by Noelle Adams
She wasn’t.
He sighed thickly and leaned back against the bench, extending his legs at an angle since Theodore had settled right in front of him, nose in the dirt. “I told you my whole family died.”
“Yes. It’s terrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“Thank you. I guess I’m used to it now. It’s been a lot of years. But before it happened, I was different. I had a stressful job. I worked really hard. Everyone depended on me. I had a lot of pressure and commitments and responsibility. And after it happened, I just... couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t what?”
“Do any of it. Take on any sort of commitment or responsibility. Not even a regular job. I’m not sure why. I know it was irrational. But it was the only way I could deal with it. Be someone else. And never carry the weight of...”
“Life? Other people?”
“Yeah.” He reached out to smooth back a strand of hair that was blowing in her face. “I always think of it like a tidal wave, lurking, waiting to crash over me, drown me. So I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m not that person now. And I don’t think I even remember how to... really live in the world. Be part of the world. Carry that weight.”
Belinda rubbed her hands on her thighs as she thought. She could tell he was telling her the absolute truth. It sounded real—not like a flimsy excuse. He’d been through a heartbreaking tragedy, and people dealt with those in ways that were as different and individual as each human soul.
Belinda’s tragedy had made her hold tight. Fitz’s had made him let go.
“I get it,” she told him. “I appreciate your explaining that to me. But it’s really all right. We had one night together, and it was good, but it’s not like I...” She couldn’t say what she wanted to say—which was she wasn’t a little bit heartbroken. So she settled for something else. “It’s not like I expected a proposal or anything afterward. I’m a grown-up. I know that sex doesn’t always lead to more.”
“I know that. And I know I’m not any sort of fantasy man for you. But you deserve more. And I wish I wasn’t too broken to offer it to you.”
She licked her lips. Tightened her ponytail. Stiffened her spine and smiled at him. “Thank you for saying that. I’m glad to understand better what happened. But if you’re worried about me, you don’t need to be. I’m doing just fine.”
“I know you are. I’m the one who’s so tangled up about this I can barely function.” He gave her a quirk of a smile. “You’re probably kind of relieved. Can you imagine us together?”
“Kind of, but not entirely.” She laughed and shook her head. “I don’t think we’d be the world’s most predictable couple. But that wouldn’t have stopped me. I have no idea if anything could have ever worked out between us, but I would have liked the chance to find out.”
She hadn’t meant to say that much. She hadn’t wanted to leave it hanging. Fitz’s eyes shot to her face in what looked like surprise.
Embarrassed and flustered that she’d revealed too much when she’d been so set on not doing so, she stood up. Leaned over to scratch behind Theodore’s ears. “It’s good to see you, buddy. You enjoy the rest of your walk.” Then she straightened up and said to Fitz, “Thanks for talking to me. I feel better about things. Maybe after a while, we can go back to... to...”
She didn’t finish because she didn’t believe it. There was no going back to what they’d been.
With a little wave, she walked away from the bench. When she’d reached the entrance and turned onto the sidewalk that led downtown, Fitz was still sitting where she’d left him.
DESPITE HER SMALL MISTAKE at the end, she did feel better after her conversation with Fitz. At least she understood the full story. At least she wouldn’t be troubled by unanswered questions for the rest of her life. At least she knew Fitz had genuinely wanted her, even if he wouldn’t let himself have her.
It was better this way. Safer. More secure. She could keep her nice life without everything being thrown up into chaos from trying to fit a relationship with Fitz into her world.
Maybe now she could get excited about Charles again. After all, he might want to step things up with her eventually.
Right now she didn’t really want that, but maybe she would one day. Or there could be a different man. Or no one. She would be happy anyway.
She managed to work at home until dinnertime. Then she made herself grilled chicken and a salad and paired it with some good chardonnay. She ate in front of the television and enjoyed a house-buying show.
Afterward, she took a bath and changed into some cozy pajamas, prepared to camp out on the couch for a while and watch more TV.
She’d only gotten fifteen minutes into the next show when there was a knock on her door.
Maybe it was Ria? Who else would be here this late on a Thursday evening?
Belinda got up and glanced out the peephole to see Fitz standing on her front porch.
She froze, briefly trapped by shock and indecision.
“I can hear you, Belinda,” Fitz said through the door. “Can you please let me in?”
Breathing raggedly, she opened the door.
They stared at each other across the threshold.
“What is it, Fitz?” she demanded, when he didn’t say anything.
“Did you mean it?”
“Did I mean what? What are you talking about?”
“Did you mean it when you said you’d like to give it a try? Give us a try.”
She made a weird little sound in her throat.
“Was that a yes or a no?” He hadn’t moved at all. His fingers were clenched at his sides.
“It was just a sound,” she told him. “But yes, I guess I did mean it. I mean, I get why you can’t commit or don’t think you can do a real relationship. And I really don’t know if we’d be able to... to make something work. But I’ve never felt like this before. About anyone. So, yeah, I’d want to try if that was an option.”
