by Raven Scott
38
Erik
“So, wait a minute, I don’t understand. Natasha had such an intense delusion that it replaced parts of her original memory about the kidnapping?” This lady that Carlyle brought in shook her head, and I scowled darkly as I rubbed my jaw in agitation. “I don’t get it. What the hell happened?”
“Essentially, the heart attack she suffered cut blood flow to her brain just long enough to ‘reset’ it, in a way. Think of it like a rubber band too tight around your finger. You unwrap the band fast enough, and everything goes back to normal even though your finger went numb because the nerves were dying. That’s what happened to her brain. Now, ‘replaced’ is a bit of a strong theory considering she still acknowledges the original version of events. The delusions she’s been suffering through the past six and a half days created a restructure of events, like watching a wrestling match with two different outcomes, but the same swings and misses and what-not.” She steepled her fingers as she spoke, her expression becoming more perplexed even as she talked it out, and I barely followed. “Her subconscious mind acknowledges that that particular event is killing her, so it did what it considered self-preservation. It’s almost unheard of, but it has happened before.”
“Self-preservation? How is that self-preservation?” An ache beat against the backs of my eyes, and Dr. Laura smiled sympathetically at me as she leaned forward to prop her elbows on her knees.
“It’s honestly kind of a conundrum, Erik. If her delusions were a completely different entity than reality, as delusions usually are, she would never leave this hospital again. However, the only point that I can tell her delusions diverge from reality is her fighting back against her captors. Now, under normal circumstances, that would be enough for inpatient referral, but, again, these aren’t normal circumstances. Natasha acknowledges and has full awareness that in reality, she didn’t fight back. She acknowledges completely that she was ‘dreaming’, as she put it, and that her fighting back is something she made up while in the midst of her break. She’s got a very firm grasp on reality.” My cheek twitched. I got that so far, and Dr. Laura shot me an inquisitive sidelong glance as I rubbed my palms together. “That’s where self-preservation comes in. Natasha’s heart can’t withstand the stress of those emotions, so her brain created an alternative series of events to help ease that stress. Her most recent EKG proves that there’s a slight improvement compared to the one performed seven days ago when she was admitted.”
“Okay, so she’s covering up again, basically.” Dr. Laura nodded, and sourness coated my tongue. Why didn’t you just fucking say that to begin with? “What’s going to happen now?”
“I’m going to do another assessment to determine if she’s mentally stable enough to leave the hospital, and you should be halfway to Nashville by Monday. Of course, Carlyle made it a point to strong-arm the hospital into agreeing that, under my supervision and on the condition that Natasha call me at least once a day, she be released as soon as possible.” My brows rose in surprise. I don’t know why I expected her to hitch a ride with us or something? She smiled, tucking back a thick lock of grey hair, and I tore my eyes off her to stare at the floor. “How about you, Erik? How are you handling all of this?”
“I want it to be over. I know it’s not a long time, but . . . I’m about ready to get to know the Natasha that’s hiding under the thick crust of shit.” Clasping my hands together, I frowned as my brows drew together sharply, and Dr. Laura nodded out of the corner of my eye. “There’s more in there, and I have a really strong feeling that I’m gonna like it.”
“Isn’t that why we do anything at all, hm? Because we have a feeling. I’m very optimistic about Natasha’s recovery, but you should know, Erik, this is not an all-encompassing cure. It’s a stopgap, nothing more. She needs real treatment and coping mechanisms, and travelling may help, but you’re going to have to see a doctor or counselor at some point.” Jerking my head in a nod, the memory of that brief conversation with Natasha flickered through my mind’s eye. She’d have to find the groups, want to go, make an effort, but I’d support her. Anytime, anywhere, I’d support her.
“Erik.” Glancing up as Natalia came skipping up the hallway, I nodded to the doctor before standing to rub my hands on my jeans. “Is Natasha awake?”
“Not right now, Natalia. Why are you here? Where’s Aunt Kathy?” Natalia shrugged, and I was starting to get seriously worried about the distance she was keeping from both her parents. She and Valentine weren’t close close, but the younger of the two had called me twice this past week to warn me Natalia had taken a cab to the hospital.
