by Kim Karr
Each word I spoke came out jagged and sharp, and I hated every moment of it.
“I don’t.”
“You do, Jace. You do everything you can to avoid being alone with me unless your pants are down.”
He recoiled.
It was true.
“It’s just…” He shrugged, and looked a little helpless. He scrubbed at his face, and then looked back. “I’m working on things.”
I shook my head. “You’re not though. Not really.”
“Don’t do this, Hannah. Not now. Not again.”
I stepped back, and my stomach felt sick. “It’s not the same, Jace. Not at all.”
“I just need some time.”
“And so do I.”
His breath hissed out. “Fine, it’s not the same, but look at me, Hannah, and tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”
I did look at him. “I do have feelings for you. You know that, and that makes this so much harder.”
“Then how can you just walk away?”
I lifted my chin. “Because feelings aren’t the issue. Trust is. And I don’t trust you. Not with your own feelings, and definitely not with mine.”
He recoiled as if I’d slapped him. “Christ, Hannah, I lost my wife, and I’m trying to deal with the guilt of being with you the best way I can. How do you not get that?”
Tears that had long ago welled in my eyes, now fell. “I do get that, Jace, but I can’t be the before and after. I won’t be.”
“No one is asking you to!”
I swiped at my tears. “You are, and you can’t even see it. We don’t go out in public together because you’re afraid someone might think that you have moved on. And tonight is the perfect example. You hardly even talked to me.”
He was shaking his head.
That didn’t stop me. “Tonight aside, you hardly talk about anything unless it’s work or the kids because you’re afraid it will lead to feelings, which will again lead to your wife.”
“Late wife,” he scowled.
I couldn’t do this anymore. “The bottom line Jace, is, I’m your fuck buddy, and I can’t be that anymore. It’s not fair to me. I want someone who loves me. Not someone who sees me as a before and after. And you know what, I deserve that.” I broke down. “I deserve that,” I said again.
Everything about him went hard. “So what, you’re just going to turn your back on me, again?”
“No, Jace,” I said softly, “I’m ending things so you won’t have to.”
And then I turned and started down the street.
He didn’t follow.
And I didn’t expect him to.
After all, he knew I was right.
33
Present Day
Jace Bennett
Parties were always a downer.
Birthday parties. Graduation parties. New Year’s Eve celebrations. They all sucked. All they ever did was make me unhappy. And the trend just kept going.
I was sitting on the old couch in Ethan’s basement when he walked in the back door. I’d sent him after Hannah to get Jonah and drive them home.
“She get home okay?” I asked him.
He flopped on the chair beside me. “Yeah, she was pretty upset.”
“She wouldn’t listen to me,” I said.
His sigh was harsh. “Look man, I’m going to give it to you straight.”
I shook my head. “Save the spiel. Your wife already gave it to me. About how Tricia would want me to move on. To have someone in Scarlett’s life who loves her. To love someone else.” I shot my gaze at him. “It doesn’t make my feelings for Hannah any easier, or any more right.”
Ethan was shaking his head now. “No, man, I’m not going to feed you what you already know. I’m going to tell you what I should have told you ten years ago.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Come again?”
He stood and pointed his finger at me. “You heard me. I should have told you to grow the fuck up ten years ago, but I didn’t. So now I’m going to tell you to wake the fuck up.”
“Fuck you,” I spit out, and got to my feet.
“No, Jace, fuck you. Fuck you and all the shit you keep bottled inside. Fuck you and your poor Jace routine. Let me tell you something, brother, you aren’t the only one who had a tough childhood.”
“Fuck. You!” I roared again.
He lunged for me and his fist connected with my jaw.
I hit the floor and glared up, stunned. Ethan was standing over me, rubbing his fist. He’d never done anything remotely close to that before. So much for the more lover than fighter he had once been. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Fury blazed in his eyes. “Wake the fuck up, Jace. Either you love her and you tell her so, or you’re just using her. If that is the case then you have to let her go.”
It wasn’t like I was going to go after him and hit him back, but fuck, I was thinking about it. I also knew I’d crush him and then feel like shit.
He took a cautious step back as if he knew what I was thinking. “Is that what you’re doing, Jace? What you’ve always done with her? Are you using her?”
Crawling backward on my elbows to keep from pounding him, I found the couch and hoisted myself onto it. “I love her,” I shouted.
The fighter was rubbing his fist with his other palm. “Then why haven’t you told her that?”
Falling back on the cushion, I rubbed my jaw. “I don’t know.”
With a glare that looked almost lethal, he started toward me. “You don’t know, or you don’t want to admit why?”
Feeling so tired of fighting it, I found it a welcome relief to put all my shit out there. “Because I loved Hannah before and I love her after. Fuck, I don’t think I ever stopped loving her. And what does that say about Tricia?”
Flopping onto the couch beside me, he looked over at me. “First, man, I have to admit that I should have walked away.”
I gave him a curious look.
“In college. I knew you and Hannah were in love and that I was just in the way. I wanted to back down, but I was waiting for you to stand up and realize she was what you wanted. What you needed. Shit, I couldn’t have been any more direct, leaving you two alone together so much.”
