by Parker Wren
We rolled off the couch and collapsed on the floor, my head on his chest. We didn’t move.
“Um.” It was all he said.
I smiled and turned over, letting thick waves of hair curve around my forehead. “Is that the best you can do? ‘Um?’”
“I’m too tired for much else,” he said.
“I bet you’re not,” I said, then began kissing his neck.
“Jesus” was all he said before he sat up, rolled me onto my back, and started kissing my body again.
CHAPTER 39
We lay in the luxurious king bed together, limbs overlapping.
“You haven’t told me much about your past relationships,” Grayson said as he stroked my hair with his fingertips. I never wanted him to stop; I was convinced that having my hair played with was a better high than actual drugs.
I sighed. “I wish I had something exciting to share.”
Grayson raised his head from the pillow. “What, like it could be any less lame than my story? Lose virginity at age twenty and have a grand total of two serious relationships for most of my adult life. I’m pretty sure your romantic life had a lot more intrigue than mine.”
I smiled. “You could have dated so many girls if you wanted to,” I said.
He shrugged. “Doubtful. I’m not that confident. And I’m more of a serial monogamist, anyway.”
I shook my head. “You have absolutely no idea how handsome you are. But I kind of really like that about you. Please don’t ever figure out how hot you are.”
“Well, around you, considering how gorgeous you are, I don’t think I’ll ever not feel inadequate.”
“You flatter me,” I said. “But I’ll allow it.”
Grayson smiled again. “Okay, now spill.”
I groaned. “Really, it’s not that interesting. You know, it started off with typical teenage stuff. I thought every kiss and touch from a boy meant something. That he could be my
‘boyfriend.’ I was insecure, as many girls are, and I resented my dad a little bit for not teaching me the things a mom would… like wearing makeup or plucking my eyebrows or flirting with boys. I thought that if I just knew how to do that stuff, maybe I could be pretty. Finally, when I was sixteen, I met a boy who liked me and asked me out. I was in heaven. I thought, this is it—finally—then every touch, every intimate moment meant we were falling in love.”
“How did that go?” Grayson asked.
“Yeah, exactly,” I said. “He cheated on me with some other girl. Shortly after that, my dad died. And suddenly sex became a means to an end for me. In a sick, twisted way, I was glad my dad’s death freed me from feeling attached to anything. I could have it and feel nothing. I was in college and realized that I could find guys if I dressed a certain way and went to the right parties. It didn’t make me feel more attractive, but I enjoyed it. I loved the separateness I could feel. I could have sex and feel nothing. I felt numb. I thought I had reached some enlightened view of sex.
“But I’ve matured since then. Now sex is whatever I want it to be in the moment. I can be emotionally attached if I want to. I can choose how and when and with whom. But it kind of took me a while to get to having a healthy view of sex, so I haven’t had that many healthy relationships. One long-term relationship with a nice guy when I was in the Air Force, but we just weren’t compatible in the long-run.”
“How is sex with me?” Grayson asked, a sideways smile on his face.
I groaned. “You are just fishing for compliments, aren’t you?”
Grayson shrugged. “No shame in my game.”
“Well”—I ran my fingers along his bare arms—“I think you know how it is physically. And, emotionally, it scares me a little bit.”
Grayson remained still. “Why?” His eyes searched mine.
I couldn’t overshare, couldn’t tell him the deep way I had already fallen for him. So I told him what I could while still keeping a corner of my heart protected. “I’ve shared more with you than I ever have with anyone in my life. With you, everything feels—”
“Right,” Grayson said. “Everything feels right.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Where do we go from here?” Grayson finally asked. “Well, besides this.” He kissed my face.
I laughed. “Well, can we just hang out here this week? Until Brit and Henry get back this weekend. After that…”
“Yeah, I’m not sure if I want to be around them, frankly,” Grayson said. “I can get over what you did but… right now, I just feel more comfortable to not be around Henry and Brit when I’m with you.”
