by Frost, Sosie
Honey frowned. “Is he okay?”
I didn’t think Marius would ever be okay, but even he surprised us. “He’s fine. Seems like he’s happy. For once. He loves his girlfriend, and he’s excited about the baby.”
Spencer laughed. “Uncle Marius has a fake leg. And his stump is really gross.”
I scowled. “You wanna say that to Marius’s face, or do you wanna clean tires?”
Spencer deliberated, grumbled, then returned to his work.
“It really is gross,” I told Honey. “But his girlfriend doesn’t seem to mind.”
Honey sighed. “She must really love him. That’s so sweet.”
“I guess.”
“And your other brother is the town’s minister?”
Varius wasn’t exactly fire and brimstone, but he filled the pews. “He left the ministry for a while. Found himself his own personal hell and stayed there for a good year or two. Then he met a sexy stripper, banged her every which way from Sunday, and found his way back to the church. He’s gonna marry her now.”
Honey gasped. “Are you serious?”
Spencer shouted. “Glory’s a stripper?”
Damn it. “No. And that tire better be clean enough to eat off of, or you’re not getting lunch.”
Honey lowered her voice. “Did Varius get in trouble?”
“No. She got him out of trouble,” I said. “V’s back in the church now, praying for my soul every goddamned day.” The thought always amused me. “Here’s the secret though. I never lost my soul. Never needed one.”
Honey furrowed her brow. “Why not?”
“What use is it? I keep my feet firmly grounded in the present. I’ll have all of eternity to ponder life’s little mistakes.”
“And what does the minister think about that?”
What did anybody think about it? They worried. They fretted. They yelled.
But they didn’t understand.
“Varius hopes he can change me. He reformed, so he thinks anyone can. Problem is, you gotta want to change. And I rather like the way I am.”
“Are you sure about that?”
She could be the judge of that.
“I have one other brother,” I said.
Honey hummed. “The youngest? Quint?”
“He’s the baby of the family. Helps me in the garage.” I hesitated. “Well, he did. But a man takes one too many benders, and even his closest brother gets tired of cleaning up after him. Quint’s not around as much anymore. It’s probably for the best.”
“All I’ve heard are the rumors about his anatomy.” Honey giggled.
“You think he’s got me beat?”
She cast a disapproving glance from me to Spencer and lowered her voice. “No one got that specific.”
“I’ll show you mine.”
“I prefer to be surprised.”
“I’m sure you’ve got a good imagination.”
“Absolutely. I’ve got an image of all five Payne brothers in my head. Makes for fun fantasy.”
I growled. “I don’t share well.”
“Then I guess you’ll just have to work a little harder.”
“I don’t believe in hard work either.”
She smirked. “At least I’ll be surprised before I’m disappointed then.”
I’d never disappointed a woman once in my life. Wasn’t planning on starting now. “All this talk, and I’m gonna think you want me to chase you. Believe me, Honey. When the most exciting part of your day is getting humped by a dog like me, you need to get in this truck and drive far, far away from Butterpond.”
Honey crossed her legs, ensuring I had a perfect view of her delicious curves. “I think you need to leave town too.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Honey answered her own question with a knowing smile. “Because of your little sister?”
“Yeah. She’s a good kid.” I raised my voice so Spencer could hear. “And if anyone screws with her or puts more gum in her hair or spiders in her shoes or invisible ink on her goddamned wedding dress, I’m gonna turn him into a muffler for my truck.”
Spencer pouted. “I told you I was sorry. How many times do I gotta say it?”
“Get used to it, Spence…” I sighed. “Men like us spend most of our time apologizing.”
Like now.
I’d made a mistake.
I thought I’d like this game, but Honey enjoyed it far more than I did.
I used to love talking about my family, reveling in everyone’s misfortune. For a while, we had a lot of it. Julian’s back. Varius and his depression. Marius’s injury. Quint’s obvious cry for attention. I loved my brothers, and I had always wanted the best for them. But life was easier when they were in a place as dark as me. When we were all the same. Misery had a way of bringing us together. Didn’t need to talk. Didn’t need to fight. It united us.
For a couple wonderful years, we were all worthless pieces of shit.
But now?
Now, everyone was happy. Living wonderful lives, starting families, falling in love.
Made it real hard to be miserable when my brothers had everything they’d ever dreamed of and more. Maybe it hadn’t worked out the way they thought it would, but life gave them what they’d needed. None of my brothers would trade even a second of their pasts for a different future.
Cassi was the one pillar of our family who didn’t deserve any misery. Hell, she never deserved half the should I put her through. How many times had she pulled my drunken ass off the floor and into a bed? Washed my face, kept watch over me, blown up my phone with worried calls and voicemails, fearing that it would be the last time she saw me alive.
A man was an idiot if he rejected that sort of love.
But he was an even bigger fool if he allowed someone that good to care for him.
And Honey was oblivious to it all.
“Everyone in town said that you and Cassi are close,” she said. “They said the entire family is super protective of her. They’ve already placed bets that she’ll have a hard time walking down the aisle without her brothers dragging her back.”
