by Hannah Bent
My fire is burning in my eyes and I can’t understand why because I have never felt this way at Louis before.
‘I will not die! I will not die! I will not die!’
Anger, anger, like hot and spicy Sì chuān chicken exploding in my mouth, like summer sun blazing on my head, like stamping feet and jumping music, like a sore throat, like the sound of thunder stuck in the sea, like everything lost.
Like Mum in her box in the ground.
The beeping around me becomes so fast it is ringing in my ears beep beep beep.
The door opens and two nurses rush in. One takes Louis outside. Another speaks softly to me but I cannot hear what she is saying because my heart is like the sound of drums in my ears, and everything is fast around me. She takes my hand and puts an injection into the tube there. After a few seconds, the beeping slows down and becomes like a soft tiptoe. My room is lazy and blurry and I feel like I am swimming in the air.
Marlowe
Two days later, Uncle Johnny and I met in the lobby of the Wing Fat Building, a small and dingy office block in Wan Chai.
‘Thank you for coming.’
Uncle Johnny was fidgeting with a loose thread on the sleeve of his leather jacket.
‘No need to thank me,’ he replied, glancing over his shoulder.
The elevator was old school, with a spring wire gate for a door. I pressed the button for the ninth floor and held on to a railing as the rickety lift rose upwards. Uncle Johnny fingered the button on his jacket nervously. I had never seen him like this before. He’d seemed so calm when we rang Mr Zhāng a few days earlier.
The doors opened. Worn navy carpet lined the corridor. We walked to room 101 and knocked on the door. A man with slicked-back hair and a toothpick in his mouth opened it. Uncle Johnny said something to him in Cantonese. The man nodded and we entered. The room was empty but for three collapsible chairs in the centre and a suitcase.
The man gestured to the chairs and we sat. I clutched Harper’s medical records in my sweaty hands as Uncle Johnny and the broker conversed in Cantonese, Uncle Johnny with an American accent and the broker with a thick Shanghainese accent, words emerging from the back of his throat and spilling over one another like choppy waves.
Uncle Johnny turned to me. ‘Mr Zhāng says that it’s better if the transplant can be done in November or December.’
I felt the air leave my lungs. ‘That’s ages away! We don’t have that long.’
‘I know.’ Uncle Johnny spoke to Mr Zhāng again. After several long minutes he spoke in English, ‘He said you should take Harper to China and wait for the organs there.’
‘How long will it take?’
‘He says if she can get to Shanghai soon, it will only be a matter of days.’
I wanted to jump from my chair and hug Mr Zhāng.
‘Marlowe,’ Uncle Johnny said, ‘I have to say this all sounds a little –’
But I didn’t let him finish. ‘Tell him we’ll do it,’ I said.
Mr Zhāng asked for Harper’s medical records, then told Uncle Johnny she would need to have a pre-transplant blood test and an immunological evaluation in China. A cash deposit of US$35,000 had to be paid within twenty-four hours. The remaining $30,000 would be payable once the surgery was scheduled. There might also be smaller fees once we arrived in China, Mr Zhāng warned.
Uncle Johnny looked at me, brow creased, eyes filled with concern. ‘That’s a lot of money, Marlowe. Are you sure about this?’
‘Yes.’ I glared at him and he took a step back, his eyes searching mine. ‘Yes,’ I repeated in a softer tone. My stomach tightened. I imagined Olly beside me, taking my hand and telling me everything would be okay, that I was not alone.
But I was alone. Uncle Johnny and Bì Yù were only helping reluctantly, and Dad and Wài Pó were against the idea. If Olly were here, would he really say that everything would be okay? Stop, I told myself. I had to stop thinking like this. It wouldn’t help me in any way.
Uncle Johnny and I left the room and made our way out of the building. It took me a minute to adjust to the light.
‘Marlowe?’ Uncle Johnny turned to face me. His expression had changed. His eyes were quieter now. ‘Promise me, no matter what, you’ll stay in touch?’
I nodded and found myself exhaling deeply.
‘Thank you for helping me.’
As I watched him walk away, I was aware once more of my aloneness, but this time, it felt different.
