by Karen King
‘How do you feel about it? It must be hard for you.’ That was typical Oliver, to think about her feelings. That was one of the reasons she loved him so much. Yet he had decided they weren’t going to have a family without thinking of her feelings, hadn’t he?
‘It is. I don’t want them to split up. Of course I don’t. But Mum deserves to be happy, and Dad… well, he’s so set in his ways. I’m sure that he loves Mum but he rarely shows it.’
‘I don’t want us to split up either,’ Oliver said softly.
Meg turned to him, saw his thick hair blowing in the wind, and she longed to reach out and touch his face, run her fingers over the dark stubble on his chin. ‘Neither do I,’ she admitted.
‘Then let’s not. We’re meant to be together, you and me. We don’t have to be apart.’ He gazed at her and she felt herself sinking into the soulfulness of his deep brown eyes.
‘I want a family and you don’t, Olly. And you’ve only just decided to tell me that, after seven years of being together. That’s a big thing to get over.’
He lifted his hand and stroked her cheek gently with his thumb, sending shivers down her spine. ‘I handled it clumsily, I know. I’m sorry. That’s why I came down. I owe you an explanation because you’re right: I knew you wanted babies right at the beginning and I said I did too. I thought I did when it was years away; I thought that in a few years I’d feel ready, but instead I started to feel more and more panicky at the thought of being a father.’
‘Panicky?’ She stared at him, confused.
‘Please can I try and explain?’
She nodded and listened as they walked side by side along the harbour, the sea breeze blowing their hair.
‘You know my dad walked out when I was young, what a waster he is?’ She could hear the bitterness in Oliver’s voice. He’d told her early on in their relationship about how his mother had struggled to bring him up alone, how his dad hadn’t wanted to be tied down. Markus hadn’t even bothered to come to Meg and Oliver’s wedding, and she had only met him a couple of times but had seen immediately how self-centred he was.
She wanted to ask him what this had to do with them. Oliver would never be that kind of father. He was caring, giving, great with children, but she kept quiet, sensing this was important to Oliver, wanting to give him time and space to speak. She felt her resolve to end the marriage wavering. She missed him so much.
‘I don’t want to be like that, Meg. I think that children deserve two parents who love them, who both take care of them, not one who flits in and out of their lives, who only cares about themselves. It damages them, makes them feel that they’re not worthy of being loved.’
So that’s what the problem was: Oliver didn’t think he would be a good enough father. She turned to face him, reached for his hand to reassure him.
‘Oh, Olly, you won’t be like that. You’re so good with children. You’ll be a wonderful father.’
‘You don’t know that, Meg. Yes, I love kids, but it’s one thing being good with other people’s children, who you only see now and again, only spend the odd hour or so with, and it’s another thing being a good parent. Children completely change your life; they’re there twenty-four-seven forever. You never stop being a parent. What if I can’t do that? I don’t know what it’s like to have a father figure in my life so how can I just magically be one? It’s different for you – you’ve got brilliant parents – but me, well, my mum did her best but she was so young and she struggled so much, and my dad simply didn’t care. I felt a burden, Meg, like my dad didn’t want me and I was making life hard for Mum. If she didn’t have me to care for, she’d have been free like my dad.’
She saw the pain in his eyes and her heart bled for the child he had been, growing up so unhappy and lonely. ‘I’m sure your mum didn’t look on you as a burden, Olly. She wouldn’t have swapped having you for anything.’
‘Maybe not, but that’s how I felt. I don’t want a child of mine feeling like that. I’d rather not have any children than inflict that misery on them.’
She should have asked him why he didn’t want children instead of walking out. She should have known that Oliver would have a good reason; he was one of the kindest people she had ever met. He just needed reassurance that he would be a good father.
‘It wouldn’t be like that for our child, Olly. We’ll love it and be good parents – well, as good as we can be.’
