Just Me

by L. A. Fiore

  This year it was going to be bittersweet for me though, because it was Bastian and my first Christmas together…apart.

  He was supposed to have come home, but there was a change of plans and the crew was asked to stay on over the holidays. They were being paid triple time, which was great, but I couldn't deny I wanted him home with me.

  It was the day of the annual Wrights' Christmas tree extravaganza, an affair I never missed. The entrance hall of the Wrights’ house was huge, three stories high, which meant that every year they purchased the biggest tree known to humankind. It was so big that special tree people had to come in to set it up in a cartoonishly large tree stand. The tree was even wired to the wall, once all the decorations were on, so it didn't fall over. After the tree was decorated, it was tradition to spend the rest of the night drinking hot chocolate, eating cookies and watching Christmas movies.

  The day was simple, even a bit childish, but the closeness I felt to others—the welcome and acceptance—really made it special. Bastian grew up as neglected as me, so I knew that the perfect simplicity of the day would have meant to him what it did to me, but it wasn't to be this year.

  I was in the living room testing the lights as the only one who had the patience to unknot the strands. Poppy, Sophia and Caden were in the kitchen whipping up the cookies for later and the Wrights were helping the tree guys. Shawn was coming, which I was happy about. Poppy and he hadn't officially broken up, but it was coming. Regardless, he was part of this tradition too. The doorbell rang.

  “Can you get that, Lark?” Dr. Wright called to me.

  “Sure.”

  I untangled myself from the light mess I had created and went into the foyer where the scent of pine filled the hall. It smelled so good. I thought as I reached for the door and pulled it open. It took me a minute to react since I wasn't quite sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. Bastian smiled in that way of his and that was all it took for my body to react without needing any help from my head. I threw myself into his arms. “Bastian!”

  “Surprise beautiful.”

  “I've missed you.”

  He buried his face in my hair. “Understatement.”

  “You told me you had to work.”

  “I lied.”

  “I'm so happy to see you that I'll let you live.”

  “Well, let the boy in, Lark,” Dr. Wright said from behind me. I reluctantly pulled away from Bastian and turned to her. “You knew?” I was incredulous.

  “Of course I knew. Hello, Bastian. You made good time.”

  He threw me a grin before moving past me to hug Dr. Wright. “I was in a bit of a hurry,” he said as he looked back at me. My heart rolled over in my chest. This just officially became my very favorite Christmas ever.

  “You can help me with the lights,” I volunteered as I reached for Bastian. I looked over at Dr. Wright. “Thank you.”

  “It wouldn't be Christmas without him,” she said.

  As soon as we were out of sight, Bastian pulled me into his arms and fused his mouth to mine. Pressing myself against him, I gave back as good as I was getting. Poppy's voice jarred us out of our reunion.

  “Hi, Bastian.”

  He kept his one arm firmly around my waist and turned to Poppy. “Hi.”

  Sophia was chewing on a cookie. “Hey Bastian.”

  Caden walked in then. “Took you long enough, man.”

  “Everyone knew?” I was outraged.

  “Of course we all knew, silly girl.” Poppy teased before she started toward the boxes of ornaments. “They're done getting the tree up, so let's have at it.”

  ***

  That night, after everyone went to bed, Bastian and I sat on the floor in the foyer and looked up at the twinkling lights.

  “I can't tell you how happy I am that you're here. You are the best Christmas present ever.”

  “I was always coming, Lark.” He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, “I do actually have a present for you, but it's going to be a belated one.”

  “Really? Want to give me a hint?”

  “No.”

  “Just a little one?”

  He rested back on his hands and shook his head. “Not even a little one.”

  “Fine, be that way.”

  He moved with astounding speed and pulled me across his lap. “So let's talk about my present,” he cooed.

  “I got you the first five seasons of Downton Abbey.”

  “No you didn't.”

  “You're right. I only got you the first season.”

  “Lark.”

  Grinning, I reached under the tree for a small package wrapped in silver. “Here.”

  He looked like a little boy, his eyes all wide with wonder, as he slowly unwrapped the package. His fingers weren't quite steady when he lifted the lid to the box. Inside was a framed sketch I had done of us, sitting in the living room of the apartment. It took me a while because I had trouble sketching myself, but I was thrilled with how it turned out. He met my gaze and for a moment we just looked our fill. “It's beautiful, Lark.”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  He leaned over and touched his lips to mine. “Merry Christmas.”

  ***

  With the coming of the new year, I spent a lot of time doubling up on assignments since I'd be taking my exams a few months before everyone else—like Bastian, though it didn't come as easily for me as it apparently had for him. I missed him constantly. Even though our week together gave me many more memories for my happy place.

  My brain was on overload, feeling much like a ticking time bomb. Genuine gratitude filled me for the reprieve offered when I looked up from my homework to see Poppy standing in my doorway. My mouth opened to offer a witty remark, but one glance and I knew that she and Shawn had officially called it quits.

