by M. J. Haag
Merdon nudged me.
“Eat,” he ordered.
I realized I’d stopped and took a bite. As I chewed, something clicked into place. His barked orders always came when I was lost in dark thoughts.
I paused mid-chew to look at him. Even though he was eating, he wasn’t focused on his sandwich. He was focused on me. I’d rarely seen him otherwise.
“What do you think?” Emily asked. “It’s called a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.”
“It’s good. Thank you,” he said.
Courtesy. Kindness. How many times had he reminded me to show her the same?
“It’s so good,” I echoed. “Hey, Em, would you mind if Angel and Brenna tagged along with us to Tenacity? I think Angel’s bored and desperate for a way to contribute. When I mentioned the dinner dates, she was quick to offer her help cooking or with the fey to human communications.”
“Sure,” Emily said. “The more the merrier. I have about five stops planned. Between the cookies and the extra supplies, it’d be good to have a few more hands to help carry everything.”
I gave her a relieved smile.
“Good. They’ll be ready to meet us by the wall as soon as we’re finished.”
Emily hurried us through the rest of the meal with her excitement, and we were out the door a few minutes later. Merdon carried a large box crammed with supplies and plated cookies in zip-seal bags.
“Hey, Tor!” Emily called, waving at the fey who was lingering in the street. “You ready?”
He nodded and fell into step with our group.
I wasn’t sure we’d waited long enough for everyone else to do what they needed, but Brenna and Thallirin were already by the wall along with Eden and Ghua.
“Heard you’re going to Tenacity,” Eden said. “Mind if we come along?”
“Not at all,” Emily said. “It’ll make this a lot easier.”
We all understood what she meant when she started handing out the supplies we had to hold while the fey carried us. Angel and Shax arrived before she finished. When the couples started pairing off, Tor came over and picked up Emily.
“Thank you so much for volunteering to do this, Tor. Just remember to keep smiling like you usually do,” Emily said to him before they disappeared over the wall.
Holding the supplies she’d given me, I glanced at Merdon, who stood nearby.
“I’m going to have a hard time hanging onto all of this if I’m upside down over your shoulder.”
“Do you want to be over my shoulder?”
The way he said it sent all sorts of thoughts through my head. Mostly of the last time he carried me that way and rubbed my butt after he spanked it. A flush started at the back of my throat and climbed to my cheeks.
“I think that might upset Brenna.”
He moved closer, eating up the space between us.
“Does it upset you?”
“Sometimes.” The word came out a mere whisper.
He tilted his head, studying me, then picked me up and jumped over the wall. The sudden change in elevation made my stomach clench. He touched down and immediately started running. His speed intensified the cold wind whipping my hair and numbing my face. Turning toward his chest, I found refuge and warmth. And something else.
His scent filled my nose.
How did he smell so good? It wasn’t soap or sweat; it was just him. Breathing deeply, I relaxed into his hold. His fingers twitched on my arm and thigh, and my pulse spiked in response. He knew I was smelling him.
I closed my eyes and tried not to think. That just made everything worse.
It didn’t take long before that feeling of rising and falling had my stomach flipping. As soon as Merdon landed on the inside of Tenacity’s wall, he released me.
“Are you ready?” Emily asked. She looked at me, Angel, Brenna, and Eden.
“For what, exactly?” Brenna asked.
“The goal is to try to convince as many single ladies as we can into volunteering for a dinner date with a fey. The cookies are to open doors, and the canned goods are a thanks for hearing us out. No strings attached. We don’t want to give the message that they’ll only get food if they say yes to dinner. But we do want them to know they’ll get a great meal if they say yes. Again, no strings attached one way or the other. We don’t want anyone to feel like she’s being forced into spending time with the fey for food.”
“We’re here to be a dating service?”
We could all hear the disbelief in Brenna’s tone.
“No. We’re here to help improve human relations with the fey. They’re more than just guards. They’re lonely people with feelings, who are being shunned just because they’re different. The dinners are just one way to help people see past those differences.”
“I think I’ll take Brenna with me to see Matt,” Eden said. “I’ve been meaning to ask him about the last batch of new people. I need to make sure there’s no one else I know.”
Brenna paled slightly.
“Yeah. I’m going with you.”
She handed off the food she carried and quickly split with Eden. It only took two stops to wish I’d done the same. But, I remembered this wasn’t about me. It was about Emily and, more largely, the fey. So, I forced myself to stop staring longingly out the window at Merdon and Shax and focused instead on the conversation at hand.
“Tor is just one of the fey interested in testing out his conversation skills. You’d be helping fey like him learn how to interact with us. As a way of saying thank you, we will fix a meal for you to enjoy.”
The girl in question side-glanced at Tor, who flashed her a close-lipped smile. He really was good looking, and one of the nicest fey I knew. I didn’t understand why the woman was being so standoffish.
