by TC Matson
Shamefully, Kyce drops his head.
“This is not how we grieve. Not this family,” he demands, angrily. His eyes dart between his two sons. “Your mother. My wife of forty-three years…” He stops and squares his shoulders. “Jackson?” He calls out, his voice calming slightly.
Jackson glances to Sarah, wide eyed. “Yeah, Dad?”
“Set the table, please. If we wait on your brothers, we’ll be here for an eternity.”
“I’m sorry,” Kyce mutters.
Harold’s angry gaze lingers. “We’re a family without its rock now. We’re all going to slip off if we don’t hold on. Get a grip, boys.”
He breaks his glower and storms back out of the room, leaving the air within the four walls thick with hostility and raw emotions, violent with hurt and anger.
Kyce kisses my cheek, placing his truck keys in my hand. “Take my Tahoe when you leave,” he whispers and walks away.
“Wher—”
Jackson places a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head. “Let him go to cool off.”
The front door opens and then closes.
Whitney and Sarah watch me with tears in their eyes.
“I-um. I’m going to go,” my voice trembles and I take off.
Kyce isn’t home when I push into his house and check his room.
The bed is empty.
Jolie: I’m staying at your house. Please wake me up when you get here. I love you.
The message goes unread. I change into one of his shirts and curl into his bed. Tears flood my eyes as the scent of him envelops me. Knowing he’s hurting and I can’t help him is destroying me. I weep into his pillow until my cries empty out and sleep yanks me in.
Kyce didn’t show up…not even the next day.
Chapter 27
One week later…
Someone bangs on the front door and it hurts my fucking head. I roll over, covering my head with my pillow to dull the noise. Whatever time it is, it’s too damn early to be dealing with people.
I doze back out.
“Kyce!” Jackson yells and kicks the bed.
I lift the corner of the pillow and crack open an eye. My dickhead of a brother stands with his arms crossed over his chest like he’s just something else. “How the fuck did you get in and what the fuck do you want?”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Anger sears me. “I’m fucking sleeping!”
“It’s three in the afternoon.”
“Okay. Thanks for the update. Now go away.”
I drop the pillow back down, hoping the darkness will swallow me back into it.
He yanks the cover off me. “Get the hell up.”
I roll to my back, exposing my naked body in all its glory for him to see. Annnnd I smirk. “No.”
He tosses a pair of shorts at me. “When’s the last time you showered?”
I groan, sitting up. My head pounds. The room sways. Whiskey can do that when you try drowning yourself in it. “Fuck if I know. What’s today?”
“I get it,” he says, less loudly, more calmly. Thank fuck. “Losing mom is hard. It’s hard for all of us. But, dude, you can’t just drink your problems away.”
I chuckle, tilting my head toward him and squinting against the light. “I’m not. Did you know there’s small print at the bottom of the bottle?”
“Kyce,” he growls.
“Your voice hurts my head.” I massage my temples.
“Get the fuck up and take a shower. Then get your ass to work,” he commands.
“Fuck you and your nagging. I quit.”
He slams his fingers around my throat, grabs my arm, and lifts me off the bed, shoving me into the wall. He crams his nose into my face with fire bursting from his eyes.
“Oh, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you angry. Now I see why Ryker likes to piss you off. You’re so pretty,” I deadpan, dryly.
He squeezes. It slows the travel of air.
I try shoving him away, but he doesn’t budge and doesn’t loosen his grip. “What the fuck?” I croak, rage bursting.
Using my foot against the wall, I push. This time, my momentum moves him. He stumbles backward releasing my neck, and I lunge at him. We fall to the ground. I slam a few punches into his face before he snatches my arm, twisting me. With my back to the floor, he pins me. The fire in his eyes now a full inferno.
“This isn’t the way to do it, man!” he seethes in my face. “Mom would be devastated to know how you’re acting.”
“Mom’s not here!” The painful roar tears from my chest.
