by Louis Sachar
Laura smiled. Who are you trying to kid? she thought.
At recess, Pig City discussed how to best strike back at Monkey Town.
“We don’t even know who they are,” said Kristin.
“But they know who we are,” said Aaron. “The eggs proved that.”
“There might be hundreds of them,” said Nathan.
“Why eggs?” asked Debbie. “What do eggs mean?”
Nobody knew.
“What does mustard mean?” asked Aaron.
“I wrote that,” said Laura. “It means they’re yellow! They’re chicken!”
“Do you think they’ll be able to figure that out?” asked Debbie.
“That doesn’t matter,” said Laura. “It’s better if they can’t. They’ll worry more.”
Suddenly everyone stopped talking. Gabriel, Sheila, Karen, Jonathan, Yolanda, and Howard were coming toward them.
“One, two, three …” said Gabriel.
They snapped their fingers and sang:
“Monkey town! (snap-snap)
Monkey town! (snap-snap)
We’re the greatest club around! (snap-snap)
Monkey town! (snap-snap)
Monkey town! (snap-snap)
Gonna turn Pig City upside-down! (snap-snap)
Pigs walk on (snap-snap)
four legs! (snap-snap)
They’re nothing but
BACON and EGGS! (snap-snap)
Monkey town! (snap-snap)
Monkey town! (snap-snap)
We’re the greatest club around! (snap-snap)”
“You mustard!” shouted Nathan.
They sang louder and changed from snapping fingers to clapping their hands.
“Monkey town! (clap-clap)
Monkey town! (clap-clap)
Gonna turn Pig City UPSIDE-DOWN! (clap-clap)
Pigs walk on (clap-clap) four legs! (clap-clap)”
“Monkeys are mustard!” screamed Debbie. Everyone in Pig City began shouting it. “Monkeys are mustard! Monkeys are mustard!”
“THEY’RE NOTHING BUT BACON AND EGGS!!!” sang Monkey Town as loud as they could scream.
Good, now we know who they are, thought Laura, calm amidst the chaos. She was the eye of the hurricane.
27
War!
The war raged all week. By Friday, every pencil belonging to the citizens of Monkey Town and Pig City had been broken.
It started Monday after recess, when Howard accidentally dropped his pencil. It rolled under his chair and behind him. Debbie reached down and grabbed it, then broke it in half.
After that, no pencil was safe. If anybody left his or her pencil unguarded, for even a second, it would be snatched and snapped.
Besides pencil-breaking, there was a lot of name-calling, some apple-core-throwing, one homework-stealing, many attempted cap-liftings, and a day of mud-splashing.
It was Tiffany’s homework that was stolen. Jonathan and Yolanda changed all the answers, then returned it to her without her knowing it. She didn’t find out until Mr. Doyle returned it to her with a big red zero on top.
The mud-splashing occurred on Wednesday after it had rained heavily on Tuesday night. Jonathan was shooting baskets before school. He tossed the basketball high in the air. It was a perfect shot. The ball landed in the center of a mud puddle, just as Aaron passed by. Mud splattered all over his clean clothes.
As Jonathan and Yolanda were laughing, Debbie picked up Jonathan’s books, which he had left at the edge of the court, and threw them in the mud.
Gabriel ran up behind her and stamped his foot into the mud, getting himself muddy, but Debbie muddier.
It continued all day. Only Laura’s cap remained mud-free. It never left her head, despite numerous attempts by Monkey Town to steal it. Her cap became the most prized possession of the war. It was Pig City’s flag. As long as she wore it, Pig City was the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Thursday, Allison opened her lunch sack and saw a pin sticking through the side of her carton of fruit punch, near the bottom. To everyone’s amazement, none of the punch had leaked out. “Do you think it’s safe to drink?” she asked.
“Take the pin out first,” cautioned Tiffany.
Allison removed the pin, and the punch leaked out the hole and onto her lap.
