by Fantasia
On one audition, we were partnered with another contestant and we were told we had to learn a Supreme song. My partner and I picked the classic “Where Did Our Love Go” I remembered every word from growing up in our music-filled household. It was an easy choice for me. I made it through to the next round, but my partner didn’t. Even though singers were partnered up, they were still looking at us as individuals. They just wanted to see how our voices blended with other voices and if you could harmonize. The last song I sang before the cut was made to thirty-two contestants was “Something to Talk About.” With this song, I went in a totally different direction from everyone else. Most people were choosing contemporary songs from urban or pop radio. My song was not on any urban or pop radio station I had ever heard, and it was really different, because it was Bonnie Raitt. The song was sassy and unique, especially for me, and it used my voice in a special way. I remember Simon Cowell struggling with his critique, but finally saying, “You’re different, Fantasia.I like that. ”
That is what God has been trying to tell me.
The first week in Hollywood, 117 contestants turned into 32.
For the next four weeks, the group of 32 is broken into four groups of 8. Each group of 8 will return to Hollywood for a separate week to do another mini boot camp. My group was Diana DeGarmo, Jennifer Hudson, Marque Lynche, Matthew Metzger, Ashley Thomas, Erskine Walcott, and Katie Webber and me. This was Group One, so I stayed on for another week.
For this week, each of us had our own room. Finally, I had plenty of quiet time to pray and really understand what was happening to me and around me.
I felt myself getting stressed during this week when I should have been happy that I had made it that far. The auditions were not what was stressin’ me. The real hurdle during this part of the auditions was that things started being said about me on the Internet. TheAmerican Idol Web site is one of the most visited sites on the Web, and the viewer chat rooms are a favorite feature. The entertainment press follows theAmerican Idol process as closely as possible. Once I had made it into the Top 32, stories about my child and the fact that I didn’t finish high school started breaking. That made me mad. I couldn’t be the only person out there who didn’t finish high school. What was the big deal? It was my business, not theirs. They were saying that I was “ghetto” and a “ho” on the chat lines. It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t heard before, but the weird thing about the Internet is that it can’t be stopped. Once someone says something about you, it’s in the world’s hands. I was feeling helpless and scared.
This is how it works with the thirty-two contestants. There are four groups of eight, and each group is given one week to prepare, and your audition is taped for the actual television show. One night we performed our songs, and on the next night the result show would tell who was being voted off the show. Diana DeGarmo and I were the only two who were voted on to the next round that would have twelve people competing in the weekly TV show. The other six in our group went home. Diana and I went home too, but we knew we were coming back. Each of us went home with our own production assistant who spent the next week interviewing family and friends back home and doing sort of life stories on us.
The production assistant who was assigned to me filmed me most of the hours of the days that he was there. He filmed me at home with my friends, family, and daughter. He filmed me eating and brushing my teeth. He talked to my grandmother and wanted to see old photo albums. He asked my friends from the neighborhood about me. At the time, it was a little too much. I couldn’t understand why they needed this stuff for a singin’ show.
My producer was a white guy who didn’t know nothin’ about church. He was a little nervous when I told him that we were going to spend a whole day at church. I’m sure that he thought that it would be boring and not something that he would know anything about, but he was surprised. He said after the three-hour service, “I couldn’t get enough.” God touches everyone, doesn’t He?
Before the films of my “life story” had even been processed, it seemed there were articles about me and footage of everything, showing me at church, me with my grandmother, and, most of all, me with Zion. It seemed like out of all the things that were happening with the competition and all the others in the Top 12 who were going home to be filmed, me and my baby were the talk of the Internet. Suddenly, everyone got bold with their thoughts about me havin’ a baby and it was all over the chat rooms. People were writing in and complaining that I should not be an icon for American children, because I had sex before I was married and I had a child. They said that my havin’ a baby made me a poor example of a young American. I remember someone saying to me, “You should hide your baby. If anyone asks you about it, just say that you don’t know what they’re talking about.” I said, “I can’t do that and I won’t do that.” People on the Internet were writing, “Fantasia is not an American Idol. She is a single mother—that is not a good example for our kids.” The producers said, “The choice is up to you.”
