A Past Forgiven

by Lorana Hoopes

  When he got back to his room, Chad pulled Kyle’s journal out of his desk drawer and sat down to read it again. His brother’s words had been so full of wisdom, and as he read over Kyle’s entries of dealing with his own temptation around Amy, Chad knew what he had to do.

  “Jesus? I know I wandered and thought I could do things my own way, but I realize I need you. Forgive me for sinning and help me to follow your ways now. Give me the strength to resist the physical temptation and show me how to be a man of God.”

  As he finished the prayer, Chad looked back down at the journal. At the bottom of the entry, Kyle had penned: Pray Unceasingly. Okay, God, Chad thought. I’ll pray and trust that you’ll show me the way.

  Chapter 15

  Jess stood outside the brick building trying to calm her heart. A gentle touch at her elbow caused her to turn to Emily who flashed an encouraging smile. “Thanks for coming with me.”

  “Of course,” Emily said and gestured to the door.

  Jess knew she had to go in, but her feet felt encased in cement, and her arm stuck like Velcro to her side. Taking this step would change her life forever, and she wasn’t sure she was ready.

  Emily held out her hand, and Jess managed to move her arm enough to grasp it. Emily pulled open the door with one hand and Jess forward with the other. Though slow, Jess’s feet stumbled forward, and she stepped onto the smooth floor.

  The foyer broke into several halls, and a large curved desk sat in the middle manned by two women. An ocean of beige carpet separated the girls from the desk, but Emily plowed forward, dragging Jess along.

  “Can I help you?” the woman to the left asked at their approach.

  Jess cleared her throat, hoping her voice would work better than her feet had so far. “Yes, I’m pregnant, and I wanted to speak to someone about help.”

  “Absolutely, you can have a seat over there”—she pointed to the waiting area just to the side—“and we’ll call you back as soon as we can. Also, I need you to fill out this paperwork.” She handed over a metal clipboard with several sheets of white paper attached, which Jess grasped tightly as she turned to the chairs.

  The chairs, upholstered in a blue fabric, formed two rows of ten chairs each. She plopped down in one of the empty ones on the first row, and Emily sat next to her. Clicking the back of the pen, Jess began to fill in the paperwork. Name, address, date of last period. It seemed to be a standard medical history form, and the monotonous scratching of the pen eased her nerves. After finishing the first side, she flipped it over. Questions of a different sort filled this side.

  Has anyone been adopted in your family? What kind of adoption would you like to have? Kind? There are different kinds? The questions continued, and Jess answered them the best she could. Yes, she would need help with medical care. No, she didn’t have family close by. Yes, the father knew. No, he wouldn’t fight the adoption. Or, at least she thought he wouldn’t. They hadn’t really discussed it much after the kiss.

  “Tara, it’s so good to see you,” Emily said. Jess looked up from the paperwork as Emily rose to greet a blonde girl about their age. The girl wore a loose fitting blue shirt and black pants. “I didn’t realize this was where you worked.”

  “Yep, ever since the day we spoke at the Students for Life office. I started answering phones, but I recently got a promotion, so now I get to start the process.”

  “That’s so amazing.”

  “Are you here with Jess Peterson?” Tara asked Emily, before glancing Jess’s direction.

  “Yes, she’s my roommate,” Emily said, then turned and made introductions.

  “Nice to meet you Jess. If you’ll follow me, we can talk in a more private room.”

  Jess stood, still grasping the clipboard like a flotation device in choppy water and followed Tara and Emily down a long grey hallway and into a tiny grey room. A small desk crowded one corner of the office. Two blue chairs, like the ones in the waiting area, sat across from the desk. Books filled a small bookshelf in the other corner, and pictures of parents holding a baby lined the wall behind the desk. Though packed full, the room felt cozy.

  “Did you unite all those families?” Emily asked, pointing to the wall as they sat down.

  Tara smiled, “No, I inherited this office and the pictures, but these three are mine. Or at least partially mine. I answered the phones on the day they called and got them to come in.” She pointed to the bottom three pictures.

  “So, how does this work?” Jess asked, interrupting. She hadn’t meant for the words to sound rude, but her nerves were on edge. She was here to give her baby away and that was tough to deal with.

  Tara recovered nicely and even flashed a smile. “Well, we’ll fill out a list of what you’d like in adoptive parents. We’ll get the paperwork started for the financial aspect, and you can look through the binder today if you’d like.”

  “Binder?” Emily asked.

  Tara pulled a large black binder to the center of the desk. “This is a listing of all the couples waiting to adopt in the near area. You can read all about them, see pictures, and decide if you like any of them. I suggest you pick five to six couples you like and then narrow it down from there. Of course, you can meet any of the couples you’d like as well.” With a swipe of the mouse, Tara brought the computer screen to life. “Okay, let’s get the basic questions out of the way. Do you care if the couple has other children?”

  Jess’s eyes were glued to the binder. Were the people who would adopt her baby in there?

  “Jess,” Emily poked her, and Jess’s head jerked up.

  “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

  “Do you care if the couple has other children?” Tara repeated patiently.

  “No, I don’t think it would matter.”

