by Frost, Sosie
I covered my eyes before she seared my retinas. “That’s a good idea, Momma. But why don’t you go blind the other competitors? I’m gonna need all the help I can get.”
“Oh, you don’t need any help.” Momma shushed me and retrieved her bag. “We know you’re gonna do great today, Honeybee.”
She dropped a thickly bound book into my arms. I grunted, nearly dropping the tome with its hundred laminated pages on my toes.
“This is for you.” Momma always was a crier. She dabbed her eyes with a Kleenex and flipped open the book. My naked baby tushy was positioned dead center on the first page. “Pictures from the day you were born until the day you left home. I wanted you to have it, Honey. Just so you can look through it and realize what we saw every day—our beautiful baby girl blossoming into a wonderful young woman—full of potential, ready to seize the world.”
The tears burned my eyes. I blinked them away, clutching the book to my chest.
“Oh, Momma…you have no idea how much this means to me.”
A voice hollered from behind me, his excitement carrying over the clanging, banging, and general construction of the festival.
“There’s my little girl!”
Daddy held his arms out wide, one hand brimming with competition rules and pamphlets, the other wielding his trusty spatula. He’d grayed even more since I saw him last—probably bleached from Momma’s incessant photo-taking. But he stood straighter now, his back not impossibly crooked from constantly leaning over the stove and smokers. He looked good. Healthy. Happy.
He looked like any proud father who had a photo of his daughter made into an embarrassing t-shirt. Even printed the words Honey’s Daddy on the front.
I didn’t care. I rushed into his arms, careful not to squeeze his back too tight.
Didn’t matter. Daddy lifted me off the ground anyway.
“Surprise!” He kissed my forehead. “You didn’t think we’d miss your first Brawl-B-Que, did you?”
My broken heart ached in my chest, but Daddy’s hug helped to mend it just enough to make me smile.
“I can’t believe you guys are here,” I said. “You didn’t tell me you were coming!”
“We wanted to surprise you.” Momma snapped another picture. “Got you good.”
“Stop it, Tia, for cryin’ out loud, she’s gotta see to be able to cook!” Daddy hollered as Momma took her vengeance and snapped a picture of him. “Don’t let her fool you, Honey. I spent more on film than I have on that darn camera—she keeps taking pictures of her thumbs!”
Momma hooted. “That and other things—Honey bee, that reminds me. We’re not welcomed in the pharmacy on 12th Street anymore…they weren’t too happy about developing some of our pictures.”
I covered my ears. “Don’t need to hear it. And, please don’t make me it see it.”
Daddy admired my truck. “Well, now. Look at those new wheels! And the frame doesn’t have nearly as many dents as before...”
Momma agreed. “We didn’t even know you pulled in, your engine is purring like a kitten.”
My throat closed. “Yeah…I had a little work done.”
“That’s my girl,” Daddy said. “Being proactive. That’s the mark of a responsible business owner. Too many people never think about basic maintenance! You must’ve found a really great mechanic.”
“Yeah…” I kicked a clump of grass away from my trailer’s wheels. “It all worked out.”
Daddy gestured over the truck. “Are you all alone? Thought you said you might be bringing help?”
I doubted my words sounded very convincing. “Nope. All on my lonesome now.”
That was all the encouragement Daddy needed. He rolled up his sleeves. “Well, don’t you fret. I’m here now. Between the two of us, we’ll be fine.”
Daddy limped towards the truck, one hand already rubbing his lower back. I shook my head.
“No way. You can’t stay on your feet that long.” I guided him towards the lawn chairs Momma had meticulously arranged. “Don’t worry about me, Daddy. I can handle this all by myself. I don’t need any help.”
He gave me an apologetic shrug. “You can’t blame an old man for trying. I’m your Daddy, Honey. No matter what you say, what you do, or how much you fight me…” He winked. “I’m always gonna be there to help.”
The switch flipped in my head.
