Part V - 1940
Julia sent her cable to Hugh and asked the Communications Officer if she could be notified when they received the reply. His light blue eyes, underneath black hair cut short like the military, seemed sympathetic and kind underneath his black officer’s cap. He told Julia that they would check the recipient’s name against the passenger list and deliver the cable reply to her room, sliding it under the door if no one answers.
If she wished, he told her, they would call the stateroom first, but usually it was hard to find people there, so they almost always just call and deliver at the same time. Every crossing there’s always a pest that sticks around the communications office, but he was sorry, he didn’t mean to imply that she was one of those, just that they were hardly out of New York harbor when she came up to the window.
His face showed concern when he realized what he had just said, and his voice became softer and more considerate. He noted that her stateroom was not far, and he was sure she would want to see the cable right away, so he would make sure it was brought to her the moment it arrived. Also, she could be paged, but there were a lot of decks and lounges and that could take time. But if she desired it, the ship would be happy to do that.
She thanked him, telling him she would be willing to let them deliver it to the room. She left the window believing that this man held the possibility of her happiness in his hands for the next six days until they reached the other side of the Atlantic. No, not six days. Hugh would be home in an hour, the telegram would arrive in the afternoon, and he could reply right away. She would receive his reply this very day. She had the six days across the Atlantic, and then she would have six more days on the return voyage. People said the ocean was lonely, but no one knew how lonely it would be for her. But then she would be reunited with her beloved Lizzie. Maybe Hugh would arrange for a flight back and she could see them in just two or three days instead of almost two weeks.
The sea air whipped past her face as she walked along the Sun Deck, even if there was no sun, just unrelenting wind and white-topped choppy seas. She held her coat tight around her with one arm and let her other arm hold on to the railing. The ship was going the wrong way, and all that empty gray water lay between her and her reunion.
She passed a window to a lounge with several people sitting around the table drinking wine. Two women, two men. None of them were laughing, but an elderly gentleman with a white mustache and a pipe billowing smoke above him looked at her and smiled. Feeling invited by both his smile and his age, she went inside and over to the table. There was an empty chair, so she stood beside it and asked them if she could join in. Anything to keep her from thinking about what she had lost while she waited for time to pass until she could go back to her cabin and check for the telegram from Hugh. She imagined reading it with the last line sending love from Lizzie.
“Certainly,” said the gentleman with a deep, sympathetic voice in a French accent. “I’m sure a waiter will come by and get you something to drink.”
Julia looked around the large room dominated by a mural of Christopher Columbus standing at the front of one of his ships. Other tables were also filled with groups of people who seemed to know each other. Julia wondered if she was the only one alone. She certainly was the only one visible at her age.
As they introduced themselves, Julia came to realize that all the others had French accents. And when she spoke, they all stopped drinking, or smoking or looking around, and paid close attention to her.
A woman, the only one close to Julia’s age, but maybe ten years older at 30 or so, sitting on Julia’s right, took her round glasses off and asked Julia why she was going to Europe.
Julia was surprised by the question. Of course, it was an obvious question for a ship crossing the ocean, but it seemed so direct, and the woman’s voice had a low pitch to it, too, and that unnerved her. “Why I’m going? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. Could I ask you the same question? You all seem to know each other.”
The elderly gentleman took his pipe out of his mouth and looked around the little group before he spoke. “Well, then, perhaps when you have heard our stories, young lady, you will know what your story is. We’re always nervous about someone who has a secret to hide. My name, by the way is Roger.”
They all looked at each other and to Julia it seemed odd that they seemed reticent to answer her question. A man, sitting on her left side, dressed in a grey suit with a black tie, with a large head and strong features, black hair greased back, flicked ashes from his cigarette off his trousers, then spoke.
“I am André.” He reached over to shake her hand.
Julia was momentarily unsure what to do, but then realized she looked foolish to the others so she took the man’s hand and responded with a feeble handshake.
“We don’t know each other at all. Except that we are all going the wrong way.” He looked around at the group to see if anyone was going to contradict him. ” There are four of us you see here, excluding yourself, and two are Swiss and two are French. We have just begun to ask that very question among ourselves and now I think we don’t know what we are going back to. This isn’t a vacation for us. I will speak for myself, and the others can talk if they wish. I am going back to France to join the French army to keep Hitler out of our country. He will not get past the Maginot Line, but last time he went through Belgium, and we have to be there to stop him. I am an artillery officer, which is just what is needed.”
The elderly man raised his eyebrows. “You are an officer? And you are not in the army now?” He leaned forward and made his question serious with his voice. “Are you a deserter?”
André laughed and shook his head. “No, I am not a deserter, Monsieur. I don’t believe I would have gotten on this ship if that were the case.”
The elderly man leaned forward to make his point. “You can get off the ship before we get to France. In Ireland or England.” He leaned back again, satisfied that all the others would know that the artillery officer was not to be trusted.
André ignored him. “I meant that as my previous rank. I am sure I will have no trouble joining the fight once I announce my presence to the military authorities.” He looked at the elderly gentleman with an air of defiance, adjusting his jacket to announce he had finished.
The elderly man did not give up. “Why aren’t you in uniform then?” He glared at André.
André sighed, weary of the argument. “Surely you aren’t that ignorant. I must first reach Paris and then make contact with my old regiment, and from there I will make my way to the front, once they have reinstated me with my old rank. Captain, if you must know.”
The elderly man snapped back. “Don’t call me ignorant. I am Swiss and we stay out of wars.”
Julia nodded and looked at the others as they all remained silent. To join the army. That put this voyage in an entirely different light. Putting your life on the line.
