I brought Ernst’s picture from the kitchen and put it on the table, right next to my son, who slept peacefully. I wondered if Ernst was looking at our picture before going to sleep, and had to fight another anxiety attack. I locked myself in the bathroom like so many times before, cried for another fifteen minutes there, washed my face and went to the bedroom, to curl up in my husband’s arms until I’d lose myself in yet another nightmare.
Chapter 15
May, 1946
I was thoughtlessly applying long forgotten make-up in front of the bathroom mirror. It was Ernie’s first birthday, and we had decided to throw a big party for him according to the Jewish tradition. My hair had grown long again, not as long as it used to be, but at least I could curl it now. Ursula made me go shopping with her several days prior to the celebration and made sure that I bought new bright dresses for the summer.
Preparing for Ernie’s birthday party, ordering a cake, food, decorations, and Ursula with her bubbly mood were a much needed distraction for me. Ernst’s case hearing finished about two weeks ago, and I didn’t have to stay up all night anymore listening to more and more charges brought up against him. Now the tribunal had to hear the rest of the 23 defendants’ cases and then would come up with their decision concerning each one’s fate. I didn’t have anything else to do but wait and pray.
“You look very beautiful today.”
I caught Heinrich’s smile reflecting in the mirror and smiled back.
“Thank you, darling. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a mess lately, I promise I’ll look like this every day from now on. Or you’ll soon be ashamed to go outside with me.”
“I will never be ashamed of you,” he reassured me, hugging my waist and kissing me on the cheek. “I have the most beautiful wife in the whole of New York, who even without make-up and a hairdo looks better than any Hollywood movie star on their best day.”
I turned around and kissed him on the lips. He deserved a beautiful wife, my husband, he deserved all the best things in the world after all he did for so many people in Germany and after all he did for me. I would never be able to repay my debt before him. He forgave my infidelity, he was raising my lover’s son as his own, and there wasn’t a single time when he’d reproach me for staying up late just to hear that lover’s voice again.
He understood everything, he always did. Our relationship, which would seem quite abnormal and illogical to any curious outsider, was merely a result of a twisted game we were playing for so long in the land of terror under the constant control of the Gestapo. We were a team, a very small team playing against the huge Nazi machine, which would mangle us after only one dangerous move. But we still beat all the odds, we risked our lives together, we helped each other out and stood by each other’s side when we had to.
And when Ernst came into the picture, well, we still stood together, just because we wouldn’t survive alone, and that’s how the two of us became three. As things were heading to the end, Heinrich probably knew by then how deeply and dearly I loved Ernst, more than even him, I admitted to myself one sleepless night when I was crying my eyes out about my lost forever love, and the fact that I stayed with him, my husband, was even of more value to him. He knew what I was going through now and was trying to be that silent support I needed.
“You should have gone with him then,” Heinrich told me right after he came back from Nuremberg. “You two love each other so…”
“I wouldn’t leave you, you’re my husband.”
“You shouldn’t have stayed with me out of a sense of duty,” he said softly. “Look at what you’re doing to yourself now. Look at what you did to him.”
“Please, don’t make me feel guiltier than I already do,” I burst into tears again, feeling absolutely miserable and hating myself for hurting both men I loved. But he was right, my Heinrich, I should have hurt one and saved the other when I still had a chance. Now it was too late. Now I would try my best to make up for all the pain I caused my husband and be the best wife he could only wish for, even though it meant faking smiles through the tears.
“Do you like this dress, or do you want me to wear that blue one you like?” I tried to smile as brightly as I could.
“This one is very pretty too. I like all your dresses.” Heinrich affectionately tucked the hair behind my ear.
“Have you seen that little baby suit I got for Ernie yet?”
“I saw it, but not on him.”
“Oh, he looks so adorable in it! I’m going to dress him now, you have to see it!”
“I can’t wait.”
Ten minutes later Heinrich was already taking pictures of me holding Ernie, who was all dressed up and smiling. With the events of the past few months I was far from being in the mood to pose for photos, and was now feeling guilty because I wanted Ernie to have photos of every stage of him growing up. And he was such a cute little boy with his big doe eyes, it was a shame not to take his pictures every single day.
My parents and Grandmother arrived soon carrying several gift boxes and immediately stole my son from my arms. Even little Greta got her share of presents so as to not feel isolated from the celebration. She right away took both new dolls under the table and got herself busy, while Ursula and I were bringing the food from the kitchen.
Right before we all sat down, agent Foster arrived with his wife and all four sons. Heinrich and he had the most trusting working relationship, which soon got transformed into true friendship; I liked agent Foster as well, and didn’t mind at all when Heinrich told me that he invited the Fosters to Ernie’s birthday party. Ernie remained the center of attention for the rest of the day and couldn’t be happier to be kissed all over and passed by from hands to hands to get the new portion of affection and all kinds of treats. But when in the end we brought in his very first cake, the boy’s ecstasy reached its apogee. Heinrich and I helped him blow out the candles, and after Ernie had the first piece, he finally nodded off right in Heinrich’s arms.
