Carry My Heart

by J. S. Cooper

  Chapter Five

  CURRENT DAY

  Sage

  “I don’t want to go,” I protested as Nina looked at me imploringly. “I’m tired and I need to study and . . .” My voice drifted off as she started to pout. “I’m not in the mood to party.” I gave her my best, please don’t try and pressure me to go look, but I knew it wouldn’t work.

  “Just for five minutes. That’s all I ask.” She gave me her most winning smile. And I tried not to envy how pretty and at ease she was. “Five minutes and if you hate it, we can leave.” Her eyes shone brightly, and she looked so excited and eager that I was loathe to tell her no again.

  “I already know I’m going to hate it. It will be a party full of football players and frat guys.” I made a face. “Not my kind of people.” I pretended to throw up.

  “Trust me, if it’s that bad. I’ll want to leave as well,” she said, pretending she didn’t absolutely love football players.

  “Yeah right.” I couldn’t help but smile at her unconvincing lie. “There’s no way that you will want to leave in five minutes.”

  “I promise, I will leave if you’re not having fun.” Her expression changed, and she looked at me earnestly now. “I promise, I would never want you to stay in a situation you’re not comfortable in.”

  “Nina.” I shook my head and sighed as I stood up reluctantly. “I really don’t want to go, but I will if you really want me to. However, I’m not changing.”

  “But you’ll come?” She looked at me excitedly. “You’ll come right, Sage?”

  “Sure,” I said with a brief smile as she jumped up and down like a little kid.

  “Trust me, Sage, this is going to be so much fun. You’ll see.”

  “Yeah, we’ll see.” I looked at my watch and sighed inwardly. It was already 7:00 p.m. No way, I was going to be able to study tonight. And my exam was in two days. I knew the smart thing to do would be to tell Nina no and to stay in and study, but Nina was my first real friend since the orphanage and I didn’t want to disappoint her. It was nice having a friend; even if I couldn’t confide in her all the things that I wanted to.

  I have this problem where I can’t get close to people. I think it’s because I’m always scared they will leave me. I’m scared that I’ll no longer feel alone and then the rug will get swept from under my feet again and I’ll be left in an even bigger heartache than before. I grew up knowing I was alone. It’s hard not to when you’re abandoned at seven years old and shifted from foster family to foster family. I finally ended up just believing that it was safer to only rely on myself. People couldn’t be trusted to not break your heart and let you down. That was the way I felt until I met Jacob.

  Jacob wormed his way into my heart until he was in so deep that he felt like a piece of nerve tissue connecting my heart to the rest of my body. He became so integral to me that I didn’t think I could survive without him. I later learned that I could. I later learned that one can survive without a heart. I think I’m a piece of medical history. I defy all odds. I am the girl that exists without a heart. I am the girl that exists even though every part of my body has felt like it has died and not been brought back to life again. I’m half living. I prefer to say that over barely living.

  There’s a feeling when someone leaves you. And you realize they aren’t coming back. It is in that moment of realization that you know that you are not good enough. That you weren’t as loved as you thought. It’s hard to describe. It’s what I imagine dying must feel like. The deep intense pain that can’t be masked; the emptiness, the soul-searching, the wondering what you could have done differently. The wanting one more chance to somehow change things.

  I didn’t know that Jacob was going to leave me and never come back. In fact, I never foresaw the fact that he would drop me out of his life as if I’d never existed. I just never thought he could do that to me. And that’s what made me the saddest. The fact that even after everything I’d been through, I’d still given him a chance. I’d still hoped that he would be different. That he would really and truly love me forever and ever. It was like a fairy tale in my mind. One that I’d never thought I’d believe in, but he had broken down my walls. He had made me believe that I was enough. That I could be worthy of love. He had made me believe and then it had all come crashing down. Well now the façade had been brought back up and my heart was once again surrounded by a six-inch wall; stronger and thicker than ever.

  “Let me go and get changed,” I said as I walked away from Nina and into my room. I could feel slight anxiety buzzing in my stomach and I just needed to be alone for a few minutes.