The woman on her right, with blond hair bangs rolled back over the head, and big soft curls down to the neck, wore bright red lipstick. Her black long-sleeve blouse had oversized shoulder pads. She turned to Julia and looked at her with sympathetic hazel eyes when she spoke. “I’m not going to join the army, I can tell you that.” She leaned forward and laughed, but her laughter did not seem sincere. Her deep-set hazel eyes did not laugh, and the others did not change their serious expressions. “I live in Paris, I was visiting family in New Jersey when Hitler invaded Poland. So now France is at war with Germany, and I have family in Paris. I’m going back to them to face the future with all of them.” She looked André in the eye. “Maginot Line or not.”
Julia felt immediately sympathetic to the woman. Not for her view of the military, just for her bravery in going home to face danger. She realized she had never thought of this in her life. For herself. Even the paintings that Hugh had bought, from Jews fleeing for their life, she felt the deep immorality of this thievery, and it had made her heart beat fast in anger, but it didn’t make her feel like s
he was personally in danger. A quick shot of pain ran through her chest as she realized what she was hearing. She had put herself and Lizzie in danger without even thinking about it. She wanted to leave, but was unable to move.
Julia felt she should wait to hear the other two, one a large man, young but much older than she, and the final person, a woman of middle age with no makeup and a wrinkled gray suit speckled with dust or hair or debris of some sort.
The woman , whose light brown hair was parted in the middle and fell on either side, spoke up. “I tell you, this is a voyage of the damned. We are going back to Europe that is on fire. I am Swiss, but my husband is Jewish.” She stopped and looked around her in defiance. “So I don’t care if all of you are Gestapo already. He has been interned, but I am going to go back and get him out. If any of you can help me, please let me know. I am a member of the International Red Cross. I have connections.” She shook her head and seemed to be talking to herself or whoever she had in mind in Paris or Berlin or Zurich. “I told him to come with me, but he wouldn’t and now I have to go back and get him out of those Nazi clutches. And after that I’m through with him.” She sat forward and her voice rose. “I don’t care who knows it.”
Julia wished at that moment that she had not brought the subject up. She thought she should just speak up but she didn’t have any idea what to say. How could she tell them, she was only a few years beyond her teens, and she had done the most foolish thing imaginable. It didn’t take any Nazis to lose her daughter. What should she say? That she was running away from home into a war zone?
Before she could speak, the remaining man spoke with the voice of caution, but his voice was tired. “I see. There are deep emotions here. Well, first of all I don’t think you should have to worry about any of us being members of the Gestapo, Mademoiselle. We are all poor lost souls going back home. I’m not in the military, and I’m not in the Red Cross. I’m just a business man, a négociant trying to arrange the purchase of French wines in America. But I made a rather unfortunate error in timing. Now that France has declared war on Germany, even if there is no fighting, even if France is protected by the Maginot Line, even if there’s a Red Cross, it’s going to be impossible to ship wines across the ocean. There will be U-Boats everywhere looking for French cargo ships, and the insurance has gone sky high, and we had better drink up all the wine before those Bosch take it all away.”
Julia was terrified as they all turned in silence to look at her, waiting patiently with cigarette and pipe smoke and upturned glasses of dark red wine. Not one of their faces was sympathetic.
“I’m going to Paris to study art,” she said as it popped into her head unprepared. What could she say? I’ve run away from home and now have lost my child and I don’t know what to do and I hope that Hugh will forgive me and send me a telegram back today? She smiled as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
The woman on her right, the one with the bright red lipstick who was returning home to be with her family became sympathetic. “Well, I admit that is a rather ambitious plan for these times. But we all know there is no better place to study art than Paris.”
The elderly man sniffed out his view. “But, of course, there is also Florence, they have a little art there.” He exhaled smoke and coughed, giving himself a small thump on the chest. One of the Swiss with no army but willing to fight battles with everyone.
The woman sighed and said, “Listen, I didn’t mean to get into competition with anybody. This-, “ she turned to Julia and touched her on the arm-, “what did you say your name is?”
“I didn’t,” Julia said, happy to have someone make this a little bit more personal. “It’s Julia.”
“Julia,” the woman said, “I’m Isabelle. Pleased to meet you.” Isabelle turned back to the elderly man. “Let’s be a little more gracious, shall we? Anyone who wants to study art while the Germans are destroying art is somebody we should respect.”
André said, “Germans may destroy their own art, but they will never destroy French art. The French military is the strongest in the world. We are not weak like the Poles. Julia, you will be able to study art in Paris as long as you like.” He turned to the elderly man. “As for Florence, you are correct as far as it goes. But Mussolini has joined with Hitler, so it’s not going to be a good place for foreigners to study.” He nodded his head in a little triumphant debating point.
The elderly man did not want to give up. He looked at Julia again and said, “You are very young. Are your parents not on this ship?-Nor your husband-,” then he directed his gaze to the ring on her finger so that everyone could see where he was looking-, “Madam?”
Julia felt caught. “My husband?” She unconsciously covered the ring with her right hand. “No, my husband is not on this ship. He has business to take care of. He will be coming over later.” She thought of André’s statement. “He’s not in the wine business. Real estate, mostly, in New York, so he won’t be directly affected by what happens in France.” She knew by the look in their eyes that she had closed one box and opened another.
“What will he do while you study art?” the elderly man said, sounding like a prosecutor.
Julia realized that she was in a den of Europeans who would not stop until they forced her to admit something. At the very least, that she should not be on this ship with the real people who are going to where they belong and she does not.
She stood and looked at them all. “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable discussing my career plans with you.” She turned to the elderly gentleman. “Thank you, Sir, for inviting me to sit with you. If you’ll excuse me, I have something important to do.”
The woman in the dirty gray suit said, “I’m sure you do, my dear, and it’s probably better than listen to us tear each other apart. I wish you luck. You will need it.”
Julia started to smile, but stopped and felt her mouth straighten and close. She turned, but felt a hand on her arm, and turning back she saw Isabelle’s friendly face.
