by Natasja Eby
“Alright, so far she doesn’t sound totally horrible,” Brooke says with a little smile. “I hate to ask, but...when does the story get bad?”
“Well...” I look down at the sleepy town below us. I’d rather be making out instead of telling the story, but that’s what she asked for. “Elli and I started dating soon after that and Julian was with this other girl. But...I was always suspicious of their relationship. They were such good friends, you know? They kept boxing together and he was always there for her in ways that I...wasn’t. When she broke up with me, I thought it was because of him. But she told me how I wasn’t supportive of her and didn’t really care about her stuff. And the thing is that even though I was really mad about it, she was right. I didn’t care that much about it.”
Brooke nods and then looks right into my eyes like she’s trying to read me. “And when exactly did she spontaneously fall in love with her friend?”
I burst out laughing and she smiles with me. “I don’t know when that happened, but it wasn’t long before they were together.”
“It sounds like she wasn’t completely blameless, then,” she says.
I look away, the guilt eating away at me. “Yeah, but that doesn’t justify what happened after.”
Brooke doesn’t ask. She knows she doesn’t need to. I gather my courage, push aside my shame, and open my mouth.
“After we broke up, I asked Elli if we could get back together,” I say. “But she said no. I think that hurt my pride way more than it did my feelings. Later, I was...drinking with my buddy. We drank way more than anyone should drink. He started trash-talking her and saying all this stuff. The thing is...Elli and I never slept together. But I let Brody say and assume whatever he wanted to.”
I stop and sigh deeply. Thinking about some of the rumours I heard makes me cringe.
“We were so drunk,” I say. “I wasn’t really in the frame of mind to correct him or even care. But I also didn’t think it would go anywhere. Then the next thing I knew, our whole grade was talking about it. About me and Elli and things that never ever happened. She heard the rumours way before I did. And by then it was just...too late.”
“Too late for what?” Brooke asks softly.
“Too late to stop the rumours before they went too far,” I say.
“Oh, Adrian.” She puts her hand on my arm.
“Yeah. And also her new boxing bully best friend gave me a broken nose and two black eyes,” I say bitterly, touching my nose without even thinking. “In one hit. It was actually pretty impressive, but also not cool at all.”
Brooke reaches out and touches the bridge of my nose so lightly it tickles. I lick my lips while she keeps staring at me. When I can’t take it any longer, I take her hand and move it away from my face. She turns her hand in mine so she can thread our fingers together. How can she listen to my horrible story and still want to hold my hand?
“She must know that you didn’t mean for that to happen, right?” she says gently.
I shrug. “I tried apologizing to her, but she could tell it was only half genuine. And I tried to get people to stop talking about us, but...it’s hard to take something like that back.”
“Maybe you should do what Lou suggested and write her a letter,” she says.
Finally I look at her, into her sweet hazel eyes. Maybe she doesn’t get how bad what I did was. “If you got a letter from your crappy ex, would you even bother to open it? Or would you just burn it instead?”
She tilts her head and gives me an adorable little smile. “It doesn’t matter what I would do. And it doesn’t even matter what Elli would do, either. What matters is that you’re trying and you want to make things right.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “I’ll...I’ll try.”
Her smile grows. She shifts in her seat and leans towards me a bit. How I would badly love to kiss Brooke right now. She’s beautiful, sweet, and talented. All the things I’m not. I can’t kiss her, even though I really want to.
I lean away and look out my window. “Maybe we should go now.”
There’s an excruciatingly quiet moment before Brooke says, “Yeah, it’s getting pretty late.”
I can hear the heavy disappointment in her voice. But really, I’m saving her from a far greater disappointment down the line. I feel bad about not kissing her, but I feel even worse thinking about what creative way I’d break her heart eventually.
CHAPTER fourteen
Brooke
I grab my skates and jam them into my bag. Not because I want to go skating but because I already told Marie I’d go meet her at the rink today and work out an extra routine. That would have been fine if she hadn’t mentioned Adrian was also coming.
Adrian, the hockey player who isn’t terrible at figure skating. Who is an alcoholic but is trying to change his ways. A sweetheart who wouldn’t kiss me the other night for unexplained reasons.
But why would he? He’s a ten and I’m, like, a negative two.
By the time I get to the arena and get out on the rink, Adrian is already practicing some new moves with Marie. He glides across the ice, spins, and jumps into a toe loop. When he lands perfectly, he gives Marie a happy, boyish grin.
I take back what I said before. Adrian’s an eleven.
I shuffle onto the ice, feeling as jumbled up as I did during my first lesson when I was seven. By that age, I knew how to skate but couldn’t do anything fancy. The first jump we did that day had my heart racing for hours after.
Twelve years later and my heart’s racing all over again, but for a different reason this time.
Adrian turns his smile towards me and I can’t help smiling back, even though I’m still feeling the sting from his rejection.
“Oh, good, you’re here,” he says before taking off at lightning speed towards me. He stops with the sides of his skates, spraying me with ice dust. “Marie was showing me this really cute routine she and Lorenzo did that she thought we’d like. You know, for Santa and Mrs. Claus?”