  “Okay, yay.” She gave me a quick hug and then turned around. “I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine.” She giggled. “To help me get ready for the night.”

  “Okay.” I nodded and hurried to my room and closed the door behind me and picked up a book I’d been reading that helped me in moments like these.

  “Sage Weston, you are enough.” I looked at myself in the mirror as I repeated the words in the book in front of me and I couldn’t stop from rolling my eyes. “You are beautiful and, you are enough.” The words sounded foreign to my ears and I threw the book onto the floor. “I can’t do this.” I shook my head and looked at myself in the mirror. My long black hair hung past my shoulders in waves and I fingered the ends. I needed a haircut, but I really didn’t have the money to go to the hairdresser. And I didn’t want to cut my hair again. Not after what happened last time. I cringed as I remembered the lopsided bob I’d given myself a few years ago. It hadn’t looked pretty. Though I did consider the fact that maybe I would be a better hair cutter now. Maybe I could cut it and use a ruler. Maybe that would work. “Stop being cheap, Sage.” I looked in the mirror again and my reflected brown eyes chastised me in a disgusted way. I was sure I could find a place where I could get my hair cut for something in my budget. I needed to get out of the habit of cutting it myself. I’d look on Yelp the next day.

  Cutting my own hair was one of the last things that I’d kept from my days at the orphanage. The days when all of us used to cut each other’s hair. It was a monthly event that Jacob had started as a way to get us all to bond with each other. You’d think that children with no parents would automatically come together, but that wasn’t the case. The haircutting didn’t even help that much, but it was what had made Jacob and I grow closer together after the letters. That had been the beginning. The beginning of the end. I didn’t want to think about it. Any time I thought about those days, I felt sad and depressed. There was nothing positive that could come out of memories from the past.

  “Sage, you nearly ready?” Nina walked into my room without knocking and I gave her a small smile. “You haven’t even changed.” She gave me a look. “Not that you need to change. You’re always beautiful.”

  “Yeah right.” I shook my head and laughed, but I was pleased by her comment.

  “Hurry up.” She grinned. “Let’s go and have some fun and I promise I’ll go for a run with you in the morning.”

  “Okay.” I gave her a small smile. She thought she was helping me out, but I didn’t actually like running with other people. It was my time to be alone and at peace with my thoughts.

  Every Saturday morning I go for a run. I’m not fast and I can’t run a long distance, but I go so that I can feel the wind in my hair and hear the sound of the birds as they fly around the sky looking for food and for shelter. I don’t run any other day of the week. I only allow myself to run on Saturdays because that’s the one day that I allow myself to think about him. That’s the only time I allow myself to remember what it felt like running with him. Back when we were kids. Back when I thought he was my best friend. Back when I thought he really loved me.

  I can still remember the second to last letter I sent him, when I still thought he’d write me back. I love you, I’d said. I love you and I’m so excited to see you. Come back to me. Come back to me, I’d said, and in my heart, I’d thought that would be all he’d n
eed to read. I’d thought that he’d come running. Yet, he’d never written me back. He’d never responded. Nothing. I’d thought maybe he hadn’t gotten the letters and so I’d written again and again. And then when he hadn’t responded, I’d snuck away one weekend and gone to his new address to surprise him. And I’d walked up to his doorstep, still feeling hopeful. I’d been about to ring the doorbell when I’d looked through the living room window and I’d seen him sitting on the couch with another girl, holding her hand, brushing her hair back as he’d always done to mine, and my heart had frozen.

  I’d never experienced loneliness and hurt like that before. I’d never felt like I had died inside before. Yes, I’d been sad before, but I’d never felt like I was dead. When I’d walked away, I hadn’t even cried. The tears had come later. When I’d gone back to the orphanage. And taken a shower. As the water had poured down my body, the tears joined, and I’d sobbed. I’d sobbed so hard. I’d thought that I would never stop.

  He was the only one I had ever believed had truly loved me. And that had been a lie. I was truly alone. He had abandoned me like everyone else. He had never really cared. I’d understood at that moment that I was unlovable. I swore then that I’d never love again. I’d never be in that situation again. I’d never allow someone to become so close to me that I’d be so devastated if they were no longer in my life.