“Julia, let me go with you. I think there are many things to do on this ship.” She stood and moved close to Julia, but waited until Julia moved away from the chairs.
“Thank you,” Julia said. “I really didn’t want to be rude.”
“Oh no, not at all.” Isabelle’s voice was conspiratorial. “That old man had found a convenient group to show off with.”
They left the lounge and out on the Sun Deck, Isabelle held out her hand. “Perhaps we can see each other again. We have a long way to go.”
“I’d like that,” Julia said. She shook the woman’s hand, then waved and turned into the hall leading to her cabin. But she stopped, retreated back out onto the deck as Isabelle was passing by. “I would like that,” she said, holding her hand out to touch Isabelle’s arm.
Isabelle smiled warmly. “Well, then, at least you see we are not all devastated by events.”
Julia took her hand off Isabelle’s arm but kept her gaze on the woman while she opened the door again, then said, “We should walk together,” and went back inside. But one more time she came back out.
Isabelle was walking farther along on the deck.
“Let’s meet for dinner,” Julia called out. “In fact, why don’t you come to my cabin around five?”
“Julia turned back and laughed. “Sure. What cabin is it?”
“Oh. I don’t know. Wait.” Julia opened her purse and took out her ticket. “It’s on A-Deck, A100.”
“Oh my, that’s certainly first class. I can’t wait to see it. See you then.”
Julia turned once again and waved good-bye and smiled to see Isabelle waiting for her to make sure she was really gone this time. But once inside, her mind turned to the telegram she hoped-believed desperately- was waiting for her inside her cabin.
When she opened the door she looked down at the floor and her heart sank to see nothing had been slipped into the room. She stared at the dark wood blaming it for being empty. She wanted to go back down to the communications roo
m to see if it was there, but with a sigh she knew the answers she would get. The look on the officer's face as he shook his head told her in her imagination that she did not want to see it.
The four people in the conversation in the lounge hovered around her like ghosts. She wondered if the entire ship was full of people going back to face the terrible fate. Isabelle, at least gave her hope that she wouldn't be totally alone across the Atlantic Ocean.
The diamond watch on her hand, a gift from Hugh during their honeymoon, at Hermès on rue George V in Paris, told her that she had a long enough time before Isabelle returned for dinner. And dinner reminded her that she had no clothes except what she was wearing. She opened the brochure on the coffee table and found the location of the small shopping arcade.
The arcade consisted of a jewelry store, bookstore with postcards and other souvenirs, a drugstore, and the clothing store, and then several cosmetic parlors. Inside the clothing store she was disappointed with the selection and then felt disappointed with herself for thinking she would have more to choose from. This was the North Atlantic and heavy outdoor clothes dominated the room. But she did find two decent blouses, one white and the other light blue, and was grateful to find two pair of slacks, gray and brown, but the brown pair did not fit her, being too large. The young woman who managed the store told Julia they had a seamstress on board and she could have the pair of slacks dropped to her cabin tomorrow at noon. Julia was satisfied with that and took her clothes back to her room. Looking in the mirror at her tired dress, she realized that she had nothing to wear for dinner in first-class and that she didn't give a damn. She was certain that Isabelle would feel the same way.
For a moment she thought back to the strange set of people in the lounge. Her group of art students were totally different from these people. Maybe they had worries like these people, whose lives were dominated by fear of war, but they didn’t let politics become their veneer. Oh, she said to herself, what am I saying? There’s no war in New York.
The stateroom surrounded her in emptiness. The sofa, the two over cushioned armchairs, the empty coffee table and side tables, they made her feel shrunk to the size of little Lizzie. Lizzie, who was now alone with Hugh and Grace and nursemaids who couldn’t give her the love she could only get from her mother. Julia put her head down and cradled it in her hands and felt the gentle rocking of the boat in the sea.
Footsteps fell outside her door and she sat up, startled, waiting for the knock. None came. The footsteps took her hope with them down the hall. She sighed and went into the bathroom to clean up and learned that she had come on board with nothing. Not only had she lost her daughter, she knew every day there would be some reminder that she had lost everything else, too.
Back to the arcade she went, and purchased a toothbrush and paste and some soap. When she arrived back in her stateroom, she took her dress off and filled the tub with hot water.
As she tried to relax in the tub, she lay back and felt the warmth cover her, but it didn’t help her as she had hoped it would. The water rolled in a long gentle wave over her. Her mind filled with the contrast between New York and Park Avenue, the large house, and this isolation in a small room out to the center of the ocean. Knowing she would not get the soothing help she wanted from the bath, she got out of the tub and dried herself off, looking for a bathrobe, seeing she didn’t have one, and quick putting the light blue blouse and gray slacks on.
Her shoes were ridiculous medium heels, suitable for a dress, but not for slacks on a ship. So, once again, she put them on and went back to the shopping arcade and found herself once again limited by the options available to her. The woman behind the counter pointed out that they have only a limited selection because it’s what they sell. People don’t bring dance shoes, and they don’t bring walking shoes, so there’s your choice.
Julia tried on some white peep-toe mesh shoes, but they seemed too glamorous or happy, so she selected a pair of black oxfords, thinking they’ll last until she gets back to New York. The woman told her she’ll enjoy dancing in those, great for swing, and Julia gave her a look that made it clear she wasn’t going to be doing any dancing. The woman sheepishly made change for Julia and gave her the shoes without looking at her.
Back in her room, once again, Julia wished she hadn’t reacted so negatively. The woman behind the counter wasn’t the one who had run off without thinking it through. Dancing? Not with this somber group of people. Not without her little daughter. Not without her husband.
The two clocks on the far wall told her the time in New York and Paris. It was close enough to dinner and Isabelle would arrive soon. She picked up her purse to check her lipstick and saw the envelope with nearly $6,000 in it, just minus the few small purchases she had made on board. It wasn't safe to carry that kind of money around with her the ship. She hurried down the hallway again and found the bursar's office, where she deposited almost all the money in a safe deposit box, keeping only 100 dollars for the trip. Until the next time she found what it was that was essential and she had ignored.
