by Natasja Eby
I’m not strong enough to pretend I’ve never considered it and he knows that. But he doesn’t know I was coming back for him. How could he? I didn’t even tell him I was leaving.
“Knock knock.”
I look up at the sound of Mom’s soft voice. As she walks in, I try to wipe my tears off, but it’s pointless anyway. It’s not like she won’t know I was crying.
She sits on the chair next to me and says, “I saw Adrian out in the hall. Did you talk to him?”
I shake my head.
“Still mad at him?” she asks.
“Wouldn’t you be?” I say.
Mom hesitates, staring down at her lap. After a moment, she looks back up at me and says, “I’ll be honest. I’ve never been with a man who I think would rescue me in a snowstorm, let alone care about my mental health.”
Her admission makes me feel sad for her but also a little guilty. “Not even Dad?” I ask.
She shrugs and lifts a hand in the air. He hasn’t been around a whole lot in the last few years, but I have some fond memories of him from when I was little. He was always good to me, but I guess it wasn’t the same for him and Mom.
“No, not even him,” she says.
“There’s always Dawson,” I tease. Even if she likes to pretend he doesn’t care, I’ve noticed plenty of times.
Her face flushes and she rolls her eyes. “I’m well aware of Dawson’s virtuous qualities, but he’s also way too young for me.”
“I don’t think he thinks that,” I tell her.
She clears her throat and shifts in her chair. “The point I was trying to make is that I really don’t think what Adrian did was that bad. You know? He just cares about you.”
I cross my arms over my stomach. “Well, of course he cares about me!”
Her eyes light up with her smile. “Then what’s the problem?”
“It’s like he doesn’t trust me,” I say, putting my hands up. “Will it always be like this with us? Will he always be worried about me anytime he can’t find me for longer than an hour?”
Her smile falls. “I don’t know, Brookie. Maybe? But again—isn’t that better than him not caring at all?”
“Everybody thinks I’m doomed to fail,” I whisper.
“Oh, sweetheart.” She reaches out to stroke my hair back from my face like she always used to do when I was little. “Not everyone thinks that. And even if some people do, who cares? The only person whose opinion of you matters...”
“Is me,” I finish quietly for her. How many times I have heard her say that throughout my life? It never meant as much those times as it does right now. Maybe she’s right—even if Adrian is always going to be paranoid, it doesn’t matter as long as I know I’m doing okay.
“Thanks, Mom,” I say. “Do you mind if I have a little time alone?”
“Sure.” She pats my leg as she stands up. “I’ll come back in a bit with lunch.”
I try to smile at her. “Sounds great.”
As soon as she’s gone, I grab my phone to text Adrian three words: Please come back.
He doesn’t even text me back. He just bursts through the door a minute or two later, like he’s been waiting for me to come to my senses. Another sob escapes my lips when I see his red eyes.
Slowly, he comes over to the bed. When he’s close enough, I take his hand and pull him towards me. He scoots onto the bed next to me, wrapping his arms around me. I start crying again, my face buried against his chest.
I hear him sniffle and pull away just enough to look up at him. There are tears falling openly down his face. He tries to wipe them away on the sleeve of his sweater, but they just keep coming.
“Here,” I whisper as I reach for the box of tissues on the bedside table.
He takes a couple of tissues and wipes at his eyes and nose. “Thanks,” he says softly. “Brooke, what happened? You didn’t show up for rehearsal and then I found your car in a ditch. I was—I was so worried. I don’t even—”
A sob cuts him off and my heart aches with regret. I never meant for him to be so worried about me. Why did I ever think he’d be better off if I just left like that?
“I was running away,” I say, and it sounds so stupid now that I’m hearing it out loud. “And not to kill myself. I thought that if I got away from everyone who knew about me and my past, then I’d be happier.”
“That’s legit,” he says, instead of telling me how dumb I am.
“Yeah, well...” I smile. “I would have kept going. But then...I freaked out because I thought I forgot my skates. But I didn’t. I literally took my skates with me even though I had decided to never skate again.”
Adrian chuckles. “Yeah, that sounds like something I would do.”
“Yeah, see?” My smile falls. “When I realized there was no way I could escape my fate, I tried to turn back around. But I underestimated how icy the road was. Next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed with a chaplain next to me telling me how much God loves me. And no matter how many times I told her I already know that, she still thought I was suicidal.”
His cheeks go pink and he looks down. “I’m sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it?”
I cross my arms. “One more time with feeling.”
He puts his fingers under my chin and leans forwards until our foreheads are almost touching. “I’m really sorry,” he whispers, his voice breaking a little. “I told you—I was scared.”
“Because you love me?” I whisper back.
A beat of silence passes between us.
“Because I love you,” he says.
I tilt my head up to press my lips against his. He kisses me back so passionately I almost forget to finish my lecture.
Finally, I lean away and say, “Next time you’re scared, tell me first.”
His eyebrows knit together in a frown. “Well, next time you feel like running away, at least take me with you.”
I smile. “Deal.”
He settles back against the pillows on the bed like he belongs there. His arm is still around my back and he takes my other hand with his free one. He’s back to being serious again.
