by Parker Wren
He looked at me with those eyes. Really looked at me. He shifted, and then I couldn’t see his eyes as well anymore. I could only stare at his lips, his full lips, soft and pink and inviting.
“It means I did not see that coming at all,” he said, his voice neutral. He didn’t approach me, but he didn’t back away either. He just started pacing. His hands were resting in his jean pockets. He looked so good in those jeans.
“Jesus,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “You have no idea that I’m attracted to you? You really know how to make a girl feel shitty about that confession.”
“How so?” he asked. I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“I mean, I know you can’t say much, but a girl tells you she’s attracted to you, and I get… silence.”
He backed away, putting his hands behind his head.
“Air,” he sighed.
“Don’t call me that!” I said, agitated. “You can’t get to call me that! You don’t get to have a connection with me and then… nothing.”
“Look,” Grayson said, coming up to me now and gently taking my shoulders with his hands, his eyes testing mine. “You want me to say something in return? Fine… you are… objectively attractive. You know that.”
I pulled away from him, shaking my head, tears starting to form. “That’s not the same thing.”
Grayson looked at me again then, in my eyes, and I thought they might melt me on the spot. “You’re with someone.”
I shook my head for what felt like ages. “No,” I said, “I mean, yes, but… no.”
I couldn’t expose Dom. I wanted nothing more than to tell Grayson the truth, but I couldn’t. Not yet
But the sting wasn’t over. “Look, Ariel… I had been involved with someone, very off and on,” Grayson said. “It used to be serious, but not anymore. We’ve been long distance for a long time. She’s finally in New York next weekend. I just… I have to figure out things with her. It has nothing to do with you.”
The balloon of any ego I had officially burst wide open. If feeling foolish had an expression, then my face was covered in it. Then another foolish thing came out of my mouth.
“You lied to Brit,” I said. “When she asked you about dating someone else.”
Grayson sighed again. “It was none of her business.”
“I have to go,” I said.
“Wait, Ariel,” Grayson said. “Let me at least get you a cab ride home. You’re been drinking. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“Oh, save the chivalrous bullshit,” I said. “I’m fine. I’ll see you later. I’m sorry I ever said anything.”
I was being a jerk—a supreme jerk—and I knew it.
He was right though. I needed a cab. I made him order two—one for me and one for him—and I gave him extra cash to cover his. He tried to refuse the cash, but with the look I was giving him, he knew he was in no position to fight with me over that issue.
I waited until I was in the cab to sob tears of self-pity. How could I tell him that when I was with him that it felt like home? That he was the first person I could talk to—really talk to—and feel like he could see me. And at the same time, when I was with him, I didn’t feel completely and utterly alone .
But he didn’t feel the same way.
And somehow, it was also painfully wonderful how much of a good guy he was—that he wasn’t willing to entertain any ideas with a girl who he thought was taken, particularly when he wasn’t even sure of his own relationship status.
It didn’t help my shame, but—well—at least I didn’t waste these feelings on a bad guy.
A guy I couldn’t have since he would never be able to forgive me for what I was doing here.
Get it together, Ariel, I told myself. Get. It. Together.
----
When I got home, Dom was awake and in bed, watching a video. He appeared to be somewhat soberer than when I had left him.
“Hey,” he said as walked in; I was wearing my flip flops by this point with my head hung. I was determined to get into my pajamas and never breathe a word about what had happened with Grayson. I imagined burying that memory in the ground and piling dirt on top of it.
“Hey,” I said curtly. As usual, I didn’t get undressed in front of Dom. Instead, I grabbed my pajamas and walked over to the bathroom.
When I came out, Dom was sitting in my bed, clad just in his boxer shorts.
“Get up,” I said rudely. I didn’t want to talk to another human being tonight.
“Why do you have to be like that?” Dom moaned. He got off of my bed, but still stood by it.
I reluctantly came over and put my things by my bed stand.
“I just want to go to bed,” I said.