She hurried back to her stateroom to wait for Isabelle. She had not been gone long and she was sure that Isabelle would have waited for her. Once inside, she left the door open to make it more inviting for her friend.
It did not take long and the knock on the door announced Isabelle's arrival.
"Please come in."
Isabelle smiled and was obviously impressed with the size of the room. "These rooms are even nicer than I thought, "she said as she caught herself and put her hand up to her mouth, "I'm sorry, it's none of my business how you go across the ocean."
Julia brushed it off. "It's not what I would have taken for myself, but I bought my passage very late." She sensed that Isabelle was being polite but was indeed in awe of Julia's accommodations. Something else that hadn’t occurred to Julia, that a newfound friend onboard a ship heading to Europe could feel like some of the students at the art league who made it clear they didn’t care for the beautiful rich girl playing at art. She saw that Isabelle nodded at the remark. “Yes, it’s much too big for me, but I’m out the money, so there’s nothing to do. It’s true, they were going to give it to someone else if I didn’t pay for it right away. They even called me at home.”
Isabelle waved her off, “No, I’m sorry, I was just momentarily caught off guard. Where I’m staying is small, but it’s very nice, too.”
Julia picked up her coat. “Yes, I’m going on too much as well. Shall we go to dinner? I admit to being very hungry.”
The two women went to dinner, but as they reached the stairwell Julia turned left to go out to the deck and Isabelle turned right to go down to the third class deck. Julia held the door open for Isabelle, and was startled to see her going down.
"Isabelle, where you going?"
"Oh, I see, I didn't think about it, I guess my stomach just got the better of me and I was going down to dinner on our deck."
Julia beckoned her to come out. "That's nonsense, you're coming to dinner as my guest. That's it."
"Thank you very much, that's very kind of you." Backspace
Julia held the door open for Isabelle and the two walked down to the Mayflower Café. Inside they were given a table beneath a huge mural of the landing at Plymouth rock.
After they ordered, Isabelle sat back in her chair and studied Julia for a moment. Then she leaned forward and spoke in a conspiratorial tone. "Julia, -" then she hesitated a moment looked down and back up before continuing to speak, "I have to ask you something, if you don't mind."
Julia was surprised by the intimacy of Isabelle's conversation. "No, I don't mind." She gave out a little laugh. "I'll have to wait in here with your question is I suppose."
Isabelle smiled and said, "It's none of my business but you've been very kind to me. But when you came on board ship I saw you and a little girl-".
Julia was shocked. What was Isabelle doing, watching her come on board?
Isabelle said, "I'm sorry, I have upset you
and I didn't mean to do that. I had no right, please forgive me." She put her napkin on the table and pushed her chair back.
"No, don't go. You didn't really upset me, that's not what it is, I mean I'm already upset and I'm actually glad to have somebody to talk to." Julia picked up her wine and took a small sip but kept the glass in her lips and she tasted the Burgundy. "I don’t know what to say. It's you who have been kind to me.” She looked at Isabel’s eyes and saw the mixture of sympathy and curiosity in the dark brown. “I did come on board with my little daughter. We were going to Paris together.” Julia wanted to be careful, she didn’t want to tell Isabelle, who was after all a stranger, everything that happened to her. It wasn’t only that there was so much to explain, and she didn’t know how deep Isabelle’s sympathies went, she didn’t know herself how she should really explain this to somebody. “My husband came and took her back at the last minute.”
Isabelle nodded solemnly. “I’m sorry, Julia. I really am. I know this must be really hard for you. If there’s anything at all I can do to help you, I’”
“Yes, I know you would. But we are out on the ocean now, and there is nothing anybody could do.” She looked around the room at the people coming in and going and in various stages of eating and was glad that none of them paid any attention to her. “I’ll just have to wait until the ship arrives in France, and then see what I can do. I mean, see how fast I can get back.”
“So you’re not going to study art in Paris?”
“ You don’t know me, Isabelle, but my little girl was everything to me. It was a complete surprise when my husband took her away.” Julia knew now that she had to keep her secret to herself, because it was herself she was afraid of. “It was supposed to be a vacation, for me, and Lizzie, but it didn’t turn out that way.”
“Lizzie?” Isabelle seemed much more interested when she heard the name of the little girl. “Your little girl? How old is she?”
“She’s two years old, going on 10.” Julia laughed for the first time in a week.
“I’m sorry that you don’t have your little girl with you. I would have taken care of her while you were in school.”
“Yes, I know you’re that kind of person. I wasn’t going to go to school full-time, I just thought I would find somebody to take care of her for an hour or two. While I went to museums. The concierge, most likely. I figured I could just work that out when we got there.” When she heard herself say the word “we”, Julia felt her eyes well up. She put her head down and spent a longer time than necessary adjusting her napkin.
“Have you tried to contact them, your husband I mean?”
Julia understood this conversation is getting too close. She looked at Isabelle without saying anything and saw that recognition in Isabelle’s face, that this was as far as this particular conversation was going to go. She decided to find a way to talk about something else, although she really wanted to talk about nothing at all. “Yes as a matter of fact, I have sent a telegram and I’m hoping to hear back soon. But you know my daughter is probably very upset and he can very well have taken her on a trip somewhere or even to the park and who knows when they will get back home. Now if you don’t mind I would really like to change the subject. I have to wait and I have to wait by myself and no one can help me.”
Isabelle nodded. “All right, perhaps now it is time for me to go. I think I’ve overstayed my welcome in your generosity.”
Julia shook her head. “No. I still don’t want you to go, Isabelle. I just don’t want to go on talking about something beyond my control.”
