“Requests?”
“Ladies’ choice,” Connor said.
She began to sing, her voice rich and low.
“Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” she sang.
Shay perked up. “Dylan Thomas?”
She paused, shrugging. “Yeah. It’s kind of our mantra here. I made up a melody to go along with the poem.”
“How long have you been playing?” Shay watched her fingers move along the frets, clearly fascinated.
“Since I was four,” Adne said. “My mother taught me.”
“She’s a natural, but that’s no surprise. Adne’s good at everything. Child genius and all.” Connor pushed a strand of Adne’s mahogany hair off her forehead. His brown eyes gleamed in the firelight as his fingers lingered on her skin.
A nagging suspicion crept through me. Something lay just beneath the surface of Connor and Adne’s constant bickering. I was sure of it.
So many hidden stories linking all of them together. These two have secrets of their own.
“I can tell,” Shay murmured, his eyes fixed on Adne’s swiftly moving fingers. “Could you teach me?”
Adne’s strumming paused. “To play?”
Shay nodded.
She smiled at him, patting the bench next to her. “Of course.”
Shay moved to her side and she placed the guitar on his thighs. I swallowed hard when she moved to sit behind him on the table, leaning over him so she could guide his hands on the guitar.
Despite my suspicions about Connor and Adne, I wondered if their story was in the past—and Adne had her eye on a future with Shay. I didn’t doubt Shay’s feelings for me, but jealousy still nipped at me anytime I saw him and Adne together. Even if he wasn’t interested in her, they were becoming fast friends. And that made my chest ache. I missed my friends. Especially Bryn. Even if she had to pry information from me about my feelings, her constant concern, her presence had sustained me. Every alpha needed that support.
I forced my eyes off Adne and Shay. The thought of turning into a wolf and pinning Adne to the floor was becoming more and more appealing.
“I think I’m gonna call it a night.” Connor yawned loudly, though he had fixed a hard gaze on the impromptu music lesson. “Adne, can I escort you to your room?”
“What?” Adne barely glanced at him. “I suddenly need an escort? Did we have a time warp to the nineteenth century that I missed?”
Connor glared at Shay and then kicked the floor with the heel of his boot. He looked vulnerable, something I’d never seen in the everjoking Searcher before.
“No, I—” he mumbled. “Night, then.”
“Night.” Adne’s attention was back on the guitar.
Connor looked back at Shay and Adne once more, hesitating. The expression on his face was strange, caught somewhere between anger and sadness.
“I think I’ll go to bed too,” I said. Before I tear her fingers off.
“I’ll walk you to your room. I’ll even sing you a lullaby . . . and maybe you could show me what makes you howl,” Connor said, a smile sliding across his mouth.
“Hey!” Shay snapped out of his trance to glare at the Searcher.
“Down, boy.” Connor laughed.
“Come on, Shay,” Adne chided, pulling his hands into place on the guitar. “Pay attention. Put your fingers here and here. That’s a G chord.”
Shay flushed, wrenching his neck to look at Adne. “Sorry. Uh . . . okay, G chord.”
“Don’t worry; you’ll get the hang of it.” She rested her chin on his shoulder.
I followed Connor out of the dining hall, a burning knot occupying the place my stomach used to be.
“You hanging in there, kiddo?” He glanced at me as we climbed the stairs. “Pretty big changes happening in your life.”
I rolled my shoulders back, not certain how to take his question. “Why do you care?” I regretted my harsh tone, but I was still bristling from watching Adne wrap herself around Shay at the table. Plus hanging out with Connor was like riding a roller coaster: I didn’t know whether he’d be making inappropriate comments or asking thoughtful questions. The Searchers were giving me emotional whiplash.
“You know you will have to trust us . . . eventually,” he said.
I flashed my teeth at him rather than giving him a true smile. “Eventually.”
“Fair enough,” he said, pausing at the door to my room. “Sweet dreams, alpha.”
“Thanks,” I said, and pushed the door open.
