by Zoe Dawson
“I want to pay back child support and set up a plan to pay you my share every month.” He kissed her fingers, then her palm. “How’s that for responsible?”
She froze, then pulled her hand free. “Dragon, that’s five years’ worth. It will be a lot of money.”
“I know, Jo. I’m aware of how much it will be.”
She moved away from the door and went into the living room. She folded down on the couch, and he sat down next to her. “I haven’t spent either my signing bonus or my BUD/S completion bonus. I live in the barracks and eat at the galley on base. I’ve pretty much had no expenses and the NEX, the Navy Exchange, takes care of my personal needs and it’s cheap. Except for my leather jacket and an obsession with expensive jeans and boots, my only indulgences, I’ve managed to save a lot of money.”
“How much do you make a year?” she asked bluntly.
“With my hazard pay about forty-six K.”
She took a breath. “My shop nets me two-hundred and seventy-five K a year—after taxes.”
He smiled and slipped his hand over hers, proud of her, his admiration ramping up a notch. “That’s fantastic, but that doesn’t negate my responsibility to Ceri.”
She threaded her fingers through his and leaned forward. “New York State is weird when it comes to child support. They take the combined income of the parents and assess seventeen percent as a starting number. Then a judge could add more…like Ceri’s private school tuition, her ballet lessons, and maybe in the future, she’ll need tutoring. I don’t know.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“Between our salaries, child support comes out to roughly fifty-four K a year, and fifty percent of it would be close to thirty K. It’s more than half of your salary. I don’t feel comfortable with that, Dragon, especially since I make more, and I can afford to pay for her private school, ballet lessons, and other stuff she’ll need.”
“Why don’t you feel comfortable with it?”
She got up and paced in front of him, her hands clasped into fists by her side. He was mystified that she would argue with him about his share of raising Ceri. She stopped, and his gaze locked on her face. She drew a deep shaky breath and folded her arms tightly across her chest. “Because you risk your life…what…two hundred and fifty odd days a year, sacrifice your personal life to serve, and I just don’t think it’s fair.” Tears gathered in her lashes. Her fierce tone made something give way inside him.
He took a deep, uneven breath. She squeezed her determined eyes closed. “Jo, don’t you know that I fight for you and Ceri? To keep you safe. I don’t give a damn about the amount. I can live on less. What’s important is supporting Ceri,” he said quietly.
She opened her eyes, tears catching in her long lashes. “I couldn’t sleep at night,” she whispered. “I’m not accepting fifty percent, Dragon. That’s final.”
“Jo—”
“Final!” She stared at him, more tears damming up and the look in her eyes almost did him in. Then, she turned on her heel and left the room. “I’ve got to go to bed. I need to be at work tomorrow.” She huffed a breath and came back. “I appreciate it. The offer,” she said softly. “Good night.”
Her door closed sharply after her, and Dragon stood there, dumbfounded.
“What is all the noise out here?” his mom asked as she walked into the living room.
“Jo and I had a disagreement.”
“About what?”
“Child support.”
She was in her robe and pajamas, and her eyes narrowed at him. She turned to look at Jo’s closed door.
“What did you say to upset her?”
“I told her I wanted to pay back support and to do my share. She refuses to allow me to pay fifty percent.”
“Oh. Because she makes more money than you do.”
“That and I’m serving my country. But Mom, that doesn’t alleviate my responsibility.”
She came into the room and sat down on the couch. “Jo is a wonderful person. She has her own value system, and she’s one stubborn lady.”
Dragon dragged his hands through his hair, concerned about Jo’s emotional state. He hadn’t wanted to make her cry. “She’s killing me.” A rush of emotion jammed up in his chest. “I just want to do the right thing.”
She patted his leg. “Of course, you do. You’re my self-sacrificing son.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She got quiet for a moment and gently took his hand in hers, squeezing.
“God, Mom. Not you too. Geez.”
“Oh hush. I’m talking about your brother and how hard you tried to get him on the straight and narrow, and when you couldn’t, you beat yourself up.”
This was the moment, the moment to talk about Asahi and finally get it out in the open. “Mom, do you blame me for his death?”
Frowning, she stared at him. “No,” she said vehemently.
Wanting to shut out the grim recollection of Asahi’s death, his knee-jerk reaction was to close down, but facing his past and understanding it was the key to getting rid of the nightmares he had about Speed.
“Of course not,” she reassured him. “You were trying to help him. I tried so hard to keep you out of the life your dad led. I was determined that son-of-a-bitch wasn’t going to corrupt my beautiful boys.” Her voice dropped an octave. “I was the one who turned your father in…anonymously.”
“You what?” he whispered, his voice taut with disbelief.
Heaving a heavy sigh, she looked up at him, a desolate look in her eyes. Her voice was quiet, almost devoid of emotion when she started to speak. “I would have done it openly, but I couldn’t be sure about him retaliating. If something happened to me, you both would have gone into foster care, and I couldn’t have that. He got what he deserved, Ryuu. There’s no shame in what I did.” Her face seemed to age before his eyes under the weight of her memories.
