“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, turning to look out my side window.
“You seem a little distracted. Did something happen at school?”
“Everything is fine, Tucker,” I said a little too tersely.
He held his hands up in surrender. “Okay. Sorry for asking.”
I felt like a bitch, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around Rick’s return and his intensions, and how that was all going to play out with Meredith.
When we arrived home, I immediately went to my room, shutting myself in so I could think about this mess and what I needed to do about it.
21
Tucker
I’d had a good day at school. Most days were pretty good, but today, I felt I’d made a breakthrough with a student overwhelmed by decimals in math. Then, the class and I had a lively discussion as we created our own classroom Bill of Rights during our history lesson.
That on top of having a very satisfying personal life with Holly, I was living well. It was amazing to wake up in her bed, her luscious body by my side every morning. Even the everyday acts of grooming or having breakfast, held a whole new appeal. It was goofy I know, but I was very much enjoying domestic life. I kept the house running by fixing the things that needed upkeep and making dinner. And at night, to go to bed with her, even if we didn’t have sex, it was still fulfilling just to be beside her.
I should have known that the bubble would eventually pop. From the very beginning, my experience with Holly was one step forward two steps back. I supposed when she invited me into her bedroom, I thought she’d given in to what was between us, but today, it appeared that something was up when she was distant and then snapped at me when I asked about it in the car. I could feel her retreating from me again.
Did school go badly? Had Meredith done something? I didn’t know, and apparently, Holly didn’t want to confide in me. The fact that her keeping something that was clearly an issue for her from me hurt. It told me I was emotionally involved, which I’d known, but it was a reminder of how fucked up this would be if it didn’t work out.
When we arrived home from school, she made a b-line to her room, shutting the door. I considered hunting her down and demanding to know what was going on. At the very least, I wanted to know why I was being shut out. But I was afraid she’d say something about this all being fake and I had no real right to know, and I couldn’t bear to hear that.
So I left my school bag in the living room, and went to the kitchen. I grabbed a beer and then pulled out the fixings for dinner. I was lying to Meredith when I said that I’d wanted to be a chef at one time, but it was the truth that cooking relaxed me. The tactile elements of the food along with the creative aspect of cooking settled my nerves. Initially, I’d turned to cooking so I could eat while my parents fought through dinnertime. Once my father left, I cooked to help around the house as my mom worked long hours to build up her therapy practice.
I think that’s partly why Brooke and I became such good friends in college. Like me, she lost a parent as a kid, although her mother died whereas my father left. But like me, she had to take on more responsibility in the house. In her case, she ended up taking over her mother’s household jobs so her father could focus on running his cattle ranch. How she did that and went to school, I don’t know. Me, I took on more household responsibilities as well, but not as much as she had.
I put the dinner of chicken and rice in the oven, and set the table, glancing up the hall to see if Holly had made an appearance yet. The bedroom door was still closed. I didn’t like her going inside herself like that, and I wasn’t sure if I shouldn’t be more worried than annoyed. Of course, since she wouldn’t talk to me, I couldn’t know what to think or feel.
When dinner was finished cooking, I put it on the table and then went to let her know it was ready.
“Holly?” I knocked on the door. “Dinner is ready.”
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
I considered barging in and demanding to know what was up, but knew that it was my selfish need to be reassured she wasn’t upset at me or thinking of booting me out, so I let her be.
I waited for her at the table, wondering if she was going to make an appearance. When she did, she was quiet and sullen as she sat and put her napkin in her lap. We started eating in silence, until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Holly, I’ve given you time and space, but I can’t go on like this. What is going on with you? If it’s none of my business, you can tell me, but maybe I can help.”
She looked down at her food, but I don’t think she really saw it. “I’m sorry…I know I’m behaving badly. But…there’s nothing you can do.”
Fuck that. “I can listen.” My voice wasn’t as gentle as I’d have liked.
She inhaled a deep breath. “Rick showed up in my classroom today.”
“Rick as in your ex?” What the fuck was he doing back? My gut immediately roiled, making eating dinner impossible.
“He said he missed me and that he’d made a mistake in leaving.”
Oh hell no. Holly was mine. No way was that numbnut going to waltz back in and take her from me. Not if I had anything to say about it. Except…maybe that’s what she wanted. Maybe he was the love of her life.
“What did you say?” I asked even though I was afraid of her answer.
“I told him I couldn’t discuss it then. I was at work. It wasn’t the right place to talk about such personal things.”
I’d felt pain and disappointment in my life, but in that moment, it was like a fucking anvil dropped on my chest. She could have told him to take a flying leap. She could have said she’d moved on with a new man. But she hadn’t said either of those things.
My jaw clenched as I kept the words, “you could have told him you had me,” from escaping. As much as I’d have loved for her to say that, I couldn’t be sure that she saw things like I did. Rick being back could have changed everything for her. Clearly it had, because she was having an emotional reaction to his return.
Jealousy boiled and I wanted to throw something. Instead, I finished my dinner.
