A Past Forgiven

by Lorana Hoopes

  She paused and pursed her lips. Then her face lit up. “Here, I’ve got an example. My parents wanted a baby, but for some reason, they couldn’t conceive. One day, after praying with their pastor at church, they passed a woman heading into an abortion clinic. My mother blurted out to the woman that she wanted her baby, and the woman paused and turned to them. She told my parents she had been wrestling with the decision to have an abortion and had asked God for a sign not to do it. You see, my mother calling out to her was that sign, and my mother is a very shy person. Calling out like that wasn’t in her normal nature at all. That’s a pretty big coincidence, don’t you think?” Emily’s eyes danced as she finished the story.

  Jess didn’t know what to think, but she found herself wanting to believe it, to grasp onto something that might make sense in her messed-up life. “Were you that baby?”

  “I was,” Emily said.

  “Didn’t you ever hate your mother? I mean doesn’t it bother you that she didn’t want you?”

  Emily shook her head. “No, don’t you see? My mother thought she was trapped. She couldn’t afford to have a baby, and the man had left tread marks in his departure from her life when she told him she was pregnant, so she felt all alone. I’m one of the lucky ones. My mother wrestled with the decision and prayed about it rather than rushing into it, and God saw fit to send my parents into her path. If they hadn’t crossed paths that day, I wouldn’t be here today.”

  “Does your faith really give you peace?” Jess asked. Though peace seemed foreign with her stained past, the thought was appealing.

  “Yes, but just reading the Bible won’t give you peace if you don’t know Jesus. The peace comes from Him. Would you like me to tell you some about Him?”

  Something deep inside Jess screamed ‘yes,’ but her pragmatic mind still wouldn’t accept it. She felt the wall going back up. “No, I don’t have time for stuff like that. I just wondered why you spent so much time reading.”

  Emily stared a moment longer, then she shrugged and turned back to her book.

  “Hey, it’s Sunday, shouldn’t you be at church or something?”

  Emily glanced down at her watch and frowned. “Yeah, I should be. Jared should be picking me up soon, but I guess he’s running late.”

  “So that’s your kryptonite?”

  “Huh?” she asked.

  “Your weakness. Going places alone? I wondered what it was. You seemed so perfect, but I knew there had to be something.”

  Emily smiled. “Well, first off, I am not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be. I’m just trying to do God’s will, but yeah, walking alone into crowded places is pretty much my worst nightmare.”

  Jess regarded her for a second, feeling a little bad. “Well, I hope he shows up.”

  “You know, you could come with me,” she said.

  “I don’t do church.” Jess reached for her headphones. It was time to end this discussion.

  “Have you tried?” she asked. “Look, all I’m saying is that whatever you’re looking for, men probably can’t supply. But Jesus? He can heal any pain you’re feeling.”

  Jess snorted and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Jesus has never been there for me. I’ve always had to look out for myself.”

  “Have you ever asked Him?”

  She opened her mouth to reply but shut it again. A knock sounded at the door.

  “That will be Jared,” Emily said with a small sigh, “but I hope we can talk again soon.” Her voice held a hint of sadness, as if she were almost considering staying to finish the conversation, but after a final glance Jess’s direction, she grabbed her Bible and left.

  Jess glared ice at the closed door. Emily didn’t know her. But even as the words formed in her mind, she realized at least a bit of it was true. Jess didn’t have any close friends, and whenever loneliness struck, she did turn to men for comfort, though the comfort only stayed while the men were there. Still, that didn’t mean she was easy or whatever Emily had been implying.

  Jess flopped back on the bed, but the silence inched in on her. She tapped her fingers against the mattress and tried to think of something to take her mind off the loneliness. She had some homework; maybe she could do that.

  Pulling out her Psychology book, she opened it up to the chapter they were supposed to read, but the only thing popping up was Chad’s face. With a sigh, Jess slammed the book shut, rolled over, and fished Chad’s number out of the nightstand drawer.

  Want to meet up? She tapped the message in the phone but then paused, trying to decide if she really wanted to send it. Desperation never looked good on anyone and they had gotten together Friday and Saturday. Her finger hovered over the send button, and ever so stealthily it tapped send. No taking it back now.

  The seconds dragged on as Jess waited for the return bubble, and the screen timed out and darkened. With an agitated swipe, she turned it on again. How long did it take to reply? The phone beeped. Sorry, can’t right now popped up on the screen. Disgust boiled in Jess’s stomach, and she tossed the phone down. What good was a friend with benefits if he wasn’t available when she needed him? As the nervous energy built inside her, she paced back and forth in the room and decided she needed a smoke.

  Chad pushed the guilt away as he sent the text dismissing Jess. She was lonely and he knew it, but seeing her three days in a row felt like starting a relationship and he couldn’t do it. Besides, he needed to prepare for classes the next day.

  The Psychology class had a quiz coming up that he needed to write, but as he sat down at his desk, Jess’s face kept popping into his head. The sadness in her blue eyes and the feel of her skin against his plagued his mind. She reminded him of himself and he wondered what pain was in her past.

