by KD Robichaux
Me: Naekkeo, I haven’t slept in days, not since I took you back to your car last Saturday night. I had you in my bed, right where I’m lying right now, and I could’ve taken you. I know that’s what we both wanted. What we both still want. But I couldn’t make love to you without you knowing the truth. I hope that at least shows you can trust me a little bit. Enough that you can at least believe me when I say I need you in my life, even if it’s just as friends. No ulterior motives. No trying to break down your defenses in order to try to get you to ignore your morals and sleep with me. I truly just… want to be your friend.
Another minute passes, and I start to think maybe she’s fallen asleep, but finally the three little dots begin to dance on my screen.
Cece: If you promise you can keep what’s between us completely platonic, then yes, I’ll promise to stop avoiding you, and we can be friends.
My heart leaps into my throat as I grin, and I want to chide myself for having the emotions of a teenaged girl, but I’m much too relieved to give a fuck about my man card at the moment, when I’m alone in my room in the middle of the night.
Me: I promise.
Cece: I’m serious, Win. The first time you do anything in front of anyone that you wouldn’t do with Steph, this friendship will have to be over. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you lost everything because of me.
Me: I understand, naekkeo. You need to get some sleep. You’ve had a stressful week, and I feel like I can finally calm my racing thoughts enough to get some sleep myself. I’ll see you tomorrow at work.
Cece: Okay. Night, Win.
Me: Goodnight, friend.
While my worries about facing another day of Cece ignoring me are finally calmed, now thoughts fill my mind of the many ways I can be close to her without crossing the very clear line she’s drawn in the sand between us. I want nothing more in this world than to take care of her, to lift all the weight off her shoulders and carry it myself so she can be worry-free and happy, to be content and not stress about anything in life. And I have to figure out a way to do that but without coming across overbearing, without looking to the outside world like we’re in a relationship.
Sure, I’ve done small things for her since the day I met her. I’ve sent her home with dinner for her whole family more times than I can count. I’ve given her whatever schedule she needs in order to make it work with her sister’s. I loaned her the money for the lawyer and helped her find the best one in town for her particular situation. And I came to her defense when her asshole ex showed up at work. But any opportunity that arises to show Cece how much she means to me, how much I care about her and love her, without making it obvious to everyone else, I’m going to take. That way if by some miracle she’s still single in three years, she might just give me a chance to be more to her when my shitshow of a marriage can finally officially end.
And for the first time since she was in my bed, I fall asleep… but dream of nothing but being more than friends with Cece Willimson.
20
Cece
“Look what the cat dragged home.” I give Mia a knowing smirk when she comes home from Talon’s super early the next morning. The girls aren’t even up yet, but I’ve started breakfast.
After she sets down her bag, she follows me into the kitchen from where I peeked out to see her in the foyer, and she takes a seat on one of the stools, accepting the cup of coffee I pass her.
“I should have called you last night to tell you that I was staying out, but honestly, I passed out and—”
“I’m sorry,” I cut her off, looking down at myself. “Did I suddenly become your mother that you need to check in with?” I ask, and she rolls her eyes. “Mia, you’re a grown woman. You don’t have to check in with me, and it’s not like I didn’t know where you were or who you were with.” I turn toward the stove, where I have bacon sizzling in a skillet. “So I’m guessing, since you’ve stayed with him two nights in a row, things are getting serious?”
She takes a moment to respond, but then she asks, “Is it weird I want to say yes?”
“Why would it be weird?” I prompt, looking at her over my shoulder. “If it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel.” My heart zings for her. This is a big deal for my sister. Such a big deal.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I haven’t known him long.”
“How long do you think you need to know someone before you know them?”
“I don’t know. A while.” She shrugs again.
A bit of bitterness creeps into my voice, but not aimed at her. “Mia, you can think you know someone and not have a clue who they are. Do you think I ever in my wildest dreams thought Mike would cheat or start dating someone else before we’ve even signed divorce papers?”
She frowns. “What do you mean?”
“About what?” I ask, confused by her confusion.
“Mike’s dating? Like really dating? I mean, I knew he had that woman over last weekend, but I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.”
I need to update her on what he told me Saturday evening in his texts.
“He’s in love.” I roll my eyes as I take the bacon out of the pan, placing it on a paper towel. “Tammy was over again yesterday for lunch with the girls. Ruby is obsessed with her, because she likes the same games she does, and Kate thinks she’s pretty.” I relay everything the girls told me last night when they got home.
“And Lola?” she prompts, watching my expression closely.
“Lola is having a hard time with all this, but she’s also my girl who has rooted for every Disney princess to find her Prince Charming. She’ll be okay.” I say it for myself as much as for her. I spent an hour with Lola alone last night and let her show me at least ten different music videos from those BTS boys. I had to admit, they’re way more talented than I originally gave them credit for. And the boost in mood they gave her, after she got back home seeming tense and uneasy, was incredible. It was like they were almost… therapeutic to her. I guess there is such a thing as music therapy after all.
“And are you okay about him dating and having someone around the girls?” she asks, and I lean down to rest my elbows on the counter.
