by Lindsay Becs
Chapter 15
SUSAN
Driving past Ru’s house, I see Mrs. Hunter has hung the flag out, indicating that they got a letter from him. It’s become a sign for the family that they received a paper of hope. And for that day, they can all have a sense of relief that he’s alright.
I get my own letters delivered to my house. Sometimes on the same days they get theirs, and other times it’s different. I can’t help the tightening in my chest every time I see their flag hung, in hopes that I have my own waiting for me.
The days when I don’t turn my stomach sour until the next letter arrives. I live for those short, sweet notes that he sends. It’s already been four months since he left home and two that he’s been in Vietnam itself.
I try my best not to read the paper or listen to the radio too much when things are said about the war where my heart is fighting to get back to me.
Pulling in the driveway to my house after spending the day at the local community college where I’m taking a typing class, I rush inside, hoping to find a tattered envelope waiting for me like the Hunters have.
Leaning against my desk lamp in my room it sits. I smile and dip my head, almost like he’s there looking at me like he did our last night together. Closing my eyes, I can visualize him here with me. Tall and strong, taking over the space of my small room with his being.
This letter is number twenty-seven. We may number them, but I couldn’t care less about the order. As long as his letters are coming to me, I know his heart is still beating, and that’s really all I care about.
My hands shake as I grasp his words in my hands, my lifeline to the man I love. Tears spring to my eyes as soon as they land on his messy handwriting. It’s the most beautiful thing I could see, each and every time.
A small circle that looks like a ring falls out, making a tear streak down my face. It looks like a torn piece of his uniform that he’s made into a ring. Grasping it in my hand, I read his letter, gasping when I see what he’s written.
WILL YOU MARRY ME, SUSIE?
I wear your ribbon every day, and it gives me so much comfort knowing it’s yours. Will you wear this smelly, ridiculous ring I made for you? It may not be a ring worthy of you, but it’s all I can give you right now. If you say yes, I promise to put a real ring on your finger when I get back. I want you to be mine in every sense of the word. Please, say yes to me, Susie sweetheart.
I LOVE YOU!
A sob catches in my throat as I read and reread his words over and over. Sliding on the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen, I smile, feeling more complete than I have since he left.
There were so many things we left unsaid, but now, in these precious letters, we bare our souls, and it’s the most amazing thing to watch his love for me unfold in his written words.
I write him back with my million yeses and a new ribbon to keep him safe. Sniffing, I wipe my eyes, drop my letter in the mailbox, and head to Ru’s house to tell his family—my new family—that we’re engaged. Even if he doesn’t know it yet.
RU
Hearing the great big helicopter coming for us in the early morning hours after we huddled together, not knowing if we’d make it out, was one of the best sounds ever.
Doc, Tiger and I were brought back to camp, where we got to shower, sleep on a bunk, and eat a real meal for the first time in weeks. My body was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop. It was becoming harder and harder to even see my Susie when I closed my eyes.
Feeling like I can breathe for the first time in days, I lie down on my bottom bunk just as mail starts being delivered. “PFC Hunter comma Rupert” is called, and I jump up, needing to feel a piece of home more in this moment than I have since I left.
I’m handed a stack of eight letters, and a small grin crosses my tired face at how loved I am back home. I know I’m lucky to have a family, a girl, friends, and a whole community writing to me when other guys have no one. I’ve even asked Betty Jo to write a few of the guys I’ve met to give them a sense of hope and purpose.
I have a letter from my grandparents, a larger envelope from the church, two letters from my family, and four from my Susie. Not giving a care about what number letter I’m on, I tear one open.
It’s not until I open the third letter from her that I pause. A new, silky, untarnished pink ribbon rests inside. Feeling the soft silk between my fingers feels like melted butter. It’s weird that a piece of ribbon can stir up so many emotions inside me, but it does.
I pull out the letter next and let out a loud yell when I see written in big bold letters:
YES!
Followed by the sweetest words of love from my girl, my heart, on the other side of the world. My hand covers my smile as I read her acceptance of my lame proposal that was so unworthy of her.
I’ll never understand why she cares about me or loves me even a little bit, but I’m done fighting against it.
“What’s got that big smile back on your face?” Tiger asks me, walking in and hopping on the bunk above me.
“She said yes, T. Susie is gonna marry me,” I tell him.
His head appears over the side of his bed, and he throws a punch at my arm. “Congrats, man!”
I swallow, and my face falls then when reality catches up. “Is it wrong? Am I stringing her along only to set her up for heartbreak when I don’t come home?”
“Don’t do that. You know we can’t think like that. We’re getting home. You and me. We’ll make it back. And I’m gonna watch you marry little Miss Ribbons.”
Tiger is the only real friend I’ve made here. He got his nickname after the bouncy tiger from Winnie the Pooh because of the amount of scars that line his limbs and body from his nasty father. Although, I’m the only one who knows the truth of that. Just like he’s the only one I’ve told about Susie. About how much I regret not holding her more before I left or seeing her face the first time when I told her I loved her.