“I think I am finished, but you might want some dessert.”
“No, I am too.” Julia stood up and turned to leave the table, but waited for Isabelle to come with her. “Shall we explore the ship?” Julia was very glad now to have someone to talk to. She didn’t want to be by herself while she waited for the telegram from Hugh. She knew she could not wish it into happening. It might never come. And she would then be on her own on the other side of the Atlantic, and after what she heard from the group in the lounge earlier, she faced an uncertain arrival. Isabelle could help her understand what was going on. She didn’t think there was going to be a war.
Julia went out to the deck, followed by Isabelle. A strong wind blew Julia’s hair up. She held it down with her hands, then decided to just let it go. She laughed at Isabelle, who seemed unconcerned about the sea air and what it did to her appearance. Julia took notice of that. Isabelle didn’t seem to care how she looked. She was attractive enough, but her dress was very ordinary. But at that moment Julia realized it didn’t matter to her, either. They walked along the deck past people in deck chairs, a mother standing over a basket with a little baby in it, two men in their maritime uniforms walking just in front of them. One of the men tipped his hat to Julia, who ignored him.
“Well you won’t be ignored on board ship, Julia,” Isabelle said, with an impish smile on her face.
Julia wasn’t interested in whether sailors paid attention to her. She hadn’t even noticed whether they were looking at her. “Isabelle, tell me about your family. You said you were visiting New Jersey?”
Isabelle nodded, her face lighting up when asked. “Yes, New Jersey. My brother is there. He has a wife and two children. He’s been there a long time. It’s not my first trip.”
“So you were just there to see them?”
“Yes, you might say that. To tell you the truth, I’m not so sure that everything will be okay in Europe. So I decided to go see Daniel before anything happens.”
“But you left your family behind in France?”
“Yes, but I’m not married. There’s just my mother. My father died in the first war.”
Julia touched Isabelle on the arm. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re not-,” Julia hesitated, then thought better of it, “married, I was going to say. Please now forgive me for my indiscretion.”
Isabelle smiled at her and leaned in closer. “No, not at all. I think it’s very sympathetic of you. But no, I’ve never been married. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s French men. If they could all be as nice as Daniel, maybe. But, to tell you the truth, I don’t miss it.”
“I understand,” Julia said, her voice carrying her concern. “You noticed my daughter, so to me that meant you liked children.”
“Ah, that, yes, it’s true. I adore Daniel’s children. But for me, I think it will never happen. Now it’s too late for me.” Isabelle turned and looked intensely into Julia’s eyes as she continued. “I must stay home and take care of my mother. She is not well.”
Julia stepped away for a moment, a small shiver going through her. “Oh, but how could you leave her?”
“That was my feeling, too. But she was the one who insisted on it. Julia, she lived through the war once, it was terrible. She lost the man who gave meaning to her life. She had nothing, and then there were only Daniel and me. She was the one who told Daniel to get out of France. He was going to try to live in Switzerland, but she forbade even that. My mother told him to go to America, where there’s no war. That was ten years ago. But now, when Germany attacked Poland, she was terrified. She said I must go to America to see Daniel and give him her love.”
“But who took care of her?”
“She has friends around her. You know, people in France, they have been suffering together for a long time.”
“But you must be worried about her?” Julia had for a few moments forgotten about her absent daughter. Here was a woman who was torn between her brother and her mother. She thought of her own mother, now long dead, living her short life in peaceful upstate Maine without the world turning everything upside down.
“Yes, of course I am, Julia. Just like you are worried about your little Lizzie. And that is why I am going back home. I have seen Daniel, and now I will go back to my mother.”
Julia stepped out past the end of the covered deck and into an area with people playing shuffleboard while dressed in long overcoats. Ahead of them were cranes ti
ed down and a huge anchor up against the outside wall. A steel fence prevented them from going that far. She pulled her coat tight against the cold.
“Isabelle, why don’t you bring your mother back with you to New Jersey? Then she can be with both you and Daniel.”
Isabelle thought for a long moment, which seemed strange to Julia, who thought it was a simple straightforward idea.
“I have tried. I argued with her. Daniel wants her to come and live with him, too. But she’s so stubborn, Julia. She doesn’t want to leave her little corner of Paris. She won’t find friends, she says, or won’t leave her friends. But most of all, I think, she wants to go to the cemetery on Toussaint, All Saints Day, and put flowers down for her husband, and her cousin’s husband and her friends’ husbands. They all go.”
“I think I understand that,” Julia said. ”For her, that’s what her life has been all about. But that’s not the way I would be. I love my family more than my friends.”
“Ah, but really, my mother, she loves my father. He was gassed in the war, you know, and my mother took care of him for months until he died. Actually, she died with him. And that’s why. I think she kind of thought I would stay in America. But I love her, too. Maybe she doesn’t understand that well enough.”
Julia frowned at Isabelle. “Oh, come on, you know she understands that. But she has terrible choices. Your mother has been afraid for a very long time. She wants you and Daniel to have a life she could not.”
“So, do you think I should just stay on the ship and come back, like you?” Isabelle’s voice betrayed a change in her feeling. Now she seemed to be drawing away from Julia.
Julia worried she might lose a friendship she had just made. “Please don’t look at it that way.”
“But what would you do if you were me, Julia. Tell me, I would like to hear it.” There was more of a sincere pleading in her voice now.
Julia stopped and sat in an empty deck chair. She waited for Isabelle to join her.
“To be honest, I would do what you would do.”
“Well, that’s not a very good answer.”
“Of course, because only you can answer your question. You are going back now, and there’s no way you’re going to stay on this ship and turn around with it. You’re already on the way to your mother. You have to first make it to Paris, then see your mother, then make up your mind. And now I know the answer to that.”
“You do?” Isabelle appeared to be genuinely surprised.
