by Abi Ketner
After we arrive at our quarters, tension hangs in the air. This isn’t how I wanted things to start. He changes his uniform, grabs a bottle of water, and stands stiffly in the doorway to my room. Zeus lies beside me as I sit on my mattress, fearful of setting Cole off.
“So what’s your deal?” he asks in between gulps from his bottle.
“I need a huge favor. Just hear me out before you answer, and just so you know, I already asked Sutton and he gave me permission.”
He folds his arms across his chest and takes a deep breath. “Go on…”
I tell him about Alyssa, her sickness, and what she wants the most before the inevitable. His head shakes “No” before I finish.
“No way. You’re not staying there!” He squeezes the bottle so tight that it crumples in his fist. “We are not having this discussion. It’s completely out of the question. Anything could happen if I’m not there. I won’t—”
I stand and close the distance between us. “I don’t mean tonight! Please, put yourself in her shoes, even if it’s just for a second. She’s all alone in that God-awful place and she’s petrified of dying. This is about her, not me. It’s a gift we can give her. Damn it. She’s only thirteen,” I plead.
He shakes his head. “Any other guard would’ve beat or raped you by now, and you just keep pushing me when I’m trying to do the right thing.” His face turns a purplish red, and a vein in his neck bulges. “It’s bad enough that you’re on the radar with my superiors. And you expect me to leave you there? You’ve lost your damn mind.”
“Believe me, I’m thankful I have you, but you have to understand… I promised her. I promised her she wouldn’t die alone. I know you don’t understand, and I don’t expect you to, but I don’t break promises. Ever. Look, if leaving me is the issue, then stay with us. There are cots we can bring into her room and you can sleep behind the curtain with Zeus and keep watch. That way I can be with her in case she needs me.”
He’s still shaking his head with his jaw clenched. I know he’s right. I’m asking a lot of him, especially with the tension so high between us.
“How much time does she have?” he asks.
“Any day now, or next week.”
He closes his eyes for what seems like an eternity.
“Please—” I start to say.
“I’ll think about it, all right!” He exhales. “You have no idea what you’re asking of me.” Then his face softens. “You must really care about her.”
I don’t know what overcomes me—joy, I suppose. I step into him and wrap my arms around his waist. He stands motionless, but his heartbeat thumps in my ear, moving faster and faster.
“I really do. She’s like a sister I’ve never had,” I say.
He squeezes my shoulders for an instant and then pushes me away, carefully avoiding eye contact. I step back and exhale with relief. He’ll allow me this favor because deep down there’s a side of him that’s decent and kind.
The rest of the evening remains quiet. Cole keeps to himself after our conversation, almost like he needs time to digest it all. I watch him pack his bag: four shirts, four pants, four pairs of boxer briefs and his shaving kit. I feel all giddy inside, although his solemn expression forces me to withhold my triumphant emotions. I think I touched a nerve.
He manages to say good night before he closes his door. And I begin to realize for the first time how much security Zeus brings me when he lies down beside me. I find it therapeutic to rub his head and receive his warmth in return. His presence seems to scare away my nightmares and I sleep in peace.
* * *
We drive through the checkpoint at the training center, and this time I keep my mouth glued shut. Our walk through the garage is uneventful. I perspire from the stress and twirl one of my locks nervously as we enter the hospital. The whooshing of the doors blows my hair back. His steps echo in the hallway and he looks engrossed while pressing the eighth floor button. It’s now or never. I take a deep breath and ask him for one more favor.
“I’m scared to ask you—”
“No more favors.” He spins around and the angry gleam in his eyes melts into agony.
“It’s not for me. It’s for her.”
His lips turn thin and he folds his arms over. “I’m already risking too much.”
“It doesn’t involve me. It involves you.”
“No way, no more favors,” he says, raising an eyebrow.
“She’s never been on a date.” I hurry on before he can protest. “It’s something every girl dreams of. She needs to be swept off her feet.”
Ding. The elevator doors open and Zeus bolts into the hallway.
