SAM: (UNCERTAINLY) Umm . . . How would I . . .? Would you want me to hold up a sign? Or . . .?
16
MY ONE TRUE FRIEND
I took a couple of days off school when Abby was born, and then it was the weekend, so by Monday I’d almost forgotten about the teacher’s pet business. But it didn’t take long to be reminded. Before school Johnny Wilson came up to me.
JOHNNY WILSON: Hey, Sam.
SAM: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Why did you call me Sam and not ‘idiot-features’? I don’t have chocolate, if that’s what you want.
JOHNNY WILSON: I want something even better than chocolate. (PAUSE) Actually, that’s not true. Nothing’s better than chocolate. (PAUSE) Except maybe chocolate-covered chocolate.
SAM: (PAUSE) That’s . . . still just chocolate.
JOHNNY WILSON: (EYES NARROW) Whatever. You know how you’re the teacher’s pet?
SAM: (SIGHS) Yeah.
JOHNNY WILSON: And you know how, because you’re the teacher’s pet, you’ve been helping Miss Lee mark our tests?
Miss Lee had asked me to help her with marking in our classroom while everyone else was at assembly, which was good because I got out of assembly, but bad because it was another way everyone could see I was the teacher’s pet.
SAM: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Yeah?
JOHNNY WILSON: Next time we have a maths test, how about you mark mine and give me full marks.
SAM: (SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, because that wouldn’t look suspicious . . . if you suddenly got 20 out of 20, after years of getting three out of twenty.
I know it sounds like I was being cheeky to Johnny Wilson, and risking getting punched, but I knew he wouldn’t get offended because he didn’t care about school work.
JOHNNY WILSON: (SHRUGS) Okay, make it 16 out of twenty. And if Miss Lee gets suspicious, I’ll say I got a tutor. I just need a decent mark to get my parents off my back.
I didn’t want to cheat for Johnny Wilson. Cheating was wrong. And what if I got caught? Besides, if I did it for him once, then he’d want me to do it for him again and again. And then other kids would find out and want me to cheat for them too.
SAM: Umm . . . I dunno. I don’t . . .
JOHNNY WILSON: If you do this for me, I’ll do something for you.
SAM: What?
JOHNNY WILSON: I’ll protect you from that guy who wants to beat you up.
SAM: (ALARMED) What guy?
JOHNNY WILSON: (SMILES AND POINTS TO HIS CHEST) Me.
SAM: (SLOWLY) So you’re saying that if I get you a good mark in the maths test, then you’ll stop yourself from beating me up.
JOHNNY WILSON: Yep.
SAM: How will you do that? Will you have to fight yourself to stop yourself beating me up? And if you do fight yourself, what if you lose?
JOHNNY WILSON: Shut up, Sam, or I’ll let the guy who wants to bash you up do it right now. (PAUSE) That means I’ll bash you up now. (POINTS AT HIS CHEST) Me.
SAM: Yeah, I got that.
I needed to buy some time to think.
SAM: The thing is, Miss Lee keeps a pretty close eye on me when I’m helping her mark, so I’ve got to work out how I can get away with it.
JOHNNY WILSON: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Okay, but think fast. Or I won’t be able to stop that guy who wants to beat you up.
SAM: It’s you. Just say it’s you.
As Johnny Wilson wandered off, I felt cold inside. Cheating was bad, and doing it for someone else seemed even worse. Or, at least, dumber. If I got caught I’d be in big trouble, and getting in trouble at school was a lot worse than getting in trouble at home.
WHY GETTING IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL IS WORSE THAN GETTING IN TROUBLE AT HOME
GETTING IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL
(SAM DOES SOMETHING NAUGHTY, LIKE SCRIBBLING ON ANOTHER KID’S BOOK)
TEACHER: Right, that’s it! You’re on detention.
GETTING IN TROUBLE AT HOME
(SAM DOES SOMETHING NAUGHTY, LIKE BEING CHEEKY OR FORGETTING TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE OR WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE WITH MUDDY SHOES)
MUM: Oh, Samuel. I’ve told you not to do that, and last time I said that if you did it again there’d be a punishment, so . . . (DEEP BREATH) Samuel. No dessert tonight! (PAUSE) Oh, but I’ve made cheesecake, and you love cheesecake. Oh, dear. All right, you can have dessert, but no second helping! Or, at least, if you have a second helping, it has to be smaller than the first one. A bit smaller. Or, at least, not any bigger. There. That should teach you a lesson.