I didn’t bother turning on the light; instead I collapsed on the bed and stared at the dark sky above, my mind too frantic for sleep to be a real possibility. Nonetheless, I still felt sapped, weary. But the ache was deeper than that.
I’m lonely.
Until that moment I hadn’t realized that in truth, I’d never been alone. I’d always had the pack, no matter what challenges life had thrown my way. In their absence I felt lost, utterly without purpose. I’d run from Vail to save Shay but also to save my friends. Now that choice seemed less like a solution and more like an ephemeral hope that moved further and further away from materializing.
What am I doing here?
I rolled over on the bed, burying my face in a pillow, and closed my eyes. The room was a little cold, but I didn’t bother to pull the thick down comforter over me. The uncomfortable chill that crept along my limbs further fed my disconsolate spirit. My body tensed, but I didn’t stir when I heard the door open and then quietly click shut once more. I caught the scent of sun-warmed grasses and clover. Shay’s gentle footfalls crossed the room and then paused.
“I know you’re awake, Calla.”
I sighed, flipping over to face him.
“What happened to your guitar lesson?” I sounded catty, and it only made me angrier that Adne had so easily gotten under my skin.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He crawled across the bed.
I leaned away, rolling onto my back.
“You left Adne all alone? I think she was looking forward to teaching you.” I think she was looking forward to more than that.
“She had to go back to Denver,” he said. “Silas showed up with a report for her to take back to the outpost. But now that I’m here, it sounds like you’d rather I left you all alone.”
I couldn’t decide if he sounded irritated or amused, so I didn’t answer. I let my eyes wander back to the starry sky. Then the tiny, winking lights were replaced by shadow as Shay moved close to me. My breath caught when instead of stretching out beside me, he positioned his body over mine. His weight pressed me down into the mattress.
“Shay.” I was startled, but unafraid. “What are you doing?” My hands moved up to his chest and kept his torso suspended just above me.
His fingers circled my wrists, holding me down, preventing me from pushing him off.
“No more hiding behind your fear, Calla. No more running away,” he said. “You can try to tear both of my hands off if you really want to. But I am going to kiss you now.”
I swallowed as I took in the bright, confident gleam in his eye. He had no fear of me. Even through the light clasp of his fingers, I could feel the depth of his strength; it was surprising and enticing. He no longer approached me with the trepidation he’d had as a human; now he was a Guardian. And not only that, but the Scion: he would bear the Elemental Cross. A weapon the likes of which the world had never seen. He was a true warrior. My equal. Perhaps more. My lips curved in a smile when I realized that Shay’s vulnerability, which had first provoked me to save his life, had ebbed away and was replaced by iron strength that matched his fierce, unrepentant will. He no longer needed me to be his protector, but he still wanted me. The expression etched on his face was hungry, full of the need to know that I wanted him too. And I did.
I’m free now. I love him. There isn’t any reason to stop.
He released my wrists, waiting, watching me. I didn’t push him away but let my hands rest against the hard muscles of his chest. He
bent toward me and I slid my arms around his neck, my fingers twining in the soft curls of his hair. Then his lips were on mine, parting them gently.
Shay’s kiss held the promise of that freedom I’d longed for. Sweet and tender like the first green shoots that push up to find the spring sun. I closed my eyes and let pure sensation wash over me. Honey and clover. Soft, warm rain filling my mouth, pouring over my body. He was brilliant sunlight that drove away winter’s chill.
His body pressed harder into mine, and I wrapped my legs around him. A low sound somewhere between a groan and a growl slipped from his throat. His kisses lingered, exploring my mouth, each caress drawing more desire from deep inside me. My hands moved along his back, feeling the strength in his shoulders, wanting to know more of him. He slid his hands beneath my shirt, stroking the bare skin of my stomach, and began to move up slowly. My blood was on fire.
