by Raven Scott
“I shot her in the head.” The car jostled slightly when Erik jammed down the gas pedal from his shock, and he quickly hit the brakes. A strange sort of emptiness pushed out from my chest, and I sniffed as I rested my head back against the seat. My seatbelt burned only faintly against my collar bone, and he caught my eyes in the rearview to narrow into tight points. “I’m not lying. I did kill her. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t even feel relief. She was so high. You know what she said to me? I was the ‘good one’ and she needed rent money. She didn’t even know where she was or anything.”
“Why are you telling me this, Natasha?” Propping my elbow on the window to hold my chin on my palm, I watched Erik pulled onto the curb sharply to jerk the emergency break. He twisted to face me fully, and I tensed at the dark shadows that played on his face. “You murdered someone— you realize that, right?”
“I’d do it again without hesitating. I murdered her? I took her life? At least I don’t have to worry about what information she may be feeding those pigs.” Erik’s eyes widened in surprise, and a scornful snort escaped my nose even as I frowned nastily. “They were onto us long before Carlyle entered the picture, Erik. Valerie never knew why we moved here, and yeah, I fucking lied to her a lot. Everything I ever said to her is probably a lie. But you know what? I was right, and we had a year— a whole year— of peace and normalcy.”
“They were chasing you down? Why?” I shrugged, refusing to blink as dread flooded my chest and twisted my insides. Those were questions I couldn’t answer— didn’t want to answer— and it didn’t matter anymore, anyway. They were all dead or in hiding. Carlyle made sure of that. “What happened?”
“It was really convenient, actually. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she found out the same day that I got a phone call from my mom saying she needed money. She called all the time— from prison, from her drug dealer, from pay phones— and I didn’t change my number because I was scared that if they couldn’t call me, they’d come find me. Valerie never knew how much Mom would call me. So, she called a couple hours after Valerie found out about the guy cheating on her, and she said . . . she needed my help. She was in a lot of debt, and they were gonna kill her if she couldn’t pay. She needed me to go down to Dallas and help her out. It’ll just take a day, maybe even less!” Scoffing loudly as Erik’s eyes glittered dangerously, I dug my nails into my cheek as a hollow laugh escaped me to release some of the pressure on my heart. “I convinced Valerie to move here. We were living in Utah at the time, and it was way too close. I spent a long, long time making sure that Valerie thought the move was natural, but . . . anyway, so when they realized I wasn’t going to, they targeted Valerie.”
“It seems like a really long and difficult thing to go through for you and your sister. I don’t get why they didn’t just use your mother when they already had her.” I shrugged again, and Erik frowned under the deep crease between his brows. “That doesn’t make sense at all, Natasha. What gang was it? You’ve obviously seen what’s going on in Dallas on the news, right?”
“Yeah, but my mom’s dead. Those guys aren’t coming after us anymore. And to be honest, Erik, ‘why’ is never a question you ask when it comes to people like that. You know that. They do it because they can, not for any reason.” If Erik noticed I was dodging the question, he didn’t show it, and he grunted lowly before retreating to the front seat. “I told you about it because . . . I don’t know. There’s no reason not to. What are you gonna do? Take me to the police station? It’s your word against mine, and you’ll never find her.”
He didn’t answer, and I unhooked my nails from my jaw to hiss softly at the sting.
22
Natasha
“Does it bother you?” Posing my question before stuffing my hard-shell taco into my mouth, I glanced over at Erik steadily. He really wasn’t good at hiding his emotions, and he nodded dully as he squirted fire sauce on his own food.
