Her arms timidly came around my waist and she snuggled into me like she was cold. I ran my fingers up and down her bare arms, warming her, and her skin pebbled where I touched it. Her cheeks turned rosier the longer we stared at each other; the flushed look was very alluring. Mixed with her wild hair and slightly askew clothes, it looked like she’d just had sex. I tried to shift my focus, but before I could, a picture of Kiera clutching my back and moaning my name popped into my head. I shoved it aside as I reached over and grabbed the coffee mug I’d poured for her. Regardless of how nice it felt to touch her, it was not okay to go there.
A peaceful smile on my face, I held the mug out for her. “Coffee?” I asked, knowing she would eagerly want some.
Her eyes sparkled as she let me go to gingerly take the mug I was offering. I held in a sad sigh at the fact that she was no longer touching me. But, surprisingly enough, it didn’t end there. After showering and getting ready for the day, Kiera came down with a book and read beside me while I worked on lyrics. She rested her head against my shoulder as I scribbled down random thoughts. After a while, I put my free arm around her shoulders. All she did was let out a happy sigh and cuddle farther into my side. I could have died happy right then and there.
The cuddling continued throughout the week. We hugged in the morning, sometimes for as long as it took the pot to brew, and I would spend what felt like an eternity gently rocking her to the rhythm of the coffee percolating. Holding hands, we’d watch TV before her shift. Whenever we did, I had no recollection of anything we’d watched. Her fingers on my skin were my only concern. On the nights we had off together, I’d skip going out with the guys and we’d stay in, order a pizza, and watch a movie. I’d have my arm around Kiera while she sat with her legs stretched along the cushions. She’d rest her head on my shoulder and I’d close my eyes, content. As long as neither of us brought it up, we could pretend nothing was wrong with what we were doing.
While Kiera and I were pretty snuggly at home, we kept our distance at work. I didn’t want people to gossip about her, and I didn’t want Evan to question me about her. I didn’t want people to think about us one way or the other. Plus, our intimate moments of connection were private. Nobody needed to know about them but us. The only time I even touched her more than a casual acquaintance might was when Griffin started a dance fest in the bar and made a move on her. Then I intervened.
I did feel guilty whenever Denny called; he wouldn’t like what was going on behind his back. And listening to Kiera talk to him was a painful reminder that everything between Kiera and me was temporary. Things would change the minute Denny returned. She would cuddle with him, not me, and that was the way it should be. But still, every day there was a clock ticking in my brain, warning me that all of this was stopping soon, and I should end it now before I got too attached. Too late for that though; I was already addicted to being near her.
“I don’t feel like going home. Let’s go kick it at Kellan’s.”
Hearing my name, I lifted my head to stare at Griffin. He was smiling at me and nodding, like the suggestion he’d just made was the most profound statement ever spoken by a human being. We’d just played a gig downtown, and Evan and I were struggling to load Evan’s drum into Griffin’s van. We set it down with a grunt, and I tried my best to keep the irritation off my face. So far, Griffin’s contribution to “cleaning up” had consisted of playing air guitar and signing autographs. Unsolicited autographs.
“Why my place? We have to take this crap back to Evan’s, we could just hang there.”
Evan clapped my shoulder in answer. “Can’t. I’ve got a date, man.”
I blinked at him in surprise. “It’s two in the morning.”
He shrugged as he moved some cymbals into position. “Time waits for no one, Kell.”
I frowned as I considered how true that statement was. “Okay, well…Kiera will be asleep by the time we get back there, so you two will have to be quiet.” I pointed at Matt and Griffin. Matt shrugged; Griffin rubbed his palms together while a maniacal smile grew on his face. I shifted my attention to just him. “If you so much as open her door, I’ll kick your ass.”
Griffin frowned, then pouted. “Your sense of bandmateship is skewed. Aren’t we supposed to share everything?” He shrugged.
Evan, Matt, and I answered him at the same time. “No.”
Evan and I laughed while Matt added, “No one wants to share anything you’ve got, cuz. In fact, you should probably share a little less, so that crap doesn’t spread throughout all of Seattle.”
