by J. F. Gump
She considered taking Somjit and the baby and going to her mother's house or her sister's house, but she quickly cancelled that idea, too. She knew she wouldn't be welcome. They would probably make her give the baby away for adoption and then make her leave Phitsanulok so they wouldn't have to be reminded of the shame she had caused. Truly she was without a family or a husband.
Nuang knew if she was going to survive and take care of her baby, she needed money. She needed a job that paid well, but didn't require any special skills. A simple process of elimination narrowed her choices to the tourist cities. The hotels and restaurants always needed people to work. She didn't know about the pay, but work would be easy to find. She considered Phuket and Pattaya, two popular beach resorts. After a minute of self-debate, she decided on Pattaya. She had been there before, but she had never been to Phuket.
Her brother lived in Pattaya and that helped make up her mind. She didn't want to see him, but their chances of an accidental meeting were small. His advertising business took up most of his days and his nights were spent at home. Just knowing he would be close gave her a small sense of security. She would leave for Pattaya within the week.
Chapter 15
Pittsburgh, PA, U.S.A.
Mike Johnson awoke to the phone ringing in his ears. He pulled a pillow over his head to muffle the piercing noise. It didn't help. He reached out, lifted the receiver, and then dropped it back into its cradle. The ringing stopped but the throbbing in his head didn't. His bladder ached, stretched to the point of explosion.
Mike forced himself out of the bed and toward the toilet. A wave of nausea swept through him. It subsided a little as he sat on the toilet. He felt horrible. He was sick and his head pounded. He finished draining his bladder, rinsed his mouth, and went back to bed.
Lying there, Mike felt his heart doing somersaults. Holiday heart syndrome someone had called it: Too much booze and too little food. Inside, his liver and kidneys ached with the pain of alcohol destruction. He was surprised there was anything left to hurt. So far, his body had survived every assault he had thrown at it.
He pulled a Marlboro from the pack on the nightstand. His first drag sent him into a spasm of coughing. How long, he wondered, could his body take the abuse he subjected it to before something really important stopped working. Weeks? Months? Years? He hoped something quit before he ran out of money.
The last year of Mike Johnson's life had been shit. A year of shattered dreams, personal loss, and blinding depression. It had started with the death of a young Thai lady named Math—his lover, his soul mate, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She had never been his legal wife, but she had been the woman he loved more than any other.
Math died nearly a year ago in a motorcycle accident. Her death had devastated him. At the time he had even prayed for his own death. But every god and prophet known to man ignored his prayers.
Less than three months after Math's death, Mike lost his job. It hadn't been anyone's fault, only a slowdown in business, but Mike had blamed his boss anyway. Jess Ankrom hadn't given the order in person, but he knew the fat bastard had a hand in it.
Four weeks after being laid off, Mike lost his only son, Josh. It had started as a stupid argument and ended with Mike kicking Josh out of the house. It was the last time he had seen his son. Actually, Mike had lost Josh to drugs long before kicking him out; it had just never seemed so permanent before.
Susan—his wife and long time tormentor—had screamed, cussed, and cried at Mike for making Josh leave. What little self-esteem he had left had quickly evaporated at Susan's unrelenting placing of blame. In a state of depression darker than he had ever known, Mike had attempted suicide with an overdose of valium and alcohol. It hadn't worked. He had managed a broken nose when he fell down the stairs, but he didn't die. His failure had left him even more depressed.
But there had been one major bright spot in his suicide attempt: Susan had stopped her never-ending attacks. More than that, she had started being nice. He had been wary at first, but soon realized she was trying to change. As he watched, she became the woman he had married so many years before. Soon, they began making love again for the first time since he had returned from Thailand. Sometimes it was passionate. To his own amazement, Mike began falling in love with Susan all over again. He was surprised there could be anything left after so many years of numbness. He didn't fight his feelings.
Three months after being laid off, and two months after Josh had left home, Mike's old company called to say they had picked up a new project and would be calling him back in a few weeks. Jess Ankrom, his ex-boss, had said little about the job except it was out of town. But that wasn't important. What was important was that he would be working again, even if was for only a couple of months.
That afternoon Mike called Susan at work and told her everything Jess had said. He wasn't sure how she would react to him being out of town again, but she seemed truly happy for him. He suggested they go out for dinner that evening.
After dinner, Susan said she had a surprise. She opened her purse and pulled out an envelope. Her smile faded as she handed it to him. "Before you open this I have something to say. It's about when you were in Thailand."
Mike glanced down at the envelope. He had no idea what it contained, but divorce papers came instantly to mind. He looked up, apprehension edged his face.
Susan kept her voice even. "When you went to Thailand, you were gone for a very long time. You never said anything, but I think you fell in love with another woman." She paused, blushing from embarrassment. "I should hate you for that but I don't. If you did find someone else, maybe it was my own fault. I wasn't being a very good wife back then. I understand that now and I am trying to change." She paused again, this time to compose her thoughts. "I love you, Mike, and I never want to lose you, but I need to be sure it's me you want in return. We have reached the age where we owe each other total honesty. Now you should look in the envelope."