“I hate this shit. When you get shipped out, you know the guy you’re going after is evil, the worst, a psychopath or a radical or just plain insane. It’s not cut and dry anymore. You really did that, but what she did to you . . . ” We sat in a nearly abandoned taco shop on the outskirts of downtown, and Erik trailed off to scowl as confusion drenched his features. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“It’s easy when people tell you exactly what you should do and think and feel… That’s why I stopped going to therapy. As awful as it was, that was my life from the time I was twelve until I was sixteen and we got emancipated. It was normal for me, and I had learned to deal with it as normal. The therapist I went through tried to convince me that I wasn’t upset enough.” Shaking my head a little, I adjusted my grip on my taco as years and years therapy flashed in my mind’s eye. “Acknowledging that it was bad, and that I’m fucked up because of it . . . I did that. Agonizing over what I couldn’t change and trying to navigate it as a learning experience. I can’t do that. My therapist basically told me that succumbing to my emotions was the only way to get over it, but how are you supposed to get over it? It’s a part of my life I can’t ignore, because this is what happens.”
Gesturing to my head absently, I took a deep breath laden with the heady scent of greasy tacos, and Erik grunted softly in acknowledgment. I ignored my past way more than I should’ve, and I know that now, but I didn’t think that going into a blackout rage was a good idea, either.
“Is that why you’re agreeing to go with me? To work through it at your own pace and in a way that you think is best?” Pausing my bite with my taco shell between my teeth, I cast Erik a quizzical glance, and his lips thinned briefly. “Or is it just to distract yourself from the fact that you’re getting bad again?”
“Um, probably a little of both. To be honest, I know that I’ll probably never be okay, but that’s fine. And you know why?” He shook his head, hoisting his taco out of the boat, and a small, wistful smile stretched my lips. “Because I’d do it the same way anyway. It’s not like I didn’t have some vague idea of what was going on. I knew it wasn’t good, but I did it anyway because if it wasn’t me, it’d be Valerie. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a damn thing.”
“It must be nice to believe that. If I could go back to that night in Syria, I would do a hundred things different. Even if it didn’t make a difference in the end, I hate feeling like I didn’t do enough.” Erik took a bite off his taco, but I could see it on his face that he didn’t really taste it, and my heart ached for him. I never had friends, and I couldn’t imagine having a best friend and then watching him die right in front of me. He swallowed harshly, opening his mouth to continue, but his cell phone rang shrill, and I jumped at the sudden interruption. “Hang on.”
Taking the edge off my own taco, I nodded while Erik fished his phone out of his pocket, and he inhaled a stabilizing breath before swiping the ‘Accept’ button with his pinky.
“What’s up, Dad? I’m a little busy.” His expression contorted in annoyance, but I couldn’t understand whatever his dad said. “I know I don’t have a job right now. That’s not why I’m busy. What do you want? I mean, yeah, I’m not busy this weekend, I don’t think.”
Casting me a brow arched in question, Erik nodded when I nodded, but the irritation never dimmed in his eyes as he turned back to his taco.
“Uh, yeah, I guess I can. I‘m not staying long enough to get accused of being a lazy piece of shit sleeping on the couch, though. Yeah, okay. I’ll see you Friday, then.” Hanging up, Erik sat back in the chair to heave a sigh, and I didn’t question him as he took a huge chunk off his taco. Today had been a weird series of intimate discussion and long, sullen silences, and he stared at the table dazedly as he chewed before swallowing and opening his mouth. “I guess I’m going to my parents’ house this weekend. My sister gets back from deployment on Thursday, and they’re having a party.”
“You don’t want to go?” Erik pulled an uncomfortable face, and I set my taco down to grab my drink. “Why not?”
“It’s my whole family that gets together— aunts, uncles, cousins, literally everyone. My parents live on a ranch in South Carolina, and things get really crazy really fast. Plus, I don’t like my sister that much.” Curiosity sparked in my chest, and Erik ran his hand over his head roughly. “She’s one of, like, less than a hundred women in the Marines combat battalions, and she thinks she’s the shit because of it. It’s beyond annoying. I know it’s an achievement, but she needs to learn to knock it down a notch or three.”
“Oh, does she think she can beat you in everything?”
“Okay, to preface this, I’m not a misogynist by any means, but . . . my sister thinks we’re equals in everything because she’s a Marine. There’s nothing special about her being a Marine combatant. Hundreds of thousands of people have done exactly what she did. The only difference is that she’s a woman, but she’s the only woman in the family in the military, so she gets treated like she’s amazing, and she’s not. She’s average at best.” Giggling a little at how put out Erik was, I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, and his cheek twitched as he cast me a warm glance. “Plus, I’m a firm believer that women have their strengths and men have theirs and there’s a reason ‘equal’ is dangerous.”