“I’ll clean up,” she said. I nearly made a snarky comment about her moving in on my chores as a way to ease me out to make room for Rick, but I was sure that would cause her to toss me out on my ass. The truth was, I was more emotionally involved with her than she was with me. I’d always known it, but thought I could make her care for me. With Rick back, that seemed impossible. Maybe it was time to cut my losses. I wasn’t sure how I could leave and not mess things up with the library project, but I wasn’t interested in being second especially to a douchebag asshole who didn’t know what he had when he left. Then again, why I was so enthralled with a woman that would prefer the said douchebag over me, who treated her with respect, I couldn’t say.
I texted Brooke to see if she could meet me. I needed someone I could talk to, and one of the downsides of Salvation was that she was the only one here I could confide in. She messaged back that we could meet at a park along the river for a walk.
“I told Brooke I’d see her this evening. It’s been awhile since we checked in.” Then trying to be light, I said, “I keep expecting her to tell me the pitter patter of little mayor’s feet will be coming soon.”
Holly smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I hope that’s true for them soon. I know Mo always wanted a family.”
“I’ll be back later.”
“Say hello to Brooke for me.”
I headed out, my blood surging with negative energy. I need to run or hit something. Why did I have feelings for a woman who clearly didn’t feel the same?
When I arrived at the river park, I stood along the bank, watching it flow by. It occurred to me that people came and went, but this river kept flowing. It would flow long after I was gone. It made me feel insignificant. What happened to me, didn’t matter. Whether Holly ever loved me or she tossed me aside to be with her ex, this river didn’t give a fuck.
“Hey, Tuck.”
I turned to see Brooke walking toward me. She had her signature bright smile that faltered when she saw me.
“What’s wrong?”
I let out a derisive huff. “Holly’s ex is back and he wants a do-over.”
Her expression was sympathetic as she hooked her arm through mine and we started walking along the river. “What does she say about that?”
“I’ll tell you what she didn’t say. She didn’t say take a hike you fucker. She didn’t say she’d met someone else. No, she simply said that it wasn’t the time to discuss it.”
I stopped and looked at Brooke. “That says to me that she wants to discuss it. That fuckwad left her at the altar and she wants to discuss taking him back?” I shook my head in disbelief.
“Holly doesn’t strike me as a woman that would simply take her ex back especially after the way he left,” she said. “Maybe she was just too overwhelmed and surprised that he was there and needed time to think before talking to him.”
“No. What she should have done is told him to fuck off.” God, why was he given the time of day?
“Tucker, I’m sorry this hurts you, but—”
I glared at her, not wanting to hear excuses. I wanted Holly to fucking pick me, dammit.
“You know when Mo and I were in our arrangement, he had lunch with his ex. She even showed up one night. I remember feeling so jealous and angry. I think we react the way we do because we see a history there. Mo had been married to Shelley. She’d had what I hadn’t had at that point, his love. It’s similar with you. Holly has a history with Rick that once included love.”
“I’d hoped you would make me feel better,” I quipped.
She smiled. “Well, maybe I still will because along with that history in which we focus on their one-time attachment, we have to remember that something went wrong. Mo never, not once, considered taking Shelley back, and she offered. She wanted him to run for governor.”
“He’d be good at it.”
“Yes, but he doesn’t want that. What he wanted was to be a rancher and have a family. He wanted me, although it took him a while to admit to himself much less me.”
“Maybe I should have Mo over for dinner to talk to Holly. Then again, I can’t say she wants me. I could simply be the boy toy who cooks and cleans.”
“You’re being a boob, Tucker. That’s not like you.”
She was right, which only added to the pile of self-loathing. I was pathetic.
“My point is, the history is there, including the good, but the most recent is the bad. He left her on her wedding day. Holly is a kind and probably forgiving woman, but I don’t see anyone, even her, getting past that. Personally, I’d feel positive that she’s even said something to you about it.”
“I had to practically force it out of her.”
“Still, she told you the truth. The thing is, just because she’s struggling with it, doesn’t mean it’s a struggle between who to pick. Maybe there are other ramifications.”
I thought about Meredith and what would happen if she learned Rick was supposed to be Holly’s husband. What if it came out she didn’t get married, and therefore, she was being duped? In an instant, I felt like a jerk for making Holly’s reaction to Rick all about me.
“I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Sometimes, but mostly you’re a great person. Holly would be a fucking idiot to not see that.”
I felt better. Not perfect. Not secure. But better.
I’d told Holly I’d help her with Meredith and until she made a new plan, I’d continue to do that. That gave me time to win her over. A part of me resented having to do that. I wasn’t perfect, but I was a better man than Rick for sure. It shouldn’t be a contest about who could love her better.
“Thanks Brooke.”
“You’re welcome.” She slid her hand through my arm and we walked again. “I hope you’re not regretting moving here.”
“No. I love my work. My students are awesome. They’re hilarious and it’s so fun to watch them learn.”
“I’m glad. Now if we can just get your personal life all sorted, things would be perfect.”
“No truer words were ever said.”
