by Kelly, A. S.
Casey slips her tongue inside my mouth, searching for my own, and steals me away; she takes me into the unknown, plunged into total darkness. The kind of darkness that will suck away my whole life, as soon as she realises the huge mistake she’s made, offering me the privilege of having her, of being her first. Because I know full well that I’d be her first – she doesn’t even need to say it. I know she’s never been with anyone, and God only knows how much I want to be that guy for her, but what then? What’s left?
I pull suddenly away from her and she blinks, confused. Then I do the only thing I’m good at: being a dick.
“What is this, some sort of goodbye present?” I say, flaunting one of my most painful smiles.
“What…?” she says, confused.
“What are we doing, Casey?”
“I… We…” her confidence vanishes in an instant.
I move away from her and lie, hoping that I’m being convincing. “You know what I’m like. I’m leaving tomorrow. Do you really want this? Come on. It makes no sense.”
The light in her eyes has disappeared, replaced by confusion, darkness and maybe hate: I let myself become imprisoned in her gaze, with no way out.
Come all ye lost… Dive into the moss… I hope that my sanity covers the cost… To remove the stain of my love.
“It was just a way to celebrate.”
She says it convincingly, as if she really believed it; but I hear something else, something that she’s keeping to herself, but that throws itself against me, trying to destroy me.
Something that really fucking hurts.
“I know you’re leaving tomorrow. It wouldn’t have meant anything. Absolutely nothing. We’re friends.”
“Exactly.”
I gather up all of my strength and turn back, hoping that one day she’ll forget this, or be able to forgive me. I know I could never forgive myself: not even if I came back in another life, as someone else.
This is love, this is porn… God will forgive me… But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn.
“Sometimes this happens between friends.”
“But not this time.”
“Apparently not,” she says, sliding away from me. She swims into the centre of the pool, then turns back to look at me.
And I already know it’ll be the last time she does.
“I’m going to do a few lengths, okay? I need to sober up before I go home. If I don’t see you…have a safe journey, and call me whenever you’re back.”
I nod, but I can’t respond. I don’t think I could lie to her again. I haul myself out of the pool and gather my clothes, dressing myself hurriedly and heading towards the door. I look back once more to see Casey swimming, unaware of the fact that I’m about to leave and will probably never come back.
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me… Hear if you’re gonna live without me… I wanna hear what you want… What the hell do you want?
“Casey?” I call her and she stops, next to the side. “I’ll come back one day,” I tell her, because, at that moment, I really need to say it: more for myself than for her.
I need to believe it.
She doesn’t respond. She just floats there, in the middle of the pool, staring at me, her breathing heavy from swimming. Her mouth is half-immersed in the water, her face dripping and her eyes rimmed in red – and not just from the chlorine.
She floats there, believing my lie, seeking out the hope in my words; I know that’s what she’s doing. She doesn’t need to say it.
And then her incredible eyes call to me, telling me the last thing they should say, and something I never wanted to hear.
That she’ll be here, waiting for me.
26
Nick
Present day
Ian opens Ryan’s front door to me. I look at him, surprised, and check I’m at the right house.
“You’re right where you need to be, Nick.”
“What are you doing here?”
“What do you think?” He looks at me condescendingly.
“God, Ryan, did you actually do it?”
Ryan appears behind Ian. “I told you, didn’t I? We can’t waste any time. Grab a beer and come into the living room.”
I do as he says and sit on the armchair, as the two of them take their places side-by-side on the sofa.
“We were just making a plan,” he says, pen in hand.
“A plan…”
“Exactly. How to get a woman in five easy steps: the complete edition for total dickheads.”
“Do you have to?”
Ryan shrugs.
“You know that I’m perfectly capable of getting women, right? I’ve never had any problems with girls.”
“Maybe not with the ones you’re used to going out with, but we’re talking about Casey. Two magazine covers aren’t going to impress her, and neither is your apartment, or your huge car, or your stupid jokes, or…”
“Okay, okay, I get it.”
“We’re talking about feelings, Nick. Do you think you can handle it?” Ian’s winding me up, like he used to be any better up until recently.
It’s fine for those two. Now they’re settled and happy, they think they can point the finger at the one poor brother who’s left.
“Why do you guys care so much? It’s none of your business anyway…”
Ian bursts out laughing.
Okay. So this is how it works in this family: everyone sticks their nose into everyone else’s business, trying to help, but they actually end up leaving a trail of irreparable damage.
“We’ve been watching you do this for years, and we’re getting tired of it,” Ian says.
“Of what?”
They glance at each other quickly, before Ryan proves to me how much more mature he really is than me. Even though it’s impossible to believe.
“We don’t like seeing you alone, Nick. And you are alone.”
He’s a bastard. And I hate him.
“No one deserves to be alone, Nick. Especially not you. Isn’t that what you said to me a few years ago?”
They’re both bastards. I hate them both.