And it sure as shit wasn’t to see her father.
“Mom’s here to pick up Dad, but I don’t wanna see him.” Nat was a tall girl for her age, and I clapped a palm on her shoulder with a sigh and slight shake of my head. “Can I go see her? Even if she’s not awake, I wanna make sure she’s okay.”
“Natalia, she’s fine. I promise.”
“Hey.” She obviously wasn’t listening to me, and I arched a brow when she giggled a little, hiding her smile behind her hand. “If you two get married, that means you’ll be my cousin and my brother, and that Natasha is my sister and my cousin and my in-law.”
“Okay, j-just slow down, Natalia. We’re not getting married, and thinking about that gives me a bad headache.” Holding both her shoulders, I rolled my jaw as I tried to figure out what the fuck to say. I mean, Natalia had every right to be curious, but there was such a thing as too insistent. “When Natasha wakes up, if she wants to see you and Aunt Kathy, I’ll let you know. You can’t just show up anymore, Natalia. When was the last time you talked to your mom, huh?”
“Mom doesn’t want to talk. All she does is cry.” In the same way Natasha seemed blank and monotone, so did Natalia, and it was just plain creepy at this point. I never realized how fucking strong Mike’s, or Donald’s, genes were.
“Well, maybe it might be a good idea to not run away all the time and actually listen to what she’s got to say? Ah? What are you hoping for from Natasha, anyway?” No matter how much like Natasha she was, Natalia was still a kid, and she cast me a confused look. Pursing my lips thinly, I sat back down in my chair against the wall and sighed as I stroked my goatee. “Natalia, you might not understand, but Natasha isn’t your friend, and despite what may or may not happen, she’s not your sister. Biologically, yeah, you share a father, but you’re strangers. You don’t know each other, and believe it or not, Natasha’s unconscious right now, and you’re not going to get any answers from staring at her.”
“But we are sisters.” Casting a pleading look at Dr. Laura, I rolled my jaw and covered my frown at the distressed lilt in Natalia’s voice. Inhaling deeply when the older woman only frowned and watched, I sat up a little straighter to stare Natalia in the eye. I mean, maybe this was wrong, but this kid couldn’t abandon the reality of her family and her important siblings for a glorified version of someone who’s extremely fucked up.
“No, she’s not. Natasha doesn’t consider you her sister, Natalia, and she doesn’t want a relationship with you. As hard as that seems, Natasha agreed to answer your questions, but she doesn’t care about you, Natalia. You wanting her to stay isn’t going to make her stay. She’s not your mom. She’s not your sister. She’s a stranger who happens to share some DNA with you.” Big tears welled in Natalia’s eyes, and I ground my teeth a little against the disgust clawing at my throat. “You need to go find and talk to your mom.”
“I’ll bring her.” Dr. Laura stood up to nod at me, and she held Natalia’s shoulder gingerly as she flashed the young girl a comforting smile. “Let’s go find your mom.”
Waiting until they were around a corner and out of my sight, I blustered a massive breath and wondered what the Hell happened to my life. Not that I’d opt out just because it’s a little stressful right now. It’ll be worth it in the end.
At least, that was the hope.
39
Natasha
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nbsp; “I don’t need more of that shit in my life. Thank you for that, Erik.” Resting my head back, I stare at the ceiling, and a groan of frustration bubbled up from deep in my chest. “I fucked up so bad. I hate this. I should’ve listened to you and not gone to this thing.”
“Hey, Natasha, come on. This wasn’t even on my list of reasons when I said it might not be a good idea. I really don’t believe that you’ve done anything beyond repair, but I also think that Natalia needs to hear it from you. She thinks you’re Wonder Woman or something, that you’re this great new adult sister who she should try to emulate. That’s what Dr. Laura said, anyway. I’m not trying to stress you out, but it’ll mean more than hearing it from me. Aunt Kathy called me and said Natalia is stealing money to take a cab to come see you right now. You need to set her straight. Whether that means being nasty, it’s up to you.” I knew he was right, but I still didn’t like it, and I rubbed my chest absently as the last few days caught up with me. At least I wasn’t drugged up anymore and could think clearly— not that I had anything good to think about. “However you want to do it, I’ll support you, you know that.”