Even I had sense enough not to ruin Cassi’s wedding. “Cassi’s safe. Not so sure about the groom.”
“Don’t you like him?”
“He’s my best friend.”
Honey finished her beer and cracked open a second. She offered me the bottle.
My mouth dried. For a split-second, I was tempted. More than tempted.
Tortured.
But I shook my head and chugged my mineral water instead. The liquid was bitter, but I drank it as a punishment. At least this sort of self-destruction wouldn’t take my liver with it.
“He’s not good enough for her,” I said. It wasn’t a revelation. I’d said it many times to Rem’s face.
“Is anyone good enough for your little sister?”
I ducked under the truck before she insisted on me taking a drink. “Probably not. But Rem is exactly like me. Or he was even if he seems to think that he’s changed. But no one changes from the type of men we were. The drugs we did. The trouble he got into.”
“I haven’t heard anything bad about him.”
“You weren’t here five years ago.”
“Five years is a long time.”
Five years, five months, five weeks, five days, five hours. The woman didn’t understand the meaning of time. Not when every heartbeat roared in my ears with an absolute, consuming need for everything sinful, ruinous, and addicting.
An eternity was a dry mouth, a tremble in the hand, and a crushing headache that would fracture a skull. Five years was nothing and everything. I couldn’t imagine myself in five years. Was supposed to take everything day by day now anyway.
What a crock of shit.
“He says he’s been sober for a while,” I said. “We’ll see how it goes.”
Her voice softened. “Don’t you believe he can stay sober?”
“No one is strong enough to go sober once that addiction has g
ot a hold of you.”
“That’s not very optimistic.”
Optimism and pessimism were the same thing—a waste of time. They were nothing but thinly veiled attempts to explain away every pain, sorrow, and miserable moment of life.
A man had two options. Live or die. Rem chose to live. I was trying to do the same.
“Look, I know exactly what he went through,” I said. “And it doesn’t go away. He’s gonna be fighting that addiction every day of his life. And I honestly don’t know how a man can do it. At least he has Cassi to help him.”
Honey quieted. “And who is helping you?”
“I got myself.”
“Has anyone ever offered to help?”
She really was a sweet girl. Naïve, but sweet. “I don’t think anyone wants to stoop that low.”
Her head peeked over the engine, peering at me between wires, rust, and greasy machinery. Her eyes were bright. A charming, warm amber. Must’ve been the reason her parents named her Honey.
“That’s so sad,” she said.
Now I was trapped. I focused on the engine, not the beautiful woman peeking down at me. “The truth usually makes people sad. At least if you can recognize it, you can face the world head on.”
“But what if you’re wrong?” Her fingernails rapped against the metal frame. “You have such a big family. Why don’t you ask them for help?”
“Because…I’m not like them.”
“Why not?”
“For one very good reason that doesn’t fucking matter to anyone but me.”
Honey tilted her head. “Keeping secrets again?”
“Only one.”
“Must be an important secret.”
Just to me. “Just answers a lot of questions.”
“Which ones?”
Who I was.
Why I’d become a piece of shit.
Why no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t escape what was in my blood.
And why it wasn’t in theirs.
I clenched my jaw. “These are questions only I want answered. And just like the rest of my problems, it’s not worth burdening my family with that bullshit.”
Honey didn’t know when to quit. “Why not?”
Because, for the first time in any of our lives, my family was happy, and I was not.
But I was the only one who could change that. Me. Myself. Not the drugs. Not the alcohol.
If I wanted it, I had to find it. I had to admit it. And that was harder than anybody realized.
“They’ve got their own lives,” I said.
Honey didn’t understand, but I didn’t expect her to relate to me. Christ, I hoped no one could relate to me.
With a soft sigh, she flipped around, leaning against the back of the truck. “It must be great to have such a big family though. It’s only ever been me and my parents.”
“You’re lucky.”
She scoffed. “I would’ve loved to have a brother or sister. Plus, it would’ve helped us so much in the restaurant. I spent my entire life in the kitchens with Daddy. As soon as school let out, prep work began. Then the cooking. Smoking. Cleaning the restaurant. Closing the restaurant. Daddy needed so much help I didn’t even go to college.” She hesitated. “Don’t get me wrong. I love the restaurant. I want nothing more than to be a chef. But restaurant margins are thin, and the rent was high. It was just too much for Daddy once his back got weak.”
She spoke about her father with such reverence. Didn’t make sense to me, but he must’ve been a great man to earn her admiration.
I said nothing, but she didn’t mind. She seemed to like me because I was a man of few words and she was a girl with too goddamned many to share.
“He really needed to hire another manager,” she said. “And another chef, but we didn’t have the money. And once Daddy’s back gave out, he couldn’t stay in the kitchen as long. So, he sold the restaurant and all the equipment. He doesn’t have much, but it should be enough to keep him and Momma comfortable.”
And they all lived happily ever after.
What bullshit.
Never understood how people could delude themselves into believing disaster was fortuitous. I’d learned long ago to keep my mouth shut. People didn’t like to be reminded of their failings, but failure was all we had in common.
“But Daddy doesn’t have that big barbecue competition blue-ribbon,” I said.