All week, Monkey Town continued to sing their song over and over and over again. Laura hated that more than anything else.
It was like a stupid song you hear on the radio or a silly jingle from a television commercial. No matter how much you hate it, you catch yourself humming it all the time.
It drove her crazy. When she went to bed at night, she’d hear her brain singing, “Monkey Town. Monkey Town. Gonna turn Pig City upside-down.”
We’ll see who turns who upside-down! she thought angrily.
The morning messages didn’t stop.
Tuesday: MONKEYS ARE MORONS
Wednesday: PIGS PICK THEIR NOSES
Thursday: MONKEYS CHEW THEIR TAILS
Friday: PIGS WEAR WIGS
Those were the messages that everyone got to see, anyway. Each message had been changed at least once, usually twice or three times, as Gabriel and Laura sneaked back and forth into the room one after the other in a dangerous game of chicken. On Friday, the last change was made from PIGS ARE WISE to PIGS WEAR WIGS only seconds before the bell rang.
The number 13 was placed next to the rectangle under DICTIONARY.
After lunch on Friday, Laura led Pig City around the side of the school to the door through which she entered every morning. “Now, nobody act suspicious,” she cautioned. “Pretend you’re supposed to be here.” They sneaked inside.
The school was much more crowded during lunch than it was early in the morning. Teachers were everywhere, talking to each other or carrying books and papers from one room to another.
The citizens of Pig City walked straight toward Mr. Doyle’s room, as if they owned the place.
A teacher crossed their path. She looked at them suspiciously.
“It’s not fair we have to stay inside during lunch,” Nathan complained. “Just because we didn’t finish our work.”
“Can we go outside?” Debbie asked the teacher.
“No,” she said. “You have to finish your work.” She continued on her way.
They walked through the yellow curtain.
Quickly and quietly, they turned every Monkey Town desk upside-down. They had to lift each desk up off the floor, then turn it over and gently set it down, so as not to make a lot of noise.
Laura wrote on the blackboard.
As Aaron and Allison turned over Karen’s desk, it opened, and papers and books spilled out onto the floor.
Laura told them to stuff all her junk back in her desk. “We don’t want to make a mess,” she said. “Mr. Doyle might get mad.”
28
Truce
The class was in an uproar. “‘Monkeys Kiss Donkeys!’” someone shouted. “That’s what it says! ‘Monkeys Kiss Donkeys!’”
“Quiet!” Mr. Doyle shouted. “My word. Can’t you come back from lunch without all this screaming and yelling? There are other classes going on, where, believe it or not, people are trying to do work. I know that sounds silly to most of you, but – Howard, what seems to be the problem?”
“My desk is upside-down,” said Howard.
“Well, I’d say you have two choices, Howard. You can either sit on your head, or turn your desk right side up.”
Howard chose the latter. The other members of Monkey Town did the same.
Mr. Doyle erased the board and put the number 14 where the number 13 had been.
“A wise person learns from the mistakes of others,” he said. “An average person learns from his own mistakes. And a fool never learns. Here is today’s homework assignment.”
“But it’s Friday!” someone complained.
“I’m glad to see you know your days of the week,” said Mr. Doyle. “Maybe you’ll learn how to tell
time and tie your shoes. This is a kindergarten class, isn’t it?”
Nobody said anything.
Mr. Doyle piled on the homework.
“It’s not fair that we should all be punished because some people’s desks were upside-down,” someone complained.
“Only the people with upside-down desks should be punished!” said Tiffany.
Mr. Doyle said that it wasn’t punishment. He explained that since they had wasted so much time during the day with childish nonsense, they would have to make up the work at home.
“If you waste any more class time,” he said, “then you’ll have more homework.”
Laura knew it was punishment. They had only wasted about fifteen minutes, and he had assigned over an hour’s worth of homework. It was punishment, and everyone knew it, and Mr. Doyle knew they knew it, and he wanted them to know it.
When the bell rang, Gabriel came to Laura’s desk and asked if he could talk to her alone.
