Kiera let out a ragged sigh and closed her eyes. She wasn’t saying no; she wanted me to do this. A groan escaped me as I kissed her upper lip. My tongue darted inside the warmth of her mouth. God yes, I’ve missed this. I’ve dreamed of this. I’ve wanted to have this again, so much. Yes, let me love you.
An erotic gasp left Kiera’s lips. It was a plea for more. She finally wanted more. One of my hands found her neck, and I pulled her into me for a kiss full of passion and promise. Yes, let me worship your body. Let me in…don’t push me away.
But that was exactly what she did. With both hands against my chest, she shoved me as far away from her as she could. No, she didn’t want this. And right after I’d promised her I’d do better. She was going to end this now. I’d gone too far.
I held my hands up, pleading. “I’m sorry. I thought…”
She stormed over to me, put one hand on my chest, one around my neck, and pulled me into her. Not sure what she was doing, I stopped talking and backed up a step. She pulled me into her again and stared me down. Her face was pure passion and desire. She wasn’t pushing me away. She wasn’t rejecting me. This was happening. We were going to be together again. We were going to make love again. Fuck, I wanted her so bad.
She ran her hands down to my pants and pulled on the loops of my jeans until our hips touched. Her body sent ripples of desire through mine. Yes. We were going to be together soon. We’d be tangled up in each other’s arms, naked, electrified. Her lips would be on mine, her tongue would trace the outline of my abs. My hands would feel every soft inch of her. My fingers would feel her wetness. And I would taste her before I entered her. I was going to take her, right here, right now…with Denny right next door.
Fuck.
“Kiera…?” I couldn’t say it. I could only glance toward her bedroom and hope she knew what I meant. Do you want to do this, when he’s right there, only a few feet away?
My actions broke through her fog of desire. I could see the indecision on her face, the instant pain and confusion, and I immediately wanted to take the question back. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, pull her onto my bed…do all the things I’d dreamed of doing with her, and forget all the reasons why we couldn’t. Reality could wait, I just wanted a moment of bliss to physically deepen our connection. But I’d already ruined it by ripping apart the illusion we’d constructed and allowing reality to crash down upon us, drowning us. There was no going back now.
Determination filled Kiera’s face, like she was fortifying herself. Before she even said the words, I knew she was finally putting a stop to this. Leaning into me, she breathed, “Don’t touch me again. I’m not yours.” Her eyes watered after she said it, like it cut her to be so blunt with me. But her resolve was firm, and after shoving me onto the bed, she fled from the room.
Stunned, crushed, and still hard with desire, I lay there on my mattress and grieved. I’d had her. For the briefest of seconds, I’d had her, then I’d lost her. She was gone, and we were over. She hadn’t said the words, but I knew…the innocence had been lost, and it couldn’t be returned, no matter how hard we tried. This farce was over.
Chapter 19
Jealousy
I didn’t sleep much. I kept thinking about Kiera and wondering what she was going to say the next time I saw her. I already knew what I would say—I’m sorry. I’ll do better. It was the only response I could think to give her, but I already knew it wouldn’t be enough.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I got up and went downstairs to make some coffee. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to be sick. What would she say? Would she end this?
When Kiera finally appeared, I instantly put a hand on her arm. “Kiera, I’m sorry. I went too far. I’ll be good.”
She brushed me away, and I knew it was the beginning of the end for us. “No, Kellan. We went way past innocent flirting a long time ago. We can’t go back to that time. We’re not those people anymore. It was a stupid idea to try.”
I was aware of that, but hearing her say it made a jolt of pain rip through me. It might not be innocent, it might not have ever been innocent, but I still wanted it. Right or wrong, she was all I could think about. “But…don’t end this, please.”
She looked pained and conflicted, but her answer was firm. “I have to, Kellan. Denny knows something’s not right. I don’t think he suspects what…or you…but he knows I’ve been distracted.” Biting her lip, she looked down. I could tell she didn’t want to say any of this, but she felt like she had no choice. “Denny and I haven’t…done anything…in a long time and he’s hurt. I’m hurting him.”