To take my mind off my new ‘Cheating for Johnny Wilson’ problem, I wandered over to Gary at the monkey bars. Then Noah came up.
NOAH: Hey, Gary. What’s up?
GARY: Nuthin’ much.
NOAH: (LAUGHS) Classic.
I figured I might be able to get a few popularity points back by telling them about my amazing deeds at Abby’s birth, especially if I slightly exaggerated my role.
SAM: (TO NOAH, EXCITED) Hey, did you hear about my new sister being born? I had to drive my Mum to the hospital. Like, I drove the car. But all I could find was a vet. A vet! So I carried Mum inside all by myself, and then the vet helped me get the baby out. Can you believe it?
NOAH: (UNINTERESTED) Great. (TO GARY) Whatcha doin’ after school?
GARY: Dunno. Wanna come over for a swim?
NOAH: Yeah, great. See ya.
(NOAH WALKS OFF)
SAM: Yeah. It’s pretty hot today.
GARY: (SILENCE)
That was weird, because Gary usually asked me over, but I tried to convince myself it didn’t mean anything. He probably just wanted to have different people over. That was fair enough. You don’t want to hang out with the same person every single day, even if that person is your best friend in the whole world. There was no way Gary would dump me, not after everything we’d been through together.
Just to reassure myself, though, I found him after school.
SAM: Hey, so, it’s totally fine you wanted to have Noah over today without me. I’m probably going to Woden Plaza on the weekend with Will without you* and you’ll be cool with that, right?
*Not actually true.
GARY: Sure.
(WILL WALKS PAST)
WILL: Gary, I’ll just get my bike and meet you out the front of school, yeah?
GARY: (EMBARRASSED) Er, okay.
SAM: So . . . Will is going to your place too?
GARY: (AWKWARDLY) Yeah.
SAM: Anyone else?
GARY: (AWKWARDLY) Max, Patrick, Johnny Wilson.
SAM: Johnny Wilson?!
GARY: Yeah.
SAM: (EXCITED) Hey, if I came too, then everyone could see that even though I’m the teacher’s pet, I’m still a good guy. We could all do bombs together and I could make some jokes about Miss Lee. It could really help.
GARY: Yeah, um, I just think . . . it might be kind of awkward. You know, because you’re the teacher’s pet. Come around on the weekend. It’ll just be you and me, like normal. Mum’ll make us milkshakes.
SAM: Yeah, but I just thought maybe today?
GARY: It’s just that some of these guys haven’t been to my place before, so I don’t want it to be, you know, weird. Come on Saturday, when, you know . . .
SAM: When no one will see me? Is that what you mean? Maybe I should ride over wearing a balaclava so no one knows that you’re hanging out with the teacher’s pet.
GARY: It’s not like that.
SAM: Or Dad can drive me and I’ll hide in the boot of the car.
GARY: Come on, Sam . . .
SAM: But how will I get from the car to your front door? I know. I’ll hide inside a suitcase at my place, and then Dad can carry the suitcase from the car to your place.
I knew I was getting carried away, but I couldn’t help it. I thought I could rely on Gary. He was my last hope. But now, just like everyone else, he was dumping me.
GARY: This is stupi—
SAM: But wait! What if someone recognises Dad and guesses that it’s me in the suitcase? I know. I’ll get him to put on a false beard and an
eye-patch. Will that work, Gary?
GARY: Are you being sarcas—
SAM: But what if someone recognises our car? I know. I’ll paint the car black and change the number plates. Sure, that’s a lot of effort just so I can come and hang out with my best buddy Gary, but Gary’s such a great friend who’s so loyal to me that it’ll definitely be worth it.
(SILENCE)
GARY: I’m pretty sure you’re being sarcastic.
SAM: Ya reckon?
GARY: There. That’s sarcasm.
SAM: So Johnny Wilson’s in and I’m out. Is that it?
GARY: It’s not like that. It’s just kinda awkward at the moment. But in a week or so everything’ll probably be back to normal.
SAM: Yeah, right. Remember when I had Swirly? And you said that it wasn’t me who was popular, it was the marble. Well, it’s the same with your pool. You really think Johnny Wilson suddenly thinks you’re awesome now? He’s just using you because he wants a swim.