Laura immediately covered her cap with her hand.
“I’m not going to take your cap,” Gabriel said. “I just want to talk to you, president to president.”
Allison and Tiffany came to her defense.
“I want to talk to Laura, alone,” said Gabriel.
“Did you hear somebody say something, Allison?” asked Laura.
“No, I didn’t hear anything; did you hear anything, Tiffany?”
“No, I didn’t hear anything,” said Tiffany.
“Laura,” said Gabriel.
“Something smells,” said Laura. She held her nose. “What is it?”
“It smells like old garbage,” said Allison.
“Like my brother’s dirty socks,” said Tiffany.
“Laura,” Gabriel said again.
“Oh!” Laura exclaimed. “It’s Gabriel!”
Allison and Tiffany laughed.
Gabriel stared at Laura.
“Okay,” she agreed. “But no tricks.”
“No tricks,” he promised.
She kept her hand on her cap.
They walked outside to an open area, where Tiffany and Allison could watch but couldn’t hear. “What?” she asked.
“I think we should make some rules,” said Gabriel.
“Rules?” questioned Laura. “All’s fair in –” She stopped herself just in time. The expression was “All’s fair in love and war.” “What kind of rules?” she asked.
“Mr. Doyle’s getting mad,” said Gabriel. “If we’re not careful, we’ll all get kicked out of school. I think we should work out a truce. We could take turns writing on the board instead of risking our lives sneaking in after each other. You have Monday, I have Tuesday, you have Wednesday …”
“I’m not afraid of Mr. Doyle,” said Laura.
“The whole class got in trouble today,” said Gabriel. “Not just us. I don’t think that’s fair.”
Laura felt bad about that, too. “How do I know I can trust you?” she asked.
“Trust me?” Gabriel asked, pointing to himself. “I’m the one who’s taking a chance trusting you!”
“What’s that’s supposed to mean?” Laura demanded.
Gabriel backed off. “Sorry,” he said. “We’ll just have to trust each other.”
“How do I know it’s not another one of your tricks?” she asked.
“I said, you can trust me. Look, just because you always lie, that doesn’t mean everybody else does.”
“What? I never lie!”
“Oh, yeah, right!”
“You’re unbelievable,” said Laura. She turned her back on him, swishing her hair behind her.
“Laura, look out!” shouted Allison.
She instinctively covered her hat with her hand and crouched down to her knees.
Howard charged into and fell over her.
The members of Pig City rushed to her.
“I’m okay,” she told them, getting up. She looked at Howard still on the ground, then at Gabriel. “Oh, yeah, I can trust you, can’t I?”
“What are you, a Girl Scout?” he asked.
“I just missed it, Gabe,” said Howard.
Laura led Pig City away. Behind them, Monkey Town sang:
“Monkey Town, Monkey Town …”
“Monkeys are mustard!” Aaron turned and shouted.
Laura covered her ears and hummed until they were far enough away. “We need a song!” she declared.
They all agreed.
“‘The Pig City National Anthem,’” said Nathan.
They decided that Kristin should write it, since she was the best writer.
“Do you think you can have it by tomorrow?” Laura asked her.
“I guess so,” said Kristin.
“Good. Tomorrow we all meet in the Dog House,” said Laura. “And I want everybody to bring mustard,” she added. “Lots of it. As much mustard as you can get your hands on.”
Nathan looked at his hands. “That will be kind of messy, won’t it?”
29
Mustard!
Laura opened the refrigerator door.
“Can I make you something?” asked her mother.
Laura pulled out a jar of mustard. “Is this all the mustard we have?” she asked. The large jar was more than half full.
Her mother laughed. “How much do you need?”
“A bunch of kids are coming over,” Laura explained.
“Well, I think that should be enough,” said her mother. “Now what do you want with your mustard? I can put some corn dogs in the microwave.”
“Nothing, just mustard,” said Laura. She took it to the back door. “I’ll be in the Dog House.”