“How’s she doing, your aunt?” Erik sat back in the chair with a jerk of his head, somewhere between a nod and a shake, and I frowned as I ran my hand through my hair. “Is she mad at me?”
“I think she’s just really embarrassed. After a while, everyone got used to him, but Mike, Donald, whatever, even if he was spotless, he’d never get everyone’s approval. The dude’s a paper pushing desk jockey, and we have expectations.” The way he said it made me laugh, a hoarse, crass sound, but a laugh nonetheless, and I shook my head a little as Erik smiled. “She’s not mad at you, just frazzled. Although, I’m sure you share the same notion of only seeing each other when you need to.”
“Definitely. I just want to disappear.” Covering my face with my hands, I heaved a massive, shaky inhale, and my sternum popped as I rubbed my cheeks. “Carlyle really pulled a leg for me. I wish I had a chance to thank him before he left.”
“I don’t think he did it for you, but he wanted to stay and see you off. He said something about his little brother fucking up another deal as he was storming off.” Yeah, Carlyle’s brothers were a little before my time, and I hadn’t met the youngest of the three. From the stories, he was a spoiled brat, so maybe that was a god thing. “You’re avoiding the issue again, Natasha.”
“I’m aware. She’s on her way, anyway. I’ll deal with it then.” Waving him off, I sat up to blow out a calming breath, and Erik’s smile widened even as he rolled his eyes. “They said my heart was better this time. That if I can reduce my stress and emotional distress, everything should be fine. I mean, I’m not even twenty-seven yet, so . . . ”
“We’re gonna work on that. Dr. Laura agreed with me that environment was a ‘considerable contributing factor’, which was pretty validating, and it also . . . I printed this out.” Producing a folded-up paper from his pocket, Erik’s smile morphed into a grin when I snatched it, and excitement bubbled up in my chest. The Google Maps map of the U.S. had been defaced with pen, and my brows rose in surprise as I scanned the dots littering the page. “They’re the most visited cities from this travel website. I picked the ones with the best food. They’re the red dots. All the other ones are just filler.”
“They’re all red dots, you dummy. Was that the only criteria? The number of four-star restaurants?”
“What, you want a whole presentation? Do you know how hard it was to convince someone to let me use their precious printer? Huh?” Giggling as Erik grabbed the page and stuffed it into his pocket, I shook my head, and his gaze tenderized. “You’ve never laughed in front of me. It’s pretty.”
My eyes widened, and I clamped my mouth shut as the sides dragged down. The somber confession tore apart my mind, trying to find a single instance to prove Erik wrong . . . but . . .
“I haven’t been the best person, have I?” He shook his head, in denial or agreement, I didn’t know, and I inhaled a shallow breath to hold it. “Do you think I should do the inpatient therapy?”
“I think you should do some kind of therapy. I think that the more you talk about it, the better you’ll be able to work through it. And I think repeating your story will help more than feeling like you’ve already said it, so you should say something else.” Humming softly in acknowledgment, I stared down at my palms as Erik’s suggestions floated through my head. Who knew what might happen if I worked through things piece of piece, part by part? Maybe, it’d shed new light on things I ignored, things that were important that I never considered. Maybe, it’d make it easier with the next part. “Plus, talking to different survivors once or twice a week, it’s a lot different than talking to a psychologist, which Dr. Laura mentioned that calling her every day was a condition of your release. You’ll have the best of both worlds. That’s how I see it, at least.”
“Mmm. How come you have better ideas about my mental health than I do?” Sniffling as I smiled at him, I twiddled my thumbs and sucked my teeth as I sighed, and that unmistakable hospital smell wafted up my nose. “I don’t know. I have to spend another couple hours here, but I really need to eat some real food.”
“We’ll get there when we get there, Natasha. One minute at a time.” I only nodded at that, and the conversation came to an end to seat us in a contemplative silence. Road-tripping around the country? Now, I thought I’d agreed to it just to get away from that suffocating place. The notion still appealed to me, but it seemed very . . . distracted? Like we were going somewhere with no destination and only a faint sense of the journey.