He reached out, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. She responded instantly, their bodies melting into each other’s. Then he released her. ‘I can’t risk it, Meg. I am not like you. I don’t think it’ll just magically be okay.’ His voice was husky, raw with emotion. ‘I want to be straight with you, like I should have been in the beginning, because I love you so much. But I absolutely don’t want to have children. I hope that you love me enough to make up for that, though. That I’ll be enough for you. Can you do that?’
Oh God, how can he ask me that? She gulped, blinked back the tears, feeling as if her heart was being torn from her body. How she wanted to say yes, but she knew she couldn’t do it. That she would carry on resenting him for it. At every children’s party. Or every time a friend had a baby and laughed ‘you’ll be next’. That even if they got back together now, survived this for a couple of years, they would eventually break up.
She shook her head. ‘I can’t, Olly. I love you so much but I can’t live with you, remain married to you, and agree to never have a family together. It would hurt me too much.’
‘But if you loved me—’
‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t have lied about this. And you’d want a child with me. You’re not your father. I’m not your mother. We can make it. We really can.’ Tears were spilling down her cheeks, and she could see them in Oliver’s eyes too. ‘Don’t do this, Olly. Don’t split us up just because you’re scared.’
He wrapped his arms around her, pulled her into a big hug, and she collapsed on his shoulder, crying.
‘I love you, Meg. But I can’t give you what you want. I hope… you find someone else who can. Goodbye.’ His voice was breaking with emotion.
Then he released her, and her heart cracked in two as she watched him walk away.
22
Sally took one look at Meg’s distraught face when she walked in and wrapped her arms around her. Meg sobbed on her shoulder, letting out all her grief.
‘You couldn’t sort it, then? I had hoped…’ she said when Meg had finally stopped crying and was wiping her eyes with a tissue.
‘Olly is adamant that he’s never having children.’ Meg briefly relayed their conversation. ‘He thinks that he should be enough for me. I understand how he feels about his dad, but if he loved me, he would want a child with me and be determined to be a better father than his dad was, wouldn’t he? I can’t believe he’s being so selfish.’
‘He must have been badly hurt as a child, Meg, to be that terrified of letting down his own child. It’s a difficult situation and I’m sure he hasn’t made the decision lightly. I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you.’
‘I thought, hoped, he’d come down so we could sort it out but there’s no sorting this out.’ Meg’s voice broke as she dabbed her eyes. ‘And the hardest thing is that we love each other so much and Oliver is just as heartbroken as me. But we can’t get past this, Mum. We really can’t.’
‘Sometimes things don’t work out no matter how much you want them to. I don’t want me and your dad to split up either. I would prefer us to grow old together, to keep our family intact, but I have to face up to the fact that we don’t want the same things. And that sometimes staying together can make you unhappier than being apart.’
‘I know.’ Meg sniffled.
‘Right now, we’ve got each other though, Meg. We’ll make this a lovely Christmas and then we’ll both start the new year afresh. We don’t need men to make us happy. Our lives are in our own hands.’
Meg nodded. Mum was right. She had to accept that things hadn’t worke
d out with Oliver and move on. They still had so much to sort out though: selling the house, splitting the furniture and possessions.
I’ll get Christmas over with and then I’ll sort it all out, she told herself.
‘I don’t know if you feel up to it, but Rose is having a bit of a get-together tonight to thank everyone who took part in the Christmas Fayre, and to let us know how much we’ve raised. I was going to drop in, but if you prefer we can have a quiet evening at home instead.’ Sally looked at her questioningly.
Part of Meg wanted to say no, she didn’t want to face people, she wanted to stay at home nursing her sorrows, but she resolved she wasn’t going to do that. Like Mum said, she still had a life to live and she was going to get on with it. She had managed before she’d met Oliver and would manage now they had split up. Her heart would mend. Eventually. ‘I’ll come. I don’t want to stay in moping,’ she decided.