  “Earth to Sage,” Nina interrupted my thoughts. “You ready to go?”

  “Let’s do it.” I nodded and took a deep breath. I had to stop thinking about him. I had to move on with my life. It had been years now. I had to let go of the pain.

  “Me and my shadow.” That’s what he always said. Teasingly of course. I followed him around everywhere. He was the only person I ever trusted. The only person that I believed cared about me. He made me look forward to new days. He made me appreciate the glory of the sunrise. He made me count and wish upon the stars. I can still feel the wind blowing through my hair as we ran across fields of green. I can still remember our laughs as we channeled voices of old English kings and queens and spoke gibberish. I can still feel the touch of his fingers lightly pressed against mine. The soft press of his lips on my cheek and then eventually on my lips. The way his body warmed mine in the night as he held me close when I cried. The way he whispered in my ear telling me everything was going to be okay. The time he promised he would always be there for me. The sincerity in his eyes. The love. The comfort. All of the feels. And then he left. And I was left alone.

  Alone.

  Alone.

  I had to stop remembering. I had to let go.

  Chapter Six

  Jacob

  Time seemed to stand still as I walked into the room. It was as if my body somehow knew that today was going to be the day that everything changed. The day that I’d been waiting for, anticipated, hoped for, for the last five years. It wasn’t as if it were planned; ironic, that after all these years I was going to see her, but it was going to be at a party.

  Not how I would have planned it. Not at all. So many things I’d planned for in my life. So many times I’d hoped for this moment. Even prayed. So many ways I’d imagined it happening. And now, now it was about to happen I didn’t know how to feel or to act. All I knew was that every part of my body was singing in celebration.

  I could feel the warmness of my blood coursing through my veins as my heart pumped faster, trying to keep up with the thoughts tripping through my brain. My eyes were fixed, focused on the feminine body across the room. She only had her back to me and yet, I knew it was her. I’d known from the moment, I’d seen the slouch of her shoulders and the way her hair hung down her back, loosely, wavy, silky. The girl next to her said something and she shifted uncomfortably in that way that she always did. The way she always had. My feet wanted to run to her, wanted to turn her around, hug her, kiss her on both cheeks, and maybe even on the lips. I wanted to see her huge brown eyes widening in recognition as we stood there. I wanted to see the joy I felt reflected in her irises.

  Sage Weston was here. This was the moment of my life. I grabbed a helium balloon that was floating past me, having been blown up by some of the guys to the right of me. It was bright red and had a smiley face on it. It was so cartoony and unlike me, but it reflected what I felt inside. I took a deep breath and headed forward. I needed to talk to her, and yet my pace was slow. I couldn’t seem to move my feet at the normal pace. My body wanted to run toward her, yet my survival instinct knew that she might not have the same reaction as me. She might not burst into a smile so wide that her cheeks ached from the unwanted muscle action. She might not feel the same intense burst of nerves in her stomach, her eyes might not widen, they might narrow. She might even step away or worse even, she might look at me blankly. She might not even recognize me. That would be the worst. As the thoughts crossed my mind, I noticed that I’d let go of the balloon. I turned around and it was floating to the ceiling, the string already too high up for me to grab. I frowned and looked around the room to see if there was another balloon I could grab or even some flowers. Sage had always loved flowers. It didn’t strike me as odd, at that moment, that she might think it weird that I would be bringing her flowers. I didn’t care though. I wanted to give her something. I wanted her to take something with her from the party so that I would be fresh in her mind. I needed her to have a part of me with her. No matter how insignificant.

  “Jacob Phillips, wassup, man?” A deep familiar voice came up next to me and I looked up to see Ben Marks and Leon Franklin, standing in front of me. They were two star football players on the college team and I’d known them for a couple of years.

  “Sup, Ben, Leon.” I nodded at them, frustrated now. I didn’t want to get into a conversation with them. This was a time for me to focus, home in on the fact that my future was beginning now. I didn’t want to chat about football plays and hot girls.