  “Poppy.”

  “I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “He cried. I've never seen Shawn cry.”

  The flood gates opened then and I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do but offer her comfort, which I did and pulled her close. It took a bit for her sobs to subside. She seemed embarrassed since she jerked away from me and refused to look in my direction.

  “Poppy, talk to me.”

  Her red-rimmed eyes met mine from across the room. “Did I make a mistake?”

  “Did you make a mistake or do I think you made a mistake? You're the best judge of that, but don't confuse missing what's comfortable with making a mistake.”

  She rubbed her hands over her face. “I know you're right. It's been off, for both of us, but it hurts seeing his face and knowing that after everything, I hurt him.”

  “He'll move past it and I think you'll both find your way as friends because you started as friends.”

  “I hope you're right.”

  “Time will tell, but I think I am.”

  Sadness still marred her expression, so I sought to take her mind from it. “I think ice cream is in order. Let's go raid the freezer.”

  “Brilliant idea.”

  We had only reached the stairs when Poppy gave me a quick hug from the side. “Thanks for listening.”

  “Always.”

  ***

  From my spot against the wall, I’d been watching Poppy and Caden at this post-Valentine’s Day party and maybe it was just my imagination, but things looked intense between them. I wasn't sure what fueled it, but I definitely planned on talking with Poppy about it later.

  Sophia was on the West Coast touring Berkley, the school she hoped to attend in the fall. Normally exuberant, she'd been practically bouncing off the walls with excitement over the trip. My fingers were crossed that she'd get in, she was currently on the wait-list, because I knew how much she wanted to go there.

  The party was packed, but I just couldn't seem to get myself in the mood to party. What was the point? Instead of Bastian and I sharing our senior year together, he was still hund
reds of miles away.

  My attention drifted to Mica, who stood near the door. Instead of her preferred party attire of a short skirt and tight blouse, she wore baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and it seemed as if she was looking for an excuse to escape. What was going on with her?

  I didn't realize that someone had come to stand next to me until I heard my name. “Hi Lark.”

  “Hey Brad.”

  “You don't look like you're enjoying this.” He said but his focus was across the room to where Poppy and Caden were. If Brad was interested in Poppy, the sight of her with Caden was likely going to force him to make his move or he might just lose the chance.

  Shifting my thoughts to his question, I answered honestly, “I'm really not. Can't get my head into it tonight.”

  “It's a little less crowded in the back. I think there's even a place to sit, so you don't have to stand here and hold up the wall.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I could sit but there was a part of me that wondered if he offered the quiet room so he could feel me out to see if he had a chance with Poppy. Not that I would discuss Poppy with him without talking to her first, but my heart went out to him. I tried to catch her eye to let her know what I was up to, but her focus was completely on Caden. I felt a bit bad for Brad because despite what was happening across the room, there was no denying the sparks between Poppy and Caden. I suspected Brad had already lost his chance.

  Brad had been right, the room wasn't just quiet, it was completely empty. Oh, heavenly sofa. A moment after I settled on it, Brad joined me. He rested his head back and said on a sigh, “This is so much better. I was starting to get a headache.”

  “It is loud out there,” I said almost absently.

  We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Brad turned more fully to me and asked, “What's going on with you and Bastian?”

  I wasn't expecting that and I couldn't deny the flash of apprehension that lit through me at the question. Trying to be as vague as possible, I said, “It's a long story, but we're still together.”

  “At the pep rally you had just started dating, right?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “And you're still together. That's cool, I've never had much luck with girls or dating anyway.”

  “Really?” Brad was not only cute, but he seemed like a really easy-going guy. “Maybe you just haven’t found the right one.”

  “Maybe.” He bounced his head lightly on the padded seat back, as if in thought. “You love him?”

  Discomfort moved through me talking about this with Brad, so I sought to change the subject.

  “What are you doing next year?” I asked.

  “Subject change. Too personal, I get it.” His stare unnerved me. It was the first time that I didn't feel completely at ease in his presence. “Is it true that he left school and is up north working?”

  Persistence was not always a favorable trait. “It's not that simple, but yeah.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Man, that has got to be hard on both of you.”

  “You have no idea.” My exhale felt more like a sigh.

  “Bastian must be one tough guy.”

  His comment struck a nerve with me, and caused a warning to prickle my spine. “What do you mean by that?”

  “To voluntarily stay away from you. I wouldn't have the willpower to do that.” He added.

  It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it that made me even more uneasy. Brad was my friend, he was Bastian's friend, but there was something about him tonight that felt off. My gut was telling me to seek out Poppy and Caden.

  “I think I'm going to call it a night. I'll see you at school.” I started to rise and noticed for the first time that the door was closed. Brad grabbed my arm and pulled me back down onto the sofa.

  “Where are you going? Stop playing coy, Lark.”

  Okay, it was no longer a prickling sensation, but alarm bells going off in my head. “Brad, I'm really tired. Please let go of my arm.”