Grief and relief hit me at the same time. Denny was hurting…but they hadn’t been sleeping together every night. I looked down so she wouldn’t see that their abstinence pleased me. I had no right to be happy that Denny was miserable. “You don’t have to. I’ve never asked you to not…be with him. I know you two are going to…I told you, I understand.”
I hated this conversation. I really wanted to tell her that I was glad they weren’t doing anything. I didn’t want her touching Denny. But she wasn’t mine, and I had no right to put any stipulations on her. Whatever small part of herself she was willing to give to me was fine, so long as I got something.
My answer made her worn eyes even sadder; it was clear she’d slept about as little as I had. “I know, Kellan, but I’ve been so preoccupied, wrapped up in you…” She let out a heavy sigh. “I’m ignoring him.”
A surge of hope went through me, and it burned as it radiated around my heart. Grabbing her arms, I pulled her in close. I searched her eyes, looking for a glimpse of the love that I sometimes felt from her. “You’re wrapped up in me. What does that say, Kiera? You want to be with me. You want to be more than friends. Some part of you wants me too.” I know you have feelings for me. I know there’s something here between us. You begged me to stay.
Shutting me out, she closed her eyes. “Please, Kellan, you’re tearing me in two. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore.”
She was pushing me away, and it was hurting her; she didn’t really want to do this. She wanted me, and she didn’t want to end this any more than I wanted her to. “Kiera, look at me…please.” If she’d only open her eyes, see the sincerity on my face, then she wouldn’t end this. I love you. Don’t leave me.
Her eyes compressed so tightly together that her eyelashes interlaced. “No, I can’t, okay? This isn’t right, it doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel right. Just don’t, please don’t touch me anymore.”
She was lying. I knew she was. Nothing on earth felt more right than when we held each other. We were meant to be together. “Kiera, I know you don’t really feel that way.” Holding her to me, feeling that rightness wrap around me, I whispered in her ear, “I know you feel something here…” It just has to be love that you feel for me. It has to be…You cried for me.
She opened her eyes, but didn’t look at me. Gaze focused on my chest, she firmly pushed herself away from me. “No. I don’t want you. I want to be with him. I’m in love with him.”
Every word she spoke was like a chunk being torn out of my heart. I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to believe it, but…I knew she was telling the truth. I’d always known Denny was her choice. I couldn’t compete with him. I didn’t stand a chance.
Kiera finally looked up at me then. She had to see the agony on my face, but that didn’t stop her. With compassionate eyes, she finished ripping my heart to pieces. “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing for you, Kellan.”
I feel nothing for you? Nothing? So, she didn’t love me after all. There was nothing I could say to that, so I let her go and left the kitchen.
I couldn’t be in the house with her. Hearing her, seeing her…smelling her…it hurt too much. I felt numb, and I couldn’t believe that it was over. It was actually over. A part of me didn’t want to let go. I wanted to keep teasing her, riling her up, making her remember what we had together. But if she didn’t feel
anything for me, what was the point? I didn’t just want to be a good time to her, I wanted her to care. I thought she’d cared. I’d been so sure, but I was wrong.
Climbing into my car, I debated leaving again. I could run away, try to forget her. I knew I never would though. She would always be in my mind. From now until the day I died, I would be in love with her.
I went to Evan’s for rehearsal, then stayed there when everyone went to Pete’s afterward. I didn’t want to see Kiera. I couldn’t. Not yet. I was still processing everything she’d said. It seemed off somehow, and I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. With her heart and soul in her eyes, she’d asked me not to leave her. Her begging me to stay in that parking lot hadn’t been because she was merely attracted to me. There had been more going on. There had to have been. She wouldn’t risk her relationship with Denny over a charming smile.
I was staring up at Evan’s ceiling, pondering that, when I heard his door open. “Kell, you still here? What happened? I thought you said you’d be right behind us?”