Mike lifted the flap and pulled out an airline ticket. In the dim light of the restaurant, he couldn't see the details. He stared up at Susan, questioning.
She took his hand and squeezed tight. "It's to Bangkok. It leaves next week." She paused for a moment then added. "If you come back, it will be to me."
"And if I don't?"
"It's better we know that now, instead of two years from now. I can't spend my life competing with a dream. I bought this ticket so you can decide what you want."
Mike was overwhelmed. He had never told Susan the truth, but he knew how her suspicions tormented her. Except for intuition, there was no way for her to know that Math had ever existed. The last thing he expected was for her to insist he go back to Thailand alone. His words came out a hoarse whisper, "Will you go with me?"
"I don't understand," she responded, disconcerted by his unexpected question.
"I love you and I don't want either of us to be hurt again. I will be hurt if you tell me no, and you would be hurt if I go alone. If I don't come back, at least you will know the reason why. What do you say, will you come with me?"
Susan smiled. Tears formed in her eyes. "How can I say no?"
Later that night they made love with a passion they hadn't felt since they were much younger. She responded to his every touch and he responded to her every movement. He basked in the glow of her pleasure as he rushed to the end of his own physical desires. Afterwards, they fell asleep holding on to one another.
Early the next morning Susan bought an airline ticket for herself and then went shopping to get a few things for their upcoming trip. She never came home. A deer smashing through a windshield at sixty-five miles per hour can do unbelievable damage.
Mike remembered very little about that day or any of the days which followed. He remembered identifying her body. He remembered trying and failing to find Josh. He remembered the funeral, but only vaguely. He got drunk immediately after the funeral and never sobered up. His younger sister, ever the efficient one, took care
of the legal crap that haunted people after they died. He signed whenever and wherever he was told. His sister tried to talk to him about his drinking but stopped when he told her to fuck off.
As soon as it was cleared, he put their house on the market, furniture included. He didn't want anything except his clothes and a few personal effects. The house sold in two days. Total net assets after nearly thirty years of marriage—$92,159.28!
He put half of the money in a trust fund for Josh and the rest in his own account. Then he rented a cheap hotel room where he could get drunk and feel sorry for himself in peace.
During the last few weeks he had graduated from beer and wine to bourbon and vodka. He left the room only long enough to buy more booze and cigarettes. He took a bath whenever he couldn't stand his own odor. Sometimes he ate.
He looked at the cigarette dangling between his fingers, took another drag, and then stubbed it out in the ashtray. He picked up the half empty bottle of vodka and took a short swig. His stomach twisted with a sharp spasm that gave him a newfound respect for vodka. He knew it would pass after the alcohol dulled the same pain it had caused. He leaned back and waited.
Before the vodka had time to take effect the phone rang again. This time he answered. "Hello."
"Damn you, Mike! Don't hang up on me again." It was Jess Ankrom.
"How did you find me?"
"Your sister Carol. She's quite worried about you. Damned if I know why. By the way, I'm not very good at this sort of stuff but I want to say I'm truly sorry about Susan. I met her a couple of times and she seemed like a nice lady. Are you okay? No, of course you aren't or you wouldn't be staying in that shit-hole of a hotel. Look, I still have that job coming up in a couple of weeks. I need you to come to the office for a day or two and catch yourself up on the project. Can you be here tomorrow morning?"
One thing about Jess Ankrom, he didn't let etiquette stand in the way of blunt communications. "I'm not interested, Jess. Goodbye."
"Wait! I forgot to mention something. The job is at the refinery in Thailand. You know, the job we did a year or so ago. I was afraid to mention that before. Thought it might cause problems. Know what I mean? They asked for you specifically. Damned if I know why. It's only for a couple of months, but maybe we can stretch it a little. It's up to you."
"I already have two tickets to Thailand," Mike said, remembering the tickets Susan had bought. He wasn't even sure if they were still good.
"Well, now you have three. Sorry, but this one's coach class. The refinery has a new controller and he's a real tight ass. It was all I could do to get a car and a driver out of him. Your sister thinks it will do you some good to get away from here for a while. I think so, too. Are you interested or not?"
Thailand! Not so long ago he would have given anything to go back. Now he had no reason to go. Thailand! Somehow the word had a magical effect on him. It lit a spark he thought was dead. Suddenly, he wanted to go back. Maybe it was his chance to start living again. He felt a rush of anticipation that he hadn't felt since Susan had died. He screwed the cap back on the vodka bottle and set it aside. "I'll be there this afternoon."
Mike showered, put on his cleanest dirty clothes, and then he drove to the office. The assignment was a cakewalk. He would have it done in three or four weeks, but told everyone it would take ten or twelve. Jess Ankrom shook his head and rolled his eyes but for once he said nothing. Mike collected his ticket and a two week advance on his pay, and then went back to his hotel.
He called the airlines and asked about his and Susan's old tickets. With the death and all, the tickets were still good and there wasn't a penalty. He rearranged everything, threw in a few frequent-flier miles, and upgraded himself to business class. His flight would leave in the morning. He would be two weeks early but he didn't care. He was ready to get away.