“I’m not exactly okay with him having a woman around my girls, but we talked about it, and he assured me they aren’t alone with her and that if it wasn’t serious, he wouldn’t have her around them. I don’t want to make things harder for the girls by getting ugly or petty. They’re dealing with enough. They don’t need to see or hear their dad and me fight. Truthfully, I’m just trying to focus on my future and happiness.”
She watches me for a minute, then she asks quietly, “Is Winston going to be a part of the future happiness?”
“No,” I reply, my voice firm. I’ll give him his chance to be my friend, but I know in my heart it will be impossible for us to be platonic, when it’s clear we both have overwhelming feelings for each other. It’s not going to last long, this “friendship.” And then we’re going to have to cut everything off, whether that means I have to find a new job or… I don’t know what else.
“Yesterday seemed pretty intense,” she points out.
I lick my lips then close my eyes. It’s time I tell Mia what happened. I’m sick of carrying around this burden, and I could really use her help to stay strong when it comes to fighting my feelings for a married man. “Before I knew he was married, Winston and I hooked up. I… I don’t even know how it happened, but it did, and it was amazing. He’s amazing.” I open my eyes and give her a sad smile, remembering how… complete I felt for the first time in my life when his lips were on mine, when he made me come without even taking any of my clothes off. I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to actually make love to him. “But he’s not for me. I can’t…. I won’t be with someone who is married to someone else, and he’s not going to divorce his wife anytime soon, so it doesn’t matter how much I like him or how much he likes me. It’s never going to work.”
“Why are they still married if they aren�
��t together?”
“It’s a long story, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter, because he is married, even if they aren’t living together or sharing a bed.” I blink as tears fill my eyes. “It sucks, because I really do care about him, but I won’t settle. I will never settle again.” But God how I wish I could be with him. He’s everything I want, everything I will ever want. My heart aches, unable to be with the one man who sets my soul on fire, and I know my sister can see my pain, even though I’m trying my best to hide it.
“I’m sorry, Cece.”
“Me too.” I push away from the counter. “I’m going to go wake up the girls and get them ready for school.”
“I’ll come up and help.”
“I got it. Finish your coffee, and if you don’t mind, add some water to some pancake mix,” I request.
“Sure.” She smiles.
“Thanks.” I kiss the side of her head when I pass her by on my way upstairs.
“Grandma! Grandpa!” Ruby, Lola, and Kate shout as they run up the sidewalk toward Mom and Chaz, who arrived while I went to pick the girls up from school.
“My babies!” Mom cries, dropping to her knees and opening her arms wide. “Oh, I missed you all so much.” She smothers each of them with kisses before allowing them to go to Chaz, who is standing back and waiting for his chance to hug them.
“Do you think they’ll notice if we take off for a few days?” I murmur to Mia when I step up on the porch.
“Probably not,” she mumbles back, wrapping her arm around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder. “How do you feel about Jamaica?”
“Sun, sand, cold drinks… what’s not to like? But since I’m broke, you should book the tickets,” I joke, and we both laugh.
“What are you two laughing about?” Mom asks, coming up the steps with Chaz and the girls following close on her heels.
“Nothing,” we both say at the same time, cutting off our laughter.
She eyes both of us skeptically then sighs. “All right then, let’s get the girls a snack and figure out what we should do for dinner.”
“I have work tonight, Mom, so you’ll have to work with Mia on dinner plans,” I say as we walk into the house and head toward the kitchen.
“I thought you were going to see about getting the night off?” Mom pouts.
“I tried, but a few girls are out with a bug that’s been going around. I should have the entire weekend off though, so maybe we can go do something—”
“Can we go to Gatlinburg?” Kate asks, cutting me off with a hopeful smile.
“That would be fun.” Mom’s eyes widen at the possibility. “I’ll look for a cabin tonight. A weekend in the mountains sounds like a great idea.”
I look at each of my girls before saying quietly, “I’ll have to talk to your dad about that, since Saturdays are his.” I didn’t even think about that until this moment. It’s the first time I would ever have to ask Mike about a change in our usual schedule since we’ve been separated.
“But—” Mom starts.
“We’ll find something to do,” Chaz inserts, using a tone I haven’t heard him use before as his gaze locks with Mom’s. He must’ve had a talk with her on their way here about taking it easy on me and not being overbearing. I love him even more in this moment than I already did.
“Right.” She lets out a breath. “We’ll find something fun to do.” She walks to the girls. “Now, what do you think we should eat for dinner? I’m thinking ice cream or cake.”
“Cake,” Lola and Kate say in unison.
“Ice cream.” Ruby laughs.
“You’re not feeding the girls cake or ice cream for dinner, when I never had that when I was their age,” Mia complains, rolling her eyes. “How about pizza?”
“You’re no fun.” Mom sighs dramatically, making the girls laugh, and the tension in the room disappears like it was never there.
“Too bad.” Mia walks across the kitchen, pulls out the menus from the drawer near the fridge, and hands them over to Mom so she and the girls can look at them.