I pulled my shirt up over my shoulders and tossed it away. I felt every inch of Shay’s body suddenly tighten as his eyes took me in. I slipped my own hands under his shirt, my fingers moving not up but down, finding the buttons of his jeans, toying with them, wanting to go further but not certain I should. He leaned down, kissing me hard. I moved against him, needing to be closer to him, hating the remaining clothing that separated us. My fingers undid the first button of his jeans and slipped down to the next. My breath came in gasps at the scorching trail his hands made as they slid over my skin.
“Calla,” he murmured against my lips. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”
Something about his words made me falter, like I’d tripped in the darkness and was suddenly falling, falling. And then it wasn’t Shay above me, but Ren. His dark eyes gleamed in the dim light of the room, his hands slipping over my skin. Just let me kiss you, Calla. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to.
It was as though an icy wind swept through the room. The fire licking my skin was smothered, replaced by hollow cold. I shuddered and my stomach lurched. I began to shake my head.
“What’s wrong?” Shay’s hands paused.
“Stop.” My fists came up to his chest, and this time I pushed him away hard enough that he backed off, startled. I closed my eyes, grabbing my shirt off the floor, no longer able to look at him. “I can’t.”
My entire body shook so violently I could barely pull my shirt back on. The dark chasm that resided in my chest roared to life, sucking my brief calm into its yawning oblivion. I hated myself for pulling away from him, knowing I wanted Shay, loved him. Why can’t I let go of the past? What is wrong with me?
Alarm filled his voice. “What happened? You’ve gone white.” He tried to pull me into his arms, but I scrambled from the bed.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, unable to further vocalize the sudden conflict of impulses that tore through me. I clasped my hands against my chest. Unbidden but instinctively my fingers traced the surface of Ren’s ring.
Ren’s voice filled my ears. Tell me you’ll come back for the pack. For me.
It felt like the room was spinning. I’d left him behind. He’d risked everything for me, and this was how I was repaying him. By giving myself to someone else when I was promised to him. What am I doing here? With people who have always been my enemies? I belong with my pack. The fire in my veins turned to ice as I realized I wasn’t free. I wouldn’t be free until my pack was safe. A part of me was a prisoner to the fear that I’d sentenced them to a terrible fate.
“Calla, what is it?” Shay stepped toward me, but both our heads snapped around at the sudden banging on the door. In the next moment, it flew open and Adne burst in.
“Calla!” Her eyes were wild. “We have to go back to Denver now!”
“What’s wrong, Adne?” Shay rushed to her side. “An attack? The Keepers?”
“No.” She stared at him for a moment as if shocked to find him in my room. She shook off her surprise, turning back to me. “Ethan took down a Guardian out on patrol.”
“A Guardian?” My heart began to pound as I saw the terrified sparks in her gaze.
Her voice trembled. “He says he’s your brother.”
PART II
INFERNO
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
Dante, Inferno
TWELVE
“WHAT?” MY QUESTION emerged as a hoarse whisper.
“Her brother?” Shay gaped. “You mean Ansel?”
“I didn’t get a name,” Adne said. “Why are you still standing there? Come on!”
I snapped out of my shock and bolted for the door. Adne was already running down the hall. I could hear Shay’s feet pounding just behind me.
Ethan took down a Guardian. Took down? The electric adrenaline that pulled me after Adne transformed into a numbing dread. Fear’s icy tendrils turned into sharp spikes of terror when I caught sight of the glimmering open door.
I stopped, not recognizing the man who stood alongside it. “Good, you’ve found them,” he said. “Everyone else has gone through.”
“That’s just Jerome, Calla. Go on.” Adne pushed me into the portal.
I stumbled forward, landing on my hands and knees in Purgatory’s training room.
“What were you thinking?!” Monroe roared. “He’s a child!”
I was afraid of what possibly could have made Monroe so angry.
“He was running at me, Monroe. Screaming like a banshee, I swear,” Ethan yelled, his voice choked and full of strain. “He yelled, ‘I’m a Guardian, I’m a Guardian,’ over and over. What was I supposed to do?”
Isaac, Connor, and Silas were staring at something on the floor in front of them, their faces ashen. That was when I saw the blood pooling at their feet.
