“I’m not landing this ship.” Rick shrugged, he didn’t know why Diego was looking at him.
“Yeah, that’s fine. Whatever.”
“Who’s staying on the ship?” Now it hit Rick. After last time he didn’t want them to separate again.
“We all go.”
“What about the ship.”
“I’ll lock it down.” Rick hadn’t heard Mom’s voice in a while, a welcome change from when she lived around his head.
“You see Mom’ll lock it down. All is well.”
“Council forces can override the lockdown though.” That was annoying, Rick pretended to think while he waited for someone else to find the solution.
“Mom just go for a ride and pick us up when we’re ready.” Brock was back, again.
◆◆◆
The Last Human’s shuttle was great, according to Diego’s mecha-boner, which always knew good machinery. That doesn't even make sense. Weirdo.
Rick zoned out as they entered Titan’s atmosphere. It did look like a small Earth, and the city was the best imitation he’d seen so far. It then struck Rick that he’d only seen the ones on Luna and Mars. Ceres and Ganymede could hardly count.
This Solus Tour wasn’t showing him as much as he’d hoped to see. He wondered if he’d ever stop being on the run. The further he ran, the more famous he became, the harder it would be for him to simply vanish.
He could do a Diego and just get an android or robot body, the Mexican seemed happy if a little unhinged.
Rick pictured himself starting a new life, pictured himself being ignored by passers-by, queueing for some crap, just being an average person. Would Moon still like him? Did she like him? Rick thought she did, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure. The fact that he was emotionally crippled and had no real experience with dating didn’t help. He started to get cold sweats. What if she didn’t like him? He was already beyond infatuated. Rick was losing his grip when he felt Moon’s hand on top of his. His insecurities vanished in an instant.
◆◆◆
Diego had taken the shuttle to Robot Town. He set it down and took them deep into the maze of alien structures. Rick had never visited the Robot Towns back on Terra. There was nothing there for him. Now he thought about it, he’d actually made little effort to visit a lot of places he’d have liked to see.
Had he been too hasty in the execution of his escape plan? His thoughts immediately turned back to Moon. Would he have met her under different circumstances? No Solus Tour, no Moon. And if he’d stuck to the script and been a good little monkey, Moon would still be on Luna. He’d made the right choice. There was an old saying he liked, something about it being better to live a day as a lion than life as a sheep. He was a lion now.
Moon tugged on Rick’s hand as she turned to follow Diego into an alleyway. It was night on Titan, and it had been for two Terran weeks. Rick hadn’t been to a pit for what seemed like an eternity. He was trying to work out how long it’d been when he realised he’d not been to a pit since he’d been on the run, and he hadn’t even thought about it since he and Moon started connecting. He wondered if Moon would enjoy a pit session. He didn’t think she would. But he hoped she might.
Rick chased the pit thoughts from his mind and focused on his environment. It was dark, and there was a lot of noise. Clanking and buzzing, and the droning of a million robotic voices. Bright signs invited people in here and there, Rick peered through openings trying to divine what services might be on offer. Moon tugged whenever he slowed, and they continued into the maze until Diego stopped.
The building looked like all the others, and the bright green sign was in robospeech. Rick couldn’t read it. He asked Moon, but Amy intervened.
“What is wrong with you Rick?” Amy paused between words, she was pissed.
“What?” Rick should have probably avoided shrugging, but he couldn’t help himself.
“You’re like this kid who gets a new toy and doesn’t even learn how to use it!”
“Why are you so vexed?” Amy hovered off angrily.
Moon jumped in, “just scan the text and download the language pack. Should work quickly for translations.”
“Awesome! So I can just speak any language now?”
“No. It takes longer to learn how to speak, write and understand the language. Practice and work. Your best friends.” Moon laughed.
“Burn!” Gary had come from behind with Steve.
“Fuck you, Gary!”
“Andale tontos!”