Griffin gave Matt a dour glare. “You’re so fucking funny my sides hurt.”
With a completely straight face, Matt told him, “Syphilis is no laughing matter, dude.”
Griffin looked around for something to toss at his cousin, but the only thing near him was his guitar. He settled on kicking a pebble on the street toward Matt’s general vicinity. “I don’t have that shit. I’m totally fucking clean, man. I just got tested last week.” While Matt laughed at him, Griffin frowned in confusion. “And why the fuck would I have that? I drink orange juice every day.”
We all stopped what we were doing and stared at him, dumbfounded. What the hell was he talking about? Matt was the one who figured it out first. Leaning over he was laughing so hard, he sputtered, “Syphilis, dumbass. Not scurvy.”
Griffin still looked confused, but Evan and I were laughing hysterically at this point too. Griffin flipped us off, then stormed to the driver’s seat to pout while we finished putting everything away. So much for bandmateship.
We dropped our stuff off, then headed to my place. As a precaution, I made Griffin tiptoe as he entered my house; he was generally about as quiet as a freight train. He glared at me as he exaggerated small footsteps. When those footsteps started leading him upstairs, I snapped my fingers and pointed at the ground. “I have to pee,” he whispered.
I pointed down the hallway that led past my kitchen. “Use the other one.”
He stood up straight. “You have another bathroom?”
Rolling my eyes, I shoved him in the right direction. Matt and I grabbed ourselves some beer from the fridge. Griffin grabbed one when he was done peeing, then made a beeline for my TV. Matt and I exchanged shrugs and followed him. We made ourselves comfortable, Matt on the chair, me on the couch, and sipped our beers while Griffin looked for something smutty to watch.
Griffin was still flipping through the channels when he suddenly twisted his head and looked back at the stairs. “Kiera! Hey, sex kitty! Nice PJs.”
Turning to look, I saw Kiera stepping off the last stair. Just as Griffin had said, she was in her pajamas, with a wild case of bed head. She looked worn, maybe a little upset too. One of us, aka Griffin, must have woken her up. Oops. She seemed a little unsure if she should continue into the living room, but it was too late at this point. Griffin had spotted her.
I gave her an apologetic smile. “Hey, sorry. We didn’t mean to wake you.”
She shrugged her shoulders as she slowly walked toward us. “You didn’t…bad dream.”
I mentally frowned, wondering what her dream had been about. Hoping she didn’t want to go right back to bed, I gave her a smile and lifted my bottle. “Beer?” Even though it was late, I’d love to spend some time with her. Maybe I could take her mind off her nightmare.
“Sure.”
Delighted, I headed to the kitchen to grab her one. She was still standing when I got back, so I nodded to the couch. Still irritated at his lack of good porn, Griffin sat down at the same time. He took the spot closest to the table so he could set his beer down and really concentrate on his smut surfing. Before I could even wonder if Kiera would want to sit next to him, she darted over to the far cushion. With an amused shake of my head, I took the middle seat. I could have safely bet money that Kiera wouldn’t willingly sit by Griffin.
I sat down as close to her as possible. She cuddled right into my side, like she belonged there. Pulling her feet up, she angled her le
gs into me. Wanting to touch her and keep her warm, I wrapped an arm around her legs. I probably wouldn’t have if Evan were here with us, but luckily for me, he had a date. I playfully bumped Kiera’s shoulder, and she smiled before she rested her head against my shoulder. I almost sighed in contentment. Heaven.
Now that he didn’t have to be quiet, Griffin broke the silence. “You know, I’ve been thinking.”
Matt let out a Here we go groan and Kiera laughed; it was a beautiful sound. Griffin continued undaunted. “When this band breaks up…” Kiera lifted her head, surprised that Griffin would say that. I wasn’t. I’d heard a few of his “after the band” talks. His last post-D-Bags idea had been vagina waxer, so I was kind of curious what he was dreaming about doing now.
“I think I’ll do God-rock,” he finished.