“I want to try too,” he blurted out. Then looked like he’d surprised himself by the admission.
Her mouth parted as she stared. “What?”
“I’ve been thinking. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve been thinking about you since Christmas, going over and over it in my head. Actually, I’ve been thinking about you since I moved to town. And I’ve wanted this for too long. And I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I just let it go.” His voice was hoarse, and his forehead was damp with perspiration. His eyes were urgent. Hungry. Almost wild. “So if you feel like you might still want to give it a try, then I’ll try it with you.”
She started to sway. Literally sway as the surge of feelings rocked her to the core. She reached out to hold on to his shirt when she was afraid she might fall. “You mean it?” she whispered.
She hadn’t been holding out any more hope, so she wasn’t prepared for this at all. The world felt like it was rumbling beneath her feet.
He cupped her face in one hand. Like it was precious. “Yes. I mean it. I’ve never meant anything more.”
If she was more of a crying person, she’d be bursting into tears about now. As it was, her eyes burned and her mouth wobbled. She stepped out of the doorway. “Then come on in. We can start trying tonight.”
Eight
THE RADIANT LOOK ON Belinda’s face as she let him into her house was the best and most beautiful thing Fitz had ever seen. In his whole life.
He was absolutely sure nothing could rival it.
Her long, loose hair was hanging down her back and over her shoulders, slightly tousled and incredibly touchable. She was wearing the same pajamas she’d been wearing on Christmas when he’d knocked on her door to tell her about the fallen tree branch. They were red and soft and clung to the lines and curves of her figure.
Also incredibly touchable.
His blood started coursing in his veins, and his muscles tightened as the sight of her triggered a surge of lust.
“What?” she demanded, when he stood t
here and stared. “I’m sorry I don’t look all that great at the moment, but you’re the one who came over unannounced. If you do that, you take what you get.”
He gave a breathy laugh, too distracted by physical interest to give in to the amusement fully. “You’ve somehow managed to interpret my staring as the exact opposite of what it really means.”
Her forehead wrinkled as she thought through what he’d said. Then understanding dawned, and the corners of her mouth turned up. “Oh.”
“So I’ll be happy to take what I get—since there’s nothing I want more.”
Her cheeks grew pink, although she shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I didn’t know you were prone to cheesy lines like that.”
She was clever—even now when she was clearly embarrassed by his appreciation. “Cheesy?”
“Yes. Cheesy.” She glanced around her tidy living room, the only things out of place being the throw blanket on the couch she’d obviously been covering up with earlier and the empty wineglass on the coffee table. “Are you hungry? Do you want anything? Or maybe some wine?”
“I’ve already eaten, but wine would be good if you’re going to have any more.”
“I could use another glass to recover from my shock. I can’t believe you’re really here.”
Fitz followed her into the kitchen, filled with the most ridiculous kind of pride and ownership. Because beneath her characteristic dry banter, Belinda looked so happy. Like she was bubbling over with it. And he was the one who had made her so.
When they’d filled their glasses with white wine, they went to sit on the couch. She’d obviously been watching a show about buying houses at the beach because it was still running, the sound muted now.
“So why did you change your mind?” she asked, folding up one leg beneath her.
Leave it to Belinda to ask outright instead of hoping the topic naturally came up. Fitz wasn’t used to making naked confessions. Even before he’d come to Azalea, he’d been a private person. But if there was any hope of making this work, then he needed to be as honest with her as he could. “I don’t know really. I just kept thinking about our conversation earlier. About how you would have wanted to give us a chance. I think I’ve just been telling myself for a long time that even if you were kind of interested in me, you wouldn’t have wanted a real relationship with me. I mean, look at you. And look at me.”
She rolled her eyes in that way she had when he was being stupid. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means. You’re beautiful and smart and successful and loved and respected by everyone. I couldn’t imagine you wanting to hook up with a barely employed stray.”
“You’re not a stray. Almost everyone really likes you, and the people who don’t aren’t people whose respect I care to obtain. And everything else is something you’ve chosen. You could have a job if you wanted. You could have a better place to live and better clothes if you wanted.”
“But I don’t want that.” His stomach had churned slightly as warning bells started to clang in his mind. “Belinda, I do want to give this a try. I haven’t committed to anything in years, but I’ll commit to trying this with you. But I can’t commit to anything else. I’m not going to be a different person. I’m not going to change my whole life. If that’s what you’re hoping—”
“No! I’m not. And I’m kind of offended that you’re assuming I would. Do you really think I’m the kind of person to expect a man to elevate his station just to be with me?”
He reached over to take her hand, unable to stop himself from touching her. “Of course I don’t think that about you. But anyone might hope for a little improvement. It’s not like I’m much of a catch.”
She frowned, obviously thinking through how she was going to respond. As he waited, Fitz told himself that this would decide things. If she wanted him to change, then he’d know this would never work. Because no matter how much he wanted Belinda, he could never go back to the man he’d been before.