I put it in God’s hands.
Every type of entertainment media was debating my worthiness to be the American Idol. I couldn’t believe that so many people were so upset about my baby. It seemed a little hypocritical. I thought thatAmerican Idol was supposed to represent America, and I knew that there were plenty of baby mamas in America! It hurt me deeply that so many people thought that I was unworthy. They didn’t even care about how I sang.
I was overwhelmed and feeling like I had no more words to excuse myself or defend myself. I was keeping the faith but knew that at any time I could be voted off the show.
When the press got close enough to ask me about it, I was constantly open and honest with my responses. I told them being a young mother is not a new thing. I also said to the ones who were sayin’ negative things about me that they should have been looking at what I was trying to donow instead of focusing on my past.
I was not sure that those answers wouldn’t hurt my chances in the competition, but I knew that they were true and that truth was all I had to work with. I had to think about all the things my grandmother had said about truth and honesty. I knew I couldn’t lie about Zion and I couldn’t pretend that my past hadn’t happened. I blamed myself for putting myself into this situation. I was just humbled and scared. I was just waiting for the day for it all to be over.
Behind the scenes, I prayed every day that I could win. I knew that my experience and my love for music had to be more than all those other people. I had been singing since I was five. I had been singin’ when everybody else was still playing with blocks. I thought that my situation might keep me from winning, but the Lord knew that I wanted to win. I had asked Him for this opportunity and told Him if I got it, I would change my life. I knew that God wanted me to change my life, so I kept praying that he would possibly open the door one more step for me to win. Sometimes it felt like everyone was against me. Although I still knew in the back of my mind that the media and the industry were already trying to take me out of the race, I wouldn’t let ’em take me out that easily. I called and prayed with my mother and grandmother every day. My grandmother was a “prayer warrior,” and she had created a “prayer band” at the church. People from everywhere were prayin’ for me to win this thing. During the taping days, celebrities would come and meet us. Denzel Washington’s wife, Pauletta, who is Christian, came backstage one day and laid hands on me. She said to me, “I love you. I’m praying for you.” People everywhere were saying that they were praying for me.
Slowly the bad press started turning into good press and people began to admire me for standing up for myself and my baby and for wanting to create a better life for us. Some people even became supportive and began to write things like “You can’t deny her gift.” Or “That girl is from the church, so you know she can’t be all bad!” Some people started saying that they had a similar experience: “I too had a baby when I was young. Fantasia is doin’ her thang and I think it is great!” Some people even wrote things like “I’
m a baby mama and Fantasia is my hero!”
God can do so many things you never knew He could do. God and the prayers from all around the world took the pressure off the situation. I felt at peace, no matter what was going to happen.
I dedicated one of my last songs to Zion. It was Barbra Streisand’s “What Are You Doing The Rest of Your Life?” It went over as well as “Summertime” had the previous week. People were crying. That song did it for the people. I went out on stage with no shoes on. I wanted to go out and sing that song like it had never been sung before. Ryan Seacrest, the show’s host, asked me after the song, “Why are you crying?” I said, with tears in my eyes, “I felt my song.” The people were amazed at how raw my emotions were, and how real.
By standing on that stage, I was representing all those women who were single mothers and awesome women. The tide had turned. People were lovin’ ’Tasia again.
Even famous people had been givin’ me love. It just couldn’t get any better than R&B diva Toni Braxton, who actually sent me a Tiffany candle; Denzel and Pauletta Washington, who sent a basket full of body products to me and a gift for Zion; and Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child who called backstage to speak to me and wish me luck. Like I said, all I ever wanted from this competition was for one person to hear me sing. My prayers had been answered.