Evan walked into his apartment with a naturally confused expression. Faking a yawn, I blinked and sat up on his couch. “What time is it?” I asked, my voice groggy. “I must have fallen asleep.”
When the guys had packed up their stuff and headed out to the bar, I’d told them I wanted to jot down some lyrics I’d just thought up, and I’d join them when I was done. Not wanting to mess with my creative process, they’d all given me the space I’d needed—no questions asked. I hadn’t written down a damn thing though; my mind was spinning way too fast for any decent lyric to pop out. I felt kind of bad about lying to the guys, but I couldn’t tell them I was avoiding Kiera. I couldn’t tell them anything.
Evan came over to the couch while I stretched out. “It’s pretty late. We ended up closing Pete’s.” He crooked a smile at me. “You missed Griffin getting shot down by a hot blonde. It was…amazing.” He laughed, then pointed to a notebook on the couch beside me. Yes, I’d brought props into my lie. “You finish what you were working on?”
Grabbing the notebook, I curled my fingers around it. “Yeah, almost.”
“Can I read it?” Evan seemed genuinely curious about a potential new song to start putting together, but I hadn’t written down anything.
With a frown, I lifted the notebook, but didn’t ease my grip on it. “It’s nowhere near ready. Soon though. I promise.”
Evan only nodded at my answer. He respected my process enough to not badger me about it. I appreciated that, and felt even guiltier. I’d have to scrap together a song soon so I wouldn’t be a complete and total liar.
Running a hand through my hair, I let out another yawn. “I’m beat. I better go home and get to bed.”
Clapping me on the shoulder, Evan let out a yawn as well. “Yeah, me too. Laughing my ass off was tiring.” He shook his head and started chuckling. “You should have been there, man. You missed out.”
Even though I didn’t feel like it, I made myself smile. “Yeah, sounds like I did.” I felt like I’d missed out on a lot of things. “Night, Evan.”
“Night.”
I took my time heading home. I stopped to get gas and picked up some groceries at a twenty-four-hour store. I even debated going back to that diner in Olympia. I didn’t though. Eventually, I sucked it up and went back home. Kiera and Denny were asleep when I got there. Not wanting to wake anyone, and being careful to avoid the couple of spots that always creaked, I put away my things and then tiptoed up the stairs. I couldn’t make sense of my life anymore. What seemed up was down, what seemed right was wrong. When did the world get so confusing? Or had it always been this way, and I was only now catching up?
Sleep was difficult. I kept seeing Kiera repeating over and over, “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing…” Then my father would appear. He’d laugh at me, then say, “I told you she was too good for you.”
I woke up after only a few hours and decided to get up. Having Kiera and my father reject me wasn’t exactly restful. I’d rather be tired.
When Kiera entered the kitchen, I was already at the table, sipping my coffee. She seemed relieved to see me, and guilty too. I wondered what exactly she felt guilty about—leading me on, or telling me the truth. Then I decided it didn’t matter. What was done was done. I’d never expected this to last anyway.
I watched her as she sat down across from me. She seemed nervous, like she wasn’t sure how I’d react to her. I didn’t blame her for feeling unsure. I’d been all over the place with her. Way up, and way down. Right now…I was just numb.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“Hey,” I said back. I set down my coffee cup, and an ache filled me to touch her. I just wanted to hold her fingers, stroke them. It had only been a day since she’d ended things, but I already missed her.
Neither one of us spoke again and tension filled the room. It was like we were both suffering from the stress of restraint. Or maybe I was just hoping that it was killing her not to touch me. Maybe she was fine, and I was the only one struggling. She seemed stressed though.
Suddenly, she blurted out, “My sister is coming in tomorrow. Denny and I are going to pick her up from the airport in the morning.”
I blinked, then nodded. I’d almost forgotten about her sister’s visit. “Oh…right.” Not wanting anyone to be inconvenienced by my presence, I told her, “I can crash at Matt’s. She can stay in my room.” Then you won’t have to feel guilty when you look at me.
