I am not the only one who has noticed the secrets his eyes reveal. Others have seen the way he looks at me; they say he is in love.
This scares me.
It too makes my soul tremble.
Not of fear, but with a feeling I am not yet able to define.
However, the definition itself is all in his eyes.
I looked at this last penned release and read it back silently to myself. I was as lost now as I was before. But I felt better somehow. I felt like I had finally admitted the secret of my own infatuation with David to someone. Perhaps later, I could share it with Elisabeth. I had already admitted to her I might consider getting to know him better. I felt a pang of sadness at the thought of her again.
I had been so mad, and we had acted so badly to one another. I had to fix that. I’d talk to her later. Maybe explain I appreciated her desire to protect me, but I had felt bullied and intimidated by her show of domination in the kitchen, then her show of physical power and strength when she had kicked open my bedroom door. I resented it.
A half hour later, I was back in my car and driving straight home to get ready for work.
“See, Liz. I can listen to you when it matters,” I said to my empty car. “I’m going straight home.”
I wasn’t as upset with her now. I was concerned I had hurt her too with my harsh words and my own display of anger. I was dreading the fact we might end up doing it all over again if my buttons kept getting pushed.
Oh, gosh. I had shoved her too. Shame welled up and I moaned.
I had nearly driven straight to the house when I snapped out of my autopilot and started looking around, driving slowly but not too slowly around the block a couple times as Elisabeth had advised me. I didn’t see anything unusual or anyone I didn’t know. For the most part, the same neighborhood cars were parked right where they always were, and the only people on sidewalks were the stay-at-home moms out in small packs for their afternoon jogs or walks with their strollers.
I finally made it into my garage and put the door down behind me before I shut off the engine and got out of my car. I went in, locking the door behind me, and went straight up to my room to get ready for work.
“Oh, that was stupid, Melanie,” I rebuked myself.
I realized I had forgotten to set the house alarm during my angry rush to get to class this morning. Well, no wonder I hadn’t heard the long beep of the alarm as I had reentered.
I suck at protective duty. Even my own. Now that is just sad.
I stood quietly for a moment and listened to the sounds of the house. Nothing out the ordinary. My kitty, Dexter, was asleep on my pillow, his usual perching place for his afternoon naps. The puttering start of his loud slumbering purr told me he was aware of my presence and was glad I was home.
The heater kicked on, and I heard the rush of hot air as it stormed its way through the cold house vents. I looked disapprovingly at my broken bedroom door and shook my head. This was going to be inconvenient. Not just for privacy but for sleeping. How was I going to be able to fall asleep knowing my room didn’t even have a door to hold off the bad guys?
I laughed humorlessly to myself as I realized it hadn’t been much help with keeping Elisabeth out. Yes, yes, she was trained in martial arts and knew how to kick to exert an unnatural amount of force and power throughout her body, but insane people high on drugs could do that too.
“That’s just great, Melanie. Now you feel really safe,” I grumbled.
My cell phone rang, and I fished it out of my pocket.
“David,” I read the caller ID and cringed.
I hit the Busy Signal button, and the phone stopped ringing instantly. I began to pull off my sweatshirt and my tennis shoes, then thought better of it. I’d need those on to protect my feet, so I could clean up the glass and wood still lying around my room.
I jogged downstairs and grabbed the vacuum cleaner and then went to the cabinet to grab a new energy-efficient light bulb. I was halfway back up the stairs when I heard the house phone ring. I ignored it and continued to the awaiting disaster, which was my room.
Almost an hour later, my room was nearly perfect again. Well, everything except not having a door. I had removed what was left of it and put the wood outside in the backyard. I had used some duct tape to hold down the jagged edges of the wood along the door frame in my room so I wouldn’t snag my clothes or cut myself as I walked by. I had a tendency to not watch where I was going and bump into things. I could just see myself scraping the heck out of hips and my swinging arms. Oh yes, that’d be something I would do.
My house phone rang again.
