by Lydia Thorn
“I consider rubbing our cocks together, sex.” He says as if he’s replying to my base thoughts.
I unbutton his shirt and open it, running my tongue over his right nipple forcing a moan from his lips.
“Who was that guy in the pool?”
“You mean Jericho?” I ask. Is he jealous? “He’s a friend from Japan. And before you get jealous, he’s only a friend.”
“Who says I was going to get jealous?” He presses his lips together when I bite his nipple. He puts his hands in his pocket and I already envision him jerking off for me. “Shit, I think I left my phone at the diner or bar or something.” I pull myself away from his body, I notice for the first time that he doesn’t really have a smell. He’s such a void that even scents are absorbed in him. “Mom…I know…When Kiki leaves just lock my window, she has no other way of getting in…um…I’ll make him this time…bye.” He sits down my phone but doesn’t release it. “My mom wants us to use condoms.”
“I can borrow some from my brother.” I perk up at the thought of sex, I feel like a nerd who studied hard for the finals and is ready to take the test. I wasn’t happy with my first performance and was eager to make it up.
“We’re not having sex.” He laughs. I notice he doesn’t release my phone and I get up allowing him to have the liberty of looking through it if he wanted. I know what he would want to check for even if he’s not bringing it up. “Where are you going?”
“We still need condoms even if we’re not having sex,” I reply wanting to already dive back in bed.
I went to Jericho’s room and found him on the bed looking through his phone. “Condoms are in my bag.” He says not even looking up from the screen. Am I that transparent?
“Your lover is in Japan and you still carry around condoms?” I say shifting through his bag until I find just what I need.
“We have an understanding.” He says finally looking at me and holds up the screen for me to take a look. “Take a look at this.”
“What the hell is this a hookup site?” I ask looking at the pastel designs and hot men as the main motif. The site’s title is: e-Boyfriend.
“I’m inspired by your situation. Think of all the lonely gay men in the world searching for love but can’t find it. What if this is a market that needs to be satisfied?”
“This is your doing?” I ask and chuckle. “You know this is prostitution.”
“None of my boys will be required to have sex with the clients. Strictly giving them the boyfriend experience.”
“Whatever happened to not wanting to work just invest?” I say bringing up his former words to me.
“Maybe I didn’t find my passion.”
I leave him to his work and head back to my room but Raven isn’t waiting for me in bed. He flies into my arms instead. “What is this for? Are you the stage five clinger type?” I laugh.
“No!” He pulls away, his pale skin getting flushed pink.
“I don’t think I would mind it if you are.” I bring him back in and taste his neck, the collar is still there, I forgot about it and he never bothered me about taking it off.
“Let’s watch some Netflix.”
“In bed.”
Raven nods.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
LOUIS
We didn’t have sex even though I knew that’s what Ivan wanted; Instead, we watched some new show which I fell asleep on. I knew sex would continue to muddy the waters even more but there is also a part of me that has become more afraid now than ever before. When our relationship was fake, when the sex meant nothing, I could prepare myself for the end. I could tell myself that I’m leaving for Paris and it’s no big deal.
I have no more cushions to land on and now I’m thinking any action I take that leaves him unsatisfied is a strike against me. Maybe he will realize Damien’s maturity will lead to a much better experience. With him, he can put all his newly acquired knowledge to good use, and with a lover who can tell him if he’s doing it right or not.
Thinking about this is pissing me off. But maybe I’m overthinking it. When I looked on his phone, I didn’t see the dick pic he took of me, so maybe that’s a good sign. Ugh, the feeling of playing second fiddle to Damien is a tough shell to crack.
I can feel a bit of a hangover, nothing much, I just have a headache and feel like I’m wearing weighed ankle straps. Thank God it’s Friday and almost everyone is studying for the exams, speaking of which, I should probably hop on that, too. It’s not as if I’m attending the senior party tomorrow night anyway.
My mother has her bleached blonde hair swept into a bun, her brown roots coming in and she isn’t in a rush to touch it up. I’ll be happy if she lets her light brown hair grow in as I prefer it to the bleached blonde look. Her eyes are red as she tries to wipe them clean of tears.
“Is it dad?” I ask, my heart in my throat.
“It’s nothing.”
“You always say that and it’s always something.”
“I’m just angry and frustrated, those pissant doctors obviously got their degree at medical clown college.” She bursts into a rant. “Not a single one of them can give me a clear answer about anything.” She stops cleaning the plate and march into the living room and sits on the couch. She’s broken her fair share of plates in anger before so this is a better course of action before we’re eating out of our hands. “If he won’t recover and will just spend the rest of his days as a fucking invalid then I want to know—”
“So, you can kill him?” I fling the accusation wildly, the words flowing from my mouth in anger and fear.
“What?! No!”
“That’s what you said!”
“I didn’t say anything like that!”
“You implied putting him down like a lame dog.”
“How dare you!” She stands and get in my face. “I’ve had to drag you to the hospital to see your father because, in your little emo world, you couldn’t be bothered to see him.” She points her finger into my chest. “The nerve you have to lecture me on what to do, get the hell out of my sight!”