Diego headed into the apparent clinic and Brock corralled them in behind. There was an empty waiting room, and they all took seats while Diego and Brock went to talk with some ladybot at reception.
Steve sat opposite Rick and started touching the side of his head. Suddenly his camera head came off revealing an android face.
“What the fuck Steve?”
“What?”
“You have a face?”
“Well, of course, I have a face! Did you think I just had a camera for a head?” Rick felt the heat come on.
“Yes…”
“How would I eat? Or suck dick?” Both valid questions, Rick had to concede them. Wait, what?
“What you’re gay?”
“I swing both ways…”
“I thought you were just a camera bot… I didn’t realise you were sentient… I feel like such a dick.” Ladies and gentlemen: The Last Human! King of Idiots!
“Stop your jibber jabber fools!” Thankfully Mr T intervened before this conversation could deteriorate any further. Brock was back.
“Right, I’ve arranged for all of us to be seen at once. Diego doesn’t need any upgrades so he’ll stand guard with the cubes. Follow me.”
Brock led them through a set of sliding doors and started pointing at rooms down the corridor. Rick was in twenty-three, he headed over unaccompanied to his room. Someone was waiting inside. A skinless android looking at a holoscreen.
“Mr Archer?” Rick acquiesced. “I’m Dr Zeek, I’ll be looking after you today. It says here you’re leaving Solus and need some vaccines for the colonies. It also says your armoured suit provides most of the functions required for survival in space. But you have a biomechanical shoulder. Good quality, too.” The doctor’s voice trailed off as he scanned the files. “Well, it seems the suit can protect you well enough. Are there any upgrades you want?” Something lit up inside of Rick.
“What do you have?”
Come Out and Play-ee-ay!
Brock had requested some touch ups and deep space upgrades, nothing major. He’d abstained from combat upgrades. What he lacked against Spickard was training and nerve, not power.
Brock didn’t know how long he was under for, but when he woke the alarm was ringing, and fighting was definitely going on in the corridor. He sat up and took a quick look around. The doctor was gone. In one swift movement, he tore out a bunch of cables and tubes and spun out of bed. His clothes were back on, and he’d reviewed the work done by the time he made it to the door. He took a pistol from his calf compartment and punched the door’s button.
The door slid revealing Diego stood in the middle of the corridor, he had four arms up, and all of them were shooting. The cubes were floating around him blocking as much incoming fire as possible. No one else was in the corridor. Brock leaned forward to take a peek at their assailants and was immediately shot at. Diego noticed Brock.
“How was your siesta amigo?”
“What the fuck is happening?”
“Can you not tell coño?”
“Where are the others?”
“Still napping!”
The door opposite opened revealing a surprised Steve. Brock was also surprised because he hadn’t seen Steve’s face before. That didn’t last long. The camera face add-on was back, and Steve was in the corridor, behind Diego, dodging projectiles and capturing footage.
Brock stared in disbelief for a few instants. That robot is insane. The other doors started to open, and he shouted at everyone to
stay inside. Brock wasn’t sure how long Diego had been holding them at bay but any decent fighting force would be trying to flank them. Their time was counted. A little voice at the back of Brock’s mind was taunting him. Spickard was here to finish the job.
“Rick…come out to play-ee-ay!!” Brock froze. The unnecessarily elongated vowels, that crazy voice, how was that fucker still alive?
“Diego get the others to the shuttle!”
“What?”
“I’ll meet you there! Just get ready to go on my signal!”
“What’s the signal?”
Brock didn’t answer, Diego would figure it out. Both his pistols were out now, and he was in the process of discharging their contents on the double doors ahead of him, which Diego had already transformed into swiss cheese, Brock’s guns finished blowing the door remnants off their hinges and Diego’s supporting fire cracked passed him and exploded in the waiting room.
Brock burst through the doorway while executing one of his signature corkscrew dives. Hopefully, Diego understood the screams were the signal. They were always the signal.