“Holy crap!” I yelled to the empty house. “Will you leave me alone! Grrr,” I yelled at who I assumed was David as if he could hear me.
I ignored the aggravating ring and started taking off my shoes. I glanced around the floor again to make sure I hadn’t missed any glass before I slipped my feet out and padded over to my closet to get out my pink Mary Janes, gray slacks, and the overly feminine, pink silk blouse with puffed sleeves and laced oval collar, which completed my restaurant uniform. I hated my work uniform.
I do not feel like dressing like a prissy girl today!
My cell phone gave a garbled ring, and it vibrated violently in my pocket. Sheesh, I forgot the Busy Signal also put the phone on vibrate.
Exhausted and irritated David was now attempting to call me for the fourth time, I reached into my pocket and let out the air I had pulled into my lungs in preparation to yell at him.
“Oh, it’s Liz,” I breathed, feeling the fury at David drain from me and anxiety take its place.
My phone rang again, and I rapidly flipped the phone open to answer it.
“Hi, Liz,” I said as friendly as I could. I was feeling bad about how I had treated her and shame was wiggling its way up into my gut along with it.
“Hello, Melanie.” There was a little hesitation in her voice, and she sounded a little unsure.
“I’m not mad anymore, Liz. I’m actually kind of ashamed of myself,” I admitted to her.
“You are?” she asked me, sounding a bit confused yet relieved I wasn’t mad.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I reacted that way to you. I sort of lost it for a moment there. Okay, for a long moment…like most the day.”
“Thanks for saying that, Mel. Actually, I was calling to tell you I was sorry. I feel like a sack of shit for scaring you the way I did.”
Liz just cussed while referring to herself? Wow, she must really feel bad.
I stayed silent.
“At the time, it felt like I didn’t have a choice. It seemed like the only way to make you listen to me. Maybe it’s wrong to try to make you do anything at all, but I had to try. This really is a matter of life or death…at least it could be. Can you understand that, Melanie?” she asked, her voice quiet but holding no doubts.
“I do. I do understand. It’s why Dexter and I aren’t packed up and out of here already,” I said before I thought about filtering it.
Ah, did I just say that out loud?
“I mean, I felt like it after you left,” I added tentatively. Oh well, might as well get it all out there. “In fact, I wanted nothing more than to never see you again. I’ve never felt that way about you before, Liz. I don’t like it, not one bit.”
“I’m sorry I pushed you to that point,” she apologized, her voice carrying real hurt and regret.
“I wanted to tell you how I was feeling, so you’d know. I think you should always know how I feel. You’re the only person I trust to be so honest with, Elisabeth. I don’t want to ever change that about our friendship. And I no longer feel like I don’t want to see you anymore, okay?”
“I’m glad you still want to be open with me after how I came at you. It wasn’t because I wanted to, Mel. I’d never hurt you, and I’d never try to threaten you. I had to make sure you understood even if you hated me for it.”
“I don’t hate you for it. I don’t hate anything about you,” I said, meaning it w
ith all my heart. “I even listened to your…advice,” I added, trying to lighten my voice. “I only went to my classes, and then, I came straight home to get ready for work. I finished cleaning up my room first though,” I said, looking around satisfied at my clean-up job.
“Ooh.” I could almost see Elisabeth’s face screwed up in embarrassment.
“Sorry about your door and the door frame. I’ll get someone out to replace it as soon as I can get some time off,” she offered.
“Oh, well, I have this coming Saturday off for once. I can be here,” I said, trying to be helpful even though I knew what she would say given her protective nature.
“Hmm. I don’t think we can wait until Saturday when you’re off. We should get you a working door as soon as we can. And I want to make sure I’m home when they come. You know, maybe I can cancel my Wednesday morning class and give everyone a reading assignment,” she said, logic and forethought recognizable in her voice.
“I’m going to get you an extra strong one this time. One not even I can break through.” Elisabeth sounded completely ashamed and embarrassed.
