“I may need that too.” I felt a sob in my throat, and I turned to face him.
“I’d love to spend that time with you instead of being alone.” He pulled me into a tight embrace. “If that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” I nodded quickly and looked up at him. “Can we still have that stiff drink?”
“I think that’s a given.” He sighed and hugged me.
We went back downstairs, and Ian changed out of his Santa suit. I followed him, but my thoughts were a million miles away. I was thinking about the life I lived as the little girl that felt like she didn’t have a world worth living in anymore after her parents divorced. I was thinking about both my parents remarrying and not feeling like I fit into their new lives.
That might have been tough for me, but I allowed it to damage my perception of everything. I let it consume me, and the little girl grew up into a selfish woman that didn’t know how to let go. I lost my smile. The kids in the hospital didn’t. They had every reason to forget how to smile, but they lit up every room we walked into. The things they had learned to deal with at a young age made my problems look like grains of sand next to boulders.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ian walked up to me once he was finished changing.
“I’m just thinking about things...” I sighed and shook my head.
“I do that too.” He took my hand. “A drink will help.”
I definitely needed a drink, and a glass of wine wasn’t going to do it. I needed something a lot stronger than that. I didn’t think it would do more than just take the edge off my emotions, but that was better than what was going on in my head. We walked to the car, and after we got on the road, I realized that Ian wasn’t driving me home. After we passed a couple of bars, it was clear that he wasn’t just looking for the closest place to get a drink.
“Where are we going?” I looked over at Ian.
“My place.” He glanced over at me. “I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “That’s fine.”
I would have probably been more impressed when I first saw Ian’s house if I hadn’t been so overcome with emotions when he pulled into the driveway. It was definitely a mansion by most standards—maybe even an estate. He led me inside, and the first thing I noticed was that there were a lot of Christmas decorations. He had a wreath on the door, a tree in the living room, and lights in every window. Living alone didn’t stop him from decorating. We walked into the living room, and he poured two glasses of whiskey. I practically downed my entire glass with one gulp—which nearly made me choke. It seemed like a good idea until I felt it burn all the way down. It had been a really long time since I had anything stronger than wine.
“Take it easy.” Ian refilled my glass. “It’s better to sip this.”
“Sorry.” I lifted the glass to my lips and shuddered. “I think I needed that though.”
“I’m proud of you.” Ian took a sip of his whiskey, put it down, and then pulled me into a tight embrace. “I really didn’t think you would want to hand out gifts on the last floor. I wouldn’t have been upset at all if you decided to wait in the lobby.”
“I’m glad I did it.” I looked up at him. “It has given me a lot to think about.”
“My first trip to the hospital is what helped me finally realize that I should savor every second of the life I had, even if Abigail wasn’t in it.” Ian exhaled sharply. “There are a lot of people in the world that are less fortunate than we are.”
“I never really thought about it. I was too selfish…” I took another sip of my drink.
“No, you weren’t selfish. Your perception of the world is shaped by what you allow yourself to see.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “It’s okay to hurt, and it’s okay to mourn, but eventually you have to let all of that go. There’s a thin line between happiness and despair, but you can still walk on it.”
Ian was right. I had lost sight of the thin line because I was perfectly fine with misery. It was the only thing I knew, so it felt comfortable. My parents might have been the ones that introduced me to it, but that didn’t mean I had to stay there forever. I had a life that was begging to be lived, no matter how many times I allowed myself to believe things were as bad as they could possibly be. It was time for me to say goodbye to the little girl I used to be and find out who I really wanted to be when I grew up—because I didn’t like the selfish person I had become. I had felt that shell I built around my soul cracking ever since I met Ian, but it was time for it to shatter.
“Do you have plans this weekend?” I sat down next to Ian on the couch and took a sip of my whiskey.
“I was kind of hoping someone would want to go on a date or something.” He shrugged. “Otherwise, I’ll be here—wondering why she didn’t want to spend time with me.”
“I definitely want to spend time with you.” I felt a hint of a smile forming on the edge of my lips. “But I need your help with something.”
“Sure.” He nodded. “What did you have in mind?”
“I need help decorating my apartment.” I moved closer to him. “It’s almost Christmas, and I don’t even have a tree.”
“I could certainly help you with that.” He put an arm around me. “Do you even have any ornaments to decorate it with?”
“No.” I shook my head back and forth. “I might need some help with that too…”
“Then it sounds like we have a busy weekend ahead of us.” He pressed his lips to my forehead.
Yeah. It’s time for me to open my eyes to what I should have been seeing my entire life.
We sipped our whiskey and talked for almost an hour before I started to feel like my entire world hadn’t been shattered. My heart grew three sizes too big just in time for it to be filled with harsh truths I had been too stubborn and selfish to admit. Ian didn’t just help me let go of my concerns about being in a relationship with someone; he also showed me that there were plenty of reasons for me to be grateful. That was what the holiday season was really about—using the gratefulness inside myself to make someone else’s world just a little bit brighter. Maybe I didn’t have the perfect family, but that didn’t mean I had to live my life based on their mistakes. I was in charge of my own destiny, whether it was something as simple as putting up a Christmas tree in my apartment or falling in love with the man who opened my eyes.