He drove to the nearest mall and blew three hundred dollars on new clothes. On the way home, he bought a pizza and a six pack from Antonio's. By nine o'clock he was asleep.
That night he dreamed of the loves of his life. He dreamed of Susan, he dreamed of Math, and he dreamed of Thailand.
Chapter 16
On the same day that Laht had fulfilled his promise to his uncle, Somjit's life was turned upside down. It had started with Nuang.
After five days of planning, Nuang had finally gathered the nerve to escape her life at the temple. That day she was feeling well and thinking clearly. There were no voices whispering in her ears, so her final decision was made with total lucidity. She set her plan in motion.
Early in the afternoon, Nuang found a cardboard box and packed the few donated clothes the monks had given her. Afterwards she went to see Somjit and the baby. There were things she needed to confess, but she wasn't sure how to say them. Her heartbeat quickened as she neared Somjit's room. She reached up and tapped softly. In a moment the door swung open. "Sawasdee ka," she said.
"Please come in," Somjit motioned her inside. "Are you okay? You look upset."
Nuang struggled to make her smile natural. "I am fine. How is little Tippawan?"
"She is asleep. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I have decided to be honest with you about my baby." Nuang’s smile faded. "One hundred percent honest. I have never lied to you, but there are many things I never said. Things I have never told anyone. I trust you Somjit, just like you are my sister. You are Tippawan's second mother so it's only right that you know the whole truth. I'm not sure where to begin."
Somjit tensed. A million bizarre thoughts streaked through her mind. Maybe Nuang had AIDS and had given it to the baby, or maybe she had been a drug user while she was pregnant, or maybe she had some disease and was dying. "What do you mean?"
"I lied about Tippawan's father. He is not dead. He's in America."
"I already know her father was a farang," Somjit replied, relaxing a little. "Whether he is dead or alive isn't important. If that's what you wanted to tell me, you're worried about nothing."
"No, there is more. Let me tell you a story—a true story."
Somjit nodded and listened.
"One year ago tomorrow, my sister was killed in a motorcycle accident. She was twenty-three years old. Her given name was Tippawan but everyone knew her as Math. I loved my sister very much. Not too many months before she died, she fell in love with a foreigner. I think he loved her, too. They came to visit me once in Chiang Mai and I was captivated by him. I don't know why. Maybe it was because he was so nice to me, or maybe it was because I was jealous of my sister. I was jealous because she was so young and she had found a man who could take good care of her. But I never said anything, I was embarrassed by own feelings.
"My sister was very religious, but she was also very superstitious. She used to have dreams of mythical demons whenever bad things were about to happen. It scared me. I pretended it was only a coincidence, but I knew it wasn't. One night Math dreamed she would die. That same dream came back to her every night for a week. When she finally told me about it, she was frantic. We talked for hours. I knew she truly believed her death was imminent.
"She asked me to do many things for her if she died. Most of her requests had to do with family, but one of them had to do with the American she loved. She asked to make love with him in her place, if she died before they were together again. I said yes because I thought my sister's dream would never come true. I said yes because the idea excited me."
"Three months after I made my promise to Math, she was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was still in mourning when her American lover returned to Thailand. He came to have a ceremony for her spirit. He asked me to attend and I did."
"Before he went home I kept my promise to my sister. I made love with him one last time for her memory. But I did it for me, too. I had sex with him because I wanted to feel him inside me. I had never slept with any man except my husband and I wanted the American desperately. He didn't seduce me, I seduced him.
"That day we made love and baby Tippawan was conceived. He doesn't
know because I never told him. I have thought about contacting him but decided it's better he doesn't know. What happened is my fault, not his. I'm not embarrassed for what I did, I'm only embarrassed at my stupidity for getting pregnant. I am telling you this because I wanted you to know the truth."
Somjit was surprised and not surprised at the same time. "You didn't have to tell me all of that. It doesn't matter."
"I've never told anyone except you. You deserve to know everything."
Somjit nodded. Nothing that Nuang had done compared to her own life. There was much she should be confessing too, but she kept her secrets inside. They sat in self-conscious silence, one embarrassed by what she had confessed and the other embarrassed by what she hadn't.
In a while Nuang kissed her daughter and returned to her room. She lay in bed and cried, agonizing over what she was about to do. Later, she wrote a note and put it on the bed where Somjit would find it. Then, while everyone was busy preparing the midday meal, Nuang took her box of clothes and walked away from the temple. She still had most of the money she had taken from the bank account. It wasn't much, but it was more than enough to get her away from Phitsanulok.
She caught a taxi to the bus station and bought a one-way ticket to Pattaya. Without thinking, she gave her correct name to the ticket agent. It was a mistake but she couldn't take it back once the words were out. She chided herself harshly for her careless stupidity. She hoped it wasn't important. She paid the lady, then moved to a secluded area of the terminal and waited.
When Somjit returned from the kitchen that afternoon, she went directly to Nuang's room. Nuang hadn't eaten with the others and Somjit was worried. She remembered the expression on Nuang's face when they had talked earlier. Clearly, Nuang was depressed. She knew people sometimes did stupid things when they were upset. She hoped Nuang wasn't planning to do anything stupid now.