“You did that on purpose?”
He just shook his head. “Yeah, I did. In fact, I was going to talk to you about it, but then your grandmother showed up, and everything went to hell.”
That he had right. “It sure did.”
“You should have fought harder to for her back then, Jace. Don’t make that same mistake again. And man, I have to tell you, you’re wrong about your feelings.”
Still reeling from his admission, I gave him another curious look. “In what way?”
“You might not want to hear this, but you’re a man with a big heart.”
I rolled my eyes. “Are you even being serious right now?”
“Shit, Jace, loving Hannah doesn’t have to mean you loved your wife any less. You know you loved her. She knows you did. We all know you did. But, she’s gone, and by some miracle the girl you let get away wants you back. I don’t know, but I think that’s fate.”
I eyed him. “Who the hell are you?”
He shrugged. “Hey, I’ve grown up a lot, too.”
Was it any wonder he wasn’t that far off the mark. “So what do I do about Hannah? She says she doesn’t trust me with my own feelings and she sure as shit can’t trust me with hers.”
“Whoa, she said that?”
I nodded. “Not the shit part, but the rest.”
“Figured that,” he grinned. “I’ll tell you what I’d do.”
Here it comes. “What is that?”
“I’d put on your big boy pants and prove her wrong. Prove. Her. Wrong.”
I wanted to shake my head at him, but he had a point. “How the fuck am I going to do that?”
His grin grew wider. “Grand gestures, man, they work every time.”
He was an idiot.
&nbs
p; Grand gestures, I thought.
Maybe he wasn’t an idiot.
Grand gestures.
Hmmm…
A grand gesture.
Just one.
And I knew just the thing. But right now I had a score to settle. I reached my hand out. “Thanks, man.”
Ethan took it. “Anytime, you know I think of you like a brother.”
That’s when I twisted his arm and wrestled him to the floor. He fought as best he could. Rolling and kicking, but in the end he never was a fighter. I pinned him.
“You’re a mother fucker,” he said with a grin.
Yeah, that seemed to be the general consensus lately…but there was only one person I really cared about turning that opinion around.
And she was the very first girl I ever loved.
Too bad I’d never told her.
It might have made wooing her back a little less impossible.
34
Present Day
Hannah Michaels Crestfall
The black-tie affair was mandatory for all Flirt employees, but the blue satin dress I had selected with its high slit up the thigh was not.
Most of the girls from the office had told me they were wearing black. I opted for what the sales clerk had told me was the new black, which in this case was a deep navy blue.
Trendsetting had nothing to do with it. Jace had loved the color blue on me when we attended Michigan State. He said it made my eyes look the hottest of summer nights. Rather poetic for a man who had no idea the word romantic was a part of the English language.
Wanting to look sophisticated, I curled my hair and arranged it in an elegant upsweep, allowing a few pieces to fall loosely around my head. On the makeup front, I kept it light, except for the mascara, which I generously combed on my lashes to make my eyes pop. I had also purchased a new red lipstick, again because the sales girl told me that was also the current trend, and drew it on my lips sparingly.
Normally I couldn’t have cared less about what was in style, but tonight I wanted to feel like I belonged in that dress. At that party. It was stupid, I knew, and yet I did it anyway.
For him?
Or for me?
I didn’t know.
Not that I was going to pay any attention to him. I mean why would I? I had said terrible things to him, and although I regretted most of them, it had helped us keep a comfortable distance.
It needed to stay that way.
He was a man of his word, though. At work he talked to me about work related items, but neither of said anything about what had happened.
It was better that way.
With winter break underway though, and vacations coming up, I wouldn’t be seeing him every day, and that made me feel sad.
Still, that wasn’t why I put all I had into making myself look beautiful.
I did it for me.
Not him.
This was the first time I was home alone in a long time, and with a more than steady paycheck and extra money in the bank, I decided to spend the Saturday shopping.
My mother had driven down yesterday from Grand Haven to take Jonah back to her new house for the week. She no longer worked for the Crestfalls, but had found a new job. She’d taken the week off. The plan was that I would drive up on Christmas Eve and spend the week with her. I had taken the following week off of work. That way she got to spend two weeks with Jonah.
I looked at myself in the reflection of the glass.
The dress was definitely wow worthy. With the aid of my high heels, I had more than enough height to carry off the long dress with the daring slit.
However, getting myself ready had taken longer than I anticipated, and I was running behind schedule.
The event was being held at The Berkshire Room, and as I walked in, I was struck by its swankiness immediately. It was obvious this place catered to an upscale clientele.
The late entrance I made seemed to go unnoticed, except by one of the cute waiters who offered me a glass of champagne as soon as I stepped in the club. I gladly took it and said, “Thanks.”
“No problem. Any time.” He smiled and gave me a nod.
There was a gleam of interest in his eyes, and I knew I had made the right choice with the dress I had selected.
Crystal flute in hand, I brought the bubbling liquid to my lips and allowed myself to smell the faint scent of white flowers and hints of orange peel and wild berries before I took my first sip.