In the final group of twelve, we were all going through our own personal transformations from being regular people to having people recognize us everywhere we went and wanting our autographs. Suddenly my days looked different. We were in Hollywood constantly until the end of the show. The days were grueling at that point. There were fewer people, but the heat was on and the spirit of competition was in the air. We felt the pressure. I had to be somewhere every minute and everyone knew who I was. I was worried about my appearance all the time. I wasn’t used to havin’ to look cute all the time. I was getting tired and anxious for it to be over. I didn’t have any idea that it was just beginning. My producer was always yellin’, “Keep it movin’, we have places to be!” Every day I would look at myself in the mirror and pinch myself, not believing that I had made it this far and realizing that whatever happened I would never be the same again. I had learned so much and really felt that I had a chance at life. I made it to all of my rehearsals and I was proud of myself for that. I had stood out and made it to the real part of the competition, the part where all of America would be tuning in every week to cheer us on and talk about how we sang. I had made an impression on famous people. It couldn’t get any better than this. My life had reached a turning point. I had a real chance to make something of my life. Already my head was spinning about how I would be able to use this experience to finish my GED and how I could sing and make more at the churches and all the different directions that I could actually take just because I had been a part ofAmerican Idol. And I realized that I could make a good livin’ doing what I loved to do best—sing!
The last night of the season, it was down to Diana DeGarmo and me. It had been a fantastic season; some say the bestAmerican Idol to date. There were so many good singers. So many of them were really talented. I told myself once again that the fact that I had made it this far was a miracle. I reminded myself that I couldn’t possibly win, because of who I was—a single mother and high-school dropout. I didn’t want to be disappointed, so I focused on how far I had come instead of what would happen if I won. I thought that America had been generous enough to vote me this far. I thanked God in advance for letting me have this opportunity. I regretted that it might be impossible for me to win, but I had made peace with what the decision was going to be.
Ryan Seacrest came to the stage to announce the winner. He said a few words about the season, and his lips were moving but I couldn’t understand a word he was sayin’. I opened my eyes a little bit at a time, thinking that Diana DeGarmo would be on the screen. Instead I looked up to see ’Tasia. Ryan Seacrest was sayingmy name: “The American Idol for 2004 is Fantasia Barrino!” I couldn’t believe it. All I had wanted was for one person to hear me sing, and 65 million people heard me and voted for me to be the 2004 American Idol. That was more votes than George W. Bush got. God was standing on that stage. He had been for months. He had been in Georgia with me for both of those auditions. He had brought me to Hollywood and got me through that grueling time, He had got me to the Top 12 and to the Top 2. Being the winner was nothing that I expected. I didn’t know how to feel about it but to cry and praise God. He had answered the prayers. My tears poured from my eyes. God’s hand was upon me. Emotions were flooding within me. I felt shaky and buckled under my knees. The heel of my new shoe broke, but I didn’t even realize it at first. When Ryan Seacrest broke through my dazed wall of emotions and tears, he said, “Why are you crying?” and all I could say was, “I done broke my heel!” Everyone laughed. The 2004 American Idol was still just like y’all.
As the winner of theAmerican Idol competition, I was awarded a Ford Focus and a record deal thatcould be worth a million dollars. The record deal was with 19 Recordings and Clive Davis on his new label, J Records. It was overwhelming, considering where I came from. I still didn’t know how to react or how to act. I still didn’t believe it.
The record deal at J Records seemed like some kind of dream that I would be livin’ in. Clive Davis is the man who discovered some of the most unique and unforgettable voices in music: Whitney Houston, Toni Braxton, Alicia Keys, Carlos Santana, and Bruce Springsteen. Was he the one person that God wanted to hear me?
The fact that Clive Davis heard me, met me, and wanted to work with me was beyond belief. I had met Mr. Davis once before in the Top 3 competition. He had been one of the guest judges for this round. He came backstage before the performance and met the three final contestants. He shook hands with Diana DeGarmo and Jasmine Trias and then he came over to me. I expected him to shake my hand as he did the others. Instead, he looked at me and said, “I want you to go out there and sing like you ain’t never sang before.” I said, startled, “Yes, sir.” He left me in shock. I went out and did what he asked me to do, and he had the biggest smile on his face the whole time I was singing. I felt so comfortable and confident that I went right to where the judges were sitting and started singing to him. Clive Davis was singin’ with me and dancin’. He was feelin’ it.