  He reached for his cell phone and paused. If he texted Jess, he would be sending her all the wrong signals. No, it could wait. He could wait, but he couldn’t deny he enjoyed being around her - more than he had any woman in the past two years.

  Placing the cell phone to the side, he turned back to the Psychology book, but his mind and his eyes wandered to the phone every few minutes. He wondered what Jess was doing. Ugh, he would never get his work done this way.

  Slamming the book closed, Chad grabbed his keys and headed out the door, deliberately leaving his phone on the desk. If he didn’t have it, he couldn’t be tempted to call Jess, but maybe a ride would clear his head enough to focus.

  Chapter 7

  "What is the matter with you?” Chad asked, propping himself up on his elbow and causing his biceps to bulge. Though he hadn't been available yesterday when Jess had texted, he had responded this morning, and offered to come over after class. Since she knew Emily would be in class, she agreed.

  His blue eyes stared down at her, expecting an answer she didn’t have. She should be into this. He was built like a god, and the light sheen of sweat glistening on his body made his muscles appear to ripple, but as Jess lay beneath him, all she could think about were Emily’s words - that men couldn’t fill the hole in her heart, but Jesus could.

  Jess shook her head as she looked back at Chad. He was handsome, but she knew nothing about him, other than he was a TA, rode a motorcycle, and stirred lustful emotions in her body. And while the immediate pleasure was nice, the void always remained when he left, and with it came the fear. Fear of pregnancy, fear of STDs, fear of labeling. Jess had been used for so long that her self-respect now depended on a man's attention. The worst part was it rarely even mattered which man.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, trying to clear the thoughts. “It’s just something my roommate said.”

  “The prude who walked in on us the other day?” He knitted his dark brows together. “Who cares what she thinks?” He leaned in to kiss Jess again, but her hand pushed him back. Her traitorous hand. What was it doing? She should let him kiss her and allow the pleasurable sensation to overwhelm her, but she couldn’t. Her mouth followed her hand’s actions, speaking without permission.

  “I know, it’s just... wha
t’s your favorite food?”

  “My favorite what? Never mind.” He pushed himself up, and his blue eyes bored into hers. His mouth opened as if to say something, then closed. With a shake of his head, he stood “This just got too real. I’m not looking for a relationship, just an easy hook-up. Call me again when you’re ready for that, otherwise, don’t call me.” He lumbered off the bed and pulled his clothes back on. After flashing one last incredulous look, he left the room.

  The emptiness crowded in worse than before as Jess retrieved her own clothes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did you do that? As she yanked on her shorts, hatred simmered in her stomach for Emily. She had been at peace with her life before Emily’s words dug in and took hold. Sure, it hadn’t been great, but she had learned how to cope with it. Why hadn’t she gotten the single she had asked for? If she had, this never would have happened. This was all that goody-two-shoes’s fault, and Jess wanted to make Emily pay.

  After pulling on her shirt, she glanced over at Emily’s side of the room. What could she do to her that would send Emily into a tailspin like she was in? She could tear down her pictures or deface them, but Emily would just get more. No, that was too easy; it needed to be something bigger, something that would hurt her more. Jess’s eyes landed on the Bible. If she tore it to pieces that would hit Emily; she was always reading the bloody thing.

  Stomping to the nightstand, Jess reached for the book, but a heat blazed against her hand. Jerking it back, she stared at the book, and her heart thudded in her chest. What was that? She had touched it before and felt nothing. Jess stepped away from the book and returned to her bed. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she stared at the black book that now held an unexplainable power and tried not to panic.

  I have to end this, Chad thought as he left Jess’s room. She’s getting attached. He knew the signs. He’d seen it in many of the girls over the last two years. Normally, this would be the time he would stop calling the girl, pretend to lose her number, and find another one. It’s what he should do with Jess, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t keep her piercing blue eyes and soft lips from re-entering his brain. He needed time away from her. Away from the feelings she was stirring in his heart.

  The best way he knew to do that was to find another woman. Someone he didn’t have feelings for. Maybe the bartender from Bruno’s he had met the other night. Though not his usual type, she was pretty and had seemed attracted to him.

  He was heading that direction when his phone rang. Pulling it out, he looked at the number. The area code was the same as his hometown’s but he didn’t recognize the number.

  “Hello?” he said, punching the button.

  “Hi, Chad, it’s Amy. Can you talk?”

  His heart dropped to his stomach. Amy had been Kyle’s girlfriend and a staple at their house before Kyle’s death, but Chad hadn’t spoken with her since the funeral. However, he knew she was still attending church with his parents and kept in touch with his mother.

  “I have studying and planning to do,” he said with a sigh, forgetting the blonde bartender. “What do you need?”

  “Actually, I think it might be something you need. Can you come home this weekend?”

  Chad avoided going home except for major holidays, summers, and when his mother begged him. Mostly it was to avoid memories of Kyle, but also it was because his parents always insisted on dragging him to church. Chad had given up God when Kyle’s casket was lowered into the ground.

  “Please. I think you need to see this,” Amy said when Chad hesitated.

  His curiosity got the better of him. “Fine. I’ll be there on Saturday.”

  “Whoa, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Emily said when she returned that afternoon.