“I understand,” I said. “I have no interest in being here either while they are here.”
“Well,” Grayson suggested, “we still have about a month before we both have to go back to work full-time. We could try to be in the Vineyard for a few more weeks, whenever Henry and Brit aren’t. After that, you can come see me in New York, or I could see you in Virginia. We could figure out trips on the weekend and stuff…”
I felt a big grin stretch across my face. I realized that Grayson really wanted to make this work. To make us work. I was filled with pure happiness.
“Yes,” I said, “it sounds perfect.” We kissed again, and stayed awake long into the night.
CHAPTER 40
We had no plans the next day, so we slept in, both of us feeling too luxuriously lazy to get out of bed and get breakfast. I was finally fully woken by my phone buzzing. I wasn’t sure who it could be; I had called Aunt Sarah on Monday morning informing her not to expect me at her place for at least a few more days. I hadn’t talked to Monika in a while. Dom and I had texted a little bit over the past couple of days, but there had been no news in New York. He had asked if I was still in the Vineyard. I told him yes, and he hadn’t asked me any further questions.
I picked up my phone and saw that it was a text from Sarah. She had sent me three messages.
“Who is it?” Grayson asked, half asleep.
“It’s Sarah,” I said, rubbing sleep from my eyes. It took me a moment to focus before I read her text.
“Oh, shit!” I yelled, jumping out of bed.
“What is it?” Grayson asked sitting up in bed. His hair was sticking up in about 15 different directions. I briefly wondered how much work he had to do each morning to tame it.
“She’s sick,” I said. “She’s been having horrible back pain. She’s in the hospital. I have to go.”
“Then I have to go with you,” Grayson said, as I threw on my dress and began collecting my things.
It didn’t hesitate in accepting Grayson’s offer. This was our new normal now. Of course he would come with me to see Sarah.
I texted Sarah back quickly to tell her we were on our way and would be there later in the day.
We both packed silently, not sure when either of us would be returning to the house. We tried to clean as best we could, but I felt as though in the priorities between vacuuming and going to see my aunt, I had to leave as soon as possible. Besides, I assured myself, the cleaners would come on Friday as usual to clean the house.
Grayson tried to distract me as best he could on the drive to the ferry. We talked about places we wanted to visit, good books we had read, and how he ended up teaching high school math in the Bronx. He opened up to me about the difficulties of going to work every day—dealing with the kids, the administration—and the emotional exhaustion that he felt. But, he said, he loved it so much that it made it worth it.
“You are so unlike other people,” I told him as we drove off of the ferry onto mainland Massachusetts.
“In what way?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Just in the way you view life. Everything. You don’t care about money. In fact, I think you would rather not have any of it—it makes you uncomfortable. You tolerate it with Henry because he’s your friend.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Grayson agreed. “But I’m not sure that’s such a good thing. We all need money to live.”
“
Only so much of it,” I said, rolling down the window and looking out at the summer foliage.
I continued. “And you’re different in other ways too. You seem too good to be true.”
Grayson reached over and squeezed my arm. “I’m glad you think so,” he said, “but you haven’t seen all of my faults yet. Trust me, there are plenty.”
I smiled and turned to look at him, the wind snarling my hair. “Oh really? Like what?”
“Oh, I’m not going to give that to you,” he said. “You’re just going to have to discover them on your own. Like little treasures of turd, just waiting to be found.”
I laughed. “That’s the most disgusting analogy ever. There, I found your first fault: You make disgusting analogies.”
Grayson chuckled. “See? Now we’re getting somewhere.”
The drive to New Hampshire seemed to drag on and on. I knew that Grayson being with me helped, but I kept thinking about Sarah, wondering what was wrong. My mind kept assuming the worst. Fortunately, she texted me occasionally, telling me that she was just resting and waiting for the results of her MRI.
I was antsy in my seat as we approached the hospital. Grayson didn’t mind half-running with me into the ER as we signed in and waited for a nurse. I couldn’t sit; I kept pacing. I wondered what was taking so long for us to see Sarah.