I looked at my watch. I didn’t have long to set things in motion. At the bank, I took out Mr Zhāng’s deposit and organised a transfer to Bì Yù’s account. I was told it would take one to two days to go through. My heart raced. That was cutting it fine. I then made it to the travel agent, with only fifteen minutes left before she closed. I felt a tightening in my belly as I paid for our flights. Those pesky thoughts returned: Was I doing the right thing? There would be no turning back now. Yet something was driving me, something deep, primal. Like a serpent in one of Harper’s stories, it had curled itself in my belly and no amount of logic could override it.
Harper
Louis has not come to visit me today. Maybe he is still a bit upset in his heart with me after what happened yesterday with my anger. We have our engagement party soon and I think it is not good to start an engagement with bad feeling, so I take out my pen and paper and write him a small note:
To my sweet Louis,
I am sory.
I am sory that I was angry and that I hurt your feelings.
Plees forgiv me.
That is all.
From
Harper明华Míng Huà Eve
I put a very important URGENT word on the envelope and will ask my dad to give this to Louis as fast as he can.
There is a knock at my door. It is the lady who brings us food. Her name is ‘Angel Chow’. I think it is strange that she is an angel because her food tastes like cardboard and looks like poo. But I do not tell her this personal private information.
She leaves the room and I push her food to one side. I use my mind to think about all my favourite foods:
Oodles of udon noodles
Baskets of egg tarts
Spring rolls, handmade by Wài Pó with love
Steamed chicken with ginger and spring onion sauce
Hawaiian pizza
Chocolate cake
Red bean soup.
Now, I see myself with Louis in the kitchen. The table is set for two with a candle in the middle. Our first course is the spring rolls. We have one plate each. I dip the fried roll into sweet chilli sauce and take a crunchy bite.
YUMMMMM.
Louis and me smile and cheers with cans of Coke. We are not shy as we feed each other spoonsful of steamed chicken and rice, slices of Hawaiian pizza and we even share one long noodle, sucking on it until our lips touch. The walls are whispering to one another as we kiss. We finish the hot and spicy udon noodle soup – hot and spicy hot and spicy hot and spicy – and then have one egg tart.
Dessert. Louis looks into my eyes and gives me a slice of warm chocolate cake topped with custard and a little vanilla ice cream. His eyes are sparkling.
We cross arms and give each other red bean soup. It is warm and sweet.
The taste of ginger and cane sugar are still on my tongue a long time after I finish eating.
Even though I am not allowed to have these foods right now because the doctor says they are not good for my heart, I can still eat them in my eyes-wide-open dream, shared with Louis, with love.
Marlowe
The sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. As the elevator rose through the hospital, I kept thinking of the kneeling prisoner.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi… I wouldn’t let myself go there, not today. Even though Harper had to have her engagement party in hospital, I wanted it to be special. I had to focus on enjoying myself, for Harper’s sake.
As the doors opened onto her ward, it took me a moment to adjust to the vibrant sound of Bob Marley
’s ‘Three Little Birds’. Silver balloons were tied to the handle of Harper’s door. Bouquets of red roses filled the corners of her room with colour. At the foot of her bed was a table covered with packets of crisps and chocolates, a CD player and a large photo of Harper and Louis holding hands.
‘We’ll have the bridal suite for two people, please. Two people in love.’
Louis, who was wearing a light blue suit, stood with his back to me, clutching the telephone by Harper’s bed.
‘Yes, I will pay with a credit card, but I need to know that you will put roses and chocolates in the room for us because that is a very special thing to do.’
‘Louis, what’re you doing?’
He immediately hung up the phone and turned to face me. I watched as he casually slid a credit card into his pocket.
‘Oh hello, Marlowe. And how are you this fine afternoon?’
I asked him again what he was doing and his cheeks turned red as he told me it was something private. I was reminded of the time a few years ago when Wài Pó had banned Harper from drinking Coke to cut down on her sugar intake. Louis had snuck into the house with a backpack full of cans of Coke and gummy bears.
Harper emerged from the bathroom. Although she was still in her hospital gown, she was wearing make-up, a beaded necklace and a yellow flower in her hair. For a second, it was as if she was no longer sick. It took me a few long seconds to compose myself.