“No…you don’t have to do that. It’s not necessary.” She paused, and her eyes grew heavy with sadness. “Kellan, I hate how we left things.”
I couldn’t keep watching her eyes, so I shifted my gaze to the table. “Yeah…me too.”
“I don’t want this…weirdness…between us. Can we…can we still be friends? Truly, just friends?”
Dark humor on my lips, I looked up at her then. “Are you really giving me the ‘let’s be friends’ speech?”
She grinned, and my heart ached a little. She was so beautiful, and so out of reach. “Yeah…I guess I am.”
Could I be friends with her again? What did that entail anyway? Weren’t we friends before she’d pulled the plug on us? No, we were never really friends. We were always slightly above that. And now, any sort of friendship was buried so far in our past, there was no way to retrieve it. I couldn’t be her friend when she was my entire world, it would hurt too much, but…what choice did I have? I’d take anything she’d give me. Anything. Even this.
I was gathering my courage to tell her that we could be whatever she wanted us to be when she interrupted. “I should probably warn you about my sister.”
The sudden shift in the conversation derailed my train of thought. I tried to understand what she meant by her comment, then I remembered what she’d said about her sister a few weeks ago. Pointing to myself, I said, “I remember…man-flavored candy.” According to Kiera, her sister was pretty much going to attack me. Well, she couldn’t be much worse than the aggressive fans at the bar. I was sure I could handle her.
Kiera shook her head. “No…I mean yes, but that’s not what I was thinking of.”
“Oh?” I asked, curious what else there could be.
Looking away, Kiera’s cheeks tinted pink, like she was embarrassed to be telling this to me. “She’s kind of…well…She’s very beautiful,” she said with a sigh.
No surprise there. “I figured she was.” Kiera’s eyes snapped to mine, and I quietly added, “She’s related to you…right?”
She gave me a put-out sigh. “Kellan…”
“I know. Friends.” I had to accept that friendship was all she could give me. The thought made my soul ache though.
Kiera’s eyes were sympathetic. She didn’t want to hurt me, and I knew that. “Are you still coming with us to the club?”
Why? What purpose would that serve? “You still want me to?” I asked, averting my eyes.
“Yes, of course. We’re still friends, Kellan, and my sister expec
ts…”
Understanding hit me and I looked back at her. Of course. I couldn’t forget about the charade we had going on. “Right, we wouldn’t want her asking the wrong questions,” I said, my voice rough. So there it was, the real reason Kiera was smoothing things over with me right now. Not because she felt bad that she’d hurt me, but because she didn’t want her sister suspicious. Because then her sister might talk to Denny, and that was the last thing Kiera wanted. I should have known. It always circled back to Denny.
“Kellan—”
“I’ll be there, Kiera.” Don’t you worry about it. I don’t want Denny to know either.
Finishing my coffee, I stood up. There was nothing more to talk about here. I started to leave, but Kiera harshly snapped my name and I turned to look at her. What could she possibly be mad about?
“Remember your promise,” she said, her voice hot.
My promise? That I wouldn’t sleep with her sister? Why would I want to sleep with the girl who was nothing to me but a poor substitute of the person I really wanted to be with? Why would I torture myself like that? And what did it really matter to her anyway, since she didn’t have any feelings for me?
I thought about biting her head off with some asshole comment, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted anything anymore, besides her, of course. Memories of holding Kiera in my arms flooded me. I’d never felt such peace in all my life. And now it was gone. My warmth had been ripped away and my insides felt ice cold. Shaking my head, I told her, “I haven’t forgotten anything, Kiera.”
The day dragged by with a slowness that was aggravating. Kiera and I were being cordial, but there was distance between us, and sadness. I’d spent most of the day in a zombielike state of numbness—not angry, not sad. Truly, I think I was in denial. I couldn’t face reality yet, so I let a veil of melancholy blanket me. It was hard to feel bad when I wasn’t letting myself feel anything at all.
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