I do as she says and leaves her in peace. Just what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like shit straight away. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
Kiki steps out of the closet wearing a shirt she tore up into a style and black jeans. Just how the hell does she keep getting her clothes? “Didn’t know you had such a bitchy streak.” She says giving me the ‘you know you dun fucked up’ look.
“Go away Kiki I don’t want to hear your shit right now.”
“You wouldn’t be the first to tell me that and you wouldn’t be the first to hear I don’t give a shit.” She folds her arms ready to go full lecture. She’s been hanging out with my mother for too long. “Maybe when you’re in love one day then you would know how she feels. It can’t be easy to go from living your life with the man you love to watching him deteriorate right in front of ya.”
I wouldn’t know how it feels…It’s like Niagara Falls. I can’t stop the sudden waterworks.
“Jesus. Didn’t expect that…men crying is just weird.”
“Shut up, bitch.”
“Who the hell shit in your cereal this morning?”
“I think I do know what it’s like to love someone, but that person could still love someone else,” I say leaning against the wall.
“The mystery stud?” She clicks her teeth. “See, this is what happens when you let emotions interfere with a good dicking.”
“I need to apologize to my mom,” I say ignoring her and heading back out to the living room and wrap my arms around my mom as she cries. “Mom, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that I’m just angry about other stuff and I took it out on you.” I say, telling her the truth. “I love you both so much and seeing dad like that is hard. And everything is on you emotionally. I figured if I got into Alexandre you wouldn’t have to worry about helping me pay for school. I know that even if I told you not to help me you would anyway. I get out of school; I have a guaranteed paid
internship and a job waiting after that.”
“Sweetheart. We’ve been struggling for longer than I care to.” She wipes her tears again. “But taking care of me and your dad is not your problem. You should be enjoying school and focused on building a life for yourself. Not stuck here with a mom who can’t even sell one damn novel.”
“The pubs are gatekeeping shitheads.” I groan. This one was her twelfth novel and still no biters.
“It’s my twelfth one and like the others, it might go into the failure pile.” She heaves a sigh. “Looks like answering phones for Fred’s discount auto is the future I’ll have to accept for myself.”
I laugh and keep my arm around her. “Then we’re both failures.” I smile. “What a pair we make.”
She laughs. “I still don’t know who this mystery benefactor is and still I’m grateful to this person, but the thing about benefactors is that your relief lasts so long as their benevolence. We need something in stone.”
“I agree, I doubt this care will last forever.” Even if Ivan and I end up together, I can’t just expect him to keep covering my dad’s medical expenses. Hell, if he’s paying now, he shouldn’t be. I’m gonna have to talk to him about that when I call him. Oh yeah about last night’s missing phone. I lied. I just wanted him to give me his phone so I can check for the dick pics.
“Talk to me, not about our troubles but anything else. I need to take my mind off everything.”
“He’s having man troubles,” Kiki shouts from the hall.
“Kiki.”
“Ugh, might as well get your ass in here.” My mother groans but I know that if she wanted Kiki gone she would be gone.
“Yay!” Kiki rushes in and plops in the chair.
“Did you tell me how you and this man met?” My mom asks and now I’m sweating bullets.
“Uh…maybe?”
“That’s a no.” She replies settling in. “So, how’d it happen? And what’s his name?”
“Ivan and we met at school.” I search for ways to omit the gory details. Not many mothers will be happy to hear their son tried to blackmail a man only to begin prostituting himself to that man.
“Obviously. I asked how you met. You know, the circumstances.”
“Study hall.” K.I.S.S. Keep. It. Simple. Stupid.
“C’mon!” My mom is not happy with my obtuseness. “Why are you so damn vague?”
“Cause he’s hiding all the juicy bits. Nobody wanna be tellin’ their momma everything.”
“Great.” She huffs and gets up. “Then I’m heading to bed.”
I see her wink at Kiki. Oh god.
“How did you know you were in love with dad?” I ask before she leaves.
“When he was willing to ride in the bitch seat.” She smiles wistfully but I can’t stifle my laughter.
“You’re serious?”
“Hell yeah.” She grins. “At the time I thought every biker was more concerned with how their bike made them look than anything else. So, I kinda thought he would make a big stink outta me asking him. But he let me ride his bike and rode in the bitch seat.” She shrugs. “We rode damn near the entire route 66 and ended up completely lost at some old diner somewhere. It took up until the next day to reach the lake he wanted to take me to and I was so tired and every muscle ached. We didn’t even make love, he just laid me down and rubbed my head and feet.”
I think of Ivan and the time he didn’t want to have sex but instead, he made me feel so good.
“I need a man to rub my damn feet,” Kiki exclaims looking at her crusty toes.
“Are you in love?” My mom says, her features softening.
“Maybe…I think…but it’s purely one-sided.”
“Bull, any man would be happy to have you.”
“Says his mom!” Kiki bursts out laughing.
“Being his mom has nothing to do with it!” She waves her off dismissively. “He has a nice tight little butt just like his father.”
“Mom!” I exclaim embarrassed as hell.