Chaz wraps his arm around my shoulders and kisses the side of my head. It feels like coming home for the first time after a century away. Mia walks toward us when Chaz holds out his arm toward her, and I hear and feel his sigh of happiness when both his girls are in his embrace.
My teenage years would’ve been… unbearable if Mom hadn’t met Chaz. Even as fucked up as I am with all my daddy issues, at least I had one man who proved to me there are good men in this world. He fell in love with a woman who had two kids by a man who was absent, and he didn’t mind filling that void. It makes me realize that with Winston’s declaration of being in love with me and his persistence to be in my life, he’s also telling me without words that he’d be willing to take on that same burden, to be a father figure to three little girls who aren’t his.
We didn’t take it easy on Chaz, just like I know for a fact my girls wouldn’t go easy on Winston if it ever came to that. They’re fiercely protective of me, especially Lola. But Chaz never gave up or quit trying to prove to us that he was different and that he wasn’t going anywhere… just like I have a feeling Winston is trying to do with this whole friendship solution of his.
“So when do I get to meet the guy you’re dating?” Chaz asks Mia, cutting into my thoughts, and she looks at me around his broad chest, narrowing her eyes when I laugh.
“Umm…” She glances between Chaz and Mom. “We just started dating. I’m not sure I’m ready to start introducing him to family yet.”
“He’s met the girls, ate dinner with them, and took them out for ice cream,” I tattle, grinning at her, and then I add, looking back at Mom and Chaz, “He’s really nice, like really nice.”
“I want to meet him. What’s he doing tonight?” Mom demands.
“He’s working, and even if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t just spring meeting my parents on him. I need to give him a heads-up and prepare him for that introduction.”
“You brought Sheppard to dinner as soon as you started dating him,” Mom says, and Mia’s nose scrunches, because Mom’s right. She totally did. But I remember Mia saying it was because she didn’t really care about him. She liked him, but it was just superficial. She said she knew it would never be anything more than it was. She had also known him for years, and our parents met him a few times before they started seeing each other, so it hadn’t been a big deal to bring him to dinner.
“It’s that serious?” Chaz asks, and she tips her head back to look him in the eye. “Damn, it’s that serious,” he mutters.
Mia sighs. “Cece’s right. He’s really nice, and I like him a lot. I want you guys to meet him. I just want to see where his head’s at when it comes to that kind of thing.”
“We’ll wait until you’re ready,” Chaz says quietly, then kisses her on the forehead.
“I hate that I have to leave, but I need to get ready for work,” I mumble before looking at my girls and stepping away from Chaz. “Get your homework done so you don’t have to worry about it after dinner.”
“Sure, Mom,” Lola says, and Kate huffs.
“Grandma, will you help me study my vocabulary words?” Ruby asks.
“Of course I will.” She kisses the top of her head. “Get your stuff, and we’ll sit in the living room.”
“I’m going to unload the car.” Chaz grabs his keys off the counter.
“After I get the girls settled and their lunch bags taken care of, I’ll come out and help you,” Mia tells him.
“I got it, honey,” he says before he heads for the front door without a backward glance, and I go get ready for work.
21
Winston
“You promised you wouldn’t avoid me at work anymore,” I tell Cece, grabbing the rag from the sink, wringing it out, and start wiping down the bar in front of where she sits on the other side, rolling silverware. It was a pretty chill night, so I had expected her to stop to maybe chat with me when she picked up orders like she di
d before I ever kissed her, but she hadn’t.
She places a spoon, knife, and fork in the black fabric napkin and rolls it up. “I wasn’t avoiding you. I just have a lot on my mind is all.”
“Need to vent?” I ask, stopping my wiping and staring at her until she finally looks up and meets my gaze. “That’s what friends do, Cece. They vent to each other.”
She sighs, shaking her head. “I had a not so pleasant conversation with Mike on the way to work, and it’s just eating at me. I hate this walking on eggshells feeling I have all the time, not wanting to rock the boat because of all the divorce shit.”
I lean down and rest my crossed arms on the countertop, getting eye level with her. “What was the conversation about?”
She sighs again and rolls another set of silverware. “My parents arrived today. I called my mom the night Mike showed up when he was served—like an idiot, I might add; I should’ve known better than to call her crying—and my girls want to go to a cabin with them in Gatlinburg this weekend. I realized I’d have to ask Mike’s permission, since it would take away the one night he gets them, and I’ve never had to do that before. So I was already feeling super awkward about asking another person permission to do anything with my own children.”
She grips a rolled set tightly, her little knuckles turning white with the pressure. “He said no. Even though he has his stupid softball or whatever game on Saturday afternoon and wouldn’t pick them up until around six or seven, he still said no. And I didn’t even try to argue. I was so worried about pissing him off and doubling down on his efforts to get the girls to live with him that I just meekly said okay and that was the end of it.”
“Are you serious?” I swear to Christ if that motherfucker walked in the door this very second, I’d beat him to a bloody pulp. “You have a very rare whole weekend off, and he wouldn’t let you and your parents take the girls for a little well-deserved vacation? And on top of that, he’s still not going to see them until late Saturday evening?”