“I don’t want to skate this program without you,” he says.
My heart thumps harder. “That’s why I came back, you know? I want to do it. And I want to be here with you. But...you kind of threw a wrench in those plans.”
“I did?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know so I tamp down another bout of anger.
“Yes,” I say evenly. “They won’t discharge me until I talk to my therapist. And she gets the final say.”
He tenses up next to me. “I didn’t realize... Let me talk to her. I’ll explain my mistake.”
“I appreciate that,” I say, squeezing his hand. “But she already knows about my depression and all of the dark thoughts inside me. I’ll have to convince her myself.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” he says, even though his voice wavers a bit.
I smile and lean towards him again. His eyes go all gooey before they close, his face inches from mine.
“Well, that didn’t take long.”
Adrian practically jumps off the bed at the sound of my mom’s voice. “Hi! Ms. Dubois. Hello, how are you?”
She purses her lips together like she’s trying not to laugh. “I’m alright. And how are you two? Making up...or making out?”
“Mom,” I groan while Adrian blushes a deep red.
He puts a hand through his hair and says in the cutest way possible, “A little of both, I guess.”
“I see,” Mom says. “Are you staying for lunch? Because I didn’t get you any.”
“Mom,” I whine.
“Oh, no, thank you,” he says graciously as he edges towards the door. “I was just getting up to go anyway. Need to check on things at the Centre. See you soon.”
He waves at me and I wave back as he slips out of the room.
“I guess you’re not still mad at him?” Mom says with a little smile on her face.
I roll my eyes. “No...”
Mom just laughs and hands me the burger she got from somewhere. My first reaction is to reject it. But now that I think about it, I’m starving and all I’ve eaten today is some hospital Jell-O.
I’m almost finished eating when Rosa comes into my room with a soft, concerned smile on her face. I pat my hair down and try to look as adjusted as I possibly can. I don’t want her to think what everyone else thinks—that I’m crazy or suicidal. Mom slips out to give us some privacy.
“Rosa, hey,” I say, smiling brightly at her. “Please tell me you’re here to let me out.”
“I want to,” she says in her gentle tone. She sits on the chair next to my bed and pulls out her notebook. “But we need to talk first.”
I sigh. “Okay.”
“Tell me what happened last night,” she says.
I close my eyes for a moment. I feel like I’ve told the story five times already, but now that I’ve got Adrian’s side of it, I can give Rosa a clearer picture of what happened. She seems to understand when I tell her I really was just going to leave for a little while and that I had intended to come back.
“I mean, there was a snowstorm,” I say for what feels like the fiftieth time. “The roads were icy and I was rushing so I could get back before anyone noticed how weird I was being. You know?”
She nods and takes down some notes. “And you came back because of your skates?”
“That and...” Okay, it’s not exactly a secret anymore. “Because I want to skate with Adrian. I really like him. So you can imagine how frustrated I was to find out he thought I was trying to kill myself.”
“I’m sure that is frustrating,” she says.
“And I’m not even hurt,” I tell her. “I mean, other than this one little cut—” I point to my forehead “—I’m totally fine. Would a person trying to kill themself end up with only a little scratch?”
“It happens all the time, Brooke,” she says gently.
I sigh. “Rosa, that was the wrong thing to say.”
She smiles. “I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suicidal. But...”
My heart drops. “But?”
“Something made you want to run away in the first place,” she says.
My hands find the edge of the blanket and I curl my fingers around it. “Because there’s all this pressure. You know? Marie was saying how everyone’s going to be watching me and I’m just...not as good as I was before.”
“Do you think that pressure is coming from outside of you?” Rosa asks. “Or inside?”
My eyebrows draw in as I consider her question. “Well, of...of course I want to do well. You think I should stop caring about that? Stop trying to be good at the only thing I’m good at?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she says calmly. “What do you think?”
“I think I’m always going to be a perfectionist,” I say honestly. “I’m always going to want to do my best and never slack and care about what people think of me. That’s a big part of who I am.”
“Yes, it is,” she agrees.
“But I can try to let some things go,” I continue. “I don’t always have to be perfect. I can have fun doing what I love. And I don’t have to run away on a whim when I feel overwhelmed.”
“That’s a very good start,” she says. “You know, Brooke, you can call me when you feel overwhelmed. Preferably before you drive out into a snowstorm.”
“I know, Rosa,” I say, meeting her eyes. “I almost did, but...”
She smiles. “Call me next time, okay? I’m going to go talk to the doctor. If she says you’re physically well enough, then you can go.”
I sit up a little too quickly and the blood rushes to my head. “Really? Oh, thank you!”
The doctor doesn’t come nearly soon enough. And while she’s here, hemming and hawing over me, I bite my tongue. Better to be polite and bear it than to cause a ruckus and have her keep me longer.
“You don’t have a concussion,” she says, after checking my eyes with that little flashlight. “I would just take it easy for the next few days and come back if anything develops.”
“Um, doctor?” I say. “Were you planning on going to the Christmas Pageant this weekend?”