Brock unleashed with the fury of someone who had a lot of pent-up anger. When he stopped spinning and shooting, kicking and punching and generally being violent, he found the waiting room now had more in common with a abattoir.
Not all had fallen. Maniacal laughter came from the entrance. Brock wiped the blood from his face and reloaded his pistols.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you laughing? I just slaughtered your crew.”
“You can’t spell slaughter without laughter!”
Brock mumbled some curses as he approached the big lunatic. The merc had a big gold chain across his breastplate, it spelt-out Mo Pain. What an asshole.
Mo Pain snarled at him. He was clutching a vicious-looking spiked club in one hand and a rifle in the other, the rifle dropped to the ground, and Mo Pain gripped his bat with both hands. Brock smiled, he’d enjoy pounding him to a pulp.
This was the merc leader, the incompetent prick who’d killed innocents on Luna and probably triggered the Battle of Ceres. Brock was spoilt for choice when it came to improvised weapons, blunt objects littered the floor. He chose his fists. His pace quickened as he neared striking distance. It all happened very fast.
Mo Pain had no technique, no skill, he swung that club like a noob. Brock was outside his swing with a duck, twist and turn. His right elbow crunched the back of Mo Pain’s head. The merc went down, and Brock continued his motion, his left fist punching the back of Mo’s head and sending his face to meet the ground faster than a speeding train. Mo Pain went limp. Brock gave him a little kick. Nothing. He grabbed the merc by his hair and lifted him up. Brock grimaced when he got a look the merc's busted face. He didn’t like executing people, especially unconscious people. This was a genocidal maniac though.
The crimes Brock knew about were enough to sway his mind. It was the unconscious bit that bothered him most. Time was of the essence though. Brock tossed Mo Pain aside, pulled his pistol out and trained it on the merc. He justified it to himself once more and pulled the trigger.
Brock got outside and found the mercs had set up a perimeter before attacking. Curious bystanders looked on trying to get a glimpse at the action. Two of the merc were pretending to be Council soldiers. Brock snuck off towards the shuttle. Quit while you’re ahead. He reached the others without any complications. As he neared the spaceport Brock’s pace slowed.
Diego was waiting in ambush when he showed up. The crazy Mexican jumped out from behind his cover with his guns on him. But Brock was ready, and he rolled to the side while drawing his weapons. The stand-off lasted a few seconds but felt much longer. Eyes darted left and right, ears strained to filter any and all sounds. Once both were sure no foul play was afoot they stood straight and holstered their guns.
“Any trouble?”
“No, easy all the way here.”
“Weird.”
“Why?”
“There weren’t that many mercs in the waiting room.”
“So?”
“I was sure another team would try to flank you, or have a trap, or something!”
“Nope.”
“OK then. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
RoJacked
Rick was in his now accustomed captain’s chair, and Brock was back on navigation. That meant Moon was far from him on comms. He didn’t like that. Diego had relinquished the controls and Mom was taking them onwards to Eris. There would be no more stops, both Neptune and Pluto’s orbits were too far off the optimal route. It would be a long flight. They told Rick it would be close to nine days. Nine days. That seemed like it might feel even longer than it sounded. But there was Moon.
Diego was badgering Brock for some information on the fight, Rick’s interest was piqued, so he joined in. “How did it feel kicking ass?” Brock smiled back at Rick.
“It felt good. For the most part.”
“Did you get that fucker, Dave! I woulda loved to see him beg!”
“Actually, he wasn’t there…” Rick’s heart sank. This wasn’t over.
“So Dave is still after us.”
“Probably, yes.”
“And the pirate hunters too.” Diego’s addition didn’t help Rick’s sinking mood.
“Mom has confirmed we made a clean getaway. No one is following.” Brock and Mom might have been correct but they always ended up discovered one way or another.
“Maybe, but how did they find us at the clinic? Everyone was out when they attacked! That coulda been it for us mate!” Rick was little more agitated than he’d intended. It was spreading.
