“Are ye sure about that? Ye only have twelve, against my six.”
“I am certain. Based on the rules previously outlined, as the dealer you have to take another card if you are on 16 or less. All the cards still remaining in the deck are face cards, which would cause me to go bust, and will therefore make you do the same.”
She stared at him, puzzled, before flipping over the four remaining cards in the deck. A jack, two queens and a king stared back at her. Caitlin whistled. “How did ye do that?”
“Do what?” Gargle asked.
“Know what cards were left.”
“I don’t understand? You told me the cards in the deck beforehand. It was simply a matter of recalling which cards had already been used.”
“Ye remembered every card that had been played?”
“Of course. Should I not be doing that?”
“No, that’s great! It’s better than great!”
Before he could ask what that meant, a chipped plate of food was slid before him. It was hard to tell what anything was or where one food item ended and another began. Everything was varying shades of brown, with a small island of white and yellow in the middle. Caitlin put the cards away, picked up a fork and tucked in. After two mouthfuls she said, “Don’t let it get cold, that will only make it worse. There isn’t a better hangover cure in town. Trust me, I’d know.”
Gargle reluctantly scooped up a forkful and popped it in his mouth. He braced for unpleasantness, but it was quite the opposite. It was warm, and salty, and surprisingly delicious. As he shovelled another mouthful in he said, “What’s that?” to the yellow-and-white food he had just consumed.
She laughed. “I know right, it’s hard to tell. It’s supposed to be a fried egg. Steve has a tendency to go a bit overboard with the frying, normally ye can use them as a frisbee, but these don’t look too bad today.”
It took a moment for the word ‘egg’ to process in his mind. The unborn offspring of an oviparous creature. He spat it out.
“Was there some shell in it? That’s kind of his trademark.”
“Are you aware this is the unborn offspring of another species?”
Caitlin shrugged. “It’s just an egg. Don’t tell me you’ve gone all hipster on me.”
“I do not wish to eat egg.”
“Suit yerself. Do ye mind if I eat it?” She didn’t wait for a response; she scooped the egg off his plate and onto hers.
What a truly barbaric place this was. These humans treated every other sentient being on this planet as their own personal picnic basket. He licked his lips to get rid of any leftover egg and finally tasted it. It was even more delicious than the brown stuff. What terrible luck! Having delicious unborn offspring couldn’t be good from an evolutionary perspective. That got him thinking. Did evolution even apply on this planet? He couldn’t assume things like that. Humans were certainly the dominant species, but there was no sign that they had earned that top spot. They were barely passable at pretty much everything. That must mean all the other creatures were even worse.
“Everything ok over there?” said Caitlin. “Ye look pretty deep in thought. Or is it the hangover?”
“I’m ok,” he said, before adding, “thank you for breakfast.”
“Least I could do. We should make this a regular thing, if ye can convince yer dad o’course. Speaking of that, how’s he doin?” Her face completely changed, flipping from playful to serious, if only for a moment.
Gargle swallowed his mouthful of food as he panicked. He barely knew the guy; what was he supposed to say? “He works a lot.”
“Still throwing himself into his job then.” She glanced away. “Is he dating anyone?”
“I have seen no signs of female interaction.”
She looked relieved and the playfulness returned. “What about ye? Is there a special girl? Or boy? Guess I shouldn’t discriminate in this day and age.”
“I am unsure. I don’t yet fully understand human females.”
Caitlin laughed, her voice echoing in the small space. “Ye might be the first man to ever admit that. Go on, ask away, I can help.”
This was a rare opportunity. A familial female that he could trust to give straightforward answers. He had so many questions. “What are females looking for in a mating partner?”
She blinked. “Wow, jumping right in I see. Well, for starters ye shouldn’t ever be calling anyone yer mating partner. Girls like to be treated right, ye know, wined and dined. Try not to rush it, if she thinks yer too keen that will only put her off. The less interested ye are, the better.”
“Your advice is to act disinterested? Then how do I discourage females that I am genuinely disinterested in?”
She ruffled his hair again. “At yer age I’m surprised there is such a thing.”
Gargle jumped at the sound of a phone ringing. Caitlin pulled it out of her bag, although it looked just like Josh’s communicator. She glanced at the screen and then declined the call. She looked back at Gargle. “Ye know what I think. This little stunt was a cry for help. Yer too stressed about yer exams, and ye didn’t know what to do with yerself. Why don’t we take the day off and go and blow off some steam?”
“Steam? What steam?”
“Enough talking. Finish yer breakfast and we’ll be on our way. First stop is the shops, so we can get rid of those hideous clothes.”
***
Josh opened his eyes to find himself in a strange place. It smelled like a hospital, with a pervading sense of clean. The ‘bed’ he was lying on was as comfortable as a concrete slab. He said, “Is anyone there?”
A familiar voice replied in his ear. “I’m here. Welcome back. I am glad you survived.”
“Glad I survived? What does that mean?”
“You lost a lot of fluids during the buzz bean crash. We are not used to solving physical problems on this planet, if a shell is defective or damaged we simply procure a new one. Obviously that was not an option, so we had to use some trial and error to determine the best course of action to heal you.”