“Why doesn’t this Ivan love you?” She says incredulously. I can almost picture her going to his place and dragging him out by his ears. “What the hell is wrong with him?”
“It’s because I’m plain and boring.”
“You feel that way because you’re placing too many burdens on yourself instead of relaxing and having fun, anybody will think their boring if all they do is work and go home. Leave the worrying to me, I’ve already got the wrinkles.”
“Nah, he’s just boring.”
“Thanks a lot…”
“Knowing what the problem is the first step to solving the problem.”
“…”
“You need to upgrade your fashion and get a nice haircut, it’s no longer the early 2000s.” Kiki props her foot on the olive-green ottoman. “You know I can use you as a practice dummy.”
“For what?”
“I’ve decided what I wanna do with my life,” Kiki smirks. Oh God, this is another one of her crazy plans. “I’m gonna be a stylist!”
“How cute.” My mom says looking her up and down. “Might as well.”
“Hell no, I’m gonna let you trim my brows or something crazy. I may be a twink but do I have to be so damn obvious?”
“It’ll be fun and it’ll keep you from sulking in this house all day.” My mom reaches for her purse nearby and smacks a hundred bucks in my hand. “Tell me how it goes.” She says leaving us alone.
“Now that she’s gone, tell me all the juicy parts.”
“I walked in on him blowing his math teacher while he was sleeping,” I say, might as fucking well get it out, I was dying to talk to someone about this and even though Kiki has a big mouth, it’s not like she goes to the school.
“I knew it was juicy!” She kicks her feet off the ottoman and leans forward, eyes wide and listening intently. “Keep going.”
“I tried to blackmail him for money.”
“Why didn’t you let me in on this?”
Come to think of it, Kiki probably would have been more help than Toby. I laugh inwardly. “I took pictures.”
“I want them!”
“They’re deleted.”
“Shit!”
“…He took me to an abandoned bus and seduced me then took pictures of me with my dick out.”
“Kinky.”
I told her every gory detail with her only commentating at certain points. She called me stupid a few times, told me I should have fucked him every chance I got and screw taking it slow. The things I expect from her.
“He already wants you so why keep reminding him of the math teacher for?” She curls her lip upward annoyed with me.
“How am I supposed to know that?”
“Him being all on ya like a panting dog.” She sighs. “I’m sure you have other proofs you don’t want to face.” She smiles. “Has he been romantic?”
“One time he didn’t want to have sex with me. He just laid me down and blew me nice and slow. The experience was so overwhelming.”
“He made love to ya.”
“I can’t let you carry me away like this. I need to stay grounded in reality.” I begin to fidget; I want to believe that’s true but… “He could decide at any time that he’s done testing out a real relationship and end it. If Damien shows him the slightest interest, that might be it too.”
“You know I give you shit for your looks but trust me when I say that you look boring it’s because you put no effort into how you look. You’re not ugly. There is no way ya can’t compete against this old fart who has to pretend he was sleeping to get a blow job.”
“I doubt he was pretending.”
“Bitch please, that motherfucker had a hot guy slobbing his knob and didn’t notice? Yeah, fucking right.” She says it like I’m the most clueless person on the planet. “And cut out all this reality nonsense cause love’s got nothing to do with that. What you need is a makeover, new clothes and I’ll cut ya hair myself.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
The man with the mauve hair and white and grey suit crosses his legs when we finish our presentation. The conference room is silent when Gina turns on the bright lights revealing the large oval glass table and the men and women seated around it. My brother leans back in his chair, waiting for a response from the others. This was my presentation, and he didn’t want to focus the attention on himself.
Despite the other investors at the table, the one who matters the most is Maximillian, the one I described. An eccentric billionaire with an eye for future tech. My brother didn’t tell me he would be here, I’m sure it's because he’s testing how well I respond under pressure. If I can get Maximillian to invest, we might not have to spend our own capital on the project.
“Good show.” Maximillian claps, the other investors follow. “We will reconvene next week to make a final decision, but I liked what I heard so far. I’m very interested in building a space station in interplanetary space before I’m old and wrinkled and I’m interested in anything to make that possible sooner rather than later.”
“I sometimes dream of building space ships and traveling the stars, I see this as more than a project to diddle around with, but the first step to making that ultimate goal a reality,” I say voicing something in common with him hoping to wheel him in.
“A pathway to the greatest frontier.” He holds up his mug. “I’d love to have you here next week.”
“I’ll be happy to be here.”
“And you, Miss, you are a genius.” He looks at Gina. “If this goes well we can have hundreds of drones exploring interplanetary space in less than five years.”
“I can’t wait.” She replies with a sigh.
I feel like I can finally breathe again when the meeting is adjourned. The spring air feels especially nice.
“Congrats, little brother.” My brother shakes my hand. I did it, it’s over and done with and now I can eat a restaurant I’m so damn hungry. But something else is nagging me, how I left our conversation at the hospital and I almost feel like today was some sort of true transition into manhood that my brother was somehow guiding me through. In many ways, this man in front of me is more than my brother, he’s my father, my real father, in every way that counts and I want to speak to him as a man.