“It’s not a marriage proposal,” I said, my patience slipping. “It’s dinner and conversation. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested. Enjoy the cookies and canned goods.” I stood. “We have at least three more stops to make before we have to head back to help Mary with the next test dinner. What’s on the menu tonight? Beef Pot Pie with bread pudding and brandied custard sauce for dessert, right?”
I knew I had the woman when she quickly lifted a hand to stop me. Thankfully, she hadn’t noticed Emily’s panicked look when I’d stood.
“Wait. I’m not saying no. Is that really what you’re making?”
“Me? No. It wouldn’t be nearly as good as what Emily and Mary make. Trust me when I say you don’t want to miss one of their dinners. I had a grilled ham and cheese for lunch that made my taste buds sing, courtesy of Emily. The cookies are hers, too.”
The girl looked at the empty plate of cookies she’d inhaled. A full dozen. She was going to be regretting that gluttony later. Or maybe not if she had roommates.
“Okay,” she said finally. “Sign me up. But, how am I going to get there?”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “We’ll send a fey around when it’s your turn.”
“When will that be?”
Emily looked down at her small notebook with an excited smile.
“How does next Tuesday sound?”
Chapter Twenty-Three
“I can’t believe it worked,” Emily said, yet again.
I swallowed my mouthful of lobster mac and cheese topped with buttered panko crumbs and waved my fork in the direction of my plate.
“I can’t believe there was any hesitation on their part after sampling your cooking. Those women just needed a push in the right direction.”
“Thank you so much for being that push.” Emily looked at Merdon. “Wasn’t she amazing?”
He grunted and continued eating. My stomach flipped nervously, which I tried to ignore. I’d successfully avoided having any time for Merdon’s version of training and hoped to keep it that way. Just a few more hours to go.
After my last bite, I executed an exaggerated stretch and yawned loudly.
“What a long day. I think I’m going to shower, read a book, and turn in. I’m be
at.”
Emily frowned.
“Already? I don’t think it’s even seven yet.”
I shrugged.
“Early day tomorrow. The girls and I are meeting up for practice as soon as it’s light because Angel wants to check in with Mary around lunchtime.”
“If you’re sure,” Emily said. “Do you have a book or need a new one? I have several in my room if you want to borrow one.”
“I’ll grab one,” I said, already hurrying from the kitchen.
I didn’t think of Emily’s locked door until I tried the knob and it swung open freely. Her room, like mine, was devoid of any personal effects. The curtains were open wide to let light in, and her large bed was neatly made.
Going to the bookcase she’d added to the room, I quickly perused the titles she’d collected. Her reading tastes ranged from horror and paranormal suspense to cozy mysteries and sweet romance and everything in between. There was plenty of selection. I just wasn’t sure what I was in the mood for.
One title caught my eye. Dealing with Demons by Melissa Haag. Grinning, I plucked it off the shelf and moved closer to the window to read the back.
“No, Hannah,” Merdon barked.
I looked up in confusion at Merdon, who stood in the doorway.
“Now you’re going to tell me what I can read?”
“Stay away from the window.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I’m not trying to get out the window. I was just going to read the back of this.” I held up the book.
He flicked on Emily’s bedroom light, temporarily blinding me.
“Stay away from the window,” he repeated.
I blinked at him, toying with the book I held. I knew he wanted me to stay away from the window because I’d scared him. If I wanted any freedom in my future, I needed to reassure him that wouldn’t happen again. More importantly, I needed to give him a reason to believe me.
Crossing the room, I approached him with my heart thundering in my ears. My fingers were steady as I placed them on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze.
“I jumped because I thought there was nothing left. That there was no other way to escape my guilt and shame. I can’t say I’m glad you stopped me because you’ve been a pain in my ass ever since. But I can say that I’ve learned a lot since then. Life isn’t meant to be easy or pain-free. We all have regrets and mistakes we’re trying to cope with. I wasn’t coping before, but I’m trying to do that now.”
His fingers circled my wrist and plucked my hand free of his chest.
“Go.”
I didn’t understand why there was a low warning in that single word, but I listened to it and hurried to my bedroom. He didn’t bother me as I got ready for bed or when I sat up, reading the book. It was good, really good, and spoke to that tormented part of me that I’d been trying to ignore. It also affirmed what I’d said to Merdon. We all had issues. Even the fictional versions of ourselves.
The hands of a dozen infected were holding me down, and I fought with everything I had to free myself as I screamed in desperation.
“Hannah, you are safe.” The firm words penetrated the remnants of the dream, and I untangled myself from the restraining sheets.
Panting, I looked around the room wildly.
“You’re safe,” Merdon repeated, reaching out to run a hand over my hair.
A full-body tremble shuddered its way through me, and I leaned into his touch hard before I came to my senses and scrambled from the bed.
I held up my hands as he stood, a shadow among shadows.
“No, I’m good. I’m fine.” The hitch in my voice said otherwise.
“Hannah, you have one minute to tell me what’s wrong before I throw you over my shoulder and take you downstairs where we will stay until you talk.”
“That sounds a lot like you’re asking me if we’re going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”
“Because I am.”