  “Okay, religion? Do you want them to be religious and do you have any specific religion?”

  “Just Christian is fine, but yes, that’s high on my list.” Though still learning about God herself, Jess wanted the baby to be in a loving, Christian home like Emily had grown up in.

  Tara clicked a few keys and continued to rattle off questions. There was so much involved in the process, and Jess wanted to finish so she could look through the binder. Finally, the questions were complete.

  “Do you have any questions for me?” Tara asked.

  “Does the binder contain pictures of the couples?” Jess’s fingers itched to open the cover and devour the pages.

  “Of course.” Tara turned the binder around. “This was my favorite part when I decided on adoption. Just a few more months to go.” She patted her belly, and Jess did a double-take. The idea that she was like Jess, young and unmarried, gave Jess hope that things would work out for her.

  “How is it going?” Emily asked.

  As Tara answered, Jess’s attention returned to the book. She touched the cover, suddenly unsure. What if none of the people called out to her? Swallowing her apprehension, she flipped open the cover.

  A nice-looking man and woman stared up at her. Beneath the picture, a bio of the couple and what they were looking for filled the page. Jess skimmed it before turning the page. Another couple, blonde. Another, brunette. The couples seemed so similar, and there were so many of them. How would she ever decide?

  As Jess continued to flip through the pages, she found it easier to eliminate couples than to pick couples. She didn’t want the parents to smoke; she wanted a two parent household; some education was a must, but by the time she reached the end of the binder, Jess still wasn’t sure.

  “Did you find a few you liked?” Tara asked.

  Jess bit her lip and shook her head. “I don’t know. Do I have to decide right now?”

  “Of course not,” Tara said with an encouraging smile. “You can think about it and come back and look through the binder whenever you’d like or if you have a list of items you know are necessities or deal breakers, I can run it through the system and send you potential candidates.”

  “Okay,” Jess said.
“What about the father? Does he have a say? Should I be asking him?”

  Tara’s forehead furrowed, and she looked from Emily to Jess. “Is he in the picture? I only ask because usually they aren’t, so I just assumed.”

  “Um, he’s not, I guess. I mean we’re together, I think, but he said he wasn’t ready to raise a baby. I simply wondered if he had a legal say in any of this.”

  “Only if he decides to fight the adoption,” Tara said. “Otherwise, it’s pretty much your decision as long as he signs the papers. Of course, if you are together, you’re welcome to bring him in and have him look with you. Maybe his perspective will help you decide.”

  Jess nodded, trying to process all the information. Suddenly, she was no longer sure of anything. “Can I take time to think about it?”

  “Absolutely,” Tara said. “We have the process started which is the important thing. You can come make changes whenever you’d like. We are here to help you.”

  “It was good to see you again,” Emily said to Tara as the girls stood to leave. “I’m so glad things seem to be working out for you.”

  As the two walked out of the office, Jess couldn’t help but wonder if things would work out for her.

  Chad stared at the bouquet of red roses in his hands and smiled. He had no idea if Jess even liked flowers, but what woman didn’t like roses? And if she hated them, then perhaps she would at least appreciate the gesture.

  He rapped gently on her door and waited for it to swing open.

  “Oh, Chad, they’re beautiful,” Jess said as the door opened, and her eyes landed on the flowers. “But, I have no place to put them.” Her brow furrowed as she turned to survey the room.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll see what I can find,” Jess’s roommate said as she rose from her bed and took the flowers from Jess. Chad would have to find out her name again.

  “So, where are we going?” Jess asked as she took his arm.

  “You’ll see.” Chad led the way to his motorcycle parked downstairs and handed her the spare helmet. When he was sure Jess was secure behind him, he fired up the bike and headed toward his favorite park.

  As the air was cooling the closer it got to winter, Chad had packed a few blankets along with the food in his saddlebags and told Jess to wear a coat. Her jacket looked old and worn though, and he made a mental note to purchase her a nice leather one soon, especially if she would be riding with him more often.

  “So, you once asked me what my favorite food was,” he said after turning off the engine and removing his helmet. “I thought instead of just telling you, I would share it with you.” He swung off the bike and helped her down before grabbing the supplies from the saddlebags.

  “I can’t believe you remember that,” she said with a soft smile. “I thought as fast as you got out of there that you wouldn’t remember my silly question.”

  He returned her smile. “I may have behaved badly, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t listening. Now, I am not a great cook, so I have to admit that I got this to go. I hope it’s still warm enough.”

  “I’m sure it will be fine.”

  Chad led the way to a large tree that still had some of its leaves and spread the blanket out underneath. Then he opened the boxes he had picked up from Carino’s and handed one to Jess. “Chicken Alfredo. That’s my favorite food. Along with French Bread and pretty much anything Italian.”

  “I love Italian too,” Jess said with a smile.

  Chad liked seeing that smile on her face and he decided he would do his best to keep it there.

  Chapter 16

  The next Psychology class was hard to sit through. Chad’s eyes kept wandering to Jess’s, and she felt like everyone in the class could tell they shared a secret. As the class ended, Chad kept glancing her direction as he packed up and Jess felt sure he would call her down or come up to her, but before he could, a body blocked her line of sight.

