A smile crossed his face. The first one in a while. “I’m feeling better. Just a little...fuzzy.”
“You’re buzzing.”
“Mhmm.” He dropped his crutches on the wood chips and settled into one of the swings. “It feels nice. Maybe I should drink more often.”
I sat in the open swing and toed the ground. I wanted to tell him no, he should never pick up a beer again, but who was I to say that? How could I explain that he needed to see drinking as casual, not as a means of escape? I’d seen first-hand where using substances for relief could lead. Lived under the same roof as two abusers and promised myself I would never live with one again.
“You think too much,” Jon said.
I leaned on the swing chain and looked over at him. “What do you mean?”
“We’re young, free; we should be having fun.”
“Okay, Wiz Khalifa,” I drawled.
He chuckled. “You’re funny too.”
“One of my many likable qualities.”
“You do have quite a few.”
“Mm?”
“Yeah,” he said. “You’re cute as hell. So damn sexy—”
“Okay, now I know you’re still drunk.”
“Psh.” He reached out and drew my swing closer so my knees were touching his brace. His eyes traveled my body and held my gaze. “My favorite thing about you, though? You fight for what you want, and you make it happen.”
If that was true, why did my heart feel like it was breaking right now? Like I was on a treadmill going just a little too fast, ready to fling me off the second I slowed down?
Still, I managed a smile. “Thank you.”
“You know,” he said. “You’re kind of perfect.”
“Now you’re just being over the top.”
He shook his head. “I’m serious, Abi.”
“Oh.” What else could I say?
“In all the things I’d imagined in a future wife...you’re it. And the fact that you’ve stayed with me through this.” He gestured at his leg. “I know you’ll always be here for me.”
“Of course, Jon.” I reached out and took his hand, trying not to show the fact that I was shaking about his use of the w-word. “I never expected life to be easy. Just better with you by my side.”
He stood up from the swing, practically dragging me to my feet. “Marry me, Abi?”
My mouth hung open. Only one word came out even though a million went through my mind. “What?”
His eyes were wide as he struggled to stay standing in front of me, swaying on one leg. “I’m serious. I love you. You love me. What are we waiting for?”
The thudding of blood rushed through my ears as Jon’s words crashed into my mind.
He just asked me to marry him. But it felt wrong. There was still beer on his breath.
“Jon, let’s go home,” I said.
“Why?” he asked, a troubled look crossing his expression as he wobbled.
“You’re drunk,” I said. “I’ll go get the car.”
“But...” He sat back on the swing, making the chains rattle. “You’re not going to say yes?”
Now the tears were coming—for both of us. “Of course I’m not going to say yes!” I cried.
He barely met my eyes. “You don’t want to marry me.”
More than anything. I wanted to marry Jon Scoller more than anything. But this guy sitting in front of me, I didn’t know who he was. “Not like this,” I said, wiping at tears. “Do you even a have a plan now?”
“What do you mean, ‘a plan’?”
“For your future!” I cried. “What do you want to do? What are you going to do without track?”
“You are my future, Abi. Nothing else matters.”
My lips trembled. “You’re a mess, Jon.”
Temper leached into his voice. “How could you say that?”
“Because, it’s the truth,” I said. And then it hit me. “You’re just like my dad. He had an injury and let it control his life. Let drugs and emotions rule instead of his mind. And now I’m with a guy who’d just proposed to me sitting on a park swing, three sheets to the wind.”
“How could you say that?” he demanded.
“Because it’s true,” I said, dropping into the swing myself. “This wasn’t supposed to be how it went,” I cried. “You were supposed to get your act together, figure out that you had more than running. That you had me. How can you know you want to marry me when you don’t even know who you are?”
Jon’s mouth opened and closed, but finally an angry expression covered his face. “You should leave me if I’m such a burden.”
“That’s not what I’m saying—”
“You should go,” he said. “You have better things to do.” He stood up and got his crutches. “I’m getting a cab. Don’t follow me.”
I stared at the man I used to love as his transformation to a stranger became complete. And then I walked the opposite direction.
Chapter Forty-Two
I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the place where we’d spent so many moments together. Where he’d given me a taste of forever with the real him before offering it with this new stranger.
Instead, I went to a coffee shop that stayed open late so people could study and ordered a smoothie. The fruit tasted like chalk though. My throat didn’t want to let anything into my churning stomach.
Maybe because I’d let my everything just walk away.
From the look on his face, an apology wouldn’t make this up. I’d broken his heart just as surely as he’d broken mine. And now, what were we? It felt like we were two pieces of ice that had broken apart and were now drifting aimlessly, seconds from melting and being lost altogether.
One of the employees approached me and said the shop was closing.
I just nodded and dumped my smoothie in the trash on the way out. I needed to go home—to the dorm. My new home.
Deep down, I hoped Jon would be waiting for me in the hallway when I got there, saying he was sorry, that he was joking, that he had a plan and a ring and that he’d thought through the proposal just as thoroughly as I’d daydreamed of forever with him.
But when I reached the hallway to my room, it was completely empty. With my heart weighing heavily, I trudged to my room, unlocked the door, and walked inside. Alone.