“It’s obvious. And you’ve already said it. Once you are there with your mother, you are not going to leave her while there’s a war going on, even if it’s a phony one.”
Isabelle sat up and touched Julia on the arm. “You must come with me and meet my mother.”
Julia shook her head. “You know that’s impossible. I have to go home. If I don’t get a telegram from Hugh, my husband, I will go back on my own.” She leaned toward Isabelle. “Wait, no, you’re right. I will go to Paris and fly back home from there. That’s faster than the ship anyway. So, it’s settled. For both of us. For now.”
Isabelle for a few moments didn’t quite comprehend what had been settled. She nodded and said, “For now. That’s not a very long time. But I am happy you will meet my mother. Oh, she’s a wonderful cook. She will make you boeuf bourguignon, and champignons, we shall go pick them ourselves in the Bois de Boulogne and-“
“Wow, that sounds wonderful, Isabelle. But remember, I’m just staying long enough to get a flight out. No, I do want to meet your mother, maybe I can convince her to go to New York with us, and we’ll all go to New Jersey.” Isabelle couldn’t believe the lighthearted way she just said all that. “No, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
That evening, Julia turned out the lights in her cabin and listened to the humming of the ship as it rolled gently across the ocean. She wondered what Lizzie was hearing as she lay in her bed. Was she thinking about her mom? Have they already moved her out of the house and to Philadelphia. Someone walked by outside her cabin door and no sooner had the footsteps disappeared then she realized with the sinking of her heart that it wasn’t somebody with a telegram.
She believed that tomorrow was still a possibility. It was a new day for Hugh and Grace. They would realize what they had done, they would look at little Lizzie and see how sullen she was, probably crying, refusing to come out of her room. And so tomorrow was the logical day when they would send a telegram back saying they understood, it was a mistake, and could be remedied in a few days.
She focused her attention on Lizzie’s face, at the intense fear in the little child’s eyes when she was carried out of the cabin and out to the deck. As she lay in the dark, she told the little girl to not give up hope, just wait for me and your mother will come back to you and we will be together as a family. She repeated that several times each time with more intensity, and each time she felt the relief that passed over.
In the morning she walked down to the communications room and asked if a telegram arrived, politely saying she knew that if you had one you would bring it to me, but I’m waiting and this helps me wait. The officer showed great sympathy toward her but he had nothing to show her. She thanked him very much and left, trying to display a sense that it wasn’t as important as she knew it’s was inside.
At the end of the day she knew that the time was over when she was going to receive a telegram back to say they were waiting for her to come home. She knew she had to go home on her own, but that once she arrived there would be a reunion because Hugh and Grace did not want Lizzie to suffer without her mother.
As the ship passed the nautical miles ever closer to France Julia came closer to realizing that it was Lizzie and only Lizzie that was the glue that held her marriage together. It was the family that made the marriage possible.
When the ship was on its last day of the cold voyage across the cold North Atlantic Julia went to the bursar’s office. Inside sat a young officer organizing paperwork, preparing for the end of the crossing. He was intent at making notes. When she came in he looked up at her and smiled, obviously happy to be nearing land again.
“How can I help you?” He leaned back in his chair and pointed to a wall of safety deposit boxes. “You must be the last person to pick up your belongings.”
Julia realized she hadn’t even thought about her money. That wasn’t why she had come to the bursar’s office. ”Why yes you’re right.”
He didn’t wait for her to speak any further. “Julia Stuart isn’t it? It kind of has to be in because you’re the last one. Everyone else came in early. Do you have your key?”
Julia felt foolish and opened her purse and found the key. “Here it is,” she said, as if she had to make the announcement to overcome her lack of preparation. She waited until the young man had given her money back in its envelope. She had an impulse to count it but she couldn’t do that in front of him. “Well, actually, I’m here about something else as well.” She looked down to avoid his eyes as she thought about what she was going to say. Then she looked up and said, “I’m here to inquire about passage back to New York.”
He looked up at her in surprise. And then he thought for a moment is if it weren’t straightforward. “I have to tell you, I’m sorry,” he said and then looked down at his desk to find her name again. “That’s not possible. We have not been informed by the United States Line where we are to go from here.”
Julia’s heart sank. “Oh, I had no idea. Aren’t you going back?”
The young man nodded, his face showing consternation. “I have no idea. We shall stay here for a day, I guess, because we need to refuel and take on supplies for the crew. But I am not prepared to accept new passengers. Normally at this point we would have a cable with the number of passengers, and whether we’re moving on to Hamburg or Southampton.”
Julia couldn’t let it go. “Don’t people ever go back?”
He smiled and sympathy. “Of course they do,” he said. “People always arrive and then have many reasons w
hy they have to go back right away. But not this trip. You’re not the only person who wanted to go back with us. The situation here, you know,” and then he intertwined his fingers in front of him as if he were going to pray. “It doesn’t matter. We’re not going anywhere. It’s not up to me.”
Julia shrunk inside herself. She held up her hand in a meek wave of goodbye and left the room. And as she walked back to her cabin she felt guilty, as if she had betrayed Isabelle. Now she had no choice but to go to Paris. At first she had thought she had to wait until the ship had docked and then she could go on shore and book passage in the ship companies offices. But it was clear from what the bursar had said, that it would be a waste of time.
She had nothing to do until they arrived in port. She couldn’t leave the ship without finding Isabelle. She had made no plans beyond walking down the gangplank. She walked once around the deck. There were half as many people as usual, and no one was playing shuffleboard or any of the other activities she usually saw every day. Of course, they were all packing their suitcases and putting dresses back into trunks. She went down to the C deck and found Isabelle in her small cabin, with the door open, closing the lid on a large suitcase.
Isabelle looked up when she heard Julia’s voice saying hello. She stood and smiled, then said, “Oh I’m so glad you came down here. I’m afraid I waited too long to start packing, and then I was going to go look for you. But you saved me the trouble.”