Kiera spat out her beer and started coughing. I’d heard worse from Griffin, but I rolled my eyes and shook my head anyway. Matt turned to Griffin with a blank expression. “God-rock…you? Really.”
With his eyes still glued on the TV, Griffin smiled. “Yeah! All those hot, horny virgins. Are you kidding me?”
Griffin finally settled on something to watch while Kiera took long draws off her beer. The show Griffin had chosen was a typical Griffin choice. There was a guy ramming it into a girl who was moaning and groaning like his wild thrusting actually felt good. It must have been some space-themed porn, because they were going at it on the bridge of a starship. And for some odd reason, they were both wearing helmets that I assumed were meant to be used in outer space. Why they had them on indoors made no sense…
While I was being distracted by an inconsequential detail, Kiera beside me was staring into her beer like she’d dropped something important down the bottleneck. Wondering if she was okay with this ridiculous movie, I watched her curiously for a second.
Her cheeks were flushed with color, showing through in even the relatively dim lighting of the room. She was embarrassed, that much was clear. Had she not noticed the stupid antennas on the helmets? She wouldn’t be nearly as self-conscious if she saw how silly it all was. But she obviously couldn’t get past the intimacy of the sex act being performed.
Wanting to give her an out, I leaned over and asked, “Are you uncomfortable?”
She immediately shook her head. With how hard she shook it, I could tell she didn’t want me to think this bothered her. I didn’t know why it mattered to her what I thought about it. If she wanted to leave, I understood. Watching people have sex was odd. Hot, but odd.
I started picturing Kiera in the scene. Without the weird green people and stupid helmets though. I pictured her alone…with me. I imagined kissing her ear, licking her neck, sucking on her nipple. I imagined it was my fingers sliding inside her body, feeling how wet she was, how ready she was for me…I took a sip of my beer, ran my tongue over my lower lip, then, wishing it was Kiera touching me, I dragged my teeth over the sensitive skin. God, this stupid porn was making me hard. I should stop watching it, and I should definitely stop thinking about Kiera that way.
I heard a soft moan escape Kiera. Unlike the sounds coming from the TV, the noise she’d made was real. That was when I remembered that she was still here, beside me…and I was touching her. My eyes shifted to take her in. She was staring at me, not the movie. Her lips were parted, her breath was faster. Blood surged through my body, raising my heartbeat, quickening my breath, hardening my cock. I tried to remember why I couldn’t lean over and suck her bottom lip into my mouth. I tried to remember why I couldn’t reach over and feel the nipple poking through her tank top. Why I couldn’t lay her down and take her. And at the moment, I couldn’t recall anything but how much I loved her skin against mine.
I wanted her. Now.
My eyes flashed to her full lips. They were beckoning me, calling me, drawing me to them. I brushed my tongue against my lower lip again, but it was her tongue I wanted touching me. I bet she tasted good. I bet she felt good. I wanted to find out. I’d never wanted anything more in my life. My eyes rose to hers again, and I saw the heat there as she stared at me. She wanted me to kiss her. She wanted me to taste her. I’d almost say she wanted it as much as I did. My body strained against my clothes, begging me to do it. Just do it.
I returned my gaze to her lips and let them draw me in. Yes…please…kiss me. Her breath quickened the closer I came to her; I could see her chest rising and falling, could feel the air against my cheek. Her body squirmed under my touch. I bet she was wet. I bet she was ready. For me. But…no…she wasn’t mine.
Like my skull had been slammed against a brick wall, I suddenly remembered why I couldn’t touch her. Denny. She was Denny’s, and he was my best friend. Fuck. I had to stop this. It was so hard to stop though. Everything between us felt electrified. Every point of contact between us felt on fire. Instead of pressing my lips to hers, I touched my forehead to hers and only let our noses meet. The tease I’d just given myself went straight to my groin, sending an ache of pleasure through me. Fuck, I didn’t want to stop.