“You’re positively killing me. You know that, right?” Sarcasm boils over, but he gives in with his next breath. “I’m not very good at this sort of thing.”
“I highly doubt that,” I say, accidentally brushing his hand with mine. He pauses for a brief moment and his onyx eyes flash to his hand then jump to my eyes. Something bubbles up within me. It’s weightless and yet foreboding. Whatever passes between us in that moment runs deep. I clear my throat and knock on Sutton’s door.
“Come in,” he says. He speaks on the phone in a hushed tone. “Gotta go.” He hangs up, swivels his chair, and raises his eyebrows. “Now what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I spoke to Cole and he’s willing to stay.” Sutton looks at Cole and pauses while evaluating his face. “Wonderful. Just make sure—”
“It’s all right, sir. I already got the clearances from my superiors last night,” Cole says.
“Well, then I guess you should go see Alyssa. I won’t bother you unless I’m needed.” He dismisses us with his hand and begins dialing a number on his phone. “Oh, and, Cole, thank you. This little girl means a lot to me too.”
* * *
Alyssa musters as much excitement as she can. She falls in and out of sleep most of the day, but at eleven thirty p.m., she’s perky.
“Are you up for a visitor?” I ask her.
“It’s almost midnight, who’d visit me now?” she asks me with a suspicious smile. Her excitement makes me happy. Zeus’s nails click from behind the curtain and she tries to peek underneath.
“Ready?” I ask.
She nods, scrunching her eyebrows, and trying to figure out who’s hiding behind the curtain.
“Are you sure?” I stand at the curtain with my hand on it, waiting to reveal her surprise. I laugh at her impatient expression.
“You’re killing me… Just open it!”
I slide open the curtain with painstaking slowness, giggling as she gives me a dirty look. The candlelight hits them and Zeus bounds into the room without his manners, peeking up at her, resting on his front two paws and swiping her small hand with a giant slurp. Alyssa erupts into laughter.
“Hey,” Cole says as he follows behind Zeus.
I try to reply, but his appearance renders me speechless. He wears a pair of carpenter jeans that sit on his waist and a white collared shirt. It’s slightly wrinkled, but that doesn’t detract from how handsome he looks. The wind is sucked out of my lungs. I’m drawn to him, and I don’t like it. His clean appearance, sweet demeanor, and the fact that he nods and smiles at Alyssa with respect make my walls crumble a little. I almost want him to be here for me, not her, but I quickly shove those thoughts away. Thinking about it will only get me into trouble since it’s forbidden to even have these feelings.
What’s wrong with me? It’s too dangerous and he made it more than clear that I’m just part of his job.
He whispers, “Do I look all right? I wasn’t sure what to wear.” He puts his hands in his pockets and does a complete three-sixty.
His butt looks amazing in those jeans. I catch myself before my jaw hits the floor and arrange my face in what I hoped was a purely virginal appearance. Ugh, there I go again. “You look… nice,” I lie. He looks so handsome, but I don’t tell him.
“Then why are you blushing?”
“I’m not!”
“
Okay, so when did you put a crap load of blush on?”
“I don’t wear makeup!”
His eyes linger for a moment and he smiles crookedly. “Yup, that’s why I know you’re blushing.” He laughs and I swat him. His hands move up in a surrender position as he backs away.
Is he really joking around with me? A smile stays plastered on my face, thinking about how sweet it is he showed up despite his reservations.
Then Zeus comes to my side, breaking the trance, and I look into his big brown eyes. “I guess you’re my date, boy. Hope you like my outfit.” I laugh at myself.
Cole stares at me. “Take good care of her,” he says to Zeus. My heart skips a hundred beats, startling me.
He looks away and sits next to Alyssa’s bed. “I’m Cole. Lexi told me all about you, and I couldn’t help but want to meet the girl she raves about. I was wondering if you’d do me the honor of going on a date with me?”
If a girl could light up, she just did. Alyssa grins as if she received the greatest gift in the universe. “I’d love to.” She giggles as her face turns scarlet.
