Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  I debated what I wanted to do. Seeing Kiera was a great option, an almost undeniable draw, but there was something else I wanted. A song was only part of my goodbye. “No, there’s something else I need to do tonight. Want to help me with one last thing?”

  Evan sighed, but nodded. “Sure, man. What are we doing?”

  Knowing he wouldn’t expect my answer, I crooked a grin. “We’re going shopping.”

  Evan closed his eyes. “Shit.” I was laughing when he cracked an eye open. “You realize how much you owe me, right?”

  I clapped him on the back as I stood up. “Yes, I’m basically your bitch for the next year.”

  “Damn right, you are,” he muttered as he stood up and grabbed his coat. “All right, let’s do this.” On his way out the door, he tossed out, “I’m driving the Chevelle though.”

  “Fuck that,” I answered. Nobody drove my baby but me.

  Smiling, Evan turned to me with an outstretched hand. “You owe me, remember?”

  My jaw dropped. “Serious?” He made no reaction, just smiled wider. With a frown, I reached into my coat and grabbed my keys. Feeling like I was handing over my firstborn, I placed them in his palm. “We’re now even,” I murmured.

  Evan laughed as he clenched his fingers around the keys. “Ah, Kell, we’re not even close to being even yet.”

  He was chuckling as he sauntered down to my car. Chuckling! This was going to hurt almost as much as what I had to buy…

  With white knuckles, I had Evan drive us to the mall. He groaned as he pulled into the parking garage. I groaned at how fast he was taking the corners. “You know a car could fly down the path and cream us any second, right?”

  “We’re in a muscle car, Kellan. I think we’d cream them.” The tires screeched as he made a turn.

  “Let’s not find out!” I yelled, irritated.

  When he pulled into a stall, he clapped my shoulder. “You’re far too attached to this thing. You need to relax.”

  “Thing?” I yanked the car keys from the ignition. “I stay loyal to the ‘things’ I like. I don’t change them out every six months on a whim. If you ask me, you’re far too unattached.”

  Evan gave me a strange look. “Yeah…you might be right.”

  Shoving the keys back into my jacket, where they belonged, I climbed out of the car and started planning where I wanted to go first. “We need to find a jewelry store.” Evan groaned again.

  We searched every jewelry store in the mall, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for. Eventually, Evan and I left the mall and started seeking out stores elsewhere. We were roaming the streets downtown when I finally spotted exactly what I wanted in a display case in a window. “That’s it,” I said, dragging him inside.

  “Thank God,” he muttered, looking like we’d been at this for days instead of hours.

  The store was about to close, so I quickly found a salesperson. A tall woman, impeccably dressed, with long, straight auburn hair was locking some engagement rings into a case as a happy couple walked away from her. For a moment, as I watched the couple leave, a spike of jealousy flashed through me. The man had his arm around the girl, and she was staring at the new ring on her finger. They were getting their happily ever after, and I was preparing for lifelong misery. It didn’t seem fair, but then again, when was life ever fair? Especially to me.

  Pulling my gaze away, I stepped up to the woman at the counter. “Excuse me, I’d like to see something.”

  Pausing in locking the case, she looked up at me. Her smile widened as her eyes flicked over my face. “Oh…hello…” Pulling the rack of engagement rings back out, she said, “Are you looking for a ring to give your