A whimper escaped Kiera’s lips that only made it harder for me not to lower my mouth to hers. She started raising her chin, searching for me. Fuck, this was going to happen if I didn’t do something soon. When I could just feel her lip brushing mine, I twisted away so my face ran along her cheek. I groaned in blissful torture. Fuck. I needed her. I needed to feel her, touch her, pleasure her, be with her. I was going to betray Denny. I was going to ruin everything, because I had no fucking willpower whatsoever.
My nose still resting along her cheek, I took two panicked breaths. I was trying to calm my body, to return to my senses. Kiera melted against me like she was losing hers. Her body shifted toward mine, her hand dropped to my thigh, her head turned toward my mouth. I knew I didn’t have the strength to turn away again. If her lips made their way to mine, she would find me eager and willing. Screw Denny. Screw Matt and Griffin. I’d throw her down on the floor and we’d have sex right along with the stupid-ass movie.
And she’d never forgive me. I’d never forgive myself.
I clenched her hand on my thigh and ran my mouth to her ear. “Come with me,” I whispered. My body desperately wanted her to “come” with me, but that wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it.
Standing, I led her to the kitchen. I knew I would need to be in complete control to do this, so I pictured everything I could to turn myself off. Denny. How good they were together, how much they belonged together. The look on his face when he’d asked me to not touch her. The look that I knew would be on his face if he knew I had betrayed his trust. Denny sparing me from my parents’ wrath. Denny standing up for me, taking a hit for me. Denny. My brother, by virtue if not blood. I couldn’t do this to him.
I was more or less put together by the time we reached the kitchen. I could still hear that fucking movie in the background, but I ignored it. Releasing Kiera, I set down my beer, walked over to the cabinet, and started preparing a glass of water for her. She was still breathing heavily, confused and frustrated, as I took her beer and handed her the glass of water with a peaceful smile. As she took it, she seemed embarrassed too. She’d probably expected something much different to happen in here.
She took deep, calming breaths, then downed her water like she hadn’t had any all day. I felt bad that she was embarrassed; that hadn’t been her fault. That was mine. I’d gotten carried away, taken things too far. I shouldn’t have leaned in…I shouldn’t have been touching her to begin with. And I definitely shouldn’t have been playing my own porno in my head, with the pair of us as the stars.
There was no good way to apologize for that though, so instead I said, “Sorry about the movie choice…” I made myself laugh when she looked back up at me. Keep it light. “Griffin is, well…Griffin.” I shrugged. Not wanting her to say anything that might lead to a conversation I didn’t want to have, I asked, “You seemed upset earlier on the stairs. You want to talk about your dream?”
I leaned back against the counter and
crossed my arms over my chest, feigning casualness. When all else fails, fake it. Kiera’s brows drew together as she took in my posture. She still seemed shaken, embarrassed, and really confused. “I don’t remember it…just that it was bad.”
“Oh.” I was suddenly struck with a bout of guilt and grief. Her dream had to have been about me then. I was causing her pain, and I’d just made it worse by caving in to my desires for her. I needed her closeness, but I had to keep her at a distance. It was a fine line to walk, and I wasn’t sure that I could.
Upset herself, she set down her glass and started walking past me. “I’m tired…Good night, Kellan.”
It took everything in my power to not stop her and pull her in for a hug. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered.
After she left the room, I dropped my head into my hands. What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just let happen? I could have ruined everything. Slumping against the counter, I massaged the bridge of my nose where I could feel a massive headache forming. Maybe I already had ruined everything. I really wouldn’t know until tomorrow, when I saw Kiera again. For the first time in a long time, I never wanted tomorrow to come.
Its arrival was inevitable though. When dawn broke through my window, my eyes were already open. I hadn’t slept much, if at all. Last night had been way too close. I owed Denny more than that. So much more.
I was nervous when I went downstairs. Nerves weren’t something I suffered from a lot, so when I got them, they were almost crippling. I was scared that she’d want to “talk.” I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to pretend last night never happened. I wanted things to go back to normal. Well, our version of normal. I just wanted to hug her and not have it be weird. Maybe if I didn’t mention it, she’d think last night was just part of her dream. God, I hoped she hadn’t had a nightmare about me. I didn’t want to hurt her, not even in her head.
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