Monroe tore his raging eyes from Ethan at the sound of our approach. His anger gave way to fear when he saw me.
“Calla—” He stepped over the rivulets of blood that moved out from the circle of Searchers and grabbed my arm.
I wrenched away from him and shoved aside Connor, who had stepped behind Monroe in a second attempt to shield whoever was on the floor from my view.
Ansel wasn’t moving. His clothes were dark with blood. I screamed and covered my mouth with my hands. Crossbow bolts protruded from his chest.
“Ansel! Ansel!!”
“I didn’t know who it was . . . ,” Ethan began, and stared at me with wild eyes. “He just threw himself at me. I thought he would claw my eyes out.”
I lunged at Ethan, but Connor’s arms wrapped around me from behind.
“Whoa, girl,” he said, trying to keep his voice even, but I could hear his anxiety. “Let’s not do anything hasty.”
“I will kill you,” I growled, struggling against Connor.
“Oh God.” Shay was beside me, staring at Ansel. He looked at me. “Can you help him?”
The red wave of rage had pushed all rational thought from my mind. I closed my eyes, trying to draw breath.
“If his heart is still beating,” I murmured. “Maybe.”
“Okay, then let’s do that. I’ll help you. You have to focus, Cal. Save Ansel.” Shay touched my arm. He looked at Connor. “Let her go.”
Connor glanced at Monroe, who had positioned himself between me and Ethan. Monroe gave a slight nod. Connor eased his grip on me, and Shay took both of my hands, pulling me to Ansel’s side. I knelt in the blood and put my hands on Ansel’s chest. I could hear his breath, wet and ragged. His pulse was there, but it was weak and slowing.
I choked on a sob. “Oh God, Ansel.”
“I’m sorry.” Ethan was staring at us, his face a mixture of grief and horror. “I didn’t know he was your brother.”
I glared at him, rage making every beat of my heart deafening.
“Stop talking, Ethan,” Monroe said, and moved to block my view of the Searcher.
“Calla.” Shay’s voice brought me back to the task at hand. “Ansel needs help now. What can I do?”
I shook my head, trying to focus. “He needs blood, and the arrows have to come out.�
�
Shay nodded.
“When I tell you, pull the shafts as quickly as you can.”
“All right.”
He moved to the other side of Ansel’s limp form and grasped a crossbow bolt. I raised my forearm to my lips and bit down. I slid my hand underneath Ansel’s head and tilted it up. I wedged my fingers between his lips, parting them. Then I leaned down and murmured in his ear as I pressed my bleeding arm against his mouth.
“Listen, baby brother. Please listen.” I was sobbing as I spoke. “I need you to hear me. You have to drink, Ansel. Please drink.”
My blood poured into his mouth. Down his throat. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against his temple. The Searchers stared at us, silent and frozen in place. A mixture of horror and curiosity played across their faces.
Ansel didn’t move. My blood was filling his mouth; it began to trickle out one corner of his lips.
“Calla?” Shay’s voice was edged with fear.
“Please, Ansel,” I whispered again. “Drink. I love you. Don’t do this. Drink.”
Ansel’s body jerked, a sharp shuddering movement. His jaw opened and he swallowed. His muscles convulsed and his head pulled away from my arm.
“Adne, Connor, get over here,” I shouted. “He’s going to fight. I need you to hold him still.”
They both came to my side and pinned his shoulders to the floor. He jerked again, and they had no trouble holding him still. Even through my fear I frowned. His struggling was weak. Something was wrong. I put my bleeding arm back against his mouth.
“Come on, An,” I said. “You need this. Keep drinking. Don’t fight it.”
He swallowed again and then began to drink steadily.
“Keep him down,” I said, glancing at Adne and Connor.
They grimaced and nodded.
“Shay, start pulling the arrows.”
“Okay.” Shay sucked in a quick breath. “Here goes nothing.” He jerked the first shaft out of Ansel’s chest.
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