“It’s okay. One minute at a time, right?” Erik nodded, and I tensed at the sudden, soft knock on the door. Casting him a nervous look, I gnawed on my lower lip as panic slammed into my chest. Goosebumps washed my arms and legs, and he stood to open the door and reveal Natalia standing beyond. She smiled brightly, and I crossed my arms tightly over my chest.
Is being nasty good or bad in this situation? Ugh, this sucked, and she hadn’t even walked through the threshold.
“Natalia, why are you here?” The coldness in my tone shocked even me, and Natalia’s whole face froze as she stood in the doorway. “Stop coming here. I don’t want you to steal and lie to come see me. I don’t want you to see me at all. Understand?”
Was that what Valerie thinks of me? My eyelid twitched at the notion, but I ignored it to focus on the girl in front of me. Natalia wasn’t Valerie, and Valerie wasn’t standing in front of me.
“Go home, Natalia. Don’t come back.” Just get it over with. Like a band-aid. It’ll only hurt for a second. Repeating the mantra over and over again, I stared levelly at Natalia as she blubbered a sob and ran off. Erik nodded at me before disappearing after her, and I exhaled a shallow, shuddering breath and ducked my head. “Shit.”
“That must’ve been difficult for you, Natasha.” Glancing up at Dr. Laura as she gently shut the door, I shrugged absently as my cheek twitched in agitation.
“I only care about her in the capacity that I feel bad she has a lying bastard of a father that we happen to share. I don’t want her in my life, and I don’t want to be in her life. The only thing that’s difficult about it is . . . ” Trailing off as I ran out of words, I bopped my head and raised my hands in defeat. “I don’t even know why it’s difficult. It just is. Valerie doesn’t believe anything about anything involving me. I get why, having a heart attack at twenty-six, but . . . ”
“She’s angry with you for lying to her about the . . . advanced state of your condition.” Blowing out my cheeks, I ducked my head in a nod, and Dr. Laura took Erik’s seat to cross her knees.
“I suppose she’s entitled to it. I betrayed her trust. We’re not as close as she thought. Blah . . . blah . . . blah. Frankly, she never actually told me why or what or anything, so I don’t even know what she’s feeling. You know, I spent so many years trying to make her stand up on her own, make her . . . make her have substance.How bitter can I really be that she�
��s doing what I always told her, ‘don’t trust anyone’.”
“Do you wish you’d said that to Valerie instead of Natalia?” I rolled my lips between my teeth at that probe, and my brows furrowed as I nodded again. “You know, you’re going to be here for another few hours, Natasha. Why don’t you write a letter and put it in the mail? If she reads it or not isn’t something you can control, but you can take comfort in knowing that you did all you could do.”
“You think it’d help not knowing if she read it?” Cupping her knees, Dr. Laura sat back and nodded, but I could see that she was about to ask me another question.
“Do you think it’d help knowing you wrote it?” Ah, that was the clincher, and I sniffed before my phone gave a shrill ping for attention. Snatching it off the table, I scanned Erik’s text, and a small smile crested my cheeks.
“He got her in the car and is taking her back.”
“Well, as harsh as you were, Natasha, I don’t think it was excessive. With that, I’ll leave you to write your letter.” Dr. Laura stood up, and I flexed my fingers absently as I contemplated a letter.
God, it must’ve been over a decade since I handwrote anything.
40
Natasha
Staring at the big, red sign scrawled on the front of the building, the block letters sent a shiver lodging between my shoulder blades. Frowning at my own inability to move my feet, I crossed my arms tightly over my chest as I stared . . . and stared. I didn’t think, just . . . stared.
“Brings back memories?” Erik came up next to me, and I cleared my throat roughly as I jerked my head in a nod. “Do you need a minute?”
“You’d never think a CVS could be actually kinda important.” Fingering the envelope under my elbow, I cocked my head back as Erik hummed softly. Nibbling my lower lip, I scrunched up my nose as I rocked back on my heels. “I mean, I need these meds, apparently, and I need to stick this in the mailbox, which is right there.”