Part of me wanted to drive straight to Woodman and curl up next to Grandma on the couch while she comforted me, but I knew I needed sleep after everything that had happened. So, I crawled into my bed and curled under the covers, lying still until crying led to exhaustion and finally sleep.
Pounding on the door woke me hours later. I had no idea how long I’d slept, but the light outside was stronger than the wan morning rays I’d come to expect.
I rubbed my puffy eyes and stumbled toward the door.
There was Jon on the other side.
My muscles failed me, freezing in place. But not as much as my brain had let me down. Why hadn’t I planned something to say? Something to do? I didn’t want to lose Jon, even if I didn’t want to marry him right now.
“Abi,” he said. But that was all. Just my name.
I leaned my forehead against the doorframe, giving him a weary stare. “Yeah?”
He looked tortured, from his crumpled shirt to the circles under his eyes. He had slept in the same clothes he’d worn the night before. “I need you,” he said. “And I think that’s why I have to let you go.”
My heart plummeted, sank, hard as a rock into my stomach, where pure panic took over. “You don’t need to leave me.”
“I do.” He clutched at his own chest. “I can’t take it. You’re the only thing I look forward to every day, Abi. You’re keeping me going.”
“Jon, don’t do this,” I cried, coming to my senses. He was breaking up with me. My mind couldn’t make sense of it—couldn’t comprehend the ripping sensation in my chest.
“You’re all I have left, Abi.” He spread his arms wide. “There’s nothing left of me. My identity
can’t be you.”
“That’s not true,” I argued, even though I knew he’d never see how untrue that statement was while he was in this state.
Jon simply shook his head.
“You just need to see that you’re more than your running.” Desperation filled my voice. “You are.”
His eyes softened. “After everything you’ve been through, Abi, you deserve better than”—his voice cracked, and he swallowed—“better than me.”
“Jon, that’s not true,” I said forcefully. “You’re amazing.”
“If I were, we wouldn’t be standing here, saying this,” he argued. “We’d be calling our families to tell them we’re engaged.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You just...Give me more time, Jon. Maybe I was just scared.”
“I didn’t even have a ring.” He lifted my hand with the promise ring. “This means more than anything I said last night.”
I clenched my jaw. “So what, we’re throwing it all away because you said something stupid the first time you drank?”
“It’s more than that.” He kissed my hand, the ring. “If I have any chance at becoming the kind of man you deserve, I need some time. I need to focus on me, whoever that is.”
My throat tightened, and I tried, failed, to swallow space for me to talk without crying. “But what about what I want?” Tears streamed over my cheeks. “I can’t lose you.”
He wiped at his own tears. “You already have.” He turned to leave, his crutches crackling on the tile.
“Jon!” I called after him, but he didn’t stop. “Jon, please. Come back.”
But he ignored me, and once again, the love of my life was walking away. The truth I didn’t want to admit swelled in my chest and flooded out my eyes: he’d already been gone a while now.
Chapter Forty-Three
I’d gone into survival mode after that, numb to everything, even the icy air that fogged every breath I took.
Now, on my way to my last class of the day, I just wanted it to be over so I could sleep away the pain I knew was waiting for me.
My phone rang, interrupting the music playing through my earbuds. Anika’s name lit up my screen, and I slid it over to answer. We’d missed each other this morning, but she hardly ever called me.
“Hello?” I said, concerned.
“What’s going on with Jon?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” Just hearing his name made my knees weak and shaky. I stepped off the sidewalk to avoid getting ran over by everyone else during the class change.
“Kyle said he’s moving to a new dorm but wouldn’t say why.”
All the breath I had escaped my chest, and I couldn’t get any back in. I clutched a light pole, desperately trying to stay upright. “He’s moving?”
“You didn’t know?” Concern laced her voice. “What’s going on?”
“Jon, he—” I clenched my teeth against the wail trying to escape. “He proposed.”
“He what?!” she cried. “Am I missing something? Are you two moving out?”
The idea of a future where Jon and I could move in together, get our own place, just seemed cruel now. “No, I said no. And he...left me.”
“Abi,” she gasped. “What—you said—where are you? Are you okay?”
“I’m on my way to poli sci.” I swallowed down acid. “And I’m not okay.”
“Skip it,” she said.
“I can’t miss class. I—”
“You’re not going to learn anything anyway,” she insisted. “You’re obviously too ups—"
“I need to go. I can’t think about this.” A tear slipped out my eye and chilled on my cheek. I swiped it away. “I’ll see you tonight?”
“I’ll be here. With ice cream,” she promised.
I hung up and let go of the light pole. The only way to keep from collapsing was to keep moving. Just like Jon was.
Halfway through my class, my phone began chiming quietly in my pocket. Since I’d sat in the back, the prof couldn’t hear it. Still, I switched it to silent mode and watched as the messages came through in an old group text. One without Jon or Michele in it.
Stormy: Facebook says Jon’s single.
Stormy: What happened?
Evan: What???
Skye: Are you okay?
Macy: Does it have to do with his injury?