Ernie didn’t even wake up when I was undressing him in his bed after the guests left. He just turned to the side, put a thumb in his mouth – a habit I couldn’t get rid of – and kept breathing softly. I kissed him on the temple, tucked in his blanket and picked up Ernst’s photo from the table.
“Our son is one today, can you imagine?” I said quietly, slightly stroking the familiar features with my index finger. “He’s like you in so, so many ways. I would love you to meet him one day… You would be so proud of him. He’s such a smart little boy, and everybody loves him so… Ernst, dear, just please don’t leave us, I’m begging you.”
I pressed the cold glass to my lips fighting the tears back, hoping that he would somehow hear me, in his cold cell, on the other end of the world.
_______________
October 1, 1946
After almost a year of the world’s first unprecedented trial regarding Nazi Germany, the International Military Tribunal was announcing personal sentences for the 23 defendants. During the final statements for the prosecution read in July, Ernst was held directly responsible for mass murder of civilians of occupied countries by Einsatzgruppen; screening of prisoners of war and executing racial and political undesirables; establishing concentration camps and committing racial and political undesirables to concentration camps for slave labor and mass murder; the execution and confinement of people in concentration camps for crimes allegedly committed by their relatives; seizure and destruction of public and private property; murder of prisoners in SD prisons; persecution of Jews; persecution of churches and religions; persecution of gypsies…
The list the prosecution was reading seemed to never end, and with every new charge the last tiny hope I had for Ernst to at least escape the capital punishment was getting thinner and thinner. I don’t know what I was still hoping for tonight, frozen on the edge of my chair, with my ice cold hands clasped together, not able to even swallow because my mouth was too dry from the anxiety.
The prosecution finally addressed Ernst.<
br />
“The defendant Ernst Kaltenbrunner, indictment one – not guilty; found guilty on the indictments three and four. Sentence – death by hanging.”
He went on reading out the rest of the sentences, but I didn’t hear anything anymore. The world had ended for me that moment, and, feeling like it was me who was just sentenced to death, I dropped my head in my hands and wept. Sitting next to me Heinrich rushed to console me, but there was nothing he could do. They were going to kill my Erni, take him away from me forever, for the crimes which weren’t even committed by him, but by his superiors, who were either long gone or dead.
The war had ended a long time ago, and they all were promising me that all the danger and sufferings were left behind, that everything would be fine now, that the new, hopeful life would be much better than the old one, and now they were going to kill the man who I loved more than life itself. It is never going to end, I screamed inside my mind, but couldn’t squeeze a word out of myself. I wanted to die right there and then.
_______________
I was mindlessly washing the dishes, just going through motions without paying any attention to what I was doing, like most of the time these days. Baby Ernst was playing on the blanket I spread out for him next to me. I was so preoccupied with my unhappy thoughts that I didn’t hear the doorbell ring for the first time. When I finally paid attention to the distracting noise coming what it seemed like from the other world, I wiped my hands on my apron and went to open the door.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Rosenberg,” agent Foster greeted me with a nod. “May I come in for a minute? It’s important.”
“Yes, of course.” I stepped aside letting my unexpected guest in. “Hermann is at work though…”
“I know. I came to see you.”
Ernie, who never liked any intruders speaking to his mommy without his supervision, ran into the hallway and immediately grabbed my leg. I lifted him on my arms.
“We have a guest, Ernie. What do we say to our guests?”
“Hello.”
I smiled and kissed him on his softer than feather cheek. He remembered agent Foster from many visits he paid to us; to the new people who he didn’t like instead of ‘hello’ he’d normally say ‘go away.’
“Hello, young man.” Agent Foster smiled warmly at the boy and shifted his eyes back to me. “Mrs. Rosenberg, the reason why I’m here is quite delicate…”
“You can talk in front of my son. Would you like some coffee maybe? Or tea?”
“No, thank you, it will only take a minute.”
He shifted from one leg to another as if gathering his thoughts. Very unusual for the intelligence agent. Was he nervous? I frowned.
“Mrs. Rosenberg, as you know the International Military Tribunal convicted Mr. Kaltenbrunner in war crimes, and, well…”
“Is he dead?” I asked right away, instinctively clasping my arms around my son.
“No, no.” Agent Foster shook his head and smiled, but just for a moment. I started breathing again. “But since he… you understand that in the nearest future… well, his last wish was to see you and his son. The Military Tribunal wouldn’t allow it of course, but I pulled some strings for the sake of our old friendship. I thought that you might want to go see him.”
“Might? Of course I want to see him! I’ve been begging everybody to see him for the past year and a half!”
“Alright then. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven a.m., and we’ll go to the airport. I’ll be escorting you all the way to Germany and back.”
I nodded, hardly containing my excitement.
“Don’t take too many things with you, we’ll only spend several hours in Nuremberg. Just take all you need for the boy. And your documents, of course.”
“Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.”