Julia waved off the apology. “I must admit the thought just occurred to me that maybe it would work for us to go to Paris together, and I hadn’t made any arrangements for myself. And then of course I wanted to say goodbye if that were the case.”
Isabelle looked hurt for a moment and then said, “Oh no, it’s all set. I sent my mother a telegram. She is waiting for us. She knows you’re coming. She didn’t cable me back but I know my mother. She loves company. She knows you’re an American and that really excites her I’m sure.”
“Well, that sets my mind at rest.”
“Julia,” Isabelle said, frowning, “you didn’t really think I was going to leave you at the dock, did you?”
“You know, it’s just the way I am. When the ship arrives then the voyage is over and I start a new voyage. I’m just nervous, you know my real goal is to get back to my little Lizzie. You understand that don’t you?”
Isabelle came over to her and put her hands on her shoulders and held them there for a moment before letting them fall at her side. “I do, of course I do. As soon as we are at home and you’re settled in I will go with you to the airline office and we’ll arrange for your tickets home.”
Julia let out a sigh of relief, and felt tears behind her eyes. “I can’t thank you enough Isabelle. I don’t mean to rely on you. You just make everything so much easier. I feel funny right now. I feel like I want to stay and get to know you and your mother and Paris, but of course I also want to go home and be with my family. But think of this, you will always have a friend in America, and I will always have a friend in France. This has been an amazing voyage. I never gave any thought to this kind of thing ever happening to me. Bless you.”
Isabelle laughed, then immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make fun of you. I am not religious. I am very French in that regard. I didn’t mean to do something like that. I am very happy if you want to bless me, my friend.”
Julia smiled, “To tell you the truth, I’m not very religious either. Even though I went to a Catholic school. Let’s forget it, it just came out like that.”
“I’ll meet you on the dock. Just stay as close as you can to the gangplank and I’ll be able to find you. I look for you don’t you look for me.”
Julia went back to her cabin and picked the few things that she had and put them into the sacks that she had received at the store. When she arrived at the deck for departure, she found it jammed full of exasperated people, some of them with luggage on the deck, all looking around to see why the line was not making any progress.
Julia asked the woman in front of her, who was holding the arm of a man on one side and a small boy on the other, “Do you know what’s happened?”
The woman smiled, clearly irritated that Julia had chosen her to solve the problem. “I believe it’s because they’re searching everyone’s luggage. There are police down there alongside the customs officials.”
Julia frowned, “They didn’t tell us this would happen.”
“I’m afraid they did. That’s what the bursar told me. No one took it seriously.”
Julia tried to remember back, but couldn’t come up with any time during the trip when she was made aware of this. “I don’t think so. I didn’t hear about it.”
The woman smiled again and turned away from Julia. Moments later Isabelle came through the door out to the deck and pushed her way next to Julia.
“Oh, there you are,” Julia said. “I didn’t expect this.”
Isabelle sighed. “I guess I should have told you. Some people know it and some don’t.”
“But why are they taking so long?”
Isabelle looked at Julia with a quick movement of her head back and forth, her eyes showing impatience with Julia’s lack of understanding. “It’s customs.”
“Yes, I know that, but it went quickly last time I was here.”
“My dear,” Isabelle said, “have you forgotten? There’s a war here.”
“Yes, I know that, but there’s no fighting, and there’s certainly no war near here. And the lady in front of me said there’s police here, not only customs officers. They are going through everyone’s luggage.”
“I am not surprised,” Isabelle said, with a weary look on her face. “You know who they’re looking for?”
“Me? Are you kidding? How should I know? German spies I should guess.”
“Ah, yes, that, too, but they are looking for communists, for people smuggling weapons into the country. You know, from an innocent country like the United States.”
“I see,” Julia said, “that makes sense, now I feel foolish. We’re just going to have to wait. I think it’s going to take a long time.”
Isabelle excused herself to people near them, making her way to the railing. She looked down a long while, surveying the whole scene, looking more serious the longer she inspected the wharf. Back at Julia’s side, she said, “There aren’t many of them, so this is going to take a very long time. Listen, you aren’t in a hurry are you?”
Julia looked at her in surprise. “Yeah, actually, I think I am. I want to get to Paris so I can go back home.”
Isabelle laughed, “Oh, you’re thinking more long term. I mean, why don’t we just go back inside and sit down in the lounge and wait for the line to become smaller.”
Julia thought for a moment. “I see. Maybe. But I like being out here. Look, there’s Le Havre, there’s France. Don’t you like seeing it?”
“Well, of course, but it’s getting colder and the line isn’t moving and I would like a glass of wine.” She pointed behind them. “See, we’re almost at the end of the line anyway.”
“Oh, on this deck,” Julia said, “but there are other decks below us. You came up two decks just to be with me. And I thank you for that. It was very nice of you. Now you are probably delayed because of me.”
“Fine, who cares. Come on, let’s go wait where it’s comfortable and service. We can always come back out when the line gets smaller. That’s what will happen. Everybody will wait here, and then things will start to move fast and that’s when we will come out longer.”
“All right.”
They went back inside and sat down in the Mayflower Café. Unfortunately, service had been discontinued, but there were glasses of water made available by some thoughtful staff, so they sat down just inside the windows. Soon they were joined at other tables by people who had been in line close to them. Eventually the line started to move and there was no one outside the window. Isabelle stood and looked along the deck and motioned Julia to go with her.
They made their slow way down the gangplank and onto the wharf and were directed to a table with a customs officer seated behind it and a police officer behind him. And behind them stood a third man in an overcoat who surveyed the scene with suspicious eyes.
The customs officer motioned them forward. “Bonjour. Welcome to France. Your passports, please. Are you traveling together?”