The pain and confusion and utter emotional chaos that was the past two days shredded the last thread of my willpower. The bills and repairs, lies and fibs, hidden stress and absolute sorrow bubbled to the surface.
The tears prickled my eyes before I could brush them away.
I rushed into Daddy’s arms, captured him in a tight hug, and hid my face from the rest of the competition in his strong shoulders.
“Oh, Daddy…” My words hiccupped from my raw throat. “I’m so sorry!”
Momma leapt to her feet. “Lord have mercy…Honeybee, what’s wrong?”
“I lied to you both…” I shook my head. “I’ve been lying to you.”
“What’s all this?” Daddy pulled away, taking my face in his hands. “Hush now. Take a breath.”
I couldn’t. The air trapped somewhere in my chest, suffocated under the lies, pain, and secrets.
“I wrecked the truck two months ago…” I squeezed my eyes shut. “Wrecked it bad. That’s why I’ve been staying in Butterpond. I couldn’t pay for the repairs, so I was trying to do little gigs in town to earn some money, but everything kept going all wrong. The truck should’ve been totaled, but I was too ashamed to call you guys and tell you the truth. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. So, I kept it a secret, and I tried so hard to get the money, and…I just made a mess of everything.”
Momma only got mad at me when I said something foolish. That sassy finger wagged before her, now blinged out with fancy polish and a little rhinestone on the tip.
“You know better than that, Honey,” she said. “We could never be disappointed in you. You should have come to us. Everyone makes mistakes, even our perfect girl.”
I shook my head. “You would have wanted to pay for the repairs.”
Daddy nodded. “Of course, we would have paid for it!”
“And that’s why I didn’t tell you,” I said. “You deserve your retirement, Daddy. You shouldn’t have to take care of me anymore.”
Daddy puffed his chest out, his smile fading. “Now, you listen to me, young lady. As long as I’m still hobbling over this Earth, you are my daughter, and I’m always gonna take care of you. No ifs, ands, or butts. It’s my job to worry about you, not yours to worry about your old man. You hear me?”
I wiped my cheek with the heel of my hand. “I hear you.”
Momma wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Good. Now you can tell us the real reason you stayed in Butterpond.”
My stomach raced my heart to my feet. “What do you mean?”
“I wanna know the truth, Honey Hudson. It wasn’t some truck repair that kept you in that little town. Ain’t nothing there but one streetlight and a bunch of farms. So, who was he?”
“Who was who?”
Daddy saw through me. “The boy, Honey. What’s his name?”
The tears threatened to spill once more, but I refused to cry over Tidus. He’d made his decision, and I’d promised to honor it.
Even if it was the wrong one.
“It’s…complicated,” I said.
Momma wouldn’t hear it. “Shouldn’t be.”
“You didn’t know him.”
“Well, if you fell for him, how complicated could one man be?”
I sighed, plunking onto one of Momma’s lawn chairs and covering my face. “You don’t understand. He wasn’t a good—I mean, he hadn’t been a good guy…but that all changed. He had a troubled past, but he didn’t see all the progress he’d made, how much he’d changed.” Babbling didn’t help matters. Nothing eased this pain. “He didn’t think that he deserved to be loved. And, no matter what I said, he just…didn’
t believe me. He’s hurting, but he won’t let me help.”
Momma settled next to me and took my hand. “My poor baby. It’s always gonna hurt, losing someone you love.”
“He didn’t lose me though. He lost himself. And he’s too afraid to look for the truth.” I waved her hand away. “It’s fine. You didn’t come all this way to hear me whine. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what really happened. I wanted to handle it all myself.”
Daddy was never good with the topic of boys or breakups…or anything that wasn’t barbeque. He helped me to my feet and rubbed my shoulder.
“As long as you realize you’re not alone,” he said. “We’ll always be there.”
“Thank you, Daddy.”
He helped himself into the truck and grabbed a box of ingredients from the shelves. His face twisted as he slowly set it on the ground near the folding table I used as a prep station.