  “This is fated, you and me. Did you know that?”

  “What?”

  He moved so quickly, pressing me into the sofa as his overly aroused body covered mine.

  “Get off me!” I shouted as I pushed at him. At first I thought he was teasing—completely inappropriately—but teasing all the same.

  “You're so hot. Just looking at you gets me hard. I can't tell you how many times I've jacked off thinking about getting in between your legs.”

  What was happening? My brain refused to process the horror of what Brad was doing because I couldn't believe he was actually doing it.

  He ground his hips painfully against my stomach. “Like the skirt, easy access,” he purred, causing bile to rise up my throat. This could not be happening. “It's cool, Lark. You've already spread them for Bastian, so there's no harm. He never even has to know.”

  Who was this monster disguised as a friend? Fear turned me into a crazy person as I struggled to push him off, but he was too strong. Then his mouth came down painfully on mine. He gripped my one arm and pulled so hard that he almost dislocated it. My cry of pain muffled by his punishing mouth. “Stop fighting it,” he hissed.

  Fear and confusion welled in me. I didn't understand the violence and anger that pulsed off him. And I couldn't make him stop, no matter how hard I tried. I attempted to appeal to the affable guy I thought I knew. “Please let me go, Brad. I don't want this and you're hurting me.”

  He actually laughed. “No way. I finally have you right where I want you. You're going to love every second of this.”

  He forced his leg between my thighs and pulled down his zipper. My scream was cut short by the pressure of his mouth. He bit my lips to demand silence. Bucking my hips, I hoped to throw him off balance, but that only made him laugh as he rubbed himself against me. I went completely still, closed my eyes and felt myself going to another place, so I wouldn't have to endure what was about to happen to me. Suddenly he was gone and when I opened my eyes, Caden stood over a now bleeding Brad sprawled out on the floor. And I saw other people standing just behind him. Shame filled me as I closed my eyes and started to cry.

  “You're okay. Oh my God! You are okay, Lark.” Poppy came from behind Caden and rushed to my side. My tears fell harder realizing that it could have been Poppy in here with Brad. She reached for her phone and called home. Something ugly moved through me, a thought I tried to shut down but one that took root anyway. Maybe I was more like my mom than I thought. Maybe I had asked for this somehow.

  “Thank God Mica came to find us,” Poppy said.

  “What?”

  “Mica heard someone scream and when she opened the door, she saw Brad on top of you, so she ran to find me.”

  Of all the people to save me, it was Mica—someone I never liked, but after this, I was willing to accept that I may have been wrong about her. She studied me from her spot near the door. There was sympathy in her expression, but I saw something else too, understanding. “Thank you.”

  She nodded in response before she turned and left the room.

  “Stay down, asshole.” Caden growled to Brad. He lowered to his haunches in front of me. I could tell from Caden’s dark expression that I looked like hell. “He didn't...” He curled his hands into fists as he tried to ask the question I knew he didn't want to hear the answer to.

  I was quick to answer since Caden looked ready to kill Brad and as much as the idea appealed to me, I didn't want Caden going to jail. “No, he didn't.”

  He peered over his shoulder to a nearly unconscious Brad and spat at him. “You get to fucking live, shithead.”

  There was a commotion at the door seconds before Mr. and Dr. Wright appeared. Right behind them were the police.

  I had never seen Mr. Wright in full lawyer mode but he was a force to be reckoned with. While Dr. Wright sat on my other side and held my hand, Mr. Wright took charge and within twenty minutes, statements had been taken and Brad was taken into
custody. The Wrights drove me to the hospital where I had to suffer through an exam which included having someone photograph my bruises and collecting DNA from under my fingernails. Shock had muddled my brain, but even when the shock subsided I knew clarity wouldn't follow. The boy in that room with me was not the Brad I had come to know. It was terrifying, the Jekyll and Hyde performance I had witnessed tonight.

  By the time we got back to the house, the shock had worn off a bit. But the horror of the evening began to sink in. Caden walked me to the sofa, Poppy wrapped a blanket around me and Mr. Wright pressed a glass into my hand. The smell confirmed that it was alcohol, but I downed it and the warmth that immediately filled me helped to push back the terror.

  “We need to call Bastian,” Caden said as he reached for his phone.

  “Please don't.” My answer immediately had all eyes on me.

  “Why not?” Caden asked.

  In truth, I felt dirty. Having a mother like I did, I couldn't move past the possibility that I had somehow brought on Brad's behavior. Dr. Wright must have been reading my mind. She said fiercely, “You did nothing wrong, Lark. Rape is about control, nothing more.”

  I heard her words and I knew I should call Bastian, but I couldn't help feeling that I had somehow asked for it. I didn't want Bastian to look at me and feel disgust or something worse.

  “There's nothing he can do and telling him now will only make him insane. Please, I'll tell him, just not tonight,” I said.