us, he grinned and waved. After he was inside the stadium, Martin and Evelyn got busy unpacking a huge spread of food for the traditional experience of tail gaiting. They introduced me to all their friends as “their late son’s girlfriend”. It was a nice but undeserved gesture. I certainly didn’t correct them.
After I inhaled two plates full of BBQ and sides, I was ready to crawl into the back of the Nelson’s SUV and sleep. But then it was time to head into the game. With the roar of the crowd and the sound of the brass band playing, I didn’t remain drowsy long.
I settled into a spot with Evelyn and Martin. Leading the team onto the field was the Ramblin’ Wreck—the restored 1930’s Model A Ford. At the sight of the players, the stadium erupted into cheers. As each player trotted by, I searched for Jonathan. At the sight of him outfitted in his gear, I couldn’t hide my “Look, there he is!” I pointed. Even though he couldn’t see me, I waved, which caused Martin and Evelyn to chuckle.
After the coin toss that went to UGA, the teams took the field while Jonathan remained on the side lines. Bristling, Martin said, “He must be really screwing around at practice for them not to start him.” He turned to me and shook his head. “Pretty embarrassing to be a junior and not be part of the starting defense the entire season.”
While I bit my tongue to keep the peace, Evelyn stiffened beside me. “I’m sure he’ll do his part,” she countered.
With a contemptuous snort, Martin turned back to the game. Thankfully for Jonathan, he entered the game during the second quarter. Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shouted, “Go Jonathan!”
The play was called and the ball started down the field. Jonathan blocked his offensive player and then went after the running back who had been handed off the ball. Before Jonathan could get a grip on him, the player lurched to the side and slipped away. When Jonathan whirled around to try and catch him, another red jersey bulldozed into Jonathan. “Oh!” I shrieked as he was knocked down. He shot back to his feet, but it was too late. The player had already advanced the ball twenty more yards down the field.
The air was tense on our row after Jonathan’s error. It grew even thicker when Jonathan didn’t retake the field with the defense. Even the baby seemed to sense it because she started twisting inside me.
At half-time, Tech trailed UGA by six points. After making an overdue trip to the bathrooms, I rejoined the family. Before I could sit down, Evelyn’s dad, Vern, tapped my arm. “Presley, do you know the good word?”
As I furrowed my brows at him, Evelyn said, “Seriously, Daddy, this is her first time at a game. She hardly knows the traditions.”
“There’s a tradition with the ‘good word’?” I asked.
Vern nodded. “If someone asks you what’s the good word, you should reply, “To hell with Georgia!”
I grinned. “Ah, because of the intense rivalry between UGA and Tech?”
He winked. “Exactly.”
“This is all really new to me because we never had any hard-core team affiliations in my family.”
“Then there’s no argument that from this point on, you’ll bleed blue and gold, and your baby will be a future Yellow Jacket.”
“I would like for her to follow in her dad’s footsteps,” I admitted.
Martin grunted. “She could always go to Duke like her grandfather and uncle.”
Evelyn smacked him playfully. “She isn’t even here yet, and you’re already planning her future.”
“You can never start too early,” he protested.
“The most important thing is she’s happy and healthy,” Evelyn noted.
Smiling, I rubbed my belly. In that moment in the stands at Bobby Dodd stadium, I’d never felt so grateful my daughter was being born into a family so full of love and support. Even though she wasn’t going to have a father, her grandparents and extended family were going to help fill the void.
During the third quarter, Tech made a turn around and tied things up. I was so grateful to see Jonathan take the field again. Then in the last few seconds of the quarter, a fumble turned into a turnover that Jonathan happened to intercept, and Tech took the lead. I yelled until my throat was raw. In the end, the Yellow Jackets were victorious over the Bulldogs.
As we gathered our things to head down to the field, Vern winked at me. “You must be a good luck charm, Presley. The last time we were here they lost.”
I laughed. “I’m not so sure about that.” Although when he winked at me and smiled, I actually stopped to think about it for a moment. I’d never been called anyone’s good luck
charm. Besides Jake, I’d never really belonged to anyone, and even with him, it was flawed and somewhat toxic. But as I let the words sink in, I realized that I wish they were true.
After we got down to the field, Martin flashed some sort of pass at the security guard. After that, we were allowed through along with some other families. Since the team had post-game press to deal with along with getting changed, it felt like forever before Jonathan emerged.
Although it should’ve been the farthest thing from my mind, I couldn’t help noticing how good he looked in his cobalt button-down shirt. It brought out his eyes that were such a deep color of blue.
The Nelsons went over to talk to some of their friends, leaving Jonathan and me alone. “Great job out there.”
Jonathan’s brows shot up at my compliment. “Thanks.”
“You did great on that turnover.”
Tilting his head curiously at me, he asked, “You know football?”
I laughed at his skepticism. “Yeah, I do.”
“My bad. I didn’t peg you as a sports chick.”
With a smirk, I replied, “Really? I would’ve thought you might’ve had a comeback like, ‘Well as many football players as you might’ve screwed, it’s no surprise you know the game’.”
A horrified breath wheezed out of Jonathan. “Fucking hell Presley.” He shook his head. “Do you really think I would say something like that.”
I shrugged. “It’s not like you haven’t in the past.”
Evelyn interrupted us. “Hungry?” she asked Jonathan.
“Famished.”
She smiled. “I imagined as much. We made reservations at your favorite—The Buttermilk Kitchen.”
Jonathan grinned. “Thanks, Mom. I can already taste the dumplings.”
As we walked to the car, Jonathan fell back with Martin while I walked/waddled along with Evelyn. We hadn’t gotten far when Martin started ragging Jonathan about his performance. Although it had nothing to do with me, warmth rushed to my cheeks. I could remember waiting around for Jake while Martin went off on him. Even if he’d had a great game, he always found something to nit-pick. Many nights Jake was so shattered by the conversations, it took both alcohol and some sexual healing to bring him around.