  She knew before her eyes even reached his face that it was Randall. His plaid shirts were his trademark, and today he wore a blue and green plaid button down.

  “Can I walk you to math?” he asked.

  Discreetly, Jess leaned to the left as she grabbed her bag and glanced down to the front of the room, but Chad was gone.

  Disappointment washed over her, but she knew she’d be seeing him later. “Sure, that would be fine,” she said and followed Randall out the door.

  It was mid-October. A chill had descended this week, making the air outside cooler than normal. Jess shivered as the cold seeped through her jacket. Pulling up the collar, she stepped a little faster. Randall matched her pace.

  “So, I know you usually do a Bible study on Friday nights,” he said, “but I was wondering if you’d like to go to a movie with me this weekend.”

  “I’d like to, Randall, but I’m kind of seeing someone.”

  Though his face fell slightly, he nodded. “Oh, yeah, of course you are. I should have known that.”

  Jess’s heart went out to him. He was nice, and he deserved someone. But even if she had been single, she felt no emotions that way toward Randall.

  “What was with the guy cornering you after class?” Chad asked Jess that evening as they sat together in the cafe of his dorm.

  “Randall?” she asked after she finished chewing the French fry she had just stuck in her mouth. “He wanted to ask me out.”

  “What did you say?” Chad asked, trying to keep the jealousy he was feeling from showing in his voice.

  “I told him I was seeing someone,” she said, picking up another fry. A feeling of relief doused his jealousy, but it was short lived as Jess continued, “That brings up a good question though. Should I stay in your class now that we’re dating? I mean what if someone finds out and claims special treatment or something?”

  Chad hadn’t thought about that aspect of it. There was probably some policy against dating students. “Yeah, you might have to change classes, though it will be so much harder teaching without seeing you there every day.”

  “You’ll still see me every day,” she said with a smile.

  “I know, but it isn’t quite the same.”

  “Ooh, hey, do you want to come to the Bible study Friday night? You can meet the rest of Emily’s friends.”

  “I’d love that,” Chad said. Three weeks ago, going to a Bible study would have made him cringe or run the other direction. However, after re-dedicating his life to God, he found he wanted to do anything and everything he could to learn more.

  “Good.” Jess popped another fry in her mouth and smiled.

  Chapter 17

  As the days went on, Jess threw herself into studying the Bible and praying. Even though she was dating Chad, the need to discover herself echoed continually at the back of her mind. She'd gone from being abused to using and being used and was just now figuring out how to be useful to God. Of course, the child growing inside her complicated that, but still she felt… free.

  She no longer slept until noon. Her mornings began at nine with a healthy breakfast and silent time with the Lord. After that, she would head to class - Psychology was a lot less interesting now that she'd switched out of Chad’s class, but at least she still saw him most evenings.

  After classes, her job at the Student Union filled the remaining afternoon hours. It had been a godsend, giving her money for food and her phone, which was getting a lot more use now that she had friends. Plus, the monotonous work gave her time to reflect and pray.

  As she finished for the evening, she shrugged on her coat. Fall in Texas was unpredictable, and the last few days had felt more like the early tinges of winter than late November.

  Her stomach growled as she stepped into the cool, crisp air. Instinctively, she placed her hand on her belly. There had been no discernible movement yet, only strange fluttering sensations that often caused her to pause.

  “Are you all right?”

  Jess would have known his voice anywhere. Her eyes lifted from her abdomen to Chad, clad in jeans and his trademark black
leather jacket, and she smiled. He held a wrapped box in his hands.

  “Is it the baby?” he asked, his eyes dropping to Jess’s midsection, but not with his usual smolder. This time concern colored his gaze.

  “Yeah, but you can’t feel the movements from the outside yet. It’s just a weird fluttery sensation in my stomach. It’s hard to explain, but it's a little like butterflies flying around in there.”

  He looked at her, a strange expression on his face. “Do you” - he shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced down at the ground before meeting her eyes again - “Do you ever think about keeping it? The baby, I mean.”

  “All the time, but we’re so young, Chad. I don’t know if it would be best for the baby.”

  “Oh. Yeah, you’re probably right. Have you picked parents yet?”

  Jess shook her head. She hadn’t even gone back to the adoption center since the first visit. She knew she needed to, but something kept her from being able to finish the adoption process. “What’s in the box?” she asked, switching the path of the conversation. She needed more time to think about the adoption before she could really discuss it. Even with him.

  His eyes lit up. “Oh, it’s for you,” he said, holding it out to her. “It’s a one-month present, and my way of apologizing that I have to work over most of break and can’t take you home to meet my family.”

  Jess smiled as she took the box. She'd been disappointed when Chad told her he had to work over Thanksgiving break and would only be going home for Thanksgiving Day. Jess stated she wouldn’t mind being alone the other days, but Chad insisted he wouldn’t be able to work knowing she was all alone. Thankfully, Emily offered to take Jess to her home. That was a nice second choice though she hoped she would get to meet Chad’s family soon.

  She tore into the paper and opened the box to find a smart, black leather jacket similar to Chad’s.