“Is that why I am hooked up to so many things?” Josh said, looking at the variety of needles sticking out of his arms. It looked like he’d lost a fight with a hedgehog.
“Yes. We shall know better if it happens again, although I recommend staying away from buzz beans for a while.”
“Duly noted,” Josh said. He at least felt better, like he’d had a decent nights sleep. “How long was I out?”
“In your time? Just over 12 hours. Shift was here most of that time, but then she too needed to go and rest. She said something about how difficult it was to sleep on a bed.”
“Yeah, I will have to give her some pointers on comfort.” He slowly sat up and felt the various lines and cables running into him tighten. “Any chance you can do anything about these needles?”
With a hiss all the cables jumped out of his arm at once. It wasn’t painful, but it did make him jump. That’s when he noticed something else. “Where are my clothes?”
“Your uniform was soiled. It was sent for cleaning. It will be returned momentarily.”
He lay on the slab, completely naked, and found himself wondering how exactly he’d ended up in this situation. Was this really better than studying for his exams?
Yep. Still was.
He rubbed at his arms, feeling a slightly cool breeze, and said, “How was Shift? Was she mad about me not contacting her?”
“Initially yes, but she also demonstrated considerable concern for your wellbeing. Far greater than her role as your envoy requires.”
Josh changed the subject, before he started reading into things. “Did I miss anything while I was out?”
“Actually yes. As I feared, the Teacher made a request to the High Command that you be removed from the law school. He said that your progress has been below expectations, that you have little chance of catching up with the others and that you have difficulty following simple instructions.”
“Below expectations? I haven’t eve
n been here a day!”
“The duration of your failure is of little consequence. He does not wish to expend resources on you when there are other more promising candidates to focus on. This isn’t helped by your position at the bottom of the leaderboard. It wasn’t all bad however. Shift argued in your favour. She said that she saw potential in you, if you could learn to follow instructions. I also put forward my case, but it was difficult without being able to disclose your previous G.C. fight or your expertise with the unofficial controller. They also consider me biased, as I was the one to recommend you in the first place. My judgement is being questioned, a poor outcome for you is likely to be a poor outcome for me.”
“So what did High Command say?” Josh said, holding his breath.
”They agreed to give you one more chance, but you must prove that you can follow your assigned tasks.”
“That sounds annoying,” Josh said, but there was a hint of relief. Defiance had almost been his undoing, but they had given him a second chance. If he could follow the rules and play nice from now on, then he could get things back on track. He said, “So I guess I should get back to studying?”
“Affirmative. The prudent course of action will be to complete your outstanding tasks as quickly and efficiently as you are able. I have taken the liberty of contacting Shift to inform her that you are now conscious. That closes out your previous task, although you will receive no reward for doing so due to the tardiness of the completion. She will be here in six minutes.”
Josh glanced around the room and said, “Hey, where is my backpack?”
“I have taken the liberty of having it moved to your chambers, which are now prepared. I did not want the game controller to fall into the wrong hands. I suggest you leave it there for the time being, until such time that you have regained the Teacher’s confidence. Then we can discuss the optimal strategy for introducing it again.”
“Urgh,” was all Josh could say to that. He’d be giving up the main advantage that he had, and instead would be forced to use the cumbersome Mech Controller and fight every battle the old-fashioned way. Worst of all, he’d have to endure the countless hours of training videos. It would be worse than actual school, a thought that had him longing to return to his old life for the first time. Hopefully that was still an option and his doppelgänger had managed to keep everything together.
He heard a commotion from down the hallway and stuck his head out to investigate. Shift was marching down the corridor, clearly intent on giving him a piece of her mind. There was only one minor issue. He still didn’t have clothes. He frantically searched the room for anything that could be used as a temporary toga, but there was nothing that met the required criteria. The bed didn’t even have sheets. As a last resort he used his hands. “Do you have an E.T.A. on my uniform?”
“E.T.A.?”
“When is it due to get here?”
“It is already on its way.”
“Yeah, well can you tell them to get a wriggle on, because I’m about to get reamed out by my boss and I’m stark-bollock naked.”
Josh risked another peek and jumped as Shift barged into him, knocking him to the ground. She said, “Oh good, you are awake.” Then she stared at him intently.
Josh did his best to cover himself up. He said, “Would you mind turning around?”
“Why?” Shift asked, still staring.
“Because I don’t have any clothes on!”
“So?”
“It’s another one of those private things.”
“I see. It does seem to be having a strange effect on me.” She turned around. “Honestly, it is a miracle that humans are ever able to coordinate anything with all the privacy they have.”
A delivery robot came whizzing around the corner and spat out a glistening uniform onto the floor. It was the cleanest it had ever been; his white shirt was practically glowing. He hurriedly pulled on his trousers and slipped the tie in his pocket.
When he was fully dressed he said, “You can look now.”
“How ridiculous,” Shift said, turning back around. “I came here to tell you we have to leave, right now.”
“What? Why? Where are we going?”