‘My goodness, you’re a stunning lady.’ Louis kissed her on the cheek.
‘Marlowe, I’m so glad you are here,’ said Harper, ‘but you are early.’
I helped her back into bed. Her nose twitched as she pushed her glasses back into place.
‘I came to help you set up,’ I said, ‘but it looks like you have it covered.’
‘After we get engaged this evening, we are going to go to the Mandarin Oriental hotel,’ she told me.
I could have told her that the doctor probably wouldn’t discharge her tonight, and that the likelihood of her going to a hotel would be slim, but I decided not to be a spoilsport.
Louis looked at a watch on his wrist and told me their friends would be arriving soon.
‘Whose credit card were you using to pay for the hotel?’ I couldn’t help but ask.
He glanced at Harper. ‘I didn’t do a bad thing, you know. I just had to borrow it from my dad. I don’t think he will mind.’
I ducked my head to hide my smile.
‘Hello!’
I turned. Adam, Harper’s friend from the vocational centre, was standing in the doorway. He was dressed in a Star Wars shirt, red tie and jeans, and moved with the help of a walking frame.
‘Adam!’ Harper held out her arms and gave him a hug.
‘You look as beautiful as ever,’ Adam said.
‘Where is everyone else?’ Harper asked.
‘They went to buy you a cake and some Coke.’
My sister always had so many friends. Friends who loved her.
‘Wah!’ Wài Pó entered, carrying a flask and a plate of egg tarts. ‘You’ve transformed this room. How beautiful.’
When I’d left the house, Wài Pó was still asleep in her room. There was no way she could have whipped up a dozen egg tarts in the time I had been gone. As Louis grabbed the plate from her and helped himself to one, I looked at the foil casing and saw the sticker of a famous Hong Kong baker on the side. Wài Pó had always refused to buy egg tarts from a store. They were her specialty, so much so that she had told me once that she’d rather be hit by a bus than eat tarts from a commercial baker.
‘God only knows what junk they put into them to make them look more yellow and creamy, to make them tastier. No, mine are the real deal.’
‘It’s only egg tarts,’ I told myself. There was no need to get upset.
But I was.
Wài Pó walked over and patted my arm. ‘Look at your sister.’ She gestured to Harper. ‘She’s happy.’
My sister was happy, very happy, and she deserved to stay that way.
The sounds of chatter trickled in from the hall, and a group of people in colourful clothes entered the room. Harper’s friends had arrived.
‘I’m so happy you all made it here to be with me on my special day,’ she announced, before breaking into a coughing fit.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dad enter with Louis’s parents, Deborah and Michael. They seemed very cheerful, which only accentuated Dad’s moroseness.
‘The parents are here.’ Harper waved. ‘Everyone, please meet Louis’s very friendly, happy-like-the-sun mum and dad, Deborah and Michael, and my very handsome, charming dad.’ The group rushed to them as if they were movie stars.
Dad cleared his throat. ‘Irene’s sorry she can’t make it today.’ His eyes darted about the room. ‘Got held up.’
‘Yesssss!’ In an uncanny fit of energy, Harper thrust her arm into the air.
I wanted to do the same, but then I saw Dad’s face harden, his head bow.
‘I would like you all to please make a circle around Harper’s bed.’ Louis signalled to Adam to hit the music. The Lion King began to play.
‘Crap, Adam, that’s the wrong song!’ Louis shouted.
Adam flicked through the tracks until he found Whitney Houston’s ‘I Believe in You and Me’.
‘Thank you all for coming.’ Louis adjusted the red rose in his left lapel. ‘I want to share with you all a very special moment in time.’ He took a ring case out of his jacket and dropped to one knee.
My cheeks were aching. I hadn’t smiled this much in so long.
‘I can’t see you,’ Harper called from her bed.
Louis got up, opened the case, and took out a yellow sapphire ring.
Wài Pó moved closer to me and whispered, ‘Where did he get that from? That is certainly not cheap.’