Grayson was patient, reassuring me that they would allow us to go back soon. It was funny how time had seemed to suspend when I was with Grayson these past few days, but in the most joyful way, where it had both stopped and was going by too fast all at once. Now, the suspension of time was painful, a thin rubber band being stretched further and further in my chest.
“Ms. James?” asked a nurse. I turned to the nurses’ station and nodded. “Come with me,” he said, and led me and Grayson behind a locked door.
We went through a maze of hallways. Had my senses been sharp, I could have focused enough to remember the way we came, but I couldn’t think of much else besides seeing Sarah.
When we finally entered her room, I was taken aback by how gaunt she looked. “Sarah!” I exclaimed, running over to her and gently hugging her over the wires that were connected to her body.
“Oh, my darling,” she said, her voice coarse. “You really didn’t have to come all this way. It’s so silly, really. I probably just strained my back when I was gardening.”
“Oh Aunt Sarah,” I said, sitting in the chair next to her. “Of course I was going to come. Don’t you know me by now? I worry too much.”
Sarah smiled and squeezed my hand. “I know,” she said. “But I just wish you would save your worrying for something other than me.”
She finally noticed the tall figure standing off to the side of the room.
“Oh!” said Sarah. “You must be Dom!”
I felt my face flush with embarrassment. I had failed to mention to Sarah that Dom and I had “broken up.” I wasn’t sure how to explain to her that the day after my summer “fling” ended, I had entered an intense, somewhat serious relationship with another housemate.
“Nice to meet you,” Grayson said with a smile, coming over to Sarah and reaching out his hand.
God, he was too nice, he wasn’t even going to correct Sarah. Perhaps he wanted to save me the embarrassment.
“A pleasure!” she said, returning his handshake.
“Um, Sarah, so the thing is…” I said, feeling the red of embarrassment creep up my face. I couldn’t make eye contact with either of them. “This is Grayson, not Dom. Dom and I…um…broke up.”
Sarah looked at me in surprise. She had a mischievous smile on her face. “Oh, well is that so,” she said. “In that case, it’s very nice to meet you, Grayson.”
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I grumbled. I could sense Grayson holding back his laughter.
Sarah let out a quick laugh. “Oh, no explaining needed to me, darling! In fact, I think it makes your life infinitely more interesting.”
I opened my mouth. “Aunt Sarah!”
“What?” she said. “If I can’t live my life vicariously through my niece, who else can I live it through? And, given how handsome and kind this young fellow seems to be, you seem to have made a good choice.”
I was quiet. I didn’t want to say anything negative about Dom, and I couldn’t tell Sarah the truth about him. But, I was relieved that she didn’t seem to care that Grayson was now in my life.
Sarah winced in pain. She tried to hide it. “Tell me more about how the Vineyard has been!”
“I will,” I said. “First, will you tell me what happened?”
Sarah sighed. “It started off as just this ache in my back. I had it examined, you know, the other week. I didn’t want to worry you. I thought I had just pulled something. So did the doctor. But then it kept getting worse. Yesterday I was at home, and it hurt so badly that after I lay down on the couch, I couldn’t even get up. I had to call for an ambulance.”
“Oh Sarah,” I said, putting my forehead down to her hand. “Why didn’t you call me?” I immediately felt selfish for asking that question. This wasn’t about me; this was about her.
“What could you have done?” she said. “I waited to text you until this morning because there was no point in worrying you last night when you couldn’t do anything. The doctors did a bunch of exams and tests, and now I’m just waiting.”
As if on cue, a doctor entered the room with a team behind her. I assumed they were residents or interns, soaking up everything they could.
“Hello,” she said, her voice even, as if she had done this a thousand times. “I’m Dr. Evans. Is this your mother?” she asked me.
“My aunt,” I said, squeezing Sarah’s hand. “But basically my mother, yes.”
“She is my next of kin,” Sarah added.