22
Holly
After a few days, when Rick hadn’t shown up or called, I relaxed and decided he’d changed his mind. Perhaps when I hadn’t rushed into his arms and taken him back, he’d decided I wasn’t worth the effort after all. Interestingly, I felt more relief at that idea than pain.
Things had been a bit tense with Tucker for a little while after Rick’s visit, but slowly we’d fallen back into our routine. It helped that we could focus on school and the library project.
Halloween fell on a Friday this year, and Tucker and I, plus the sixth-grade teachers and a few parents hosted a dance/party for the kids after school. I always liked Halloween. I loved to see the creativity of parents and kids in costume making. I found the costume choices by the kids revealing. Often their choices were of characters they liked on TV, but some chose professions they liked. Others wanted to create the goriest creatures ever seen.
Tucker too seemed to be energized by Halloween. He dressed as a fireman and holy crap, he set my insides on fire when he came out of the bedroom that morning in his costume. He didn’t have the coat on yet, so he was in a t-shirt that showed off every line of his chest, and the big pants with suspenders. I wanted to shove those suspenders off his shoulders and drop to my knees to check out his hose. I laughed at myself for such silly thoughts, but Tucker brought that level of thinking out of me.
I decided to go as a vampiress. My dress wasn’t risqué. It had long lacy sleeves and the neckline wasn’t low, but it was a little snug round the curves. For a minute I considered changing although I wasn’t sure what I’d dress up as instead.
“You look great,” Tucker said.
“It’s not too sexy?”
His brow arched up. “Is that a real thing?”
I rolled my eyes. “For fifth graders?”
He shook his head. “All the sexy bits are covered.”
While I enjoyed Halloween at school, it was a more tiring day. Between the candy and the costumes, the kids were more active and talkative than usual. I always made an attempt to work Halloween into my lessons as a way to keep them focused. Fractions were done cutting pumpkin pies. Bobbing for apples was used as a lesson in density and floating.
At the end of the day, we set up the gym for the party, including more games and music for the kids who wanted to dance. In Salvation, all elementary activities were done after school, as opposed to evenings like the high schoolers did.
“I love Halloween, but it’s like the ADHD spirits get into them and make them nuts,” Tucker said as he met me in the gym.
“I agree.”
“So now what?” Tucker looked out over the gym. For the most part, the kids were in their groups ignoring the activities or dancing. The boys congregated on one side of the room, while the girls were on the other. “Oh hell no. Tell me these kids know how to have fun.”
I laughed. “They might need a little help.”
Tucker strode over to the area in which the music system played. There was also a microphone to help us bring order, or make announcements if needed.
He picked up the mic. “Is this a party or what?”
The kids all turned to him.
“I mean, come one, ladies and gentlemen, tell me you know how to have fun here in Salvation, Nebraska. We’ve got bobbing for apples over there.” He pointed to the corner where a parent was supervising the activity. “We’ve got eyeball pong, which is a little different from when I played cup pong it in college, but fun still. And you won’t feel bad tomorrow.”
He pointed to where another parent had ping pong balls with eyes painting on them and plastic cups.
I laughed and looked toward the other teachers to see if they caught his subtle reference to beer pong.
“Over there is pumpkin bowling, an
d next to it is the monster toss. Finally, we’ve got mummy making 101 in the far corner. And for those of you who like to boogie, you can dance. Tell me dancing is allowed in Salvation.”
“Let’s see your moves, Fireman Tucker,” Becky called out.
“Moves?”
The kids all called out for him to dance. Every school seemed to have a teacher like him. All the kids loved him. Most teachers admired him, even if they were jealous of his ability to engage kids in learning. I wondered how long he’d be able to hold on to this enthusiasm in his career. Most teachers I knew who started out full of energy and enthusiasm, slowly burned down. Not necessarily out, but by slow degrees, the energy waned. I hoped that never happened with him.
Tucker stepped away from the stereo system in a swagger that immediately had my blood pumping. He stopped, and while bouncing slightly, he moved his arms and hips in a way that made me want to jump him. Then he did a turn ending with his arms out in a ta-da motion.
The kids all whooped and cheered.
“I’m on fire,” Becky said. “Do you think fireman Tucker will extinguish it for me?”
I managed a smile, but inside I was pulling her hair and telling her to stay away from my man.
“Come dance with me, Ms. Dracula,” Tucker said to me.
I knew how to dance. In my younger days, like when I was Tucker’s age, I danced a lot. But it was one of those things that went by the wayside as life went on. So, I wasn’t sure I still had it in me.
“Come on,” he said with a cheeky grin. “You know you want to.”
I did, actually. I liked dancing.
Becky bumped me. “Go show him what you’ve got.”
Feeling self-conscious and yet wanting to be a good sport and show the kids how to join in, I stepped forward. I did a side-to-side body wave moving my hands slow up over my head. The music was fast, so the move wasn’t sensual, although the look in Tucker’s eyes suggested otherwise.
“Come on, don’t let the old fogie teachers have more fun than you,” Karen said into the mic. The kids all then dispersed to the games and some joined us on the dance floor.
Fake Marriage (Contemporary Romance Box Set) Page 74