Simultaneously, Julia said no and Isabelle said yes, and they looked at each other in surprise. The officer raised his eyebrows in an exaggerated manner and looked back and forth between them, then leaned back as if to bring the police officer into the situation. The third man adjusted his stance and narrowed his field of vision to Julia and Isabelle.
“Well, now, which is it, ladies. Are you together or not.”
Isabelle spoke up first. “We’re both right, Sir. She said no because we did not come on the ship together. I said yes because we met on the ship and now she’s coming to Paris with me to meet my mother.”
The customs officer kept his lips tight as he thought of the proper reaction. Then he nodded, “I see.” He looked down at their passports. He took Julia’s passport, but gave the other one to the policeman. He looked at Julia then down at the passport, and flipped through the pages. “Madame, do you speak French.”
“Oui, Monsieur.” Then Julia decided to give a longer answer to impress on him that she knew more than was in a guide book. “You can see that I have been to France before.”
The policeman motioned for Isabelle to follow him off to the side. She smiled at Julia and said, “I’ll be right back.”
Julia nodded, but frowned.
The customs officer noticed it and said, “Don’t worry, it’s just routine. She’s French, you are not. So, where is your luggage?”
Julia had forgotten that she had none. She felt foolish, not having any luggage and not having any reason. “I don’t have any.”
The officer sat back in his chair and looked around as if he was being made a fool of himself. “I see. You come all the way across the ocean, here you are, and you have no clothes. And do you expect me to believe that?”
“It’s the truth. That’s all I can tell you.”
“And why should I believe you? You are not a very ordinary tourist, Madame.”
“I have no other answer.”
He stood up and glowered at her. “Well, you had better come up with a better answer than that or you are in serious trouble young lady.” He stood, leaning on the table, close to her face.
Julia stepped back. “I’m sorry. The fact is I ran away from home and I did it in a hurry and I couldn’t give myself away by packing my suitcase. I had my little girl with me-“
“Your little girl?” The man almost shouted out. He feigned looking around and under the table. “And where is she, your little girl?” He opened his eyes wide to make sure she understood he was losing patience with her.
“Here,” she said, opening her purse, and handing him her ticket. “It says right on the ticket. But my husband came and took her away. You can ask the crew, there was an officer on the ship who was with him. You can ask them.” For the first time Julia understood the seriousness of the situation. She looked over at the police officer talking to Julia. “You can ask her, too, Monsieur, she saw it. I mean she saw me come on with my daughter. You must ask the ship’s officer about my husband.”
The customs officer appeared satisfied with this response. He had someone he could give the problem to. “One moment,” he said, his voice more sympathetic. He went to the police officer and talked to him and Isabelle for a moment. Then he came back and nodded to Julia. “She corroborates your story. Or at least part of it. You wait here. I will find someone on the ship who can help me with the other part of it.” He pointed to the chair.
Julia sat and watched him walk away to the ship and up the gangplank, disappearing on the deck. Isabelle came back and joined her.
“Are you all right?” Isabelle said, touching Julia’s arm. “Where’s he going?”
“He’s going to ask an officer on the ship to verify that my husband took my daughter away. Are you all right, Isabelle?”
“Yes, the police was just suspicious because we gave contrary answers at first, and the customs officer dealt with you because you are not French. But it’s all right. They asked me to tell them all I knew about you on the boat, and if you were alone, and when I told them about little Lizzie, the customs officer was satisfied, and so they, I think they stopped worrying about us. But now we’re in their little book.”
“Oh? What do you mean by that?”
“As I said, Julia, it’s wartime, even if it’s only a phony ware. They have duly noted that we came off the boat together, and whatever else they want. Eventually it will make its way to Paris and we will be famous.” Isabelle reacted to Julia’s concern at the last remark. “Oh don’t worry, they can’t possibly remember us. There are so many people coming and going. It’s good, you see. All the information goes to Paris and then nobody can ever find it. Thank god for Napoleon, at least this once.”
The customs officer returned and became his normal perfunctory self. He stamped her passport, checked that Isabelle’s travel permit had been stamped by the police, then returned the documents to them. The police officer then stepped forward and produced two more documents and handed them to the customs officer, who handed one each to the two women. He held on to the pieces of paper, saying, “You may go now, ladies. These permits will allow you to travel to Paris, but you will of course, report to the district office in your arrondissement within two days, won’t you?” He then let the pieces of paper go.
“Yes, sir,” Julia said. She put her hand out to him.
He was surprised, but then smiled and shook her hand. “Madame. Enjoy Paris.”
“Thank you,” Julia said.
Isabelle moved from the table without saying a word. Julia followed her and, a few feet away, she turned back and saw the three men laughing among themselves, the police officer pointing at her and Isabelle, making a hand gesture that could have only been lewd. She felt a sickness in her stomach. Welcome to France.
They moved out from the pier and into the bus station just outside on Quai Atlantique. At the Le Havre train station, they had a short wait for the train to Paris. As they traveled south, Isabelle reassured Julia that their interviews back on the pier were nothing to be worried about.
“Julia, is everything all right? Are you still concerned about what happened back there?”
“No, not really. Yes, but not because they asked us those questions.” She was deeply concerned that they had not asked her to empty her purse with all the money in it. She moved her head back and forth, looking down. She had thought of nothing of all this. She looked up again, at Isabelle. “It’s, you know, oh, I don’t know. Oh, yes I do. There I was in front of customs and I had no luggage. It must have looked suspicious to them.”
“Okay, Julia, maybe at first. I tell you what’s a good sign. The customs officer went himself up to the ship to find out. That means that he really trusted you. You’re only in trouble when the police go looking. There’s nothing going on. So don’t be worried. Let’s go up to the snack car and get something to eat, and enjoy our couple of hours to Paris.”
Julia nodded and felt better, but still not completely secure. She knew she would not feel that until she got home in New York and was playing with Lizzie in Central Park.
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