Holding Ernie on one arm, I extended my hand to the agent. He shook it gently, and left. I couldn’t believe that they allowed me to see him again, even if for the last time. I closed my eyes and bit my lip painfully. Don’t cry in front of your son, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry…
_______________
I couldn’t believe that I stepped on the German ground once more. It seemed too familiar and too surreal at the same time, and I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that I was about to wake up any minute to find myself in my bed, in my New York apartment, with Heinrich by my side. But Heinrich wasn’t allowed to come, just me and Ernie. I shifted the sleeping boy in my arms and followed agent Foster into the car.
I don’t even remember how long it took us to get to the prison where the occupying allies kept the highest ranking prisoners of war; all I could think of was that I was about to see him again, him, my Erni, my love, my life, my angel…
“Are you okay?” Agent Foster handed me a handkerchief with a concerned look.
I nodded and quickly wiped the tears. The Americans and their okay. How can I possibly be okay? You are going to kill the man who I love more than anything in the world, no, I’m not okay!!! I wanted to scream at him. It wasn’t his fault of course, he meant well, he got me this last visit after all. I started crying again.
“Mrs. Rosenberg, if you don’t feel up to it, maybe we shouldn’t go at all…”
“No, I’m fine.” I took a deep breath trying to regain my composure. “Of course we’ll go. I won’t cry anymore, I promise.”
In prison I was checked by a female MP Officer with borderline ridiculous thoroughness. But when she started to check my son’s clothes, I almost went into a rage fit.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
“You could have placed poison in the baby’s clothes,” she answered, unfazed.
“Are you mad?!” I completely exploded. “So he would accidentally find and swallow it?!”
“You, Nazis, have already proved that anything can be expected from you. The Goebbels family poisoned their own children. What makes you different? I don’t know if you’re planning to commit mass suicide together with your… whatever you two are to each other. My duty is to prevent it.”
“I’m not a Nazi and have never been!!! I hated them more than all of you did!”
“And that’s why you had a baby with the war criminal?”
“Enough!” I yanked baby Ernst from her hands and fixed his clothes.
“I’m done anyway.” She shrugged indifferently. “You can go.”
When I walked back to the room where agent Foster was waiting for me, my nerves were tighter than a guitar’s string that was about to rip. I was longing for and dreading this meeting for so long, and now I didn’t know what to expect from it. I was both terrified and excited, I wished that agent Foster and the two MP Officers escorting us walked faster, and I wanted them to slow down because I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle myself when I’d see him.
I was a little relieved to see that the room they walked me into was empty; I was given another chance to put myself together. The two MP Officers took their positions next to the opposite walls. They were going to be present the whole time, and I was ready for that. Of course they’d never leave us alone: what if we, ‘insane Nazis,’ really decide to leave this world together and strangle each other and our son… Do they even hear themselves when they say something like that?
I sat on one of the two chairs separated by the table because I didn’t feel too steady on my feet. I had to slow my breathing down too, I was hyperventilating again. Baby Ernst was holding me by the neck and looking at me very seriously, without blinking, as if trying to understand what was going on with his mommy. I managed a smile.
“You’re going to see your Papa, Ernie.”
“Papa,” he repeated firmly and then looked at me inquisitively. He got used to me showing him his father’s picture after I’d say ‘Papa,’ but this time there was no picture.
“Just one more minute, baby.”
I started brushing his soft hair to one side with my hand when the door to the room opened once again, and the MP Officer walked in with Ernst hand
cuffed to his hand. I jumped to my feet and then froze again; my heart stopped too, all of a sudden refusing to pump any more blood into my ice cold extremities. For several seconds during which the MP Officer was taking the handcuffs off Ernst’s wrist, I couldn’t bring myself to take another breath. And then he gave me one of his grins, and brought me back to life.
I rushed to him almost pushing the MP Officer out of my way; I grabbed him with one hand by the neck and started covering his face with kisses, crying hysterically and laughing at the same time. And then just crying, because it was all my fault, it was because of me that he was here now, I did it to him, and now he was going to die.
“Stop it, stop, sweetheart.” He was stroking my hair, pressing me close to his chest; he was trying to console me even though he was crying himself. “Look what you did, you made your son cry.”
I knew I did. Baby Ernie, frightened by the unfamiliar situation, people around us and his mommy weeping uncontrollably, started screaming loudly as well. In between the hysterical sobs, which I desperately tried to stop, I handed Ernst his son, who he was finally able to hold in his arms, for the first and the last time in his life. My hands were shaking.
“Noooo, don’t cry!” Ernst quickly wiped his own tears and smiled at his son. “You’re a big boy, big boys don’t cry! I know, it’s all your silly Mama, she scared you, didn’t she? But you still can’t cry, or your nose is going to fall off. Look!”
Ernst brought his hand close to the boy’s face and then put his thumb in between two fingers, making believe that it was little Ernie’s nose. The trick worked, and the boy stopped crying trying to understand what just happened. Meanwhile his father brought the thumb between two fingers close to Ernie’s face again as if putting his ‘nose’ back in place, and slightly tapped him on it.
The Girl from Berlin: War Criminal's Widow Page 22