I knew what she was going to say next before she even said it.
“God, Melanie. I am truly sorry. I can’t believe I broke your door! You must think I’m evil. Oh, God,” she said gravely.
“You’re not evil! I know what true evil looks like. Let’s try to get past this. We can talk about it later if you want. Maybe a good hug and cry would do us both some good,” I offered, trying to reassure her.
I smiled slightly to myself at knowing her so well. See, how could I ever hate her? She truly cared about me. And now it seemed like someone else might too. David’s handsome face and brilliant, dimpled smile came floating up in my mind.
As if on cue, the house phone rang again and nearly made me drop my cell phone.
“Crap!” I said startled.
“Who’s calling the house?” Elisabeth asked interestedly, pulled back from her solemn mood by the invasive ringing.
“Probably just David again,” I said, annoyed.
“Why? How many times has he called you?” she asked, her interest thickening.
“About three times so far since I’ve been home. It’s like he waited for me to get home before he decided it was safe to pester me again. I thought your call was him actually and was about to rip him a new one, but then I saw it was you,” I said with a little laugh of irritation.
“Well, in that case, I’m glad I’m not David.” She laughed. “Why is he trying so desperately to get ahold of you anyway?”
I told her about his proclamation to the class and how embarrassed I was. I explained that the professor had to come to our desks and hovered like some alien space ship before I could pull my eyes off David because he wouldn’t shut up!
Elisabeth laughed at my description of my professor’s final interruption, then asked me, “Do you feel drawn to David?”
“Huh?” I asked, surprised at her intuitive leap.
“Well, you said you couldn’t pull your eyes from him. So, do you think about him all the time when you’re not with him too? Do you feel flutters in your stomach when you see him? Does he make you feel exposed and vulnerable?” she asked in her most professional businesslike tone.
“Now, Elisabeth. I know when you’ve caught a scent, but your nose is way off on this one,” I said dismissively.
“I see. And I know you, Melanie Olivia Bishop. Come on. Answer the question,” she crooned.
“Fine. Yes. Are you happy now? Yes! I like David. There, I said it! He makes me squirm and my blood rush through my body like liquid fire, and he makes my heart skip a beat or two when I’m near him. He makes me forget to breathe when he looks at me with those gorgeous brown eyes. And sometimes I can even image myself being held tight against his rock-solid body while he passionately kisses me. I feel myself grow weak at the thought of it. Is that what you wanted to know?” I said sarcastically, though every word of it was the truth.
Why are the confessions just popping out today?
“Is that all?” Elisabeth asked with a pleased chuckle.
“No, no, it isn’t. If I’m being honest, I even enjoy the sound of his voice and the smell of his musky manliness. Happy now?” I said, again sarcastically.
Surprisingly, it felt extremely good to admit this all out loud even if I had said it sarcastically to try and dispel her from taking it too seriously. And saying it out loud to a real person and not my notebook was an unexpected relief. A nervous giggle burst out of me, and I rapidly covered my mouth with my free hand to shut myself up.
Elisabeth was laughing on the other end of the phone and finally managed to say, “Yes, that does make me happy to hear. I’m so glad you finally admitted it! God, you’ve been pining over him for over a year now, Melanie.” She laughed again.
“I have not!” I said indignantly.
“Oh, no? The last time I had to wake you up because your alarm clock was broken, again,” she said jestingly, “you were saying his name in your sleep. I waited about two minutes before I woke you up to see what else you’d say.” Elisabeth broke off in a roar of laughter.
“You what!” I shrieked, horrified.
Oh. My. God. What had she heard?
In response to my panic, Elisabeth said, “Don’t worry. You didn’t sound all breathy or anything. You said his name and then asked him why he likes you. You mumbled something about couldn’t grow a decent set. And then you rolled over with a look of frustration on your face. Then, you told him to just shut up and kiss you.”
“I don’t remember dreaming about David,” I lied.
“Sure, you don’t,” she teased.
