I continued to watch the little boy who wasn’t mine but felt like he should be.
They both felt like mine last night when they fell asleep in my arms, which was crazy for me to think because they weren’t. They weren’t mine. They both hadn’t even been in my life that long for me to feel that way.
I guess feelings were feelings. Sometimes you can control them, sometimes you can’t.
This was one occasion where I must, because I could complicate things for him too and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Turning, I walked away and left.
Fuck knows what my explanation would be when I saw Laila later at work.
Since it was still early, I thought I’d go home, get cleaned up and change, then meet Ryan at the coffeehouse.
He was a man after my own heart with early starts.
Laila was right to be shocked when I’d told her I’d been at work since seven that first day. The me of the past would never do that.
It was a more recent thing I’d gotten into over the last four years.
Ryan and I helped break each other into it because we realized that the early hours of the morning were when we were going to be able to get serious work done, especially when my workload increased. I was two years older than him and two years ahead in the medical world. There was a period of time during the end of my residency when things were so crazy busy that we barely saw each other. Then he experienced the same madness nearing the end of his residency.
So now that we were both on the other side we made up for lost time.
Since Laila came back, I’d felt that I’d needed to see him more than he needed to see me.
I’d always had Brad to turn to with my women trouble, but obviously not when it came to the woman that mattered most.
I’d placed myself at the back of the coffeehouse and saw Ryan the minute he parked out front.
It was only six but, like me, the man looked like he’d already lived through a full day. He didn’t have that groggy, just-woke-up look most people sported around us.
He smiled when he saw me, made his way over, and sat in the chair opposite me.
“Okay, let’s hear it,” he began.
“What? Can’t I just meet up for coffee and talk about the weather?” I smirked.
“No, not your style. Not mine either. We don’t talk shit about the weather. Please let’s never be those brothers who do that. I would hate that with a fiery vengeance.” He shook his head and scowled.
I laughed. “Okay Ryan, noted. I do need to talk but now that I’ve seen you I think what I may need more is a therapist who can set me straight and tell me to leave well enough alone because I could tangle things up in a mess of shit.”
He stilled when I said that and gave me a knowing look. “You slept with her, didn’t you?”
I prayed it was just him I looked so obvious to. I couldn’t walk into work with the just-had-sex look and face Brad. He would just know I’d been with Laila. He would. I could count on him in that respect to know. He wouldn’t even consider that I might have been with anybody else.
I brought my hand to my head. “Ryan…what the hell am I going to do?”
“What do you want to do? We’re far too old for this shit. She’s not little anymore, she’s almost thirty. The lines between age blur when you get past a certain age. The point is neither of you have to answer to Brad.”
“We do though. We both work for him and I’m her boss. She really wants the job. She said so herself. She wants to get back on her feet and rebuild.”
I remembered how she looked at me when she’d said it. The tear that slid down her cheek showed me how badly she wanted it and in that moment I wanted to do everything to make sure she pushed herself to get it, and didn’t feel like she was any less qualified than Kirk.
“If it was me, I’d play it by ear. You separate work from how you feel. See how that goes.”
“Time then?” Time like the missing years I’d wanted her and never had her?
“Maybe.”
I brought my hands together.
Maybe what I needed to do was tell her that we should just keep things professional. It would be best for her if we did that.
Even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do.
This time she deserved the chance to rebuild herself.
She deserved all that she wanted.
* * *
I went to work with my mind primed with all that I’d rehearsed.
Today was supposed to be the first real day of work and what I wanted to lay out was that I’d help Laila with her research as promised, and we’d just focus on that.
That was the plan.
But I was thrown upon entering my office and seeing Brad standing by my bookshelf, looking over the award I’d won a few years back for my research on cerebrovascular disease.
He turned around and a smile inched up his mouth.
We hadn’t really gotten together and spoken since that day in his office. He pissed me off then and he was pissing me off now for coming into my office without me being here.
Normally, I’d push my irritation out of my mind. For some reason, today felt different. It had the same effect as catching someone in your room. I wouldn’t do that to him but this was one of those things he did that grated me the wrong way.
“Morning.” He gave me a thin smile.
“Hey,” I answered, looking him over. I was surprised with myself, to be honest. I didn’t feel that tension I felt the first time I told him about me and Laila years ago.
The tension and anxiety I felt now wasn’t about him in that respect.
“I came by to see how you were doing. Haven’t spoken to you in days,” he stated.
“I’m good. Everything’s cool.” Part of me wanted to question him. It made me want to lean on the side that he might be checking up on me to see if I’d been dipping my hand in the forbidden honey pot. I almost wanted to tell him I had.
“Cool…look Cole, I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for last week when I said you’d make things worse for Laila. That was harsh and I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. I know you’re like me and you’ll do what’s best for her when it comes down to it. You wouldn’t want to make things worse or…make them harder for her, especially working together.”