GARY: (softly) Shut up.
SAM: As soon as it’s not hot anymore, they’ll all dump you.
GARY: Yeah, well, guess what? I’ve never been popular before. Ever. And I like it, so I’m going to make the most of it, just like you did with your marble.
SAM: You mean the marble you talked me into getting rid of? You just did that because you were jealous of how popular I was getting. You were worried I wouldn’t need you anymore.
GARY: Was not. (PAUSE) Look, soon you won’t be the teacher’s pet anymore and things will go back to normal.
SAM: Oh, yeah? How’s that going to happen? By magic?
GARY: It’ll just . . . happen. Things change.
SAM: Things don’t just change. You have to change them. And I don’t know how to.
(SAM AND GARY STARE AT EACH OTHER)
SAM: I gotta go. (WALKS AWAY, BLINKING BACK TEARS)
17
STEADY HAND SAM
When I got home from school, I lay on my bed thinking about how stupid Gary was, and about how I didn’t even care that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because he sucked, and about how I wanted to sneak into his back garden and steal his stupid pool – except that would be quite tricky because pools are really big – and about whether there was some way I could get out of cheating for Johnny Wilson, and, most of all, about how I really needed to figure out how to fix things because it was all going bad, but I couldn’t think properly because Abby kept crying and crying and crying.
What did she have to cry about? All her friends weren’t deserting her.
I heaved myself off my bed and sat at my desk. For homework, I had to write an argument about whether dogs or cats were better but I couldn’t concentrate because of Abby crying and this is what I wrote:
Dogs are better than cats because dogs are much friendlier, and Abby’s crying again. Dogs are always pleased to see you, but cats just ignore you, and Abby is still crying. It just goes on and on even though her life is perfect. Everyone gives her presents and she just lies there and has no homework. It’s so loud. BE QUIET! If you go on holiday cats hate travelling and I hate the sound of crying and I can’t think and dogs and dogs and dogs and dogs and dogs and STOP CRYING.
I had to block out the noise. I got some earplugs and shoved them as far into my ears as I could. They helped a bit, but then, after I re-wrote my argument and tried to get them out, I accidentally pushed one in deeper and it got stuck. Every time I tried to grab it, I pushed it in further.
What if the earplug kept going in further until it got into my brain and I became a zombie who just walked round saying, ‘I am an earplug. I am an earplug’
I got a knife to try and spear it. I’ve had some dumb ideas, but shoving a knife into my ear was probably the worst ever.
READERS BEWARE: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
SAM: (INSERTING KNIFE INTO EAR) Okay, little plug, come here. In fact, come ear! Get it! Classic.
Okay, calm down, big guy. This is a delicate operation. Steady hand. Here we go. OWWW! MY EAR! Okay, it’s all right, It’s probably just a little cut. I’ll get it this time. Come on, Sam. AHHHH! OWWWW! That one hurt. Need to block out the pain. Third time lucky. AHHH! OWWWW! MUM! I’m bleeding! I cut my ear! Three times!
Mum freaked out (of course) and, even after I’d explained why I stuck the knife in my ear, told me how silly I’d been nine times.
Meanwhile, the earplug was still in there.
MUM: We’ll use the vacuum cleaner.
SAM: What if it sucks my brains out?!
MUM: I’ll just put it on low.
She held the nozzle against my ear and turned it on. There was a huge WHOOSH in my right ear and it felt like my brains were getting sucked out, then I heard a POP!
‘Got it,’ said Mum.
I’m pretty sure I lost some of my brain too, because when I did my maths afterwards I couldn’t work out what six times three was.
After I finished my homework, I flopped on my bed and tried to figure out the teacher’s pet problem. Maybe I could just be my normal, nice, loveable, friendly self and everyone would see that it wasn’t my fault that I was the teacher’s pet, and start to treat me with the respect and kindness I deserved?
Yeah, right. As if. This was primary school, not a Support Group for Unpopular Children.
I needed something that would make me popular again – like Swirly had, or Gary’s pool did for him. If only I had a pool.
‘You are soo cute,’ said Mum from down the corridor, but of course she was talking to Abby, not me.
Then I had it. The baby! The baby could be my pool!