“I say a lot of stupid shit…”
“True. But sometimes you also say the right thing. It doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen.”
Great. The one time I do something good, it comes back to bite me.
“And we remember that night,” Ryan adds.
That night. The night of this whole disaster. The night I took that wrong turn, leading me down a path where I lost the only thing I had.
The night I left Casey in that fucking pool, I called my brothers to come and pick me up at the side of the road. I lost my mind, almost threw everything away just to stay. To tell her that I was the biggest dickhead she’d ever met, and that, if she’d wanted me to, I’d have been her dickhead. No one else’s. Because the moment Casey Madigan appeared on that rugby pitch with her dad for afternoon training, in her team kit that was a little too big for her, with her huge, beautiful eyes and her quick tongue, I realised I never wanted to lay my eyes on anyone else. She was only seventeen, and I was twenty-three, but I already knew. Some things are obvious right away, even to an idiot like me; but sometimes being an idiot leads you further from that thing, makes you refuse it, try to destroy it before you can build anything from it.
And that’s exactly what I did.
We were friends, partners in crime, midnight runaways.
We were everything, but, to me, it seemed like nothing at all.
A lie, that’s what we really were. A beautiful lie that we kept telling ourselves, because the truth was too terrifying.
“What should I have done? Stayed? Thrown away the only opportunity I had? For what? For nothing, to delude her with a life she could never have had with me? If I’d turned down that offer, it would’ve been the end for me, and you know it.”
“You’d have found another way, Nick,” Ian says.
“I tried and tried for years, and nothing ever
happened. And when I got that phone call…I thought it might be the only way to make something of my life, other than a career as a kids’ birthday party clown. I was twenty-five, with no experience behind me – and, Christ, she was only nineteen! She was still just a little girl!”
“But from what it seems, that ‘little girl’, as you put it, already knew what she wanted.”
Ryan sticks his whole arm into the wound with his unparalleled tact.
“I can’t believe I’m talking to you guys about this.”
“Well, we’ve grown up now. I think we should…open ourselves up a little more. Don’t you think?” Ian gives a half smile.
“And let’s be honest: we want you out from under our feet. And you’ll never leave us alone unless you have a life of your own.” Ryan continues his display of affection.
“So what should I do? If there’s anything I can do…”
“He’s finally starting to see reason,” Ryan claps his hands. “We’ve already come up with a plan.”
“I’m listening.”
“Step one: get rid of that fucking surgeon.”
Ian bursts out laughing, and I start to regret ever setting foot in this house, and telling Ryan everything out loud. I wish I’d let him kill me when he had the chance. Then I could’ve avoided all this.
“Do you really think that’s necessary?” I ask, not sure I want to hear the other steps.
“It’s fundamental. Trust me. You’ve got no hope with a doctor getting in the way.”
“And how do we get rid of him?”
“We’ll get there in a minute.”
“Tell him step two,” Ian presses.
“Step two: get rid of Dr Dickhead.”
“Ryan…” Ian scoffs impatiently.
“What?” he asks innocently, as if he hadn’t just tried to cut Martin, Evan’s dad, out of the picture. “While we’re here, we could kill two birds with one stone.”
“Martin isn’t Nick’s problem; he’s yours. If you want to get rid of him, do it on your own time.”
“And don’t forget that we need him.”
I turn suddenly, trying to make out the new voice that’s piped up, and see Evan coming down the stairs.
“What are you doing here?”
“I live here?”
“Yeah, but…”
“He couldn’t miss all this,” Ryan explains.
Evan perches next to me on the arm of the armchair. “I think it’ll be useful for me. At least I know never to come to any of you lot for help.”
“You can always go to your daddy instead,” Ryan shoots back, offended.
“What problems could you have, anyway?” I ask him.
“Mate, have you seen me?” Evan gets to his feet, gesturing to his physique with one hand.
Ryan’s having a terrible influence on this kid. It’s already ruining him.
“Can we keep going?” Ian interjects.
“Okay, we’ll deal with Martin later. Maybe when we don’t need him anymore. Let’s skip to step three: convincing her that you’re not an arsehole,” Ryan goes on.
“That’s going to be impossible,” Ian interrupts.
“Thanks.”
“Step four: make her fall in love with you again.”
“Again? Who said she ever was in the first place?”
“Jesus, Nick, how thick are you?” Ian stands up and starts to pace around the living room. “What do you think we’re doing here?”
I look at him, concerned.
“We’re trying to repair all your damage,” Ryan says. “At least cooperate.”
I sigh, exasperated.
“Step five: build a life for yourself and get you out from under our feet.”
“Don’t forget the footnote,” Ian says, pointing to the sheet of paper in front of them.
“Ah, yeah. Footnote: don’t ruin everything like you always do.”
“Was that really important?”
“More important than any of the other steps.”
“I can’t believe I’m sitting here listening to this crap.”
“You’re here, bro. That means you must be really desperate.”