“Yeah, you’re right. I know,” I agree and allow myself to enjoy this moment of happiness a little bit longer.
Two days later, with my new ribbon added to the first, Tiger, Doc and I are dropped back into the jungle with another group, knowing we’re replacing lives lost.
Chapter 16
SUSAN
I’m barely in the door when I hear the phone ringing. “Hello?” I answer out of breath.
“I love you.”
Three little words wash over me fierce and fast. Instantly, I collapse in the kitchen chair.
“I love you. I love you. I love you,” I cry into the phone, holding it tightly against my ear like if I don’t, he’ll vanish.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. You doing alright?” Ru asks, sounding like he’s straining to talk.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Before he can answer, he coughs what sounds like a nasty cough. “Ru? Are you alright?”
“Don’t panic, but I’m at the hospital.” He pauses to cough again. “I have pneumonia.”
“Oh, Ru! I’m so sorry you’re sick, but I’m happy you aren’t more seriously hurt. You had me holding my breath for what you were going to say.”
He chuckles a little before it turns into another cough. “I can’t talk long. One of the nurses was kind enough to help me call you. It’s the one and only, sweetheart, but I really needed to hear your voice.” He barely gets the last word out before he’s hacking again.
“I love hearing yours too. Even if you are coughing up a lung every other word,” I laugh, trying to keep the conversation light. “Will you have to go back to fighting?”
“I go back in a few days. It’s alright; I’m sure Tiger is missing me. He thinks I’m real cute.”
“Oh, I just bet he does.” I smile. “You sound tired.”
“I am. But I don’t know if it’s from being sick or just my body not wanting to get out of these clean sheets. Clean sheets, Susie. It feels like heaven.”
My heart breaks for him hearing him talk about clean sheets like it’s the best thing in his w
orld.
“I’m glad, Ru. I’m real glad you get a chance to catch your breath and relax for once.”
“I have to go, sweetheart. I love you so much, Susie. Don’t ever forget that. No matter what happens, know I love you with my whole heart. That you are the only thing that gets me through the day. My brown-eyed girl.”
I sniff back my emotions from his vulnerable words. Soaking his voice and his words into every part of my heart and soul.
“I love you too, Ru. You’re the first and last thing I think about each day. I wear your ring and never take it off, kissing it each night before I go to sleep, pretending I’m kissing you goodnight.” I take a deep breath. “Come back to me, alright?”
“I’m trying, Susie. I promise you; I’m trying.”
“I know you are.”
“Bye, Susie. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I manage to get the words in before the line goes dead, but refuse to say goodbye, hanging my head and sobbing into my hands. It feels like he soothed and burned me all at once in a matter of minutes.
It’s all so much harder than I thought it would be. Being the one left behind, waiting, holding your breath each day, hoping his heart is still beating. Hoping that if he returns, he comes home whole, not just in body but in mind too. All the unknowns that plague me each day. And all the while, I feel guilty for feeling like that because he has it so much harder than I do.
But truth is, I’d do it all again if it meant he’d come home to me safe and sound and whole and still my Ru.
RU
Pneumonia hit me hard and fast. When they medevac’d me out, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening; I was so out of it. I hated to leave my platoon, but Doc didn’t give me a choice.
The whole time I was at the hospital, I felt guilty for sleeping in a bed with clean sheets instead of out with my guys. Who wouldn’t be there when I got back? Was my replacement a good enough shot to keep them safe?
But I got to hear my Susie’s voice, and it was everything.
Four days later, I was released and taken back to join my team, thankful that everyone was the same as when I left them almost two weeks ago. They all gave me a hard time for being clean and a baby that needed a Band-Aid for my boo-boos, but I knew they were happy to have me back, and I was glad to be back, regardless of the place. These were my guys. At least for now.
Once I was back, things seemed to pick up. Rains were non-stop and miserable, but that didn’t seem to slow down the fighting around us. You couldn’t go far without coming across the enemy and death. The green of the jungle was painted with red everywhere you looked.
We started losing men each day, and as much as I tried not to let it get to me, there was no ignoring the reality of death. It lurked in every corner of every day. And when we lost someone, a new body was dropped in to fill their shoes. They kept getting younger and younger too. I had just turned twenty and seemed like a grandpa at this point.
No one could sleep anymore. We couldn’t just have a one-man rotation for sleep. Each of us had to have eyes open and scanning at all times. Whether we were walking, stopping, or taking a crap, you had to keep watchful.
My nerves were shot. If I wasn’t smoking or rubbing my ribbons, my hands were shaking. I was smoking up to three packs of cigarettes a day when they were available, jumping or ducking at every sound we heard.
When push came to shove and we were in the middle of battle, adrenaline kicked in and it was kill or be killed. It was my job to shoot and protect my platoon, and I wasn’t going to hide from that, standing tall with my gun aimed and ready to take down anyone who tried to hurt these men I walked with.