She said, “I don’t care about any of that. If this life makes you happy, then it’s fine with me. All I’ve ever known of you is the shaggy eccentric who wanders around town and always gets on my nerves. That’s the man I’m into. I might not even want you anymore if you turned into someone else.” Her eyes were big and warm and sincere.
Fitz gulped at the rush of pure feeling. It shuddered down his spine. Dampened his palms. Tightened in his stomach and groin. “Is that right?” he asked thickly, rubbing her palm with his thumb.
“Yes. That’s right.” Her voice was a little gravelly too, and her cheeks were redder than ever. “So we’re good to try this?”
“Yes. We’re good.” He extended his caress of her hand down to her wrists, stroking the delicate skin with the pad of his thumb. He could tell she liked how it felt. Her breathing had gotten a little ragged, and she shifted her hips restlessly. Her responsiveness to the small touch was really doing it for him. He was already growing hard in his pants.
“Do you think...?” She bit her bottom lip when he dragged his fingernail lightly up the inside of her wrist. “Do you think we should keep this to ourselves for a while? Until we know it’s going to work? I’m just thinking about how things go here. Everyone will assume we’re almost engaged, and then there will be all this pressure—” She sucked in a sharp breath and let her head drop back when he moved his caress back to her palm.
“I think that’s a good idea.” He was mostly relieved by the suggestion since it would free him of the weight of responsibility he felt lurking in the back of his mind—the one that terrified him. It would be simpler—freer—if no one knew they were together for a while. And maybe a tiny part of him was disappointed that Belinda wasn’t all in.
But he could hardly expect her to be all in. She still didn’t even know his last name. Who would be fully committed in their situation?
“Okay,” she said. “Glad that’s settled. Now, if you don’t mind...” She bit her bottom lip again.
“If I don’t mind what?”
“I’m not sure how it’s happening since you’re just playing with my hand, but I’m getting really turned on here. So if you don’t mind, could you maybe do something to more than just my hand?”
He huffed with both amusement and excitement. He raised her hand his mouth and kissed her palm, slow and wet and teasing.
“Oh God,” she mumbled, her head falling back again and her eyes closing delectably. “I said more than my hand. How are you even doing this to me?”
He was hot and throbbing and filled with a feral sort of dominance. Because he was doing this to her, making her look and sound like that. He pushed down her sleeve so he could kiss his way to her inner elbow. She moaned uninhibitedly and arched toward him, her nipples growing so tight he could see the outline of them poking out, even beneath the thick, soft fabric.
After that, he couldn’t hold back anymore. He leaned forward and kissed her so hard that she fell back onto the couch with him on top of her. She was sweet and passionate and eager as he kissed and stroked her body, pulling off her clothes piece by piece until she was completely naked. He was barely holding back his own need, but he wanted to make sure she really enjoyed this, so he moved his face between her legs and made her come twice with his fingers and mouth before he took off any of his own clothes. It was obvious she really liked the way he used his beard against her intimate skin.
He’d brought a condom with him, so he put it on before he settled again between her legs. They kissed again, slow and deep, before he edged himself inside her and she wrapped her legs around him in that high, tight way she had. They rocked together urgently, and Fitz choked out a lot of helpless words about how good she was, how hot she was, how much he wanted, needed her. She was loud and breathless and shaking wildly as she came again all around him, and it was all he needed to let go of the reins of his control.
He came in a rush of hot pleasure, pushing hard against the clench of her channel. She held him afterward as he
collapsed into her arms.
He felt at home there—more at home than he’d felt in years.
Or maybe ever.
He really couldn’t remember feeling this way before.
TWO WEEKS LATER, BELINDA walked out of one of the empty storefronts in downtown Azalea and was hit with a silly rush of satisfaction over her secret relationship with Fitz.
They’d spent almost every night with each other since they’d gotten together. No one knew about it—since he was careful about being discreet when he came over in the evenings—and so far everything was going well. She was having a good time. A really good time. And not just in the bedroom.
She was enjoying everything about him, and nothing she might have worried about—considering who the two of them were—was bothering her in any way.
She couldn’t wait to see him again tonight.
“It looks really good,” Ariana said, coming out the door after Belinda and looking backward into the recently renovated space. “Jacob has done a really good job with it.”
The storefront was one of the empty ones in the block of property that Jacob owned. He’d been working for more than a year now on fixing the old buildings up and finding businesses to lease them.
Ariana was Charles’s sister, and she was almost ready to make a decision about starting her own business, so Belinda had volunteered to talk everything over with her today.
Belinda hadn’t gotten to know the other woman all that well yet, but she really liked her. “It will be a great space for any sort of store. That’s what you’re thinking about, right?”
“Yeah. I was originally thinking a bookstore, but now I kind of want to do a dress shop. I’ve been working on a business plan for the past few months, and I think I’ve got it all together.”