Everyone who visited us seemed to think Abby was super exciting. I knew lots of kids at school had little brothers or sisters, and they complained about how stupid and irritating they were, but babies were different. Everyone loved babies.
18
THE WORLD EXPERT
The next morning, I asked Mum a favour.
SAM: Can I take Abby to school today?
MUM: What?
SAM: Just to show everyone how cool she is. I’ll be really careful. I’ll even ride my bike slower than usual.
(MUM LOOKS HORRIFIED)
SAM: I’m joking, Mum. I wouldn’t put Abby on my bike. That’d be dangerous. I’ll take her on the bus.
MUM: No, Samuel.
SAM: Please. I’ll share my lunch with her. Does she like cheese sandwiches?
Unfortunately, Mum wouldn’t go for it. Instead, I decided to ask kids over to our place to see Abby. They could go ‘googy go-gar’ with her for a bit, and then we could play in the backyard. That might work as well as asking them over for a swim. Especially on not-very-hot days.
Unfortunately, it didn’t pan out the way I’d hoped.
SAM: So, I got a new sister.
MAX: Ah . . . okay.
SAM: Wanna come over and see her this arvo?
MAX: Why? Does she have an extra finger or something?
SAM: She’s got ten.
MAX: On each hand? Wow! Yeah, cool. Can I take a photo and Instagram it? I bet I’d get heaps of likes.
SAM: Ten in total.
MAX: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Ah, thanks, but I’m busy today.
SAM: What about tomorrow?
MAX: Nah.
SAM: Or the next day? Or the day after that?
MAX: Actually, I’m not busy today.
SAM: Cool.
MAX: Or tomorrow. It’s just that I don’t want to.
(MAX WALKS OFF. MITZY GALAFRINKUS SHYLY WALKS UP TO SAM.)
MITZY: Sam? Umm . . . did you say you have a new baby sister?
SAM: (DISTRACTED) What? Yeah. But it’s not working.
MITZY: I love babies. I bet she’s super cute.
SAM: Not really. Gotta go.
I started to walk off, but then I realised that Mitzy might be the one person who could help me. She was the world expert on being the teacher’s pet . . . Maybe she knew how I could un-pet myself.
SAM: Wait. Can I talk to you?
MITZY: Y
ou are talking to me. (SUSPICIOUSLY) If you want to look at my maths homework, sorry, I don’t . . .
SAM: It’s not that. I’ve . . . I’ve become the teacher’s pet.
MITZY: Welcome to the club. Was it hard?
SAM: I didn’t try to. It just happened. For some reason Miss Lee thinks I’m perfect and now everyone hates me. It’s a disaster. Do you . . . like being the teacher’s pet?
MITZY: (SHRUGS) I guess.
SAM: But . . . no one likes the teacher’s pet.
MITZY: Yes, they do.
SAM: Who?
MITZY: The teacher . . . The teacher likes me. And that’s better than no one, right?
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
MITZY: (STANDS) I’ve got to go clean the whiteboards and empty the bin.
SAM: Wait! How do I un-pet myself?
MITZY: (SHRUGS) I’ve never done that.
SAM: Please. You gotta help me. You’re the world expert on teachers’ pets.
MITZY: (SARCASTICALLY) Yay. Go, me. Maybe I’ll get a prize on speech day.
SAM: Please can you help me?
MITZY: (SIGHS) You could wait for the end of the year? Next year, you’ll have a new teacher.
SAM: No! Seriously, I can’t go the rest of the year like this. When you’re the teachers’ pet, everyone treats you like dirt. It’s like . . . (PAUSE) you know what it’s like. Don’t you hate it?
MITZY: (SHRUGS) I’m used to it.
SAM: Well, I’m not. What can I do?
MITZY: Is your problem that you’re the teacher’s pet? Or is it the way everyone’s treating you?
SAM: It’s the way everyone treats me. But that’s because I’m the teacher’s pet.
MITZY: So what if everyone could see that you being the teacher’s pet was good for them?
SAM: Huh?
MITZY: Like, once when it was hot, I convinced our teacher to take us outside and teach us under a tree.
SAM: Did that work?
MITZY: Yeah. Everyone was nice to me for the rest of that day.
When she said that, I realised that it mustn’t be much fun being Mitzy Galafrinkus. I felt sorry for her and if things had been different, I definitely would have tried to help her make some friends.
Very Popular Me Page 5