The room is silent except for our ragged breaths. Jackson’s eyes are raging. He blinks, shaking his head, and shoves me into the floor as he stands up. “The rest of us are.” It’s quieter and full of pain. “Dad. Ryker. Me. Gracie. Your world shouldn’t end because hers did. You know she’d be livid if she knew what you were doing, or lack thereof.”
I clamp my mouth shut staring at the ceiling.
“Everyone’s grieving, Kyce. But we’re trying to figure out how the hell to navigate life without her. You should too. At least try. Let us comfort one another instead of pushing us away.” He stands in silence for a minute. Wonder if he’s jealous of my dick?
“Jolie’s a mess. You’ve done her pretty dirty, if you ask me. If you’re not careful, you’re going to lose everything.”
His footsteps vibrate under my head as he walks out of the room. “And clean up this fucking mess. You’re not sixteen.”
The floor vibrates again when he slams the front door and it moves me to my feet. I sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. My phone beeps. I’ve got twenty text messages—half of them are from Jolie over the past week. Four missed calls—three of them are also her.
Tossing my phone over my shoulder, I grab the whiskey bottle and tip it up. Cold fire burns my throat.
Fucking Jolie… I’m done wasting my time with her. We both know our feelings were just infatuation from great sex. I don’t even want to love. Love fucking sucks.
And fuck Jackson too. Sorry asshole has always been a daddy’s boy. He has no clue what I’m going through. My biggest supporter, the woman who brought me into this world and loved me unconditionally is gone. No more daily talks. No more of her aggravating me about being the baby and needing to love. No more anything.
My rock is gone.
It’s dark when the sound of footsteps wakes me just moments before the lights flick on.
“Fuuuuccckkk,” I groan at the pain. “I’ve told you to fuck the fuck off.”
“Not to me, you haven’t. Say it to my face,” Jolie barks, sounding mad.
I crack an eye. She’s scowling. Anger and resentment are storming her gorgeous eyes and slashing down her brows. Oh, yeah. She’s mad. And she’s beautiful mad. I’d like to angry fuck her.
I smirk. “Looking for a little fun?”
She sneers, teeth showing and all. “Your brother called me.”
I drop my head back to the bed. “Keeping it in the family, huh? His dick not good enough? I assure you mine is way better than his.”
“How much have you had to drink?”
“Not enough,” I say. It’s the truth. I’ve slept all day, so my drinking isn’t on point today.
The bed dips as she moves to straddle me. My lips pull up and I grab her hips. “Yeah, baby. This is what I’m talking about. You’ll always come back to me.” I thrust upward.
“I’ve done what I thought was right and given you space, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to push me away and mourn like this. This isn’t the right way, Kyce.”
This again? I roll my eyes closed, gripping her hips and tossing her off me before sitting up. Running my hands through my hair, my fingers get stuck. Jolie moves off the bed and leans against the wall.
“Go take a shower,” she says.
“No.”
“I want to take you to get something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Do you hear yoursel
f? You sound like a defiant child.”
It pisses me off. I jerk to my feet, stalk to her, and bend, leveling a glower in her face. “I’m done. With you. Leave.”
“No.”
“Fuck you, Jolie. Get the fuck out of my house. We’re over. Our fake little love shit is done,” I grind out.
The slap comes out of nowhere, strong enough to jerk my head to the side. “Snap the fuck out of it, Kyce, before you lose everything.”
I slap the wall right beside her head and she flinches. “I already have!” I roar, vibrating from the anger.
She slams her palms into my chest and shoves me with all her might. “No you haven’t. I refuse to think your mother raised you to drown your sorrows in liquor. She raised you to be strong!” she screams, red in the face. “The rest of your family is putting one foot in front of the other and you’re here dead stopped in your tracks. Wake the fuck up! Be what your mother wanted you to be. If not for you, do it for her.”
I clench my jaw so tightly my teeth grind.
“You’re hurting and you’re not letting anyone help you through it.”
“I’m fine,” I spit.