“But I’ve missed you,” Dom said. He came in to kiss me, his mouth open and wet.
I pushed him away. “Dom, no.”
He blinked at me. “Why?”
Exasperated, I sat back on my bed. “I don’t want to do this right now.”
“Why not?” Dom asked.
He wasn’t going to leave this alone, so I let the words spit out.
“Because you’re drunk,” I said. “And I don’t want to do this anymore with you anyway. We’re not in a relationship, and it’s making things confusing and complicated. Okay?”
“Confusing and complicated to whom?” Dom asked. He seemed somewhat angry, but I never felt that Dom was capable of getting really angry. It was as if he felt he had to feign some level of rage when, really, all I saw were sad, blood-shot eyes.
“To us,” I said, my tone softening. “To me. I really want us to go back to being friends. If it’s at all possible.”
Dom lay on his bed and pulled his hands over his face, down his eyelids and cheek. He gave a sarcastic laugh.
“After everything we’ve done together, with me having to pretend to be your boyfriend, now you’re saying we shouldn’t?”
“Yes,” I whispered. I crawled into bed and faced the wall.
After a few moments, I got out of bed and went to sit next to Dom in his. I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead. “Let’s talk about this more tomorrow, okay?” I said, before crawling back into my own sheets.
CHAPTER 20
I woke up slowly, letting the feeling of the hangover enter my consciousness. My head pounded. Suddenly, I remembered everything else about the night prior. I pulled the bed covers up over my head and wished it all away.
I tried to fall back asleep; instead, my mind replayed everything that had happened, to include everything I had said to Grayson and to Dom. The last thing I wanted to do was to go downstairs and face both of them. At the same time, I needed to. I needed to let the sight of Grayson twist like a knife into my side. I needed to feel anguish. To regret my actions.
I also needed to talk to Dom.
I took my time getting dressed. I put on a bathing suit, pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt, and then gulped a giant glass of water with three ibuprofen. My skin was looking especially red, and I couldn’t seem to scrub last night’s eyeliner from under my eyes.
As I entered the kitchen, I could feel four separate sets of eyes on me. Typical, I thought. Why did everyone have to be sitting around the kitchen table this morning of all mornings?
“Morning,” I mumbled as I went to get my coffee.
“Rough night, Ariel?” Henry asked jovially. At least he and Brit didn’t know how spectacularly poorly the night had gone.
“Yeah. I’m getting too old to keep up these days,” I said with a half smile.
Grayson wasn’t looking at me; he seemed focused on his bacon and toast. Dom, though, surprised me with a smile.
“Well, you are in better shape than me,” he said. “I don’t even remember half of last night.”
“Yeah, thanks, buzzkill,” Brit said to Dom. “We had to come home early because of you.” She turned to me. “Did you and Grayson have fun after we left, Ariel?”
Brit seemed to put just a little bit too much emphasis on “fun,” but I couldn’t be sure if
she was implying something with her question.
“We left soon after you guys did,” I said, finding myself somewhat defensive.
“Ariel was kind enough to let me get all of my bad dancing out of my system,” Grayson said. I doubted that he had mentioned our discussion to anyone or that we took two separate cabs home. “Sadly, the rest of you didn’t miss much.”
“You’re going home next weekend, aren’t you, Gray?” Brit asked.
“Yeah,” Grayson replied, fiddling with his napkin. “Just for a few days.”
I tried to stifle the dropping feeling in my stomach, knowing that he was going to be seeing that girl. A girl he used to be serious about and might still want to be with.
“Hey Ariel,” Dom said. “Once you’re done eating, can I borrow you for a minute?”
“Sure,” I said, thankful for the opportunity to get out of the kitchen. “I’ll eat later.”
We walked down to the beach and sat a few yards away from the highest point at which the waves licked the sand. We were quiet for a few moments.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Dom finally said.
I looked at him. “I feel like the one who should apologize,” I said, turning my gaze back to the water. I made small circles in the sand with my toes. “I wasn’t very nice to you when I got home.”