Skye: We’re here for you, girl, when you’re ready to talk.
Roberto: I’ll kill him for you.
Andrew: I’ve got the shovel.
Andrew: And some time before the wedding.
Evan: I’m in. My trunk’s pretty big.
Roberto: Let’s meet at 0300. I think I can get to some weapons...
Despite myself, I managed a smile. But it didn’t last. Jon was still gone. I was still single. I typed out the truth.
Abi: Jon left me. I’m not ready to talk about it.
No one replied. I could only imagine the texts going through their phones, without me.
The lack of messages didn’t last, though, because Nikki had seen the post too.
Nikki: What happened? Are you okay? Why didn’t you say anything this morning?
I sighed to myself. Anika was right. I wasn’t learning anything today.
I sent a new text to Anika and Nikki.
Abi: Meet me in the dorm.
Abi: And bring the ice cream.
When I made it back to my room, Anika was already there, and Nikki arrived within five minutes carrying three separate pints. Wordlessly, I picked the most chocolatey one there was and peeled back the top.
She handed me a spoon, and I shoveled a bite into my mouth, letting the flavor hit as tears oozed out of me.
How was this me? How was this Jon?
“We were supposed to make it,” I sobbed. “We were supposed to be forever.”
But forever hadn’t lasted nearly as long as I’d thought it would.
Chapter Forty-Four
The next week passed like a kidney stone.
Each day, I hoped it would get better, that my heart would stop feeling like it was being rolled around in shards of glass, but deep down, I knew there wasn’t an easy fix to this.
I’d given myself to Jon in every way a person could, and now, I couldn’t get it back. No matter how much Stormy cursed his very existence or how many inspirational notes Anika left on my desk or how often Nikki told me to pour my pain into track, I couldn’t make it better.
So far, time wasn’t working either. Not seven days. Not fourteen. Not even a month made the constant ache in my chest subside.
Cue my college friends’ hare-brained idea.
Nikki, Mollie, and Jayne barged into our room—with Anika holding the door wide open—and began a makeover, making my transformation complete with makeup, hair, and a ridiculous outfit.
They had me done up and dressed down in less than twenty minutes.
“I’m going to freeze to death,” I argued, looking at the short skirt and midriff sweater in the mirror. At least they’d had the decency to give me some sleeves.
“We’ll be inside all night,” Nikki reminded me. “It’s always hot in the bars.”
Jayne gave me a concerned look, then spoke to Nikki. “Are you sure she’s ready?”
Nikki looked me straight on. “If you don’t want to go, if you think going out will make things worse, just say the word. But don’t stay home, in your dorm, because of Jon. Stay for you.”
I swallowed thickly and looked at the stranger in the mirror. I would do anything to make the pain in her eyes go away.
“Exactly,” Nikki said.
Anika gripped my hand. “Come on. You look amazing.”
“You look comfortable,” I quipped. I wished I could trade my outfit for her jeans and boots.
She shook her head and whispered, “I’m the only one who looks comfortable.”
I managed a smile. That was the truth.
Nikki walked to the door. “I’ll pick you up in front of the building. So you don’t freeze.�
�
I gave her a two-finger salute. One finger with these press-on nails probably would have done the job.
While Jayne and Mollie went with her, Anika and I took our time walking down to the lobby. We didn’t have to worry about running into Jon anymore since he’d move to an entirely different dorm. Apparently, I’d taken custody of this building without even asking for it.
We got into Mollie’s car and squeezed into the backseat. A glittery flask got passed around, and I took a few sips, even though my heart wasn’t in it. Was this what getting over someone looked like? Felt like?
I didn’t have time to think about it, because we reached Freddie Mash and the other girls practically shoved us out the backseat. Anika and I paid our way in while they went to park. There were a lot of people inside, so many we had to squeeze our way around the edges of the dance floor to find an open spot to stand.
I took in all the people dancing, laughing, drinking, and tried to keep my eyes off of all the couples who looked absolutely, painfully, in love. They were everywhere—swaying close on the dance floor, standing against walls with their lips pressed together, ordering drinks at the bar, laughing, talking.
I focused on Anika and yelled over the music, “Is Kyle coming out?”
She shook her head and offered me a smile. “I figured it would be a girls’ night.”
I gripped her hand as a thank you.
“So, what do you want to do?” she asked.
I shrugged. I wasn’t much of a dancer. Plus, I couldn’t drink until the girls brought in their hand sanitizer to scrub off the under-age mark—if I even wanted to.
“Crowd-surfing?” she asked with a wink.
A smile started before the pain hit my chest. I’d done it for Jon, to see him happy. The memory felt like one of the many parts of me that belonged to him now.
“Abi!” Nikki yelled, a tall guy with dark hair and even darker eyes walking behind her. “Have you met my friend Josh?”
I tried to smile at him as I shook my head. He was tall, dark, and handsome in every sense of the words, but it did nothing for me.
He held out his hand, and it enveloped mine, large and warm and rough. He held on a little longer than he needed to as he leaned in and drawled, “Nice to meet you, Abi.”
Abi and the Boy She Loves Page 13