“You’re right actually that is worrying…” Rick had not anticipated this from Brock. He thought Brock would tell him to calm down because everything was under control.
“Fuck.”
“Fuck.”
“Guys, guys, calm down!” Moon had come over and was standing in front of them. “We’re in the middle of nowhere, going further away in the middle of nowhere. They’ll be looking for us on Neptune next, not Eris.”
“And the clinic?”
“There’s another tracker on this ship. Maybe on one of you? This guy used to work with you.” Moon made an excellent point.
“To the medbay!” Rick marched off.
The medical facilities had scanners that could identify any problem. Rick didn’t know how they worked, but he’d seen them in action on Brock.
Rick went first, though he’d been scanned half a dozen times in the last few weeks and his suit regularly performed scans. As expected neither his suit nor his body was emitting any kind of tracking signal. Gary went next. Rick secretly hoped it was Gary just so he could poke fun at him. It wasn’t him. It was Steve.
The scan revealed the concealed emitter in his camera head-attachment. It was company property. It was LoJacked.
Gary lost his shit on Steve. It was funny at first, but Rick felt bad for the bot soon enough. Steve meekly tried to defend himself. Things had escalated so quickly he’d just gone with the flow. It had slipped his mind part of his head was company property.
Rick thought it was an honest mistake, though it may have cost lives. Probably many more than they even knew about. Rick pondered the repercussions of events and the forces of chaos. He began thinking about the ripples he’d caused. How far was his chaos spreading? How many lives had he cost?
Back on the flight deck, Steve moped in the corner while Diego quizzed everyone on their upgrades. Rick held his tongue. No quips, no jokes, nothing. His effort to not draw attention to himself did the exact opposite.
“Rick you went in there unsupervised. What did you do?” Brock moved in on him.
“Why would you say it like that? Assuming I went ahead and did something unreasonable.”
“What upgrades did you get?”
“I had him tune the suit.”
“What else, Rick?”
“Come on Rick what else!” Moon came over and prodded him in the ches
t. “Tell us!”
“I got the quantum anus!”
“For fuck’s sake Rick…” Rick gave them a classic Rick shrug, they laughed, Brock seemed less amused. “So let me get this straight, we come to get upgrades for the dangers awaiting us and the first thing you get is the anus? What else Rick?” The others were still laughing, so Rick feigned deafness. “Rick! What else? Please don’t tell me you only got the anus!” The laughter redoubled, Rick shrugged again. “Rick for fuck’s sake!”
“Calm down mate! You think I’d pass over the opportunity to bulk up! Come on! I’m fucking wit ya!” Rick got up and grabbed Moon by the waist. “Plus this one can kick my ass whenever she wants!”
Moon swiped his leg, and before he knew it, she was holding him inches from the ground. Rick thought that was hot. He closed his eyes and waited for the kiss with puckered lips. He felt the ground kiss the back of his head instead.
“OK, so what did you get?” Moon asked as she picked him up.
“I got actuators, stimulators and adapters for all of my muscles. Added filters to my lungs and radiation scrubbers. I'm not sure what else… Space stuff.”
“Rick I hope you didn’t fuck up, remember what Pops said. Good quality upgrades, always.”
“I know that man! Everything matches up to my artificial shoulder! And don’t worry, I can’t kick your ass, yet…” There was another round of laughter, but Brock gave Rick the nod. He felt pride at receiving the nod.
Rick allowed a bit more brouhaha, but he had questions that needed answering. He’d woken up to a clinic in chaos. His doctor nowhere to be found. Before he knew it, he was running again, and his questions had gone unanswered.
“So…” Rick found the subject a lot harder to bring up with Moon by his side. The need know was stronger though. “Do any of you guys know how this quantum butthole works?”
The room went quiet. Rick was curious to see who’d answer. He hoped it would be Moon and expected a dry answer from Brock. Turns out his scatophile tendencies were shared by Gary.
Space Shenanigans Page 15