Dom shrugged. “I don’t remember much of that, to be honest,” he said. “I just know that I had too much to drink and left you at the bar. I was a bad fake boyfriend. And I shouldn’t have come onto you like that once you got home.”
“It’s not like you forced yourself on me or something,” I said. As I got to know Dom better, I started to realize how much he cared about what other people thought of him—but not necessarily in a self-centered way; rather, he didn’t want anyone to ever feel put out or hurt by his actions.
“I guess,” he said. “I just feel like things are now… weird.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Look, I’m not saying this as a way to manipulate you into something you don’t want or anything,” he said. “Seriously, I’m not. It’s just a weird situation. I guess I thought we had a thing going, but then you’ve been a bit cold with me, well that’s how it feels anyway, and—“
“And you’ve never had a fake relationship before?” I said teasingly.
Dom smiled. I liked making him smile.
“Well, exactly,” he said.
I dug my toes further into the sand. “Yeah, it is weird,” I said. “I mean, I am—was—fine with us being friends with benefits. But it just feels too complicated. And to be honest, I guess I…”
“What?” he pressed.
I paused, unsure of what to share with him. However, he was the only person here that I could be truly honest with.
I let it spill out before overthinking it. “I guess I just have feelings for someone else, and it’s stupid and silly, but combined with the guilt I feel over this whole thing we are doing, I feel even worse hooking up with you…”
“You’re talking about Grayson, right?” Dom said with no emotion in his voice. He leaned his forearms against his knees.
I looked down, feeling ashamed. “Is it that obvious?”
He shrugged. “There’s nothing to feel bad about,” he said. “It is what it is.”
We didn’t talk about it again for a few minutes. Finally, I brought up the obvious.
“We need to go through Henry’s computer files soon,” I said. “We still haven’t had a chance to look at them.”
Dom stood and brushed the sand off his hands. “Let’s wait just another day and stall,” he said. “I texted Manuel this morning and told him we are still working on the files. What’s the rush?”
I shrugged. “I suppose.” I was fine without having to think about any of it for a little while. Dom reached his hand out to me and helped me up. We walked side by side, back to the house. We tried to make small talk and bring back the casual dynamic that we had been missing for the past couple of days.
Fortunately, the kitchen was now empty. I made eggs and devoured them, too impatient to wait for them to cool. Dom laughed at the ridiculous facial expressions I made as I burnt my mouth. I spent the rest of the day lounging on the beach and reading. Brit joined me for a couple of hours that evening before leaving for a date with Henry.
Given that Dom, Grayson, and I were now aware of my weird dynamic with Grayson—all created by my own doing, of course—it wasn’t surprising that Grayson stayed clear of me and Dom. I felt guilty, worried that he felt uncomfortable around us, but also somewhat relieved. Grayson said he had things to do in town and was conveniently gone for dinner.
For dinner, Dom and I sat in the living room, slurped Chinese food, and watched an action movie.
“How does that even make sense?” I asked after one scene where the hero seemed to jump about fifty feet to another building. “Are we watching some secret version of Spiderman?”
“Stop questioning everything and just enjoy the movie, woman!” Dom said, his eyes fixated on the screen.
“Don’t call me woman!” I said with exaggerated anger and threw a pillow at Dom’s face.
“My chow mein! No one makes me spill my chow mein!”
I did a half laugh, which sounded more like a gurgle, which made us both break down in giggles.
After dinner, we chatted in the living room. Dom told me more about his upbringing. Even though he didn’t say it, I got the impression that he never felt like he was good enough. He talked about his older sisters—how accomplished they were—but how his mother and father were tough on all of them. As a child, Dom couldn’t wait to grow up and be on his own. Even though he knew it wasn’t quite rational, he somewhat resented his sisters for being able to be out of the house while he was stuck at home.