I simply stared at him.
He must have thought I was stupid. Must be that if he thought I couldn’t see through the shit he was actually trying to say to me.
I’ll do what’s best for Laila and not make things worse because we work together.
Translation: Remember to stay away from her and not complicate things because we have to work together and I don’t want any drama or shit happening to make me look bad.
His sister and his best friend.
“I got it Brad,” I decided to say, to let him know I knew what he was really trying to tell me and that I accepted the warning. The subtle but shit attempt at reverse psychology.
“Good, cool. Well I’ll see you later. Maybe we could grab dinner tonight?”
Dinner?
Yeah right. I couldn’t be around him when I was like this.
“I’ll be busy gardening.” Of course, I was being sarcastic and he knew. We’ve known each other since we were infants. The man knew when I was pissed and when not to push me.
“Okay, enjoy your gardening. Maybe we can catch up for a bite at some point this week.” His dark brown eyes took on a cold edge.
I decided to dip my head for a curt nod.
He was still my boss here. Had to remember that.
I watched him go through the door and when it clicked shut I walked over to the edge of my desk and sat down on it.
This day was going to be one very long day.
What worried me was what would happen next.
Laila would be here in an hour.
Laila
I’d contemplated skipping today and maybe skipping the rest of my life too. or at least skipping the parts that were supposed to foll
ow after last night. The parts with Cole I knew full well would happen.
I knew so I shouldn’t have been surprised to wake up and find he’d left. I shouldn’t be surprised at all. Or hurt.
It’s like getting an injection. You know you’ll feel that prick when it breaks the skin, and it will hurt, but you still jump anyway and wince at the pain when it happens.
That was how I felt but magnified by a million.
I’d sat in my bed for hours contemplating and figuring out what I was going to do and say when I saw Cole today.
Usually I’d be dressed and ready to go when Delia got here, but not today. When she got here bright and early, I was just rolling out of bed. She even asked me if I was feeling well.
I decided that since I knew what Cole’s departure meant I needed to man up and drag my ass to work and keep on track. That part was what gave me strength.
It gave me the strength I needed to push away all the emotions I thought I’d laid to rest for Cole. They were dug up last night. All of them resurfaced and left me high and dry, vulnerable to weakness.
I wasn’t the girl I’d been years ago. I couldn’t just crumble, hide away in my room, and cry.
I had Peter and this job was important for both of us.
The situation with the job itself taught me that I couldn’t rely on Brad either.
All I had was me and that had to be enough. I had to be enough.
So, I walked into the lab with my head high and into the meeting room with my head even higher when I saw Kirk already inside with his notebook.
Cole wanted us to meet here first thing every day for a little meeting, then we’d go off to our respective areas. Kirk was placed on robotics because of his interest in bioengineering, and I worked with the nanotech team with the view that the visits to St. Michael’s would align me with the team currently doing the clinical trials.
Aside from the research project part of the trial was assessments of how well we worked with the other researchers on our teams. We had a supervisor who was recording our progress. I knew I’d be fine with that part because it was pretty much doing what I did back in LA. What worried me was working with Cole on the one-to-one basis I was so grateful for last week.
What the hell was I going to do now?
Peter gave me his usual asshole fake smile when I stepped in and I just looked at him. I couldn’t be like that. Fake.
If I liked you, I liked you. When I didn’t, you’d know and there would be no need to be fake between each other.
It was exactly how I’d planned to be for the next six months. Stiff and brazen faced so this guy would know I wasn’t some weak woman he could talk to in the shitty way he spoke to me at that first meeting.
Today too, I was in no damn mood.
“Morning,” he beamed, looking me over.
“Good morning,” I answered, taking the seat next to him. I full well planned to ignore his ass, take out my phone, and pretend to be checking my messages. But he seemed to want to engage in conversation today.
“You know it’s funny, people say the world is small. I didn’t agree before, but I do now for sure.”
“Okay…” I gave him a pointed stare because I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
“The world is even smaller when you know a lot of people.” He chuckled. “I’m sure you looked me up so I took the liberty of doing some digging on you. I apologize for my remarks at our first meeting. You are quite the genius. Had to have been to go to Stanford.”
The more I looked at him the more ominous his comment sounded. There was no way he was apologizing or complimenting me for anything. This wasn’t that at all and I could see through the shit.
“Kirk, is there something you want to say to me? I’m a pretty blunt kind of girl. I don’t have time for riddles, and not with you.” Again, I actually surprised myself. I didn’t think I would be able to be so harsh with him. He deserved it though.
His laughter surprised me. “Yeah, actually there is a lot I wanted to say to you Miss Hughes. I have friends at Stanford and word has it that Porter Hughes got booted for sleeping with his student. Her name was Gina French. The thing was he was married…had married one of his students who was, at the time, doing her PhD. You.”