“Give me a few minutes to get her freshened up.” I close the curtain and brush her hair, pinning it up into an elegant hairstyle my mother used to wear. After I’m finished, Cole places one arm under her knees and the other secures her back as he lifts her fragile body. Alyssa wraps her arms around his neck with a look of pure rapture on her face.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It probably would’ve been more polite of me to ask before picking you up,” Cole says.
“Yeah, of course, it’s fine.” She laughs nervously and gives me a wink.
He carries her without effort down to a vacant room, and I wipe a tear away as I watch him fulfill a dying girl’s dream.
It’s dark except for the melted candles lit on the end of the table. The plastic ware, which I scrounged for after talking to Sutton, sits in all the correct spots. Cole carefully lowers Alyssa into her seat for the night. Even Sutton makes an appearance and places a soft kiss on her head.
“Enjoy, sweetie. You deserve it.” Sutton offers me his arm and leads me out. Before the door closes, I glimpse one more time.
Cole sits across from Alyssa, the candlelight flickering across their faces as they laugh at something together. The ease with which he relates to her makes me smile.
Every day, I witness the ugliness of humanity and it diminishes my faith in the goodness of people. But watching Cole show kindness to Alyssa reminds me of the kindness my father showed others. Whenever someone needed him, even if it was dangerous, he’d help. Instances like this give me the spark I need to keep going despite the horrific obstacles thrown in my way. Unbelievable that I’ve found more depth here than I ever had before. The emotional peaks and valleys exhaust me, but my heart feels content, and it doesn’t make sense to me.
When I return to the room, Zeus snores in my cot. I guess I’m sleeping somewhere else. I take Cole’s and slide under the warm covers. I fall asleep with the image of Alyssa looking alive and happy while sitting across from Cole.
* * *
“Hey, wake up.” Startled, I fly up, smacking heads with Cole.
“Ouch,” we both say at the same time.
He rubs his forehead, his face scrunching with the effort. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wasn’t sure where I’m supposed to sleep since you’re in my bed and all.”
I rub my eyes and yawn. “The cot’s yours. Zeus took mine, so I’ll sleep on the floor.” I swing my legs to the floor, and the cold tiles sting my feet.
“Ha. No, you’re not!” A voice says beside me. “I don’t take up even half this bed. Come in. I don’t mind sharing,” Alyssa says. For the second time in less than thirty seconds, I jump at the sound of a voice I wasn’t expecting. I stand, straighten my clothes, and climb in next to her.
“Thank you!” she says. “For the best day of my life.” My heart drops as she wraps her weak arms around me.
“You don’t have to thank me. He was the one who took all the risk here.”
“But you had to ask him.”
“When it comes to you… convincing isn’t even needed. It’s impossible not to fall in love with you. You’re a wonderful person and I want to thank you for sharing your life with me. I’m forever changed because of you.”
She wipes her tears, rolls over to her other side, and I cover her with a blanket. “I love you too.”
Before I can count to ten, she drifts off. I watch her; then my eyes wander over to Cole. He stares at the ceiling, looks at me, and holds my eyes for a minute as sadness, joy, and an unidentifiable emotion pass between us. He motions good night, and I nod, but I’m not ready to sleep.
I watch him. The curves of his face are soft in the moonlight and his sculpted arms wrap around his bunched up blankets. I picture those arms wrapped around Alyssa, the way he cradled her, the way he cared for her in a way I’m sure she’s rarely felt in her short life. I close my eyes, and as I drift off, I think of how lonely Alyssa must have been, how lonely I’ve been. And I fall asleep, the vision of Cole carrying me to the peace of my dreams.
The next two days pass this way. Cole and Zeus stay with me in the hospital while Alyssa slowly slips further away from us. Each morning, Cole takes Zeus to the training center for the majority of the day, and every night he returns at seven.