  “Did you hear that the Patriots were interested in drafting Justin?” Ben said, his eyes excited. I knew that he knew that if the Patriots were interested in Justin, then even better teams would be interested in him. He was the star quarterback on the team and had led us to a Division One championship victory in the last year.

  “Oh yeah, I heard something.” I nodded and tried to pretend to be interested. I looked over to see if Sage was still there and my heart started thumping when I realized she was no longer in the corner that I’d seen her in. If that had been her, of course.

  “I think he might get an offer of a cool five mil.” Ben sounded envious, though we both knew that if Justin got a bid and five million, he would get at least ten. “It’s a pity you dropped off the team, man.”

  “Yeah, it is what it is.” I nodded, though I couldn’t care less. Money was the least important thing to me in the world. Though I wasn’t sure why. I just couldn’t live my life for the want of money. There were other things that were a lot more important to me.

  “So what’s your plan now, man?” Ben continued, and I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested in finding out or if he just wanted me to ask him about himself. At this point, I didn’t really care. I needed to find Sage.

  “Sorry, man. I gotta go.” I tapped him on the shoulder and gave him a quick nod before darting away. I’d been so excited to find out that Sage might be attending this party and I couldn’t let anything ruin it. I looked around the room frantically, worried that she would have left already or may have spotted me. How would she feel seeing me? Would she be happy? I felt a growl in my stomach as I knew that would be the last emotion I could expect her to feel in this situation. She most probably hated me. Which I could understand. But maybe she could forgive me? Maybe? I didn’t know what I was going to tell her though. I still couldn’t tell her the truth. I wanted her more than anything, but I knew that the truth would kill her. And I’d rather live a life without her, than have to hurt her any more than I already had.

  My heart started thudding as I saw her in the corner talking to her friend. A girl named Nina. I didn�
�t know Nina, but one of my friends had a crush on her. In fact, he’d been the one to point her out to me a few weeks ago. I’d thought nothing of it until he talked about her hot and hard to communicate with bitchy roommate Sage. I knew right away it was my Sage. It had to be. And when I’d spied her just last week with Nina in the cafeteria, my heart had raced. It was fortuitous that we’d both ended up at this university. It was fate, at least I liked to believe so. There wasn’t a day that had gone by that I’d stopped thinking about her. Not one day. I knew she wouldn’t believe me; given how everything had gone. But I hoped I could impart in her the depth of my feelings for her. I just needed her to give me a chance. To trust me. To really and truly have blind faith in my love and commitment to her. I knew that would be hard though because she’d be seeking answers and I had none to give. There was nothing I could say that could make this right. Though I knew I had to try.

  I started walking over to her and then I stopped. I wasn’t sure that just walking up to her would be the right approach. I needed to be more subtle. I almost laughed out loud. I was anything but subtle.

  I walked over to Bryce, a friend that was sitting on the couch with his acoustic guitar and sat next to him.

  “Hey, man, can I play a song?” I interrupted his conversation with two hot cheerleaders and he passed me the guitar without answering. I started strumming some chords to see if it was in tune and after adjusting a few strings, I started to hum under my breath to warm up my vocal chords. I closed my eyes for a few moments as the impact of what I was going to do hit me. This was such an important moment and I was so scared that I was going to mess it up.

  “Da da dum,” I started singing and as I started to play the familiar chords to Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud,” people started gathering around the couch. It wasn’t a song that Sage and I had grown up with, but the words were meaningful to me. Also, I knew my voice was unique enough that when she heard me singing, she would know it was me. At least I hoped she would still recognize my voice. We’d spent so many nights together singing under the stars. Music had brought us closer together. Music was all we had in the orphanage. Songs gave us hope, made us feel love, connected. I knew how hard it had been for Sage to connect with me. I knew how hard it had been for her to let me in. I knew that. I knew I didn’t really have a chance in hell to win her back. But I’d fight the devil with my bare hands if I had to. I’d do whatever it took to show her I loved her. Absolutely whatever it took.