The bravado I felt only moments ago just evaporated from me. It drifted away like smoke in the wind. There one minute, gone the next, and all I could do was hold his gaze.
“Was sleeping with the good professor how you got your masters?” he crooned.
“How dare you?” I snapped.
“Oh, I do dare.”
“My private life has nothing to do with you,” I said.
“Actually, it does. Your brother is the medical director here so you got in easy, and don’t think I haven’t seen you making eyes at Cole. I know what you’re up to. Women like you…ugh, I know your kind. You use your looks and your body to fool men into giving you what you want. That is why this is my business. Women like you give the hardworking women of this world a bad name, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
“You have no right to say that to me. None whatsoever…you don’t know me.”
“I don’t need to. I’m just telling you this job is mine. You won’t use your tactics to screw me over. No, that will not happen one bit. I accept your intelligence; what I won’t accept is the way you conduct yourself, sleeping around to get what you want. It’s pathetic, and you’re a mother too. Have some self-respect. Don’t act like some slut who sleeps around so she can move up in the world.”
I was so choked up I couldn’t answer. The worst thing I could do was cry in front of him. Showing weakness like that would be the end.
He really did make me sound like a slut. What did I expect though?
I had an affair with Porter, my professor, and people knew. People knew everything about us.
I was with Porter, and what did I do only last night?
I slept with Cole.
My boss.
As if on cue, the door to the meeting room opened and Cole came in.
When his gaze landed on me first I knew instantly that him leaving this morning was the same reason he didn’t want me years ago.
It was a bad idea for us to be together.
He was right.
This time he was right.
“Guys, here are the sheets that list all the things that have to be checked for your units on a daily basis,” Cole stated.
He kept his face stern through the whole meeting. Half an hour that felt like five to me.
He handed each of us a file folder.
“At the end of every week I’d like you to send in a report to me just so I know how you’re doing in your departments. Of course, if you have any problems between now and then, don’t hesitate to contact me.”
He did well to keep a straight face and assume work mode effortlessly. I didn’t think I could do it even without the hollow feeling that had taken up residence inside me since Kirk said what he did.
I couldn’t do it at all, and I didn’t know how I was holding it together now. Holding back the tears that threatened to break through.
Holding on to me. The part of me that found strength to get here this morning.
I kept thinking of Peter. My little Peter. I just wished every time I thought of my little boy, I didn’t think of how happy he was yesterday with Cole.
He didn’t even bond like that to Brad. It was just my luck that it was Cole he’d taken a shine to.
“Great, any questions?” Cole asked, looking from me to Kirk.
“Just one,” Kirk said.
“Fire away.”
“Thank you. I know you’ll be taking Laila to St. Michael’s on Wednesday. I wondered why the offer hadn’t been extended to me. I’d like to go to the hospital too.”
Prick. He was really fishing around to get under my damn skin.
Cole straightened up and glared at him.
“There was no reason why the offer wasn’t extended to you other th
an that the robotics team here have all the resources on site that you require for your research.” Cole continued to give him a cold, hard stare. I always knew when he was pissed off. He was very much that now. “The trials and case studies all take place on site right here. St. Michael’s does not have that and they refer patients here for the treatment offered by the facility. Laila, on the other hand, will need to go to St. Michael’s for her clinical trials data because the research unit there has patients who are currently undergoing those trials.”
“Oh, right. I just wondered. And will you be accompanying her on these visits? Will she be traveling with you?” Kirk pressed. I glared at him but he avoided eye contact. “I simply want to know just in case you’re away and I need you for something.”
To my surprise Cole smirked.
“Kirk, I give you credit for your tact. You’re the second person today who’s made the mistake of trying to be tactful with me. You know what? I’m gonna be the levelheaded professional and first of all remind you that I own your ass while you’re on this trial, and then I’ll answer your question.”
Cole stood and Kirk’s face fell. The smug expression receded into his hairline and he looked at Cole now with caution.
“I go to St. Michael’s every Wednesday for half the day. Miss Hughes will start her day there so no, we won’t be driving in the same car, and I won’t accompany her per se, but since I’m quite the expert on nanotech I’ll be offering her my assistance,” Cole explained further.
I knew again from experience that it was the times when Cole was calm that you should be worried.
It made me wonder who pissed him off before Kirk did.
“Right, I see,” Kirk answered. “I simply wondered. I mistakenly thought you were an expert in only the neurosciences. Haven’t heard much about you doing nanotech on a higher level.”
“Oh yes, for sure. Started out that way funnily enough. I guess you haven’t done your research though. I’m the best person to help her, having written many articles on nanotech in conjunction with the neurosciences and bioengineering that you’ll find in a variety of medical journals I wrote after I got my PhD…which seems to be a couple of years before you got yours. While I’m away you’ll have help. If you need me day or night you can call, same as her. You have the same number as her. That all okay?”
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