“Okay,” Dr. Evans said. “I have the results of your MRI and the other exams. I would like to talk with you about them.”
“They can all stay in the room,” Sarah said, motioning to me and Grayson. “I don’t mind.” I stayed next to Sarah while Grayson made room for the gaggle of doctors by moving to the corner by the window.
“Well, Ms. James,” said Dr. Evans. “I’m afraid the preliminary results aren’t good. The MRI shows what looks like tumors on your spine.”
Sarah’s face went pale, as I’m sure mine did as well.
“This is all preliminary,” said Dr. Evans. “We will need to do a biopsy. However, there are other concerns as well. We found a lump in your breast. When was the last time you had a mammogram, Ms. James?”
Sarah looked at the ceiling, thinking. “Not too long ago, I don’t think,” she said. “I meant to schedule it for this year, but hadn’t gotten around to it before.”
“Did you notice the lump before, Ms. Evans?”
“No, I…no, I don’t think so. Well, I can’t be sure.” I couldn’t tell if Sarah was lying to herself. I suddenly felt irrationally angry.
“Well, Ms. Evans, we have a lot of work to do. We are going to take biopsies and run more tests. Your blood results are also troublesome.”
“What is it then?” asked Sarah. “Is it…cancer?”
“We can’t say for sure just yet,” said Dr. Evans. “It is possible—not definitive, but possible—that you have breast cancer that has spread to your bones. I have seen cases like yours before. If that is what’s going on here, there is a lot we can do. We are working to control your pain as best we can, but as soon as we have a diagnosis, there is a lot more that we can hopefully do to treat you.”
Sarah just nodded.
As soon as the doctors left, I was crying. The tears ran out of me like a never-ending river. Grayson came over and held me. He said nothing as he stroked my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Sarah. I wasn’t sure what I was sorry for.
Sarah, though, seemed to be more concerned about me than about herself. “I don’t know what you are so upset about, dear girl,” she said. “If I’m sick, I’m sick. I’ve lived a long life. What’s t
he point in crying over that?”
“You always say the funniest things,” I said with a sad laugh.
“Look,” said Sarah. “I am fine. I can probably go home in a couple of days and wait to find out more information. Why don’t you and Grayson stay at my house, and take care of Booboo. Whenever you need to leave, Anna, the neighbor, can watch him.”
“I’m not leaving you,” I said, starting to cry again.
“Grayson,” Sarah said, giving a winning smile to Grayson. “Please take my lovely niece out of here so I can get some sleep tonight.”
Back at my aunt’s house, Grayson listened as I vented my frustrations about Sarah’s health. I complained about how she never went to see the doctor when she should, and now, it was going to kill her. He listened as I went online and found out more about Stage IV breast cancer than I had ever known, armed with questions for the doctors the next day.
“I’m so sorry, Ariel,” Grayson said. It was all he kept saying: “I’m sorry.”
I wiped snot from my nose. “Well, I guess if you’ve seen me like this, then you’ve seen everything.” I hiccupped.
I fell asleep on the couch. At some point in the night, Grayson carried me to the guest bedroom, where he curled up behind me in the bed. Booboo slept at the foot of the bed. He knew something was wrong, and I wished I could tell him that everything would be okay, even though I didn’t know it myself.
The next day, we were back at the hospital in the morning. When we arrived, Anna—Sarah’s neighbor—was already there. Sarah was napping.
I never knew Anna all that well. She and Sarah had always been close, helping each other out with their properties and animals. I didn’t realize how close they had become over recent years.
“The biopsy came back,” Anna said quietly. “It is cancer. The cells are breast cancer cells. It spread to her bones. The good news is that she has the hormonal type of breast cancer, which is apparently easier to treat. I don’t know too much about this stuff. I’m sorry.”
I nodded. After my research last night, this was the news I was expecting. “What happens next?”
“Well,” Anna said, “they are sending her home later today. She will start chemotherapy soon—they want to shrink the tumors, and from there, decide on future treatment options.”