Honey didn’t recognize it as an insult. Or maybe she did, but she was too good to acknowledge it.
“It’s really a shame,” she said. “All he needed was one good brisket. But I’m gonna do everything I can to keep his legacy alive.”
“Which is?”
“Making the best barbecue you’ve ever eaten.”
She hesitated. Just slightly. Only enough that a man had to listen hard to hear it.
Music to my ears.
A year ago, I would’ve pounced on such a vulnerability. Exploited it. Tore open her soul just to make her as miserable as me.
But, nowadays, I didn’t have the vengeful streak—just an unhealthy curiosity.
“Is it the best?” I asked. “Or do you think his barbecue could be improved?”
Honey pushed away from the truck. She hesitated, squirmed, and started and stopped her explanation three times before answering with a plastic smile.
“Daddy’s barbecue is good. It’s great. It really is.”
“But think of how badly you’d hurt him if you told him it could be improved,” I said.
Honey knew better than to lie to the man fixing her truck without payment. And I knew better than to torment a girl so good, so pure, so unbelievably wholesome she couldn’t speak a negative word about anyone. But I’d already refused the beer. I needed to have some fun today.
“It’s just…” Honey sighed. “It would break his heart. He knows his barbecue, but he doesn’t know what judges like anymore. Times are changing. They’re looking for nonconventional things. Mangoes. Pineapple salsas. Molecular gastronomy.” The thought irritated her, and an edge finally shadowed her voice. “Why anybody wants a foam on their barbecue was beyond me. And last year? A vegan recipe one. Vegan. I have no enemies in this world, but if I had to wage a war, tofu would be the first casualty.”
“I’d be right behind you.”
“Daddy’s recipe is fantastic. So, I’ll take it to the competitions, and God willing, I’ll bring home the blue-ribbon.”
“Aren’t you sweet.”
Sweet and dead serious. Her smile faded. “I would do anything for my father.”
And I would’ve done anything to get away from mine.
I worked under her truck to end the conversation. She must’ve known it. Honey plunked down next to me, drumming her hands against her crossed legs and watched me work. I wish she hadn’t. Her beautiful, frustratingly kind eyes would’ve wrenched anything out of me.
“What happened with your father?” she asked.
Nothing I wanted to think about and yet the only thing I obsessed about more than this woman’s perfect legs. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Is the truck finished?”
Christ. I hadn’t even begun ripping apart her deathtrap. “Not even close.”
“Then we have time. What tore you and your father apart?”
A lot of things had happened. It was nothing I wished to relive.
“It’s worse than what you heard,” I said. “Leave it at that.”
The woman didn’t know when to quit. “I’ve heard a lot. I heard that you are the black sheep of the family. That you’re nothing like your brothers. That you’ve been in trouble with the law.” She rested her chin in her hand and nibbled on her pinky finger. “But I want to know more about you.”
“Sleep with me. No better way to learn.”
“Not until I get some answers, bad boy.”
This woman gave me a headache. I knew how to irritate people, but this woman took it to another level. She didn’t even try to hurt me. She just wanted to know who I was.
How I became the bastard of the Payne family.
And it pissed me off.
I rolled from under the truck with a grunt. Dirt, grime, and engine grease stained my hands. I wiped them on a rag, but my fingernails stayed dirty. Never used to bother me, but, around Honey?
That ring of grease made me more self-conscious than I’d ever been in my life.
I clenched my hands into fists. That only highlighted the scars on my knuckles.
She wanted to know who I was?
Fine.
Only one way to make her run. Only one way to get her the hell out of my garage and life before I made a mistake both of us regretted.
“Six years ago, I set fire to my family’s barn.” Said it too loudly, too proud. But a man was guaranteed to own nothing but his mistakes. “I destroyed the business, bankrupted the farm, ripped my family apart, and then I let my best friend take the rap.”
It sounded worse spoken and not grumbled in my head. It was why I didn’t talk about it very often.
Normally, I liked revealing everything about me that made a normal person cringe. But this time, I hated every word that escaped my lips. It revealed just the sort of asshole I was to a woman who’d wasted her kindness on me.
“I’m the reason why my family fought,” I said. “I’m the reason my mother’s cancer put her in an early grave. I’m the reason why my father followed her. I’m why nobody gets along. Why everyone wanted to get the hell away from Butterpond. Julian wanted to play professional ball so he could earn money for the farm without being here. Marius joined the Navy SEALs because a desert half a world away was still too close. Varius didn’t leave, but he spent most of his time pining for Heaven instead of living on earth.” My voice roughened. “Quint and Cassi were just kids though. Cassi shouldn’t have put up with the bullshit she did, but someone had to keep the family together. She’s the one who took care of Dad while his heart was failing, and without her, we would’ve lost everything. But Quint?”
I didn’t want to say it. Didn’t want to believe it.
My baby brother had a special soul. He was fun. Happy. Genuinely compassionate. But he needed more help than anyone in the family realized. Hell, more than he realized. He had a good reason for sleeping around, running from girl to girl, refusing to sit in silence for more than five goddamned minutes.