I groaned and turned a slow circle, shaking out my arms.
“Why do you always have to push so much?”
“You need pushing.”
“Do I? How do you know? What if I just need some quiet time?”
“You had quiet time before bed. It didn’t help. You’re still acting different.”
I stopped turning and sighed.
“Different. That’s a nice way of saying freaked out that all my freedom is going to be stripped from me forever.”
He tilted his head at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you. I heard what you said to Emily in the kitchen. This isn’t just some fey crush. You have your sights set on me. Me. You’ve staked your claim and chased all the other fey away while my head was swimming with all my glorious narcissism. I didn’t see it, but now I do, and I want it to stop.”
He stood and stalked around the bed. I crossed my arms stubbornly, holding my ground now that I’d said my piece.
“Your freedom has already been stripped away from you forever,” he said softly. “You are mine, Hannah. No more running. No more hiding behind your past. You are mine.”
My bravado left me with the intensity of his words.
“No. Not me. I’m too messed up.” My nose tingled a second before the first tear slipped free. “Pick someone normal. I’m mean, remember?”
“I like mean.”
My pulse gave a jump, and I guiltily acknowledged that I wanted him to want me just as I was. Faults and all. I couldn’t change my past, and I didn’t want to let him go so he could find someone better.
“Are you sure?” I asked, sniffling.
“I want you with every breath and beat of my heart. But I’ve seen how you use other fey. I won’t be used, Hannah. You will not manipulate me.”
He wiped one of my tears away and gripped my chin.
“I’m going to sit down, and you’re going to come to me like you should have in the first place. If you don’t, we go downstairs. Do you understand?”
His attempt to intimidate me was far too successful because I could barely inhale, never mind speak.
“Do you understand?” he repeated with soft menace when I didn’t respond.
I nodded jerkily.
“Good.”
He went to his chair and sat like he’d said then watched me tensely, an angry, challenging light in his eyes. Did I want to fight him? Yes, but not in the dumb basement. I hated basement time. Not only did it physically exhaust me, but all of the touching confused the hell out of me now. Yet, sitting in his lap would do the same.
I’d hesitated just a little too long because he started to rise. With a startled yip, I scrambled onto his lap. He grunted, probably in pain because I wasn’t being careful, then settled into the chair, wrapping his arms around me.
A shaky exhale escaped me the moment his hand stroked my hair.
“You’re safe,” he said again.
From infected? Yes. At least, I was for now. But was I safe from him?
Definitely not.
I woke in my own bed, alone in my room, well after dawn. Yawning, I forced myself to get up and brush my teeth. If I didn’t hurry, Brenna would likely show up at our door again.
Finding the energy to move any faster than a crawl was impossible, though.
Every time I’d tried to climb off of Merdon’s lap to return to my own bed during the night, he’d tightened his hold on me. I’d finally given in to sleep after hours of fighting it. And drifting off in Merdon’s arms had been sublime.
I was in so much trouble.
Finished in the bathroom, I threw on something warm and went downstairs. Emily was sitting at the island alone.
“Morning,” I said. “Where is Merdon?”
“He left.”
I let out a relieved sigh and sat next to her.
“Be easy on him,” she said. “He’s struggling too.”
I snorted.
“How exactly is he struggling? He’s always getting his way.”
She gav
e me a long look as she got up and went to the oven.
“He told me that he talked to you about how he feels.”
“Uh…that’s not how I recall last night’s conversation. He told me he wanted me but that he wouldn’t let me manipulate him.” I tiredly rubbed my hands over my face. “And that was after I started crying because I told him he should pick someone else. He’s told me repeatedly that the other fey don’t want me because I’m mean. It’s like he’s being stuck with me. I don’t want to be someone’s last resort. I want to be wanted for me as screwed up as I am.”
“You’re not screwed up, and you’re not mean. You’re dealing with a lot and just need a little help, time, and understanding. He’s giving all of that to you.”
I gave her the best what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about look I could muster.
“He’s helping you stay sober and keeping you distracted. He wants you but isn’t acting on it because he knows you’re not ready. And even when you have a moment and lash out, he doesn’t get upset. He knows you’re hurting.”
I stared at her as something else clicked into place. Merdon wasn’t the only one giving me help, time, and understanding.
“So, is there any chance that you like him back?” she asked after a moment of silence.
“Do you really think it’s smart for me to like anyone when I still hate myself most days?”
“Yes. Because before Merdon, you hated yourself every second of every day. Now, there are moments I see the real you showing through. The girl before the quakes. If Merdon’s the reason for that change, hang on to him and don’t let go.”
I looked down at the plate she set before me.
“You didn’t know me before the quakes.”
“No, but I’m guessing that back then, you didn’t walk around with a haunted look in your eyes while you tried to hide behind a beautiful smile. In these last few days, you’ve changed. A lot. When you smile now, it’s real. And I’m positive that’s who you used to be.”
I took my first bite of the homemade cinnamon roll and almost died.
“Screw Merdon. Marry me, Emily. Be my bwife.”