“Must be the wrong box…” He laughed, examining the espresso beans and the bag of cocoa powder. “Don’t even wanna know what you’re making with these!”
And now, a third wave of guilt beat me across the head.
This one nearly crippled me.
I took the box from him, sighed, then blabbered the words before anything worse poured out of my mouth.
I was already hurting enough.
Last thing I wanted to do was upset Daddy.
“I…” I stared across the festival grounds, studying the award-winning trucks, businesses, and pit masters busting their butts for the Brawl-B-Que. “Daddy…I changed the recipe.”
Daddy frowned. “You changed it?”
Nothing left to do but emotionally destroy my father. I only hoped I could do it gently.
“I know you’re proud of your sauce—and I am too. I love it, Daddy. But this is a different competition now. People expect something new. If I wanted to win…I had to make an entirely new recipe.”
Daddy quieted. “You made your own recipe?”
“It’s really good…” I retrieved the jar from the truck and offered it to Momma first. “It’s a chocolate and espresso sauce. Nothing too sweet, just full of a really deep flavor.”
Momma dipped her finger in the jar and nodded. “Marty, I think you should try this.”
Daddy took the jar from my hands and sniffed. “When did you make this recipe?”
“I’ve been working on it for the past few weeks.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
My heart surged into my throat. “How could I, Daddy? You’re so proud of your sauce. I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful. But I just…”
He tasted a tiny bit and screwed the lid back on.
“You wanted to make your own way in the world,” he said.
“I know you wanted me to compete with your sauce—”
Daddy shushed me. “Honeybee, the whole point of you taking this truck and heading out to cook was so you could show the world your talent, not mine.” He tapped the jar. “And this…this is a good sauce.”
I swallowed, hard. “You really think so?”
“You are an excellent chef, Honey. It was time you got out from under the shadow of my restaurant and took your own path. Made your own foods. Started your own life.”
“You’re not…upset?”
Daddy tossed the jar to Momma and hauled me in close. “God, no. All I’ve ever wanted for you was a good life. I had you working in the restaurant from the time you could wipe tables down. You worked your whole childhood with me, wasted your teenage years cooking in the kitchens, and all the time you should have spent in college you were managing the restaurant when my back gave out. It’s time you had a chance to do what you want, Honeybee.”
“I want to make barbeque,” I said.
“Well, you’re a Hudson. You’re always gonna barbeque.” He laughed. “I mean more than food though. I was so excited when you got that truck. You have every opportunity in front of you now. You can try your new recipes, get into car trouble, have your heartbroken.”
I frowned. “You…wanted me to get heartbroken?”
“I wanted you to live, Honey. To have what I had when I was your age. To fall in love and travel. To make mistakes and realize there’s a big world out there waiting for you.”
I couldn’t hide the tears. “Then why does that world seem so much smaller without him?”
Momma took my hand. “Because you’re in love. Nothing’s ever gonna be bigger than that, baby.”
I shrugged. “Falling for him was a mistake.”
Daddy hummed. “Everyone makes mistakes, Honey. The real test of a person is how you recover from them. What you can learn from them.” He brushed my cheek. “Remember…there’s much more to this world than just barbeque.”
“That’s blasphemy coming from you.”
“Well, retirement gives a man perspective.” He winked. “You’ve always tried to do the right thing, Honey. But don’t do the right thing for the wrong reasons. You’ve gotta get out of the kitchen and find what’s gonna make you happy.”
I bit my lip. “Winning this competition would make me happy.”
“And what else?”
I shrugged. “I…I don’t know.”
Momma did though. “Finding that boy again would make you happy. Knocking some sense into him couldn’t hurt either.”
“I don’t know if that’s enough to get him back,” I said. “He’s just…complicated.”