She sighed again, continuing, “I loved your brother, and I warned him about those gangs. I was heartbroken when I saw the first tattoo. It’s the day I lost him, really lost him.”
Dragon slid over and gathered his mom against him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”
She smoothed her hand up his arm in a comforting caress, a quiet urgency in her voice. “It wasn’t your responsibility to save him, but I will never forget your courage and dedication to him. It’s what comforts me on the days that I can’t help remembering.”
He released her and told her about the NCIS agent and what had happened with the two gang members who had been convicted of Asahi’s murder.
She stared at him rigidly for a few seconds, then looked away, the muscles of her throat working. “My poor boy. He does deserve justice.”
“NCIS won’t rest until they find out the truth.”
His mom gave him a bleak smile then looked away, haunted by the pain of recollection. “That is comforting. Please keep me informed.”
She couldn’t have given him a better segue into the real reason he’d come home. “Mom, there is something I came here to do.”
“What is that?”
“Convince you to move to San Diego with me. I had enough money for a down payment on a house for us, but that’s up in the air. I can rent an apartment though. We’ll make do.”
She reached out and took his face in her hands. “I do you love so much, and the thought of being closer to you makes me very happy.”
“Why do I feel there is a but coming on?”
“Jo needs me. She’s working very hard to support Ceri, and Ceri’s needs are only going to get more demanding as she grows. The child is exceptionally gifted.” Her chin took on a stubborn set. “Even if she hadn’t turned out to be my grandchild—thank you for that—I would have wanted to stay. I love them like family, like my own flesh and blood. Jo is like a daughter to me.”
“But your health, Mom, and your financial situation—”
“What’s wrong with my financial situation?”
“Jo
said you moved in with her because you were having a hard time making ends meet.” His mom snorted, then looked away. “Mom…what is going on?”
“I told her that so she would offer to take me in.”
“What? Why?”
“I knew she had too much pride to take my offer to watch Ceri for her free of charge. I’m far from broke.”
“What have you been doing with all that money I sent you?”
“Banking it. I got insurance money from your dad’s death that has sustained me quite nicely, augmented by his stash of illegal cash.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
She shrugged. “Unhear it then. I don’t give one wit about it. He owed me.”
“So you won’t move.”
“I won’t, son. They need me more than you do.” She looked at the clock. “I’d better get to bed. Our day starts early.” She kissed him, then rose.
“One more thing. If you didn’t blame me for Asahi’s death, why were you so adamant that I not come home?”
“I was afraid of losing you too, to this violent city.” He opened his mouth, but she held up her hand. “I know you’re in danger all the time. I didn’t say it was a rational fear. And, God forbid if anything happened to you, but dying on the battlefield is a cleaner, more honorable death than here on the streets. I am so proud of you for your service to this country, for your personal sacrifices, for doing the right thing with Ceri and Jo, and for wanting to take care of me.” She sighed, blinking rapidly, her voice watery. “I wouldn’t have one regret moving Jo and Ceri out of here, but it’s where Jo’s livelihood is, and it’s not my decision.” She walked toward the hall. “Good night, my boy,” she said before disappearing out of his sight. He heard her door close.
Later on when Dragon got into bed, he thought about all the conversations, wrestling with his feelings about Asahi, trying to let go of the pain and the guilt of losing his brother, finally letting his love for him fill the space that had been empty. He hadn’t forsaken him.
His eyes drifted closed, and his last thought before he fell asleep was what would have happened if he’d given in to Jo’s urging in her room and taken what she’d offered.
“You think you have everything figured out?” Speed asked, as Dragon blinked at him from the bar suspended over the pool of water. His hands were tied on either side, his shoulders aching with excruciating agony. He blinked to clear his vision and saw Speed kneeling with his hands tied behind his back, Natasha standing over him, her knee-high, spiked boots gleaming in the dim light.
She had a whip in her hand, and she trailed the leather over Speed’s back, a salacious look on her face. His brain struggled with the facts. Natasha and Boris Golovkin were dead. Speed was dead. He struggled against the ropes, and she laughed.
“I didn’t forsake my brother!” Dragon shouted.
“You did forsake your brother,” Speed snarled. “You forsake me! All of you left me to die.” Speed looked up at him, anger and hatred on his face. “Pitbull didn’t have my back because he knew who I was. He used to be my best friend.”
“I had your back! We came for you. We—”
“You never knew me. You never tried.”
He bowed his head and struggled with the agony ripping at his muscles and joints and the heavy guilt that consumed his soul.
When he looked at Speed again, he was face down on the floor, his eyes staring into nothing. Hollywood and the rest of Ruckus’s team stood around him, supporting their teammate Blue.
Then everything shifted and it was Jo Natasha had on her knees, the terror on Jo’s face grabbing him in a vice-like grip. Darkness surrounded them, obscuring them, and all he could hear was a heavy sobbing, and Ceri’s terrified voice calling, “Daddy!”
Dragon’s face contorted, and he screamed, “No. We tried. We cared! He was one of us.”