“I don’t think I could kill someone like that. My mom, well, that’s different, but . . . ” Nodding in understanding, Erik got the point I couldn’t articulate, and I sighed softly as I sat back in my own chair. “Isn’t being a SEAL, like, more intensive and stuff than being a Marine?”
“The Marines are the ones that go save everyone, and we’re the ones that go save them. They’re just lifeguards.” Waving his hand in dismissal, Erik picked up his second taco, and I cocked my head curiously. “Plus, they break everything. Literally, they destroy shit and go through equipment like no tomorrow. It’s no wonder the military budget is friggen massive.”
Humming softly, I watched him take a bite of his taco, and Erik met my gaze with questions swirling in his eyes.
“So, is that why you hate CPS?” Frowning at the probe as Erik swallowed his mouthful, I licked my lips heavily as nerves tingled on my tongue. “Because it’s normal, and they try to force it on you that it’s not.”
“Oh, yeah. When we got CPS called on us that one time, they tried to separate us.” He choked a little in surprise, and a sourness tainted my expression as I turned to glare at my half-eaten taco. “They were so concerned about our mom being high as a kite, but they had nowhere to put us both together. The lady that showed up said we were going to different homes for the week, but we weren’t little kids at that point.”
“What did you do?” Memories flashed behind my lids when I blinked, and I bopped my head side to side with a thoughtful hum. Remembering back then was so hard— the feelings were there, but I’d blocked out the images at some point.
“I asked her why she thought that being with our mom was worse than separating us. Valerie and I are fraternal twins. When this lady said it was because our mom was a drug abuser and dangerous, I asked her how she was dangerous if she was so high out of her mind that she couldn’t move. She couldn’t answer that one. It went downhill for her from there.” Truthfully, I didn’t remember details from that day, only that it happened, and that the CPS lady had slunk off in defeat. As a thirteen-year-old, I learned the government was bad, the teachers were bad— everyone was bad. No one could be trusted not to rat us out, even though it was with good intentions.
That was why the saying ‘The road to Hell is paved with good intentions’ is a fucking saying in the first place.
“Do you want to come with me to South Carolina, Natasha?” The offer surprised me, and Erik pursed his lips in determination as I stiffened. “We can start there on the map. It’s about a thirteen-hour drive, though.”
Opening my mouth only to close it, I rolled my lips between my teeth against the dread that clenched my gut, and I found myself nodded as panic descended on my mind. Erik reached along the edge of the table to touch my hand, and I sucked in a sharp breath as goosebumps surged up my arm. His eyes blazed with warmth and satisfaction that I’d said ‘yes’, and I blinked at the brightness of them.
23
Erik
My phone rang, again, and I sucked in a huge, calming breathing as irritation threatened to close my airways. Glancing in the rearview mirror absently, I pursed my lips thinly as Natasha stared dazedly out the window. Tapping the screen on my dash to answer the call, I ground my teeth as I turned my narrowed gaze back to the road.
“Dad, you’ve never called me so often in my entire life, what the hell do you want?” My snap reverberated off the windows and ceiling of my car, and I turned onto my street as I gripped the wheel with white-knuckle tightness.
“Uh, who snapped your bayonet, Erik?” Groaning loudly, I flopped my head against the rest as my brother’s amused voice filtered through the car’s speakers. “Didn’t you check who was calling? More importantly, I was calling because you’ll never guess what I just found out.”
“Jason.” But my older brother wasn’t listening to me, and he practically screamed into the receiver with joy. Wincing when the screech rattled my brain, I automatically looked back as Natasha let out a squeak of shock, jumping in her seat and gripping the buckle tightly, like she’d unfasten her seatbelt and jump out the window. Wide, brown eyes met mine in the mirror, and I shook my head silently.