Alyssa’s condition worsens. She sleeps most of the day and barely stays awake long enough to hold a conversation. Occasionally, she moans and shifts positions in her bed. The only gift I can give her is my presence. It seems like such a small gift, but it’s what I’d want if fate switched our positions. My heart seizes when I see her grimace when she coughs or even turns her head, and I wish I could take her pain away. But it only grows worse each day. Sutton even gave me a pamphlet on the dying process, which at first I refused, horrified by the idea. Now I’m glad I read it because I’m more aware of what Alyssa might need from me through her journey.
At seven p.m., Cole brings Zeus back to our room. Zeus’s eyelids droop and his legs wobble. He flops to the floor, and within a matter of seconds, he begins snoring.
“How’s she doing?” Cole asks.
“Okay… I’m hoping I can wake her long enough to give her some ice chips; her mouth is so dry, and she says she’s thirsty but chokes on water. She stopped eating today, which I know is normal at this stage, but it’s really hard to watch. I’m afraid she’s starving even though the book said she’s not. Weird, right?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “You finally read the book Sutton gave you? That’s good.” He stands with his feet shoulder width apart and strokes his chin pensively. “I don’t know how you do it, sit here with her knowing she’s going to—”
I scoot the chair back fast enough that it screeches obnoxiously, and I pull him into the hall. “Shhhh. She can hear you. The book said hearing is the last thing that goes right before it happens…” My tongue gets stuck and I have to clear my throat. “So we have to be careful about what we say around her. All right?”
“Really? Wow. Okay, good to know.” He looks down at me, worry lines creasing his brow. “How are you holding up?”
“I have my bad moments and my good moments. I just wish there was some way I could take her place.”
All of a sudden, Zeus barrels out of Alyssa’s room, growling with his hair sticking up on his back.
“Hey, calm down,” Cole says.
“What’s he growling about?” I ask, trembling. I steal a glance at Alyssa’s door.
“Who knows, he probably hears something.” He reaches down and rubs furiously between Zeus’s ears. I can tell he’s a bit worried too.
I peek into Alyssa’s room, making sure she’s still breathing. Her chest rises and falls with each shallow breath.
“Like what?” I ask, turning back to Cole.
“Dogs have incredible hearing. It could’ve been a noise he didn’t like coming from the ground floor. He’s capable of hearing things up to a mile away in the Hole. Bu
t in the woods, a mile and a half.”
“Wow, that’s unreal. Why can he hear farther in the woods?”
“Less distractions and not as much noise.”
“Makes sense. How was training?” I lean against the wall, feeling a little tired.
“Rough,” he replies. “This whole situation makes my life pretty difficult.”
“What situation? Being here in the hospital?” I perk up, and push off the wall to scrutinize his face.
“No, and yes—well, sleeping up here night after night with all the other guards knowing we’re here. Just makes things edgy.” He doesn’t usually share anything about his training so I pay attention.
“They all know you have clearance right? You told them I’m tending to someone who has a virus… So it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong.” I shrug it off while clearing my throat. His eyes meet mine and his hand pauses on Zeus’s head.
“It’s not me. The fact that you’re eight floors up from the training center has them itching to make trouble. I’ve been taking a beating at training for this, you know. I don’t like the feeling I have—not at all. They’re obsessed with you. I’ve heard some of them talking about what they’d do if they got you alone. We need to relocate soon… real soon.” He stops and rethinks his last statement. “I’m sorry… I don’t say it to be mean or insensitive, but your brand makes you a target for their games, and your face sure doesn’t help matters.”
“My face? Do I make weird faces?” I try to change where this is going. I know what the guards think. I’ve heard the catcalls, and I will never forget the way his comrade touched me in the garage while giving Cole his warning.
“Yeah. That’s it.” He shakes his head then looks at his feet. “You’re beautiful. That’s the problem.” He shuffles his feet and shifts his weight uncomfortably. “They can’t stop looking at you.” He glances up at me for a brief second before locking his gaze on something behind me. “And I understand why.” The words come out so soft I can barely hear them.
Butterflies don’t just flit through my stomach—they do cartwheels and somersaults. Feeling flustered I say, “And I know why all the girls throw themselves at you.” His eyes snap to mine and we hold our gaze for a minute.