“Look at you.” She waves a hand up and down my body. “You haven’t showered, shaved, cleaned up. Nothing. You look like shit and smell like a three-day-old drinking binge.”
“Leave.”
“No. Not until—”
I raise to my full height, towering over her and looking down at her. “Get. The. Fuck. Out.”
She sets her jaw and squares her shoulders. “Fuck no.”
“Jolie…” My voice shakes with rage.
“I’m not leaving, Kyce.” Her words, although caring, piss me off.
I punch the wall beside her face, knocking a hole into my sheet rock. She slams her eyes shut, flinching. My emotions rise up. Grief floods me. Anger rides a tidal wave of hurt and anguish. Shame swallows me. Misery surges with every expelled breath. Heartache, the one I’ve been fighting to keep away, comes rushing back.
Sheer nothingness threatens my soul.
The emptiness is deafening…
“Please leave me alone, Jolie,” I whisper past the lump in my throat.
“Kyce…”
“Please, Jolie. Just leave.” I hang my head, as the hole in my heart rips open fully.
I fall back to the bed, keeping my back toward her. My tears wet the fabric of the pillowcase, but I can’t stop them. I can’t stop the very fucking thing I’ve fought so damn hard against. I fucking can’t stop the pain.
Jolie’s sleeping, fully clothed and by the mess of her tangled hair, I know she hasn’t slept well. I watch her, her peaceful face, her breath slow and steady. I tried to douse her fire yesterday…today. Whenever it was. Misery loves company. I lost my temper. The fear in her eyes…
Fuck.
I don’t deserve her. She deserves a man who would never treat her like I did.
The pain of knowing I’ve probably screwed things up with her sits heavily on my chest. Quietly, I get out of the bed and shower the filth from my body. Water chases the soap bubbles down my skin for the first time in a week. In the steam, everything replays.
Cobwebs had tangled my mind. I was so lost in the darkness unable to seek the light. I was blinded by my own agony and tears. Relief and comfort from this nightmare refused to offer me any solace. I was anything but a man.
I hang my head under the water. I treated her like an insignificant object. I tried intimidating her. And if she decides to leave me, I’d move out of the way because it’s everything I deserve.
After showering and shaving, I sneak into the room and grab my clothes before making coffee. While it brews, I straighten up the mess, adding to my worthless feeling. I pour her a cup and take a deep breath before taking it to her.
My peace offering. Or maybe my goodbye.
She’s stirring when I enter and the moment she sees me, she jerks, sitting up.
I hand her the coffee, unable to look her in the eyes. “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry, beautiful.” I sit on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry for being a complete asshole acting the way I did. I’m sorry,” I repeat.
She sets the coffee on the table and places her hand on top of mine. “Please let me help you through this. Don’t push me away.”
“A man shouldn’t need help.”
“That’s bullshit. A real man will take the help because he knows he needs it. There’s nothing wrong with tears and seeking help, Kyce. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you stronger.”
I force a smile. “I need to go see my brother and apologize to him too. Possibly have my ass handed to me.”
“Sarah said he’s been at the gym after work a lot this week.”
I roll my eyes to the ceiling. “Fucking great.”
“Want me to come?”
I place a kiss to her cheek. It’s the first time I’ve felt her skin on my lips since Dad’s house. That day, the sun may have been shining, but my world was dark.
“No. I need to do this alone.”
She rests her forehead on my shoulder. “Promise me you’ll call when you get home.”
“How about I come to your house? Given I’m still in one piece, of course.”
Black storm clouds part and the sun pours down on me when she smiles at me. “I’d really like that.”
Chapter 28
I’m not scared of much. Losing Mom has always been my biggest fear, but I never really put any thought into it. When I fucked up and Whitney got hurt, I knew Ryker was going to murder me. Even then, I wasn’t afraid of my demise. I’m not fond of snakes, but that doesn’t keep me from going outside.