“Laura!” said her mother.
“What?”
Her mother stared at her a moment then shook her head. “Nothing.” She shrugged. “When I was a girl I used to eat peanut butter straight from the jar.”
“How gross!” said Laura. She opened the back door.
“On your way, if you don’t mind, would you move the sprinkler to over by the rosebushes? Thank you.”
The lawn sprinkler was in the middle of the yard, spewing water in all directions. Laura set the jar down, then reached behind a shrub and turned off the water. She moved the sprinkler next to the three yellow rosebushes at the side of the yard. She turned the water back on, then took her mustard to the Dog House. There’s a lot more you can do with mustard, she thought, besides put it on a corn dog!
Within a half hour everyone arrived – with mustard.
“We had four different kinds,” said Aaron. “This one’s French mustard; this one has brown sugar and horseradish …”
“Yuck-ola,” said Allison.
“This one’s got wine and garlic,” Aaron continued, “and this one has dill.” He passed his unusual mustard around for the others to smell.
“Your mother’s crazy,” said Debbie. “No offense.”
“Now what’d she do?” asked Laura.
“She told me that next time, I didn’t have to bring my own mustard. She said she had plenty of mustard here, all I could eat. What does she think I’m going to do? Eat this stuff right out of the jar?”
“She told me the same thing,” said Nathan.
“She eats peanut butter out of the jar, too,” said Laura.
All the mustard was set down on the coffee table, some in jars and some in plastic bags.
“So what’s the plan?” asked Debbie.
“We can rub it in their hair,” suggested Nathan.
“Stick it in their shoes!” laughed Allison.
“And their desks,” said Aaron.
“Down their pants,” said Tiffany. She lay flopped across the purple bean bag chair.
Laura sat still in the swinging chair. “We’re going to divide and conquer!” she said.
Nobody looked very impressed. Laura was a little disappointed, but she knew they’d like her plan once they heard all the details.
“Okay. First, we have to learn our song,” she said. “Do you have it, Kristin?”
Kristin nodded. She was so nervous, she hadn’t said a word since she arrived.
“Well, let’s hear it!” said Tiffany.
Kristin stood next to the television. “See, since it’s our national anthem, I wanted to make it sound patriotic.”
“That’s good!” said Nathan.
“So, it’s the same tune as ‘Yankee Doodle.’” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and sang:
“Laura Sibbie went to class.
Her hair was long and pretty.
Stuck a feather in her cap,
And called it Pig City!”
She smiled, then took another breath.
“Pig City is the best!
Monkey Town is mustard!
They’re uglier than Mr. West,
And mushier than custard!”
She blushed. “That’s it.”
Everyone clapped their hands.
“That’s great, Kristin!” said Nathan.
“It’s a lot better than the Monkey Town song!” said Allison.
“It’s the best song I ever heard,” said Aaron.
Kristin beamed.
Wait till Gabriel hears that! thought Laura.
“Who’s Mr. West?” asked Tiffany.
“Who?” asked Aaron.
“She sang they were uglier than Mr. West,” said Tiffany. “So, who’s Mr. West?”
“Oh,” said Kristin.
“Who is he?” asked Debbie.
“I don’t know,” Kristin admitted. “I couldn’t think of anything else to rhyme with ‘best.’ Do you think it matters?”
“No, there’s probably a Mr. West somewhere who’s ugly,” said Nathan.
“That’s what I thought,” said Kristin.
“It’s a common last name,” Tiffany agreed.
They all agreed it didn’t matter. They memorized the words, then rehearsed it until they could sing it perfectly. Every time they finished, somebody would shout, “One more time!”
“Laura Sibbie went to class.
Her hair was long and pretty.
Stuck a –”
The door burst open.
“Now!” Gabriel hollered. He was standing in the doorway without a shirt. In his hands he held the lawn sprinkler, turned off and pointed away from him. The water shot out. “All the way!” he yelled.