‘Harper Míng Huà Eve, I love you from the bottom of my heart. Before I met you, I had a feeling like I did not belong, but now, with you, I feel like I do. You make me sparkle.’ Louis’s chin quivered. ‘You are the most beautiful girl in the whole world, and now I want to ask you to be my Juliet.’
My eyes began to sting. I looked away. Why was I getting so emotional? Normally I hated sentimental talk. Not that I wanted to get married, but if Olly were to propose to me, or I to him, it certainly wouldn’t be done like this. And yet, my body was expressing something different. My body was, in this moment, with Harper and Louis, living this with them.
‘Yes, of course I will be your Juliet!’ Harper’s glasses slipped down the bridge of her nose. With one hand, she pushed them back up, while she held the other hand out for Louis. He gently uncurled her IV drip and placed the ring on her finger. They shared a passionate kiss. Everyone clapped and cheered.
For the first time, I wondered what it would feel like to have a ring on my finger. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to call Olly and tell him everything. It was ridiculous that I was keeping my plans secret from him. I had to call him as soon as I got home. I let myself imagine him here with me, his arms wrapped around me.
‘Congratulations. I’m so happy for you both.’ Dad embraced Harper. He was smiling proudly.
Would I ever be able to make him this proud?
Harper raised her hand. ‘Look, my ring shines in the light.’ She held it to the lamp at her bedside. Yellow fragments bounced against the shadowy parts of the walls. ‘Maybe there are fairies in the room.’
I moved over to stroke her forehead. Her skin was moist with sweat and her breathing seemed laboured. Maybe I should summon a nurse to check that everything was okay? I wondered if Anita was working today.
Anita.
If I could talk to Anita myself, she would reassure me that I was doing the right thing for Harper.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I kissed Harper and said I needed to get more Cokes but I would be back soon.
Slipping from the room, I walked down the corridor to the nurses’ station and asked the woman there if she knew where Anita was.
/> ‘She’s around here somewhere,’ the woman said vaguely. ‘I saw her a few minutes ago.’
‘Thanks. I’ll try to catch her later.’
Reluctant to interrupt Anita on her rounds, I kept walking down the corridor until I reached the hospital chapel. I pushed the door open and stepped inside.
The scent of burning wicks hung lightly in the air. I took a seat in a pew. Although I wasn’t religious, my eyes were drawn to a statue of Mary holding baby Jesus at the front of the room. Mary gazed lovingly at the baby in her arms. He rested his chubby little hand on her chest. And suddenly, it was as if I could feel her heartbeat.
‘Marlowe.’ A hand touched me lightly on the shoulder. It was Anita. She slid into the pew. ‘You were looking for me?’
We sat for a while in silence as I tried to find my words. Although I had decided this was the course of action I needed to take to save Harper’s life, as much as I tried to avoid it, I kept thinking of the prisoner kneeling.
‘How can I do this and still sleep at night? How can I give my sister a heart in this way?’
‘Try not to feel so bad,’ she said. ‘These people have a chance to undo their wrongs by saving another life.’ She put her hand on my shoulder and I felt a deep warmth stir in my chest. I slowed my breath and silently counted from one to ten again.
‘Harper can either live or die. You have a chance to save her now. Just remember that.’
I looked back at the statue. My thoughts were scrambled for a minute or two until I slowly realised it wasn’t Anita I had been looking for.
I watched as a candle that had burned down to its wick slowly extinguished. Yellow flame turned to grey and smoke wafted through the air. I let the curling shapes take me back.
The North Point Funeral Parlour had been filled with elaborate wreaths of white flowers. It was as if Mum had just won a prize.
An altar had been arranged at the far end of the room. A large photo of Mum was displayed on a stand – she looked youthful and was smiling. Below this were small vases of flowers and burning incense. Guests lined up, bowing three times at her altar and then at my father who stood with Aunt Lĭ Nà and Uncle Bĭng Wén, all bowing back. Wài Pó could not attend. She was at home, locked in her room. Before we left the house, I asked Dad why and he said she was sick. But when we got to the funeral parlour and I asked one of her friends, she explained that: ‘It is very sad to have white hair seeing black hair off. Your Wài Pó cannot be expected to attend such an unnatural and painful event.’