“Yes, I go every year,” she says, her eyes squinted in confusion.
“I’m performing in that,” I tell her. “So, I won’t be taking it easy just yet.”
“Ah.” She puts her flashlight in the front pocket of her lab coat and smiles. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“Thank you,” I say meaningfully.
Finally, I rush out of the hospital with Mom. The cold air outside feels so good on my flushed face. Mom says she’ll take me home since my car is in the shop. But I tell her I have to go to the Community Centre. I meant what I told the doctor—I can’t rest right now. The show is tomorrow and I want to make sure everyone’s okay before we take the ice.
CHAPTER twenty-four
Adrian
The hospital isn’t too far from the Community Centre, so I decide to just walk there and see what I can work out before the show tomorrow. But when I get down to the foyer, I’m surprised to see my dad waiting there.
“Dad!” I shout.
He looks up at me and I can’t help rushing over to him and flinging myself into his arms. I don’t care that I’m fully grown or that we weren’t exactly on the best of terms when he left me here. I start to cry again and he just pats my back.
“Hey, son, you okay?” he murmurs.
I shake my head against him and he pats my back one more time.
“You want to talk about it?” he asks gently.
“Yeah,” I say as I let him go. I wipe my face on my sleeve again. “I was on my way to the Community Centre.”
“We can talk in the car,” he says, reading my mind.
The drive over isn’t nearly long enough for everything that’s happened. But Dad listens patiently as we sit in the parking lot and I pour out my heart to him. I can’t remember the last time I told him everything. I don’t think he knew all the details of my breakup with Elli, but he does now.
“I don’t even know if Brooke’s going to be let out of the hospital to skate with us tomorrow,” I say. “And I got Red and Zara all the way here for us, so...I don’t know.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “I’ll be honest. I was pretty surprised to find Red Jackson at my dad’s place. But I guess I’m glad you sorted things out with him.”
“Yeah, me, too,” I say, blowing out a long breath. “He’s been pretty cool about everything, actually. But I don’t know what to do now.”
“Well, you’re still skating your program tomorrow, right?” Dad asks.
“I have to,” I say emphatically. “I made a commitment. It’s going to be pretty hard to skate a couple’s routine alone, though.”
Dad smiles at me. “I’m glad that you feel that way.”
“You are?” I ask, drawing my eyebrows in.
“Yeah,” he says. “I’m happy to see you so fully committed to something, even if it isn’t hockey. Especially since your mom and Simon are coming up to see you tomorrow.”
“They are?” I ask excitedly. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had a chance to miss them. Now I’m aching to see them again. “I guess you and Mom didn’t want to spend five hours in a car together?”
Dad hesitates, putting his hand through his hair like I always do whenever I’m nervous. “Nah, it was more about our work schedules. We don’t hate each other, you know. We just— She’s—”
Both Mom and Dad have unsuccessfully tried over the past three years to explain to me and Simon why they aren’t together but aren’t getting a divorce—yet. It’s still just as confusing to me now as it was the first time they told us.
“You know, Dad,” I say. “If there’s one thing I learned from Elli, it’s that women just want to know that you support them no matter what. You can’t just say you care, you have to show it.”
Da
d stares at me for a moment, nodding slowly. With a smile he asks, “And what did you learn from Brooke?”
My heart lights on fire just thinking about her. “That second chances do exist.”
His smile grows but he doesn’t say anything to that. Finally, we get out of the car and head into the Centre. Marie seems frazzled and for good reason. Brooke’s not here, I’m late, and one of the elves ripped his costume.
Dad hangs out at the Community Centre with me while I run around for Marie. I’m guessing I’m doing a lot of things Brooke would have done for her if she were here. Like making sure everyone’s costumes are ready and hung up in the right dressing rooms, the kids know what they’re supposed to do before, during, and after the show, and everyone is feeling confident.
I am not feeling confident, but I can’t let that show.
Red and Zara join us later along with all the other performers. Everybody’s ready. Except me, of course, because my heart is still aching. They get into their skates and meet me and Marie on the ice.
“Alright, everyone,” I say nervously. “This is our last chance to get things right before the show. Now—” I glance up at Marie, who nods at me. “Hopefully Brooke will make it tomorrow. But if not, we’ll need someone to fill in as the angel. And we’ll just cut the Santa and Mrs. Claus routine because—”
“We’re not cutting anything,” a sweet and sassy voice says behind me.
I spin around so quickly, I nearly trip over my own skates. “Brooke!”
I race over to her, throw my arms around her, and lift her off the ice. She laughs as I spin her around and kiss her cheeks ten thousand times.
“Okay, Santa,” she says through her laughter. “Calm down. Everyone’s watching.”
I laugh and lead her back to the others by the hand. “Okay, forget everything I said. Let’s just run through this really quickly.”
Everyone cheers and then we get into position to do our last dress rehearsal.
***
Mom and Simon show up the next day. Simon’s grumpy because he did most of the driving. But I love him, even when he’s in a bad mood, so I give him a big bear hug. Mom’s happy to see me until she finds out there’s not a lot of room in this inn.