It was past ten p. m, and I noticed that Grayson was still gone. I felt a lump in the back of my throat, as if I were the cause of any discord in the house, that I had fatally screwed up my friendship with him. I was glad that Dom didn’t seem to be too bothered about Grayson. He hadn’t brought him up, and neither had I.
“Should we go up to bed then?” Dom asked, noticing my constant yawn.
“Sure,” I said.
I knew us going up to the bedroom at the same time was a bad idea and contradict edeverything else I had said to Dom over the past few days, but I had never been immune to doing something questionable. Still, I wasn’t sure why, exactly, I went down this path. I was feeling lonely in an annoying, rejected way. I was feeling attracted to Dom in that moment. I wanted to give some kind of internal middle finger to Grayson and prove to myself that I didn’t have feelings for him. And I was probably just horny to make matters worse. Whatever the reason, it wasn’t long after we shut the door to the bedroom that we pulled each other’s clothes off. We kissed each other aggressively, impatiently, knowing that whatever connection we had, it wasn’t something clean or romantic or destined for a good ending. We just did what felt good in that moment.
The entire time, I kept my ears alert for the front door to open. Fortunately, there was a security system that would beep whenever someone came in; still, I didn’t want to get too wrapped up in Dom that Grayson heard us.
Dom groaned as he pushed me up against the wall, grabbing my hips tightly against his.
“Shh,” I said, placing a finger over his mouth. He nodded, understanding.
He was strong and aggressive, yet tender with me. I didn’t have any boundaries anymore with him. I wanted all of it. And I enjoyed it. Yet, we were quiet, so quiet that I could hear cars passing by on the street.
Afterwards, we both collapsed on the floor, out of breath. I closed my eyes and stared at the ceiling. To my surprise, Dom leaned over me and kissed me deeply before pulling me into his chest. I looked up and smiled at him.
“What?” he said defensively. “I like to cuddle after. Are you that surprised?”
“It’s great,” I said, feeling like I was on the cusp of falling into a deep sleep.
“It’s great.” As I drifted off to sleep, I heard the front door beep.
CHAPTER 21
I woke up the next morning back in my bed. I didn’t remember how I got there, but Dom was also in his, lightly snoring.
I threw on my workout clothes and snuck out of the room, taking notice of Grayson’s bedroom door, which was still shut. I felt both incredibly relaxed and also searing with energy. I needed to go for a run.
When I got back, I was drenched in sweat. Brit and Henry were in the living room. There was a moment before they noticed me. Henry was stone-faced, staring at the wall, pulses of rage simmering underneath his skin. Brit had tears in her eyes.
“Hi, Ariel,” Henry said. And as if a switch had been flipped, his eyes and mouth shifted into a brand new person. He glanced over saw Brit’s red eyes; he knew that I had seen them too. “Brit and I were just headed out again for the day. It will probably be a two-day trip. Sorry to be leaving you so often—I have been called away for business, yet again.”
Brit’s arms were still crossed on the couch as she glared at Henry. Then, without saying a word, she got up and stormed to the bedroom, slamming the door shut.
“Is everything okay?” I asked Henry. He had always seemed like a nice guy, but you never really knew what went on inside a couple’s relationship. How bad was it?
Henry dismissed my question with a wave of his hand. “Oh, everything is fine,” he said. “We fight a lot, I guess you could say. We’re probably a little overdramatic. She’s just upset about me having to work. Thinks that I do too much.”
I knew that was a lie. As Brit had told me at the spa, she wants Henry to work, but she doesn’t want him to drop his side work with his dad or new consulting gig in the fall for his start-up company. I didn’t want to betray Brit’s trust, though, and I didn’t want to look too nosy by asking Henry the details.
“She could stay here with us,” I suggested. “While you’re gone.”
Henry smiled. “Oh no, she wants to come,” he said. “Keep a tight leash on me.”
I gave Henry a half-smile and bit my tongue. “Okay,” I said, “well, we’ll miss you guys.”
Just then, Dom came down the stairs, his shirt off and his eyes sleepy.