‘That’s my girl. Leo is going too; he said they’ll give us a lift. Rose lives the other side of the harbour so it’s a bit of a walk.’
* * *
When Leo and Sam came knocking on their door just over an hour later, both Meg and Sally had refreshed their make-up, changed into something a bit dressier and greeted them with a smile on their faces. If anyone looked closely, they might notice that the smile didn’t reach Meg’s eyes, but it was there.
‘Did you manage to talk things over with your husband?’ Leo asked as they walked over to his car.
Meg kept her gaze firmly ahead and willed the tears not to fall. ‘We talked. But it can’t be sorted. We’re over. We’ve both accepted that.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Leo said simply
So am I, she thought sadly. Her heart was breaking but she knew she’d done the right thing. Oliver had no right to deprive her of being a mother just because he was scared of being a father. And if he really loved her, he would fight his fear so they could be together and have the family she longed for.
* * *
When they arrived at Rose’s, the cottage was packed. Rose was obviously very popular. Rory was there too, warming the mulled wine and serving it up in mugs to the guests.
‘An extra big one for you,’ he said, winking at Sally.
He fancies my mum, Meg realised. And it was obvious that her mum liked him too. The knowledge stunned her. Rory only looked in his late fifties, which would make him five years younger than her mum, although Sally didn’t look or act her age. Not that age should matter.
‘Does it bother you that they’ve hit it off?’ Leo asked, obviously reading Meg’s expression.
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘It seems too soon. Mum only split up with Dad a few days ago, and I guess I was hoping deep down they’d sort it out.’
‘Maybe they will. But I guess it’s doing your mum good to have a bit of male attention. When people have been married a long time, they often take each other for granted, forget to listen to each other, pay compliments. My parents were the same at times, though Dad’s illness brought them back together again.’
Is that what had happened to her parents? Did Mum feel that Dad took her for granted? She had said she didn’t feel that he loved her. Maybe Meg should talk to Dad again, try to explain how Mum felt. It would be good to fix her parents’ marriage, even if she couldn’t fix her own.
Suddenly, a loud clang made them all turn around. Rory was banging two saucepan lids together to get their attention, and Rose was standing by him smiling, holding a biscuit tin.
‘Right, everyone, Rose has an announcement to make,’ Rory said once everyone was quiet.
All eyes were now on Rose.
‘I’ve counted the money we’ve taken this afternoon and I’m delighted to say that we’ve raised almost a thousand pounds! That will mean lots of presents for the children in the hospital!’
This remark was greeted by loud cheers and clapping. Rose smiled, waiting patiently until the clapping had ceased. ‘Thank you, every one of you, for all your hard work. And a special thanks to our newcomers, Sally and Meg, who only came down for Christmas and ended up getting roped in to help.’
Meg felt her cheeks flush as the others turned to face her and Mum, clapping enthusiastically. Mum was grinning from ear to ear, her eyes bright. She’s enjoyed doing this, Meg thought, being part of this community. It’s like she’s found a purpose.
Perhaps if her parents moved to a little village, Mum might be happier. Then Dad could do his gardening and join the local bowls club and Mum could join the Women’s Institute and get involved with village life. No, that wouldn’t work. Mum didn’t want a quiet life in a village, she wanted the opposite – to be out in the world, living life. Mum was a ‘people person’, she loved to socialise, whereas Dad was quite happy with his own company. Meg guessed it hadn’t really mattered when she and Dan were living at home and the house was bustling with life, or even when her parents were still at work, but now they’d both retired and were spending so much time in each other’s company, they could no longer ignore their differences.
‘Three cheers for Rose for arranging the Christmas Fayre, as she does every year!’ someone shouted.
‘Hip hip hooray, Rose saved the day!’ someone else added, and soon the room was filled with cheering and laughter.
‘That’s enough, you lot.’ Rose clapped her hands, a big grin on her face. ‘As usual, Rory and I will buy the presents for the kiddies – we already have a list of suggestions – and take them to the hospital on Christmas Eve. Now there’s mince pies and mulled wine in the kitchen, and of course coffee and tea for those of you who don’t want wine. Please help yourselves.’