After I won the following week, I was called to a meeting with Mr. Davis in his J Records office in New York. Mr. Davis’s assistant had called and said that he wanted me to come in. I was very nervous. What do you say to an awesome music man? What was I gonna say to someone who is so powerful, mysterious, and invincible? I worried. I decided to just be cool and beme. I wouldn’t even have known how to pretend to be a different way.
Clive Davis was sitting in a huge brown leather chair. He seemed slumped down, because the chair was so tall. Mr. Davis was twiddling his fingers. When I walked into his beautiful office, he stood up, walked away from the chair, and gave me a kiss. I could smell his cologne and that reminded me of my daddy. Mr. Davis was a groomed man. He walked me around his office, pointing to all the photographs of people he had worked with: Aretha, Whitney, Alicia. I had a smile on my face. He motioned for me to sit down across from him. He had returned to the too-big-for-him chair. He started the conversation by saying, “I want you to tell me, what kind of music do you want to do?” I said, “I am down for doin’ anything, but I just want it to be real. I want to make ugly faces when I’m singin’ my songs. I just want to be me.”
Mr. Davis started playing me some beats, and I was impressed with howhot the beats were. Clive ison it, I thought to myself. He asked me, “How do you like those beats?” I said jokingly, “You are gangsta!” The whole room became quiet, no one knowing how Mr. Davis would receive such a remark from someone like me. It was dead quiet. Then Mr. Davis started laughing and said to everyone in the room, “Did you hear that, she called me gangsta!” He thought it was really funny. I was slightly embarrassed that I said it like that, but that was what was going through my mind and it
was the realest thought that I had at that moment.
The meeting was a success, and all of my nervousness was a thing of the past. I came away from that meeting thinkin’,“Clive Davis knows what he’s talking about. He has put a lot of people on the map. I respect him. He’s a wise man.”
When I went onAmerican Idol, I wasn’t tryin’ to win. Besides, it’s a pop show and I’m asoul singer. My dream was that one day I would perform in front of thousands of people and I did that. I used to say that all I wanted fromIdol was to get one person to hear me and hook me up. It’s all happening because of God’s grace. That’s the only way to explain it.
MY MOMENT OF
FAITH:WHAT I LEARNED
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.
EPHESIANS2:8
Whatever you put your mind to, you can do. When you have faith you are not supposed to worry.
When people criticize you, just keep growing and growing regardless of what they say.
You can do anything you want to.
Since they said I couldn’t,I did.
5.Keep
Your
Head Up
“You aren’t ugly,Fantasia” is what I tried to tell myself and what I felt God was saying to me deep down in my heart. But I had a hard time listenin’ to Him. Again, I wasn’t lettin’ Him in, which is the reason why I was walking around with my head hung down.
When I was younger, I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I just felt so bad about myself that I couldn’t really hear anything that wasn’t negative, so God’s message of encouragement and love were not getting through. I spent most of my life believin’ I was ugly. I would look in the mirror and see my big ole’ lips, my dark skin, and how skinny I was and that made me miserable most of the time.
To be honest, I have always had low self-esteem. I would look at my flat chest and compare myself to all the other girls and I would kick my clothes across the floor out of my frustration. The frustration inside me felt like something that was going to rupture and make me bust my gut or somethin’. It was a feeling that just wouldn’t go away. I was able to fight this nagging sensation that felt like a pit at the bottom of my stomach when I was with my family or watching TV or singing a song to Zion. Whenever I was with Zion, I always felt like it was all OK. That was the rare time that I was able to keep my head up. Being with Zion let me forget all of my worries and problems. The fact that I never felt like I had enough to give her disappeared when I could see that being with her was what she needed the most. When you are a mother you have an unusual sense of lifelong love that no other relationship can ever beat. Zion looks at me with child’s love, which never ever changes. It is the same way I look at her with mommy’s love. Zion is always a beautiful sight for my tired eyes. She never looks bad to me. When she is crying or sick or swollen or poutin’, she is always beautiful. I feel her looking at me with that same admiration and life-or-death love. Every child thinks that their mommy is beautiful, even if their mommy isme.