His brown eyes are sparkling and that grin never falls. It’s charming, to say the least, how much enthusiasm he has for something he seemed to hate a month ago.
“Let’s see it,” I say.
He doesn’t seem to notice that I’m not nearly as excited as he is. He takes my hand—unnecessarily—and pulls me over to Marie. She pulls out her phone and shows us some old footage of her and Lorenzo in their prime.
I have to admit—their routine is cute and they look so good. I only ever knew Lorenzo as a retired skater with grey hair and a slightly stooped back. But back in the day, he had a thick head of dark hair and he moved as gracefully as an eagle. I look back and forth between the video and Adrian. No wonder Marie likes him so much. He must remind her of her beloved.
“What do you think, chérie?” Marie asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
They’re both looking at me and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say. “Oh, um… Yeah, we could try something like it. Some of those moves would be alright for a beginner.”
Adrian grins. “I’ve already learned like five of the ones that he does. Now I want to do the couples moves.”
“Slow down, tiger,” I say. I’m speaking mostly to my rapidly beating heart, but he doesn’t need to know that. “Let’s see what you’ve got first.”
“Go ahead,” Marie says, waving her hand at him.
“Okay, I think I figured out the beginning of the routine,” Adrian says.
He goes to the middle of the rink and stops for a moment, like he’s trying to prepare himself. And then…he flies across the ice. Or at least, that’s what it looks like he’s doing. With his arms spread out he begins what looks like a decent ice dancing routine. There are a couple of little jumps to start him off—nothing too fancy, but he still makes them look good. He even throws a little flair into his hips.
Then I see him attempt a salchow. But his foot lands wrong and he falls to the ice. He doesn’t stay down for very long, though. He picks himself up quickly and comes back ov
er to us.
“That’s about where I got stuck,” he says. He’s not upset. In fact, there’s a little twinkle in his eye. “Do you want to try it with me?”
I look into those soft brown eyes. “Yeah, let’s do it.”
We skate down the ice together and I mirror his moves. With no music to guide us, we have to make up our own rhythm, so I follow his lead. He stops just before he gets to the salchow, so I do it to show him the proper landing.
Marie claps for us and says, “That was wonderful. Let’s try the next little part.”
We watch the next part on her phone. This is the part where they really start dancing together. It’s a slow, lyrical routine. They’re close together. It’s very clear they’re in love. I look away, at the empty rink and think, There’s no way I can do this.
Adrian takes my hand. When I look at him, he nods at the rink. I take a deep breath and we start skating. There’s a part where we’re supposed to do a skating waltz. Adrian’s hands are in the right spot—his right hand on my waist and his left holding my hand. But I don’t think he’s ever waltzed before, let alone done it on the ice. His steps are all over the place and I can’t follow his lead if he has no idea what he’s doing.
He almost trips us when his left foot collides with me. “Stop,” I say, dropping my arms. I go back over to Marie and hold my hands out. “Marie, would you do me the honour?”
She smiles, her eyes crinkling up delightedly. “Of course, chérie,” she says as she takes the guy’s position.
I follow Marie’s lead in a loose interpretation of the routine we were trying. We take it slowly—she’s in her 60s, after all. We turn in slow, romantic circles past Adrian, who watches us intently.
When we’ve passed by him, I say quietly, “He doesn’t even know how to waltz.”
“I know,” she says. She spins me so that my back is against her and picks up her pace a bit. Leaning close, she says, “But you can teach him. He’s good. He’ll learn.”
She spins me twice until I’m facing her again. “Man, I wish Lorenzo were here,” I mutter.
Marie jerks but not enough for us to fall over. I gasp when I realize what I’ve said.
“I’m sorry,” I say, staring into her sad eyes. “That was so stupid.”
She gives me a sad smile. “It’s okay. I wish he were here, too.”
I can feel tears clawing at the back of my throat, but I can’t let them out in front of her. That wouldn’t be right.
Marie leads us back to Adrian and spins me so I’m facing him again. He willingly takes my hands and pulls me close. We start trying the moves again and apparently he’s a quick study. He’s a lot smoother this time. Maybe a little too smooth.
In fact, he’s pulling me closer and closer and I just can’t do that. Not right now. Not after he didn’t kiss me.
I pull my hand out of his grip and turn away. “I’m sorry,” I throw over my shoulder as I race for the gate. “I need a break.”
After a moment, I hear the soft shushing of their skates on the ice. I go to the change room even though I’m just changing out of my skates. It’s quiet in there and I take my moment alone to compose myself. Why did I think doing a routine with Adrian would be a good idea?
I take my skates off as slowly as I can, hoping that Marie and Adrian will have left by the time I’m gone. But when I leave, I see Adrian casually leaning against the wall next to the door of the change room.
“Hey,” I say, trying to pretend I’m not acting like a crazy person who can’t untie skates in a timely manner. “I thought you might have left.”
“Yeah, I was waiting for you,” he says. “I have a favour to ask.”
I sigh. Half of me wants to say yes to anything he asks; the other half reminds me that Adrian doesn’t like me like I like him. “What is it?”