He jerked awake, Jo’s concerned face above him, her hands on his shoulders. “Ryuu, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up,” she said gently.
He took a shuddering breath, his whole body trembling. Speed had been right, and the guilt Dragon felt stemmed from the fact that he hadn’t tried to get to know any of his team. Not really. He’d kept all of them on the fringes of friendship, not committing, not withdrawing, just in a kind of self-imposed limbo. He was closer with Ruckus’s team because it was easier than building something with his own team. Getting emotionally involved would require him to open himself to the kind of pain he’d suffered when Asahi had died.
“I’m awake,” he rasped out, and Jo collapsed beside him on the bed.
“My God.” She turned her head. “That must have been a bad one.”
In the past, he would have shut down, just skimmed over the turmoil and given very little. Now he realized that when he did that, when he closed down even a small part of himself, it closed out the people he cared about.
He was feeling guilt about Speed, not because of his children or their loss, but because he hadn’t known the man. He hadn’t had a relationship with him at all. He should have learned more from partnering with Ruckus’s team. Those guys were bonded and tight. They knew how to live the brotherhood. He wanted that for his team. He wanted to be as close and tight knit as they all were. But that was going to take a lot of mending, teambuilding, and opening up to the possibility of pain. But that came with living. It was the part of living that made everything worthwhile.
He turned to his side and reached out and pulled her into an embrace against his cold, sweat-soaked body. He dropped his head and started talking. Jo shifted and wrapped her arms around him, her hand soothing up and down his bare back.
He told her about Speed and what had happened. He told her about Asahi and how he’d closed down. Then he told her how much of a role she and Ceri had played in waking him up.
“You might have been holding back for a long time, but the fact that you were having horrible nightmares about your teammate shows that you’re not closed off at all. We’re always trapped by our own feelings and emotions. That’s hard to get away from because we’re human, and they’re part of us. Caring about people opens us up to heartache, but life is so much richer for it. Don’t you think?”
“I’m beginning to realize that. It makes me want to do more to bring us all together, not just in battle and having each other’s backs, but on a deeper friendship level, which I was avoiding until I got closer to Hollywood from Ruckus’s team. I think that might have triggered the nightmares.” He laughed. “The next time I see Hollywood, I’ll blame everything on him.”
She chuckled. “No you won’t. You’ll accept it all on yourself.”
“How can you get me like that when I didn’t even know it myself?”
“Because, caring has always been a part of who you are.”
“You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”
“That would hold water if I knew you’d met a lot of women, but since you work all the time with a bunch of macho men…you might be biased.”
He shifted closer. “I am biased with you.
A resigned feeling crowded him, making his shoulders tighten and making him feel like hell. There was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to be in Ceri’s life…and he wanted a fighting chance with Jo, but that took proximity, closeness, time to build something deep and strong. But how? How could he get that to work? He couldn’t fix things. She had to be the one to do so. The burden of change, upheaval, and sacrifice would once again fall on Jo.
She moved, and all the sensuous thoughts he’d banked after his shower came roaring back.
He shouldn’t be thinking about making love with her. The price of having her was going to be too damn steep. He could feel it in his bones just how long he was going to be paying for fulfilling his greatest desire, for easing the ache she’d put in his heart…and yeah, a couple of other places.
A cold day in hell—that’s how long it was going to take, until hell froze over.
12
Jo took a breath, releasing the la
st of the fear she’d experienced when she’d heard his hoarse, agonized cries. She kissed his bristly jaw, the stubble making him look dark and dangerous, but the vulnerability in his eyes made him so human.
“I’m sorry about before, about our conversation regarding the child support. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to do what’s right, Jo. Supporting you, my mom, and Ceri is important to me.”
“I understand, and I’m sorry I got so upset, but what you do is priceless, Dragon. I can and will contribute more because I make more. Is that fair? Can you live with that?”
“I think I’ll have to since it’s the truth.”
“Does it intimidate you that I make so much more?”
“Hell no. I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished, and really, Jo, this isn’t about numbers and who makes more. We’re both aware of that, right?”
She nodded. “Do you want to know why I didn’t blame you and wasn’t angry when you came back? Why I’ve made it easy for you to bond with Ceri?”
“I’m not sure I can handle it,” he said.
She smiled, her heart contracting at his hushed tone. “There were two of us who made the decision to be together back then, although the chemistry between us is still so strong.” She reached out and smoothed her hand over his shoulder, and he closed his eyes.
“First, I had no idea what it would mean to have a child in my life. It’s been wonderful. You gave me her, and I will be eternally grateful for that. Secondly, I don’t know how I knew this, but you would have done everything to support us if you had known. You’ve already proven that to me. Thirdly, I have these feelings for you that won’t go away no matter how unlikely it was I would ever see you again. We have something special.”
“Jo, what are you saying?”
“I want to be with you again. We have more responsibilities now than we did before. I don’t know where this will go, but I know that being with you is never, ever a mistake.”
“I want to,” he said raggedly. “Fuck, I want to, but getting physically involved right now could make this all the more confusing and difficult.”