Most people say champagne doesn’t have a smell, to me it does, and it’s one I have always admired.
After breathing it in, I tipped the glass back and the flavor exploded in my mouth. Rich and smooth, the cool liquid hit the back of my throat. Feeling nervous, I took another swig, and another, then one more.
Next to me I heard the discreet popping noise of more bottles being opened, and then a cracking, fizzing sound as the champagne was poured into glass after glass.
Exchanging my empty glass for a full one, I looked around the purple laser-beamed space with its hundreds of people for someone I might know from Flirt.
The thump of dance music reverberated in my belly as I scanned the row of low benches against the railing that separated the huge bar area from the dance floor. Immediately, I spotted him. Jace. He was talking to an older gentleman, and when he saw me, he smiled. I quickly turned away and caught sight of two guys who worked in Network Engineering. They were responsible for the security, data storage, and disaster recovery. I’d met with them a few times, and when they waved me over, I didn’t hesitate.
Flirt Enterprises championed more than a dozen causes, but this one was special to Jace. The Community Outreach Program for Children had been started by his father years ago, and although it had been dormant for years, his late wife had revitalized it. He made sure to keep it going, and with the change of venue this year, it looked like he had done a fantastic job.
It was the only fundraiser the company required all of its employees to attend. Donations were not necessary, but attendance was. Flirt or not, judging by the amount of people there, the fundraiser had to be an overwhelming success.
I made my way through the crowd, careful not to spill my drink, and even more careful to avoid Jace as I approached the two men.
“It’s Hannah, right?” the taller one to the left said. I thought his name was Jason, but I wasn’t sure.”
“Yes,” I smiled.
He offered his hand. “I’m Jason, and this is Mike, we met a couple of weeks ago when you were making the rounds.”
Tucking my small clutch under the arm that held my glass, I offered my empty one. “Yes, I remember. You told me you were in the middle of a huge upgrade, and that I could expect to see all the apps function at a greater speed. I’m happy to say, you were right.”
Mike dipped his head, as if embarrassed, but Jason stood tall and widened his stance in pride.
Both proceeded to explain to me exactly what they had done. Sipping my champagne and listening, I allowed my eyes to wander every so often.
It was when they hit the other side of the bar that my heart jumped. Jace. This time I didn’t look away. Not right away, anyway. He was looking around, but not over where I was.
This time Jace was alone at the bar. He was leaning against it, sipping a scotch, I guessed by the color, and I couldn’t help but admire him. Taking the opportunity, I took him in—the tall, broad-shouldered man clad was dressed in the sexiest tuxedo I had ever seen.
Blinking my eyes, I finished my drink in two gulps, and to my own surprise, I grabbed for another when the cute waiter stopped beside me.
Yet, I couldn’t help but glance back. He was mid-sip when he spotted me, and he lowered his glass to smile at me. He had a wide mouth and full lips that easily drove a woman to her knees with just one kiss. This I knew from experience. And then there was that slow, sexy grin. Those dark, laughing eyes. And that insanely attractive body.
There was some serious déjà vu going on, and I hated that couldn’t stop the bu
tterflies that swarmed my belly.
With a tilt of his head, he beckoned me to him. I shook my head, and out of my peripheral vision, I noticed Tara, my assistant, standing with a group of people from our department fairly close to him. As soon as she spotted me, she blew me a kiss.
With those intense eyes staring at me as if hurt that I wouldn’t come to talk to him, he made a move toward me. It was as if he’d been looking for me and having found me once again, he wasn’t going to let me go.
But he already had, hadn’t he?
I found myself lowering my gaze. I didn’t want to talk to him, not here, not in this setting. We’d said all that needed to be said weeks ago.
A little unsettled by how deeply affected I was by his attention, I tried to give my own attention back to Jason and Mike, but it was hopeless. I kept shifting my gaze to him. He was making his way through the crowd, and I knew he was coming for me.
That pounding heart of mine was nearly out of my chest. I had to move. Not a minute later, I made an excuse to slip away.
I had no destination in mind as I walked through the crowd. Anywhere would do, just far enough away from Jace that I didn’t have to talk to him.
The white lights on the dance floor flickered in my vision, and I had to close my eyes for a minute. That’s when I ran right into my boss.
Perry Reeves was about five years older than me, and recently divorced. He had two kids who he kept every other weekend, and loved hockey almost as much as Jace.
Unlike Jace though, he wasn’t as refined. In fact, he’d recently shaved his dark hair close to his scalp. Like that it was hard not to notice his smooth, perfectly shaped ears, especially the one that boasted a small gold hoop in the lobe.
Perry was low key, taking advantage of casual Fridays by wearing jeans himself. He was also kind, considerate, and easygoing.
Everything Jace wasn’t.
The friendship Perry and I had cultivated since I started working for him was one I was grateful for.
“Perry,” I said with a start.
“Hannah,” he replied, bracing his hands on my upper arms, and looking me up and down. “You look incredible.”
“Thank you,” I responded, feeling myself blushing.