“It’s getting late…” I looked at my glass and sighed. “We both need to go to bed.”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I can drive you home—or you can stay. I’d really like it if you did. What do you think?”
“I don’t know if I’m in the right place emotionally for that.” I grimaced and looked at him. “I do care about you—and I know we are going to have lots of nights together eventually…”
“That’s not what I meant.” He shook his head back and forth. “I would just really like to have you in my arms tonight—and wake up with you. I’m not asking for anything else.”
“I would like that too…” I looked down and nodded.
The safety of Ian’s arms sounded a lot better than spending the night alone, and he needed it too. We were both emotionally fragile after handing out presents. Ian led me to his bedroom, and I crawled into bed next to him. We shared a couple of tender kisses before the lights went out, and then he pulled me into a tight embrace. The rest of the world could fade away as long as we had each other. I was going to be waking up with fresh eyes and a new perspective for life. Beginning that in Ian’s arms was perfect. It was where I wanted to be and where I needed to be—it felt like I belonged there.
I’ve found the pieces of myself that has been missing—I just didn’t realize how many pieces needed to be reclaimed.
We woke up early the next day. Ian made me breakfast, and our desires nearly took over once we were done with our meal. The only thing that truly held us back was the fact that we both had to go to work. I didn’t want to let go of him when he dropped me off at my apartment, but I finally did—just in time to make the norm
al mad dash to get ready to go to the office. I took a shower, got dressed, and put on my makeup in record time. The only thing missing was a cup of coffee, so I delayed my departure by a few minutes so I could make one in my Keurig. I always got to the office earlier than anyone else. I had plenty of time that I could spare, but I never took advantage of it.
The world felt different when I stepped outside. The snow on the ground looked like heavenly beauty instead of a sign that Christmas was on the horizon. The lights that were still on had a vibrancy that I hadn’t noticed since I was a child. I felt like I was finally a part of the holiday season instead of looking at it with bitterness. I didn’t even get upset when I got stopped at several red lights on the way to work. Christmas had a new meaning—life had a new meaning—and I couldn’t wait to share both of those with Ian.
Is it too soon to think that far into the future with Ian? I don’t think it is…
“Good morning, Mary.” I looked up from my computer when she walked past my desk.
“Good—morning.” She paused for a moment and gave me a side-eyed glance.
I don’t say that enough—to anyone, really.
“Did you make cookies for us today?” I tilted my head inquisitively.
“I did.” She nodded. “Christmas trees and wreaths. They’re in the break room, but…”
“I know.” I smiled. “I need to hurry if I want to get one before they are all gone.”
“That’s right.” She finally cracked a smile that was followed by a quiet laugh. “You seem different this morning.”
“I just don’t want all of those cookies to disappear before I get a chance to get one!” I pushed my chair back from my desk and stood.
I’m definitely different, but I don’t know how to explain it to anyone but Ian…
I got some new information for the presentation that I had to do for the Dillinger’s Department Store executives in the mid-afternoon. Mr. Thornton was officially calling it an advertising campaign instead of just ad-copy for their spring collection. He had one of the designers take the ads I created and lay them out for magazine spreads, billboards, and even provided some examples of how they would look if they took up an entire page in the newspaper. What was different from most of the emails I got from him was that instead of giving me feedback, he was actually asking for my approval on the designs. It really was my campaign—he was ready to give me the ball and let me run with it. I wasn’t going to let him down.
Even if I’m thinking about Ian while I work…
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ian
I could tell there was something different about Elly after we finished handing out gifts at the hospital, and it wasn’t just the emotional toll that it took. Something had changed to give her the strength to do it in the first place. I didn’t expect it to be what finally helped her see the true meaning of the holiday season, but there was a time when it did the exact same thing for me. I understood struggling and coming to terms with the things that couldn’t be changed. I let the memories of my time with Abigail torture me, long after I accepted the fact that we would never be together again. Elly’s situation was different. Her struggle was rooted in her childhood, and it made an impression on her at a young age.
She’s beginning to see what the other side of that looks like, and I’m glad that I’m here to support her through it.
Elly was an incredible woman. She faced things that would have made most people break down and kept it together until it was safe to do so. That opened her eyes to what the holiday season was all about, even if it wasn’t my intention when I invited her to go with me. She could have retreated into her emotions and let them devour her, but she clung to me instead. Even that was a big step for her, but I didn’t expect the next one. I hoped she would find some holiday spirit at some point before the season was over, and it seemed that she was ready to try. I was excited to help her decorate her apartment for the holidays, and I hoped it wouldn’t be the only time that we shared the experience.