“Oh, man! I’m getting my ass shoved into the Reservist Corp! Finally! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this to get approval? I don’t have to go on deployment anymore!” Surprise rose my brows, and I nearly choked on my own spit as I took the last turn before my house came into view.
“What! That’s great! I bet Mary is really happy.” Okay, going from active to reserves is kinda taboo, but . . . Especially in our family, we either die or, well, there was no other option, really. I got a lot of heat for taking medical discharge, but being a reservist is even worse in my dad’s mind. “That’s awesome. Where are you being stationed?”
“Williamston, in South Caroline. I don’t even have to fucking move this time. I haven’t told Mary, yet. I got the news just now. I’m not even home yet.” Smiling broadly, my mood took a soft turn upwards. Mary had threatened divorce if Jason didn’t find a position that got him home consistently, and I liked Mary more than my own sister. “I had to tell someone. I know the kids will be real happy, and Mary will be ecstatic.”
“Yeah, Jason, I’m really glad for you. Congratulations.” Jason was older than me by a good four years, and he was more than ready to be a family man rather than a military man. He hated leaving Mary to raise their three alone all the time, and they were at the point in the marriage where things could still be fixed. “So, where are you right now?”
“I’m in Norfolk. What about you? You couldn’t stand being a cop? I heard you quit.” Word sure travelled fast, and I nodded even though my brother couldn’t see it. “Are you coming down for the weekend? Were you gonna stick around, or go back to New York?”
“Nah, I fucking hate New York. I’ll be there this weekend, yeah. Do you know if Aunt Kathy’s husband is gonna be there?” From the quiet that ensued, I knew he would be, and I frowned as a growl stuck in my throat. “What do you know, Jason?”
“He’ll be there. That’s all I know. Honestly, just that is enough to make me not want to go, but Mom would be offended, but, hey, I’ll see you on Saturday, okay, Erik?” Grunting in acknowledgment, I turned into my driveway as the speakers rippled with a shrill beep, and I jerked the gear into park before glancing back at Natasha. Curiosity shimmered in her eyes, and my lips thinned as I unbuckled myself and rubbed my face in frustration.
“If you don’t like him, he must’ve done something to deserve it.” Hers wasn’t exactly a question, but I found myself torn between nodding and shaking my head. There wasn’t any one reason I could pinpoint for what Mike ‘must’ve done’, but my siblings and I all hated him.
“Mike’s a really upstanding guy
. . . and I hate him. He rubs me the wrong way. Always has in the ten years they’ve been married.” I could never figure out why I didn’t like Mike, but Natasha accepted my answer and unbuckled herself as I flicked up my coat collar. The brief distraction of my brother’s call was dwindling, and worry nagged me as we climbed out of my car. Natasha didn’t want to go home, but the sun was starting to set— at three p.m.— and we’d run out of things to do. I honestly didn’t expect her to agree to coming to my place, but she had.
Now, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I glanced up at my modest, single floor, two-bedroom rental in uncertainty. I wanted to stew on all the shit that Natasha had flung at me, but I’d invited her to be polite. She wasn’t supposed to agree to come here. Twirling my keys around my finger absently, I turned my gaze to her across the top of the car.
She didn’t look nervous, at least. Her slightly curled, brown hair swept from the wind, and bright, brown eyes shimmering with determination met mine briefly. Rounding the front of my car, her heels clicked softly on the frozen asphalt, and I juggled my phone and keys on the way up the short walkway.
“I should just apologize now, I guess.” Sticking the key in, I grumbled more to myself than her, and Natasha frowned out of my peripheral vision. Pushing the barrier open, I gestured her to go first, and she slipped by keeping a really disheartening distance. I could hear her jacket scrape against the door frame, and I hid my frown as I cleared my throat roughly. “It’s a bit of a mess, sorta.”
“You don’t have anything.” Embarrassment clung to my ribs and tightened my throat, and Natasha’s voice lilted in amusement as she looked around my bare living room. I didn’t have anything at all. I didn’t see the point in furnishing a place I wasn’t going to stay. There wasn’t even a temporary setup, and I stalked to the kitchen to toss my stuff on the counter.