He’s not wrong.
“Before we throw ourselves into this latest O’Connor project, I want to just remind you of something, Nick,” Ian is suddenly serious. “We need her. She’s Dad’s physio, the only one he likes. Don’t make her run away: got it?”
“Don’t worry, O’Connors,” Evan says. “If Nick fails – which is very likely – I’ll get her back into the family.”
“You…what?” Ryan asks, one eyebrow raised.
“No one’s running away,” I say, convincingly; because I won’t let it happen. “And Evan, try to stay away, or your career won’t even get started. Got it?”
“What’s wrong, O’Connor – don’t you like a little competition?” he challenges.
“Fuck, Ryan, what have you done to this kid?” I turn to my brother.
“I didn’t do anything. He was already like that. Runs in the family, I guess.”
“Can we get back to what’s important here, please?” Ian interrupts us. “When shall we get started on this?” He bounces up and down, excitedly. Apparently, the thought of getting involved in my business, turning my life upside-down and leaving a trail of shit is making him giddy.
“Right now. Stupid question,” Ryan responds.
“Right now?” I ask, worried.
Ryan glances at his watch. “In this very moment.”
“Come on, you’re making us late,” Evan urges, dragging us all to our feet.
“Late for what? And are you coming too?”
“He didn’t want to miss the plan in action. Besides, he’s helping us out,” Ryan explains.
“Does this mean you’ve told him…everything?”
“It’s part of his training.”
“Sure,” Evan interjects. “Now I know exactly what not to do. Which reminds me, Nick. Really? You left her there because you were scared?”
“I wasn’t scared!”
“But she was standing in front of you naked, man. Naked!”
“I can’t have this conversation with you. You wouldn’t get it. You weren’t there.”
“If I was there, no one would’ve been left on their own, you can be sure about that.”
“You little shit…”
“You were and always will be a loser.”
“Hey, hey. Calm down. Evan, keep your libido in check, and Nick, you need to save your strength for tonight. We have no idea if this’ll go well for you.”
“Why? What are we doing?” I ask, panicking by this point.
Ryan smiles knowingly, like only he knows how. It’s one of those smiles that promises a world of shit.
“You’ll see.”
27
Casey
I thank the waiter who showed me to my table, and take a seat opposite my date, who’s finally chosen a different restaurant. Not that I don’t love Italian food, but I was starting to get tired of the same old dinners. I’m hoping that this change also means a change in rhythm. Maybe tonight there’ll be something after dinner, too.
We’ve come to one of the steakhouses in the city centre, Shanahan’s, opposite St Stephen’s Green. It’s modern and intimate, and it has the best meat in the whole of Dublin.
“I love meat,” I say to my handsome surgeon, before taking a sip of the wine I’ve just been served.
“It’s probably best not to eat too much,” he comments. His usual, super-healthy, doctor’s response.
“I eat it every day,” I say, trying to defend myself.
“Well, you’re still young. But you should start thinking about introducing less carcinogenic foods into your diet.”
Carcinogenic? Meat?
I throw back my entire glass of wine, trying to drown out the words I want to scream in his face.
“Another one?” The waiter notices my empty glass right away.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Wine, as well, you know. Everything in moderation…”
Oh, my God. I’m really about to start screaming now.
By way of response, I order the biggest steak on the menu, cooked rare – actually, almost still mooing – just to spite the wonderful surgeon sitting across the table from me, who’s just started glaring daggers at me. I tell the waiter to just leave the bottle of wine on the table. I’ll need it.
There you go, my darling surgeon. This is Casey Madigan: never try to tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat.
Luke shakes his head, trying not to comment. It’s probably for the best, or instead of leaping at him to rip his clothes off, I’ll want to wrap my hands around his throat and suffocate him.
He takes a few bites of his healthy vegetables, when his phone starts to ring on the table. I already hate the fact that he leaves it on the table, so when he answers on the third ring without any apology or explanation, steam starts to shoot from my ears.
“Sure, I understand,” he says, with a glance that tells me he’s about to leave me here on my own. “I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
He hangs up then looks up at me.
“You have to go,” I say.
“It’s an emergency.”
“But you’re not on call.”
“No, but they called me, and I can’t say no. It’s my job.”
“Sure,” I say, sinking my second glass of wine in one gulp.
“Do you reckon you can make your own way home?”
“I’m not a baby, Luke. I’m perfectly capable of calling a taxi.”
“Great,” he says, before planting a quick kiss on my cheek and dashing out of the restaurant, just as the waiter is bringing our food over.
“And your date?” he asks, probably having noticed the way he ran out of the restaurant.
“Here I am! Sorry I’m late.”
His warm voice blankets my whole body, provoking an orgasm of emotions in places I didn’t even know existed.
“You? What…?”
His arrogant, sexy, I’m going to show you the time of your life smile tells me that this isn’t just a strange coincidence.