The days seemed longer and longer as we all grew more and more weary, but this was our job. There was no turning back, only moving forward in hopes that one day we’d not only make it out of this hell, but win for the sakes of our families and loved ones back home.
The true realization that I might not make it home came when our umpteenth point man died. We needed a new one, and when I looked around at all the baby faces, I couldn’t stand the thought of them being the next to be sent home in a body bag.
Closing my eyes and taking a breath, I pictured Susie walking toward me in a white dress, ribbons in her hair, and a smile just for me.
Then, I pushed that dream out of my head and stepped forward to take the lead, knowing that I may never get the chance to actually make her mine after all.
Chapter 17
SUSAN
I need you to accept that the chances of me coming home are small. I need you to promise me you’ll move on if I don’t.
What was he talking about? My heart was pounding in my chest and my face fallen as I read the absurd words he’d written to me.
Know that it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I want nothing more than to be your husband, but I can’t keep making promises I won’t be able to keep.
Why is he giving up? Why is he turning his back on me? Us? He’s not giving us a chance. Why won’t he try?
These boys are so young, sweetheart. It’s just my time to step up and be the man I kept running from my whole life. It’s my turn to save lives.
But he’s young! Only twenty years old. He didn’t run from his responsibilities. If he had, he’d be here with me now, not there.
Please understand, sweetheart. Please forgive me. Please, please be happy.
I don’t understand! I don’t forgive him! I can’t be happy without him here! Doesn’t he understand that?
I will love you until my last breath and then some. My Susie, my brown-eyed girl, I love you.
I love you too, you fool!
Don’t leave me! Don’t give up on us!
Keep breathing! Keep loving me!
My heart beats for you. Keep yours beating for me.
“Come back to me, Ru…” I whisper as I clutch his letter to my chest, hoping it’ll somehow reach him. A plea from my soul to his. I need him to hear it, to feel it, as much as I do.
RU
War. It’s not for the faint of heart.
Vietnam. It’s not for the human.
Yet, here I find myself in the middle of both. You can try to fool yourself, saying that you’re alright, but you know it’s a lie. Nerves gone. Fear rampant. Anxiety high. Sleep non-existent. Shock everywhere. It’s far from normal, but it’s the normal you get used to.
I’ve been point man for a week. That’s five days longer than the last one. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. Each step is one closer to the end. That’s the truth I live by each day now.
The only times I get any sense of relief, of contentment and solace, are the few seconds I give myself to close my eyes in a heavy blink. Picturing Susie and rubbing her ribbons. It’s always gone too soon, but the sweet seconds of peace keep me going. Step after step.
Grunting, I try not to slide onto my butt as we trek our way down the steep mountainside, careful where I step not only so I don’t fall to my death but also to avoid boobytraps. My platoon is following in my direct path behind me and if I misstep, they do too.
Tiger, Gypsy and I are in front, trying to get to a flat break we can see below us. The others are waiting for our signal to follow down. After what feels like an eternity, we make it to the break, panting heavily from the harsh hike down.
“Shit. I was scared we were gonna become Humpty Dumpty for a second there,” Gypsy says with hands on his knees, trying to regulate his breath, while Tiger takes a drink from his canteen.
Chuckling at him, I scan the area around us to see if we’re good to signal the others. After a few minutes and each of us taking in our surroundings, we give the signal for them to make their decent.
No sooner do Tiger and I smile at each other that we made it do I see it.
A grenade.
I have mere seconds to make a decision. A choice that is the difference between life and death, not only for me, but for the guys with me.
Yell “cover” and
pray we all survive with minimal harm. Catch and throw it back, hoping it explodes far enough away to not only avoid harm but to land in a place that doesn’t crumble the earth beneath us. Or, take the impact and pray it’s enough to save those with me.
Watching it fly through the air toward me, the choice is easy. The grenade lands wedged between my gun and my body. Lifting my eyes to Tiger, I give him a nod and smile before pulling the gun into my body as tightly as I can.
I squeeze my eyes shut and see my family sitting around the table eating Ma’s roast beef dinner on Sunday after church. I see Georgy at Kellerman Road talking trash to the other racers. I see my Susie. I see her smile and her ribbons flowing in the wind as we sit on the roof of the barn. I feel her kiss on my lips, her hand in mine, and my heart beat with hers…
Chapter 18
SUSAN
It’s Friday, which means it’s sloppy joe and French fry night and one of the days I spend at the Hunter house. It helps me feel close to Ru, and they’ve completely welcomed me into their family, making me feel like one of them.
Parking my car, I get out, shivering from the chill in the air. The cold of winter is beginning on this early November day. The last few days I’ve felt colder, with an ache in my chest. Pulling my coat tight around me, I attempt to keep from getting sick.
Knocking on the door, I wait to be let in, a small bouquet of flowers for Mrs. Hunter in my hand. I couldn’t resist when I saw them today at new boutique in town.
The door opens, and I’m met with red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes. And I know.