“Nothing complicated about loving a wonderful girl like you,” Daddy said. “Believe me, Honey. He’s gonna realize what he’s missing without you. And he’s gonna come running to find you. I guarantee it.”
“How can you know that?”
He kissed my forehead. “Because I came to find you, didn’t I?”
I gave up hiding the tears. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.
“Yeah, you’re here, Daddy.” I squeezed him tight. “And I can’t thank you enough.”
19
Tidus
Wasn’t often a man got the chance to fuck both his past and his future with the same idiot plan.
I wasn’t like other men. I had already destroyed my past. And because of those decisions, I’d denied myself a future.
Wasn’t sure how long I sat in the truck. Five hours? Six? I’d left Butterpond when it was dark and got to Ironfield before it’d turned light. Wasn’t sure what I expected to see when the sun rose. The rowhouse never looked any better in the sunlight than it did at night. Same dingy exterior. Same busted miniblinds in the window. Same goddamned oak door, perpetually closed.
Why the hell did I torture myself?
I only had to knock, and I would get my answers. One conversation would reveal everything. Who I was. What I’d become. Why life had gone to shit, and if I could ever expect to escape that fucking cycle of misery and depression.
But I didn’t move.
Couldn’t move.
Until five months ago, I never feared a goddamned thing. Probably why I turned out so pathetic, but some men didn’t learn lessons until life battered them across the head, left them for dead, and stole every ounce of their pride.
Now I had no pride, but plenty to fear.
I couldn’t count the times I had traveled to Ironfield for this reason. To meet my real father, look him in the eye, and hope to Christ it was a better mirror than the cracked reflection that greeted me every morning in the bathroom.
But this was the first time I dreaded the truth.
I feared that, for all the good I’d done for myself and all the progress I’d made, it wouldn’t mean a fucking thing if the man on the other side of the door was a sign of what I’d become.
It terrified me.
And I hated it.
For too many years, I’d forced myself to believe my future had been lost before I was even born.
No more. I was somebody son, but the similarities ended there.
I knew who I was now.
Tidus Payne.
A man with a family
who cared about him. A town that sheltered him. And a woman who loved him.
Sobriety was as much of a curse as the addictions, but at least the family I had now and the woman I’d left behind had promised to stand by me through the worst of that darkness and the best of life.
I stared at the rowhouse. Studied the movement inside. Imagined the feel of the door against my hand.
And then flipped him off.
Fuck him.
What good would come of this idiocy?
Why the hell was I letting a stranger decide my life?
I turned the key and peeled my truck out of the space, leaving the neighborhood behind.
I’d changed my life once before. Puked my guts out, suffered headaches that boiled my brains, and slept in cold shivers, teeth rattling and body failing me. Addiction had kicked me in the balls, but getting sober had nearly ripped them off. I’d begged. Pleaded. Nearly killed myself to escape the pain.
But I’d survived.
Crawled out the other side tougher.
Not smarter, but stronger.
And I’d made it halfway to recovery. Faced the physical demons and got the shit beat out of me as I detoxed, alone and silent, hidden from family and friends.
Maybe I’d kicked the addiction, but I hadn’t gotten better. Never fixed the one aspect of my life that hadn’t abandoned me even when I did everything in my power to drive them away.
I needed my family. No more fearing the past or dreading the future.
If I wanted to be healthy, to enjoy the sobriety that had nearly killed me, I needed them by my side.
And I needed Honey.
I drove back to the farm—a place I’d never felt welcome but where I’d desperately wished to belong. Didn’t bother knocking. I pummeled my way through the front door, strode into the living room, and broke up a game of Duck Duck Goose between my sister and Rem’s nieces.
I pointed to the boy sitting miserable on the couch.
“Spence, you’re coming with me,” I said.
Cassi gaped at me. “Tidus? I thought…I thought you left?”
Spencer leapt to his feet and crashed into my side for a hug. “I knew Uncle Tidus wouldn’t go! I knew it!”
Wasn’t sure what to tell my little sister.