But right now, as I enter the gym, I’m terrified of my fate. I’m anticipating one hell of an ass whooping from one brother and having my ass handed to me by the other. I don’t foresee walking away from this. Maybe crawling, yeah. Or being rushed out in a stretcher, sure. Jackson is the oldest Hayes boy, and he’s a force to be reckoned with. He’s the reason Ryker took up MMA. Sure, I’m full of myself. Confidence runs deep in my blood. I’m pretty badass. The shit billows off me. I can beat the fuck out of someone with one arm tied to my ankle, blindfolded. Growing up with two badass brothers…It was my destiny to be equally badass. Which brings me to now. I’m confident that I’m going to dance on the line of death tonight.
My brothers are in the ring, a sight I haven’t seen in a very long time. Both of them are sweating, their bulky large bodies shining. Ryker is professionally trained for this. It’s his forte. Normally the man across from him is who he’s trying to demolish, but with Jackson in front of him, the viciousness in his glare is dimmer. Less scary.
“What’s this? Old verses new?” I call out swallowing my fear.
Both of them snap in my direction. Jackson’s eyes smile although he doesn’t. “Why don’t you come in and try out this old version.”
Ryker rumbles a sinister laugh. “I’d pay to see it.”
I don’t move. And being honest with you, I don’t want to. If I get into the ring, I’m a trapped gazelle in a cage of lions.
I scratch the back of my neck. “Looks like I’m dishing out apologies and you’re at the top of my list.”
The lions slip out from the ring and into open field, stalking me. “Oh yeah?” Jackson doesn’t take off his gloves.
“I’m sorry for yesterday. Or today. Just…I’m sorry.”
“How about the past week?” Ryker adds irked. “You left us to do everything while you pussied out.”
Ashamed, I drop my head, taking my eyes off my predators and not saying a word.
Jackson shoves my shoulder. “You realize the words at the bottom of the bottle are actually dates?”
I puff a chuckle. “Something like that.”
“It’ll get easier,” he says, his tone turning…fatherly? “But it won’t unless you keep moving forward.”
“It’s been hard for all of us,” Ryker adds.
I kick the floor, scuffing the bottom of my shoe and
braving up. “I’ll never get to tell her I love her again. I won’t get to tell her about my day or my girlfriend. She won’t talk me off the ledge when my temper gets the best of me. She won’t be at my wedding or hold my kids.” Desolation squeezes the life out of my soul again and it causes the bottom of my throat to burn. “It’s fucking selfish. I know. But I feel cheated. My ground is really fucking shaky right now.”
Ryker doesn’t smirk. Instead he burns me with a wide grin. “You’re just like Mom. Sensitive as ever. No wonder you were her favorite.” His attempt to lighten the heavy mood works and brings a ghost of a smile to my face.
“We’re the Hayes boys.” Jackson announces proudly. “We’ve been bestowed with Dad’s genes. His temper, his eyes, his determination. But I’ll have you know, Mom gave you something she didn’t give us—her strength. Mom held the family together with her love and words. Dad threatened us with is tone…something Ryker and I possess. You being the baby, Mom taught you how to deal with us knuckleheads. She knew Ryker was the biggest handful from birth.”
“She birthed warriors and raised us to be a family,” Ryker says. “Which will travel to our kids and hopefully to theirs. Dude, Mom is all over us.”
“I feel like a chump,” I admit.
“Because you are.” Ryker chuckles. “But you’re a Hayes, stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Look at you now. Baby chump of a brother standing in front of us…fearlessly.”
Jackson shoves me. “Now what did you say about marriage?”
I bark a laugh. “You must’ve been shining from my ass.”
He slaps my stomach. “You thinking about it?”
I shake my head.
“I knew within two months of meeting Sarah that she was my one. Ryker knew about Whitney sooner. Dad said he knew Mom was his one on the second date. It’s another Hayes niche,” Jackson says. “You’ve been fooling around with Jolie for months now. If you don’t feel it by now, quit wasting her time.”