“I spent the last two days crafting—or trying to craft—the perfect letter for Elli.” He runs his hands through his gorgeous hair. “Would you read it for me and tell me if it’s stupid before I send it?”
I stare at him for a second. His request feels a little more intimate than I was expecting. But maybe he really just needs someone to tell him it’s okay. “I’m sure it’s not stupid,” I say. “But yeah, I’ll read it.”
He hands me a folded up piece of paper. When I open it, I’m surprised that it’s handwritten. And it looks like he tried his hardest to be neat about it.
Dear Elli,
I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from. I know I wouldn’t want to hear from me either if I were you. But I want you to know that the way I treated you during our relationship and after we broke up has been haunting me ever since.
You were right to assume that my first apology to you wasn’t sincere. I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind to be apologizing for anything or trying to take back the horrible things I did.
The truth is that for a long time now I’ve been secretly struggling with alcoholism. Also I was really jealous and resentful of Julian, which I know is totally not fair. You never gave me any reason to doubt your loyalty to me but I did anyway.
A lot of things have happened since then that led me to losing my spot on my team, my scholarship, and even my university acceptance. But I’ve learned I had to lose all those things in order to let go of the bad things, too. My addiction, my self-doubts, my jealousy and resentment. The old Adrian is almost gone.
I don’t expect you to forgive me. There’s no excuse for what I did. But I want you to know that I truly am sorry. You deserved so much better than what I gave you. I know you’re way happier with Julian and I hope everything is working out for you at Waterloo.
I still think you’re a totally awesome person and I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Adrian
It takes me a moment to let his letter sink in. I had no idea he lost so much to his drinking, and now I see why he was in such a bad mood when I first met him.
I look up into his earnest eyes. “This is the nicest thing I’ve ever read,” I say honestly. “If she doesn’t forgive you after reading this, that’s her problem, not yours.”
“I really wouldn’t blame her for not even opening it,” he says sadly.
“I’m sure she will.” I fold up the letter again and hand it back to him. “I’ll see you later.”
Just as I turn to go, he touches my elbow. “Are you feeling okay today?” he asks.
“I’m fine,” I say in a tone of voice that means I’m clearly not fine.
“No,” he says. “I know what girls mean when they say that. Come on, what’s up?”
I look into his eyes and say, “Nothing. Just leave it alone.”
“Alright,” he says with a shrug. “Do you want to hang out somewhere that isn’t the Community Centre?”
“Not today.” I turn away and start walking. And of course, he follows.
“Let it be known that the offer was there to hang out with me,” he says in a teasing tone. “If you change your mind later, I might be super busy hanging out with all my other friends.”
“Adrian, stop,” I say.
He puts his hand lightly on my forearm, forcing me to stop walking. “Are you mad at me or something?” he asks, and all the lightness is gone.
“No.”
“Then why—?”
“It’s because you leaned away, okay?” I blurt out. I look down as my face flushes.
Adrian doesn’t say anything as he tries to piece together my vague explanation. After a moment, he steps closer and gently places his fingers on my jawline, tilting my face up. There’s a soft expression in his eyes mixed with regret.
“Is that true?” he asks. He drops his fingers to shove them through his hair. “Brooke, I…I had no idea it would bother you so much.”
“It doesn’t,” I say. I’m sure he can tell that’s a lie. “It’s not a big deal. You’re not obligated to kiss me.”
A corner of his mouth tilts up. “Any other guy would have.”
> “Then why didn’t you?” I ask irritably.
His lips turn down again. “Did you miss the part of my story where I’m a terrible boyfriend and a terrible person in general? I have no right kissing you.”
“You’re not a terrible person,” I say. I try to meet his gaze but he’s suddenly very interested in his shoes. “I heard the story. You made a bunch of mistakes. So what? We all make mistakes. And look how hard you’re trying to make it better.”
I point at the letter he’s holding too tightly in his hands. I reach out and make him relax his grip so he doesn’t wreck it.
“This doesn’t change what I did,” he whispers.
Something Rosa once said to me rises to my mind and for once I don’t mind that little voice in my head. “You can’t change the past,” I whisper back. “You can only…keep moving forward.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just puts his hands on his hips and shrugs. Staring at the ground, he nods and then shakes his head, like he can’t decide whether to agree or disagree with me.
“I get it,” I say with a sigh. “I’m not tiny and cute, and I don’t have an adorable accent.”
A confused little smile grows on his face as he looks back up at me. “First of all, you are tiny and cute and you do have an adorable accent ’cause you’re Canadian. And secondly, what are you even referring to? Were you...creeping on my ex?”
He looks like he wants to laugh but I’m not in the mood. “No,” I say too forcefully. “Okay...maybe a little.”
“Don’t do that,” he says, shaking his head. “No one can compare to Elli.”
My heart sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
“And no one can compare to you, either,” he continues in a soft voice that makes my heart fly back up into the sky. He takes another step closer. “I didn’t kiss you because I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Okay,” I whisper. It sounds like another line. He’s got a line for everything. But I have no choice but to accept what he says and move on. “Do you still want to go out somewhere?”