  Jess looked at her and then glanced over at the Bible. “What’s in that book?” Though her voice sounded calm, her heart still beat erratically in her chest.

  Emily’s brow wrinkled, “What book?”

  “Your Bible.” Jess pointed, feeling eerily like the ghost of Christmas Future. Her hand trembled slightly.

  Emily crossed to the Bible and picked it up. “I’ve already told you. God’s instructions to help us live. Why?”

  “I wanted to destroy it,” Jess began mechanically.

  Emily’s eyes widened. “Why?”

  “You got in my head with your words and I may have ruined things with Chad because of it. I wanted to hurt you, but when I went to touch it, heat flared against my hand. What sort of voodoo magic is that?”

  “It’s not voodoo,” Emily sighed, shaking her head. “It was God. He’s trying to get your attention. He loves you, and he wants you to come home.”

  The words pierced Jess’s heart. “No one has ever loved me, and I don’t have a home any longer.” Tears pricked her eyes as images of the day she left home flooded into her mind:

  “Where do you think you’re going?” her mother asked, hands akimbo, brown hair wild and frizzy. The smell of alcohol radiated from her pores and her eyes couldn’t seem to focus.

  “I’m leaving,” Jess replied, shoving clothes into her large duffle. “I have to get away from him. I can’t stay here and watch him do to his own daughter what he did to me.”

  “What are you talking about? He’s been a great father to you since we married, and he’s taking care of us.”

  Jess’s knuckles whitened as she clutched the shirt she was packing even tighter. “No father should do to a daughter what he does, and the only thing he’s taking care of is your drug habit.”

  Her mother’s eyes narrowed as she stumbled across the room and slapped Jess’s face. “How dare you! Why would he even want anything from you? Look at yourself; you’re so ugly. And you’re always whoring around. Why would he want that?”

  Tears stung Jess’s eyes, both from the physical slap and from the emotional pain of the cutting words from the one person she thought loved her. “I can’t believe you would side with him over me. I only started sleeping around after my miscarriage. That baby was your husband’s by the way. But why should you believe me? I’m just your daughter.”

  “I don’t have a daughter,” her mother spat and faltered from the room, grabbing the walls to steady her gait.

  Jess let the tears flow as she finished shoving what she could in the big black bag. With a final glance around the room, she slung the bag on her shoulder and left the house she had called home for eighteen years.

  Emily pulled the desk chair around and sat in it facing Jess. “First off, I’m sure someone has loved you, even if it doesn’t often feel like it. Second, God has loved you forever. He knit you together in your mother’s womb, and he knew every hair on your head then and now. He sent his only son, Jesus, to die for your sins so you could spend eternity in Heaven with Him. So, you do have a home, a heavenly home, and even though you can’t go there now, one day you will get to see it in all its glory. Our life here on earth is so fleeting. It’s important to remember that even though life here will not always be what we expected, what’s coming next makes it worth it.”

  “Do you really believe that?” Jess asked. She wanted to believe—there had to be more to life than what she’d seen so far—but there had been so many hurts, so much pain.

  “With all my heart.” Her serious tone matched the intensity blazing out of her eyes.

  “I’ll think about it.” Jess rolled over and stared at the wall, but her mind replayed Emily’s words over and over again.

  Chapter 8

  Jess sighed as she stared at the empty room. Emily was out, probably with Jared and the rest of her group again. She had told Jess about the others over the last few days, and while she’d invited Jess along, Jess wasn’t sure she was ready to be immersed in Emily’s crowd yet.

  On top of that, Jess had been avoiding Chad all week, and he hadn’t called either. Her old habit would have been to go out to a club, pick up a handsome man, and bring him back home, but every time she dressed for that occasion, her stomach would clench up and Emily’s words would p
arade back through her head. Was God trying to get her attention?

  From across the room, the black book called out like a beacon in a storm. Would it shock her again? Running her palms down denim clad thighs, she pushed herself up from the bed and crossed to Emily’s nightstand. Jess’s hand hovered over the book, but no heat licked at it this time. Had she imagined it last time? Tentatively, she dropped a finger to the cover. Nothing. Gathering the last of her courage, she placed her palm flat on the cover and closed her eyes.

  A spark of light and the image of a cross filled her vision. Startled, Jess pulled her hand back and stared at the book. There was no pain, but why was she seeing visions? She had never seen visions before. Were they permanent? She held her breath and touched the book again. Nothing. No light, no cross, just the textured cover. Jess sat on Emily’s bed, pulled her knees to her chest, and opened the book, deciding to look towards the end this time.

  The red text jumped out at her. “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the father except through me.” She turned back a few pages. “For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Eternal life? Was this for real? Jess raised her brows but kept reading. “For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only son.” Was she condemned? More importantly, if she was, could she change her fate? A desire to learn all she could filled her soul, and Jess eagerly turned back to the book.

  The sound of the door opening interrupted Jess’s reading, and she slammed the book shut and replaced it on Emily’s nightstand. As she pushed herself up from the bed, she smoothed the comforter. Only a few wrinkles hinted at her intrusion on Emily's side, but Emily looked too preoccupied to notice.