“Your Teacher has nominated you as Second Chair in an upcoming lawsuit with the Galactic Corp. The trial is of some importance, it is a great honour to be chosen.”
“That is a surprise,” Josh said, cautiously. He was waiting for the catch. “When is this trial?”
“It is starting in 17 minutes. We shall have to use the tunnels to make it in time.”
“Right, and let me guess, the High Command will be there?”
“How did you know? This is a small trial, but a key one in the fight to save Blurgon. At least one member of the High Command will be present.”
Yep, there it was. No time to prepare, no game controller, and a High Command witness to see him struggling. His Teacher was trying to publicly prove his point that Josh was a waste of resources.
He could at least solve one of those problems. He moved away from Shift and tapped his headset. He spoke quietly. “Find out where the trial is, and get my backpack there.”
“But we agreed that you wouldn’t be relying on your game controller as a crutch,” replied the Ship’s Computer.
“That was before the Teacher started playing these kinds of games. He wants us to fail, and that is almost certainly going to happen if I have to try and use the stupid Mech Controller. He knows full well I am not ready for that.”
“But…”
“But nothing. I promise I won’t use my controller unless I absolutely have to.”
“You also promised to follow instructions, one of which is to not use your game controller. The outcome of this deception is likely to be severe, and there will be no second chances.”
“Duly noted. Are you going to send my controller then?”
“It is not safe to transport using a droid. If it breaks down, or is mis-directed, then we will lose your main advantage, possibly forever. This option is not without risk.”
Josh thought it through. The Computer was right, trusting his future to a random droid felt like he was asking for trouble. What he needed was some other way.
He blurted out, “Ask Frag!” as the idea popped into his head. It was the perfect solution—no pesky maintenance issues to worry about.
“Frag is currently in class.”
“Well tell him it is super important, and remind him that if I get kicked out of the class, then he’s back to being dead last on the leaderboard.”
“Very well. I shall do as instructed, but only because I calculate your chances of success without the controller to be less than 4%.”
“Appreciate the vote of confidence,” Josh said, as Shift glared at him.
He moved back over to her and said, “I’m ready to go now.”
“Who were you talking to?” she asked.
“The Ship’s Computer. It suggested that I listen to you and so I will do as requested.”
“You should no longer be talking to her. There is speculation that she may be influencing you to misbehave.”
“What? She would never do that, if anything she is the one keeping me on the right path. She’s like the angel on my shoulder.”
“If there is any indication that is not the case I will have her removed and destroyed,” Shift said without a hint of hesitation.
“Well ok then, I guess I should make sure the women in my life are getting along.” He grinned, but the look he got in return was frosty.
Shift set off at a brisk pace and Josh jogged to keep up. He said, “So what is a second chair anyway?”
“Trainee lawyers are allowed to fight in real cases, but only as a second chair. It is intended to get you used to the realities of battle. The second uses a level 1 mech and is expected to perform support tasks, such as fetching fuel cells, repairing injuries with nano cells, or even acting as a distraction. You may not however perform any action that may be deemed as hostile.”
>
“So I don’t get to fight?” This was getting worse by the second.
“Absolutely not.”
“Why not?” asked Josh.
“It would be suicide.” Shift reconsidered this line of reasoning. “You would be instantly crushed by the opposing counsel’s primary mech, which will be several levels higher. It would also be a serious breach in protocol. There is an understanding that second chairs are off limits, that they are only there to learn and support. If seconds became targets then trainee lawyers would never get a chance to participate in real trials, their mechs would be destroyed the moment the trial started so that the primary mechs had one less threat vector.” She stopped walking for a moment and stared at him. “Do you understand? Do not mess with these protocols. They exist for a reason.”
“I understand. Helping good, fighting bad.”
She took out a data pad and he said, “Really? You need to give me a task for that?”
“It is to protect myself, to prove that we had this conversation.”
His wrist buzzed and he ignored it.
Shift continued to stare at him a moment longer before picking up the pace again.
“Anything else I need to know?” Josh said, between huffing breaths.
“Yes. The fuel cells are green and are highly volatile. Do not get hit while holding one. The purple cells are nano cells, which perform repairs. For both of them you will need to be close to the primary, they operate via proximity, but they aren’t smart enough to only work on our mechs, so don’t get too close to the enemy with them or they will leach our resources. You can only carry one at a time, so if you need to switch you will have to go back to the storage pod and swap them out. They are also extremely expensive to use, so if you are told to move away from the primary mech then do it as quickly as you can. You will be graded on efficiency, speed, positioning and most importantly of all, staying out of trouble.” Shift placed particular emphasis on the last point.
“Ok fine, so grab whichever canister I’m told to and then follow around the primary like a lovesick puppy until we win?”
Shift laughed. “We are not expected to win, nor are we trying to. We will field the minimum-level mech required to put up a modicum of resistance, but we are saving our resources for larger trials. The Galactic Corp wants us to over-extend, to waste what resources we have, so that we are not ready when the primary threat appears. That is not a trap we shall fall into. If we try to match them mech for mech then we will blow our entire budget long before they even break a sweat.”
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