“I think I’m going to hang up now, Liz. I’ve got to get ready for work,” I grumbled.
“Don’t worry, Mel. Your secret’s safe with me. And for what it’s worth, I approve of David. But if you want me to threaten him, I can do that for you too,” she said happily.
“Gee, Liz, you sure know how to make a girl feel special,” I jeered back.
“I’ll see you later, okay? What time do you get off of work tonight?” she asked.
“I’m closing, so I won’t be home until around eleven o’clock tonight.”
“Okay. Hey, maybe Brad and I can stop in for dinner unless he has something else planned. I promise to be nice to David. I won’t even tease him about his major screwup today or anything,” she said. I could see her holding up her hand in a Girl Scout salute.
“Sure, come on over. And I’ll hold you to that. Oh, maybe some young punk will chuck his mac and cheese at you this time instead. Bye, Liz.” I laughed at my own visual.
Elisabeth laughed and responded with, “Hey! That’s not nice. But I’ll be sure to bring an extra pair of clothes then, just in case. See you soon. Don’t forget to be careful leaving the house. Especially now it’s getting darker out so early.”
“I know. I’ll be careful. Thanks,” I said.
I hung up my phone and headed downstairs to listen to the voicemail David had left. He hadn’t left one on my cell phone voicemail, so he probably left one there instead unless he was too embarrassed now that his temporary moment of insanity had passed.
Maybe he was rethinking things about me. Part of me hoped so. It’d make everything so much easier. And yet, there was a big part of me hoping he wouldn’t give up on me. And if I was being honest, I liked the attention he gave me. It made me feel special somehow. It’s just that I wasn’t quite ready to embark on an adventurous relationship without preparing myself for the journey.
“A little more time. I just need a little more time,” I said to an absent David and headed downstairs to listen to his message.
Picture’s Worth
Chapter Six
I drove to work cautiously. I’d almost called in sick after listening to the message on the answering machine downstairs. It hadn’t been at all what I had expected. In fact, it had been the last thing I had expected.
My sweaty hands shook on the stee
ring wheel, and I gripped it hard until my knuckles turned white, and I couldn’t feel them anymore. I had to unclench my jaw and force myself to stop grinding my teeth more than once on the fifteen-minute drive to work as I fought to stay in control and not completely fall apart.
How? I didn’t understand how this had happened. What had I done to ever give him the impression I’d welcome a call like that? Hadn’t he done enough already?
I pulled into my usual space behind Kate’s Café and stared at the back door of the restaurant. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly and repeated the well-practiced routine a few more times. I would not freak out. I was in control.
Okay, I could do this. I had to do this, if only for my own sanity and to prove to myself that no man had the power to make me feel ashamed, afraid or anything I didn’t want to feel.
In a micro-moment of decision, I snatched up my server apron from the front passenger seat and got out of my car and walked quickly to the back door. I tied the apron tight around my waist as I rang the backdoor buzzer and waited for one of the cooks to let me inside.
A few buzzes later, the big metal door opened with a rusty screech, and my boss, Frank Gable, stood in the doorway, his chef’s jacket unbuttoned down to his overgrown belly. His undershirt, that thankfully covered most of his chest hair from sight, was a dirty, blotchy, off-white and nearly gray in color here and there from either lack of washing or numerous unattended spills.
“Ah, if it isn’t my little Katherine mini-she,” Frank said in greeting as he scratched his protruding stomach. His New Orleans accent sounded heavier today.
“Hey ya, Frank,” I mumbled as I slid past him, careful not to bump into his gut.
The door boomed shut behind me, and I heard George calling Frank from the kitchen within.
“Frank! I need those frozen fish sticks man. Enough for four kids!” George’s thick smoker’s voice rasped out.
“Hold your water, boy! I’m comin’.” Frank rounded on him.
“You’d think I promoted him to master chef just letting him out from behind the dish washer’s station once in a while like this,” Frank complained as he came up next to me from shutting the back door.
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