‘Can I go and get a mince pie, Dad?’ Sam asked.
The day’s events had clearly brought Sam and Leo closer, Meg was pleased to see. She idly wondered if Leo had a girlfriend or partner, but surely not, otherwise she would be here with him, wouldn’t she?
‘Sure, grab one for me too, will you?’ Leo asked.
‘He looks a lot happier,’ Meg said as Sam went off, chatting away to another lad of a similar age.
‘He is, thanks to you and your balloon animals. Thank you for involving him, Meg. He really enjoyed it, and it looks like he’s made a couple of friends too, which I reckon means he’ll want to come and see me more often.’
‘I was glad of his help,’ Meg said.
‘Well, at least let me buy you a drink tomorrow afternoon to say thank you properly. Your mum too,’ Leo said. ‘Unless you have other plans, of course.’
No plans at all for the rest of my life. ‘I haven’t but let me check that Mum doesn’t,’ she said.
‘You and your mum really have a close bond, don’t you? You must be a support and company for each other at this difficult time.’
‘Yes, we are. We jolly each other along. Well, Mum jollies me along – making me dance around the kitchen to carols or take an impromptu boat ride!’ She smiled.
‘Christmas must be hard for you both this year. So different to how you usually spend it.’
‘It is. Oliver and… We always spend Christmas Day with Mum and Dad. My brother Dan and his wife Katya come over too, and my little nephew, Tom – he’s three next year so is just getting to the point where he believes in Santa. I adore him, he’s such a little sweetheart.’ Tom would always come running to greet Meg and Oliver, loving a cuddle with ‘Auntie Meg’ and squealing with delight when Oliver would swing him around. She’d miss seeing him this year.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Well, at least Mum and I can keep each other company. When I phoned Mum to say I’d split from Oliver, I was gobsmacked when she said she’d left Dad too, and asked me to meet her down here.’
‘That must really have been a shock to you.’
‘It was. I mean, no one wants their parents to split up, do they? No matter how old you are, you still want to think that they’re happy together. I feel sorry for Dad, and Mum’s cut up about it but she’s not one to mope – she gets on with life.’
&nbs
p; ‘And you?’ Leo asked quietly, his eyes searching hers.
‘I’m heartbroken,’ she confessed. ‘But I’m my mother’s daughter and I’m not going to spend my days pining for what could have been.’
‘Definitely no going back for you and Oliver, then?’
‘Definitely not. We’ve both agreed that it’s best for us to part.’ She took a sip of the warm wine and savoured it for a while before swallowing it. ‘How about you? No other woman in your life?’
‘There was. Until Sam’s mum decided to get married again and go on honeymoon to Jamaica over Christmas, which meant I had to change my plans so I could look after him. My girlfriend, Melanie, didn’t fancy sharing Christmas with me and my sulky son. Sorry, my ex-girlfriend.’
‘Your decision or hers?’ Why was she even asking? It was none of her business.
‘She gave me an ultimatum: her or Sam. She lost.’ Leo picked up his glass. ‘I’ve let Sam down once and I’m not going to do it again. Any woman in my life has to realise that we come as a package.’
23
Sunday, 21 December
Meg
The celebrations at Rose’s had gone on late, so Meg had fallen into a heavy sleep the moment her head had hit the pillow. It was the first time she’d crashed out like that since she and Oliver had split. When she finally woke, at just gone eight the next morning, she lay there for a while going over the previous day’s events. Oliver coming down to see her had finalised things. They were over. There was no going back.
The knowledge made her feel incredibly sad. They had loved each other so much. Still did. How could it all be gone?
If only Oliver had been honest at the beginning, before she had fallen in love with him, before they’d got married. Yes, it would have hurt, but not as much as this, seven years on.