I’m beyond looking for something to grab onto so that I don’t fall—I want her heart, and I want to give her mine.
It was a fairly busy day at Alexander Software, but I had trouble focusing on work. My thoughts were elsewhere—on the beautiful woman that shared my bed the night before. She allowed herself to be vulnerable and slept in my arms. We didn’t make love, but the experience was sweeter than the passion that could have burned up the night. I was certain that we were going to have a lot of those nights soon enough, but it wasn’t what we needed. We just needed the closeness and the comfort of two people who had opened themselves up to each other. I loved waking up to the sight of her next to me. It made my morning a lot brighter than usual.
“Mr. Alexander?” Samantha pushed my door open. “The conference call with Bryant Benson is about to begin. I assume you’ll want to sit in.”
“Yes, absolutely.” I nodded and leaned forward to stand.
I almost forgot about that.
We had a lot to share with him, including a working prototype that the team put together a lot faster than I expected. I thought it would take another week, but they were able to use some of the code from previous apps that we built to piece it together. Bryant seemed happy with the early results and promised to give me a call once he had some more time to mess around with the sample product. I was pretty sure that meant we were going to haggle and iron out the financial piece of it. The final product would be built from the ground up to make sure it was fully functional, but the prototype was a really good indicator of what it would look like.
“Good work, everyone.” I looked around the room once the conference call ended. “You might have broken a few records this time.”
“I think the team was just trying to make sure they didn’t have to work on Christmas Day.” Joe nodded his head and laughed.
“I was trying to finish before the Christmas party.” Paul shrugged. “I’m going out of town next week to spend Christmas with my family in New Jersey.”
“A New Jersey Christmas?” Joe pretended to scoff. “Are you going to hang out with Snooki?”
“I sure as hell hope not.” Paul chuckled under his breath. “My family doesn’t live near the shore.”
“Alright, I have a few things I need to take care of before I call it a day.” I pushed my chair back and started to stand. “Again, you all did a good job.”
“Thanks, boss.” Joe smiled.
I returned to my office and reviewed a few things before I started packing up. It was Thursday, but our work week was basically over. Everyone was going to be too excited about our annual Christmas party to get much accomplished on Friday. It was a good thing that we had gotten everything done that was truly important. I could let them have a day to celebrate the holidays with their office family. Our Christmas parties were somewhat unique. I didn’t believe in taking them away from their families unless it was absolutely necessary, so we closed the office early in order to have the party. The members of their family that could come usually did, but they were home by the time the workday normally ended.
It’s too bad that I can’t invite Elly. She might actually enjoy it.
Elly’s party was going to start not long after mine ended, and it seemed to be a little more formal than the one at Alexander Software. It was more of a work event than a party for the family and plus ones weren’t really encouraged. That seemed odd to me, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone how to run their company. I had done business with the CEO of Thornton Advertising a couple of times, and he was well respected in the industry, even if he lost a lot of talent because he didn’t pay them what they were worth.
Maybe I can see Elly tonight if she’s not busy.
Ian: Hey, I’m about to head home for the day. Can I see you tonight?
Elly: I’d love that! I just need to go home and wrap my present for the party tomorrow.
Ian: It came?
Elly: Yep! Just in time…
Ian: Good. Did you
get me anything yet?
Elly: I have a pretty good idea what I’m going to give you. Did you get mine?
Ian: I’m picking it up on the way home.
Elly: Do I get it early? :)
Ian: That’s no fun.
Elly: You can’t blame me for asking!
Ian: Why don’t we meet at my house in two hours? I’ll pick up Famous Sid’s if you want.
Elly: That would be awesome!
Ian: Okay, I’ll see you there.
I didn’t know if I would just get to spend a few hours with Elly or if she would spend the night in my arms, but I was certainly hoping that she would. I certainly wasn’t going to complain if it led to more than that, even if all I got was another taste of her cherry. I stopped at Famous Sid’s on the way to my house and picked up our order. Elly wasn’t at my house when I arrived, so I changed into comfortable clothes and set the table. It seemed a little silly to set the table for a sandwich, but it was just instinct for me. My family always did it, whether we were having a home-cooked meal or take-out. I heard a car outside and walked to the window to confirm that it was Elly. The sight of her stepping out of her car was enough to make my heart skip in my chest.
“Hello beautiful.” I opened the door with a smile on my face.
“Hi!” She looked up at me and smiled.
I pulled Elly into a tight embrace, and we kissed so long that the room started to get cold because I didn’t even bother to close the door. I finally broke the seal that our lips formed and pushed the door closed. I wanted another taste of her lips, but we were both pretty hungry, so we decided to have dinner first. I led Elly into the dining room and pulled out her chair. Neither of us were really in the mood for wine, so I poured two glasses of tea. I felt like I could use a little boost from the caffeine anyway after having a rather long day at the office.
“So what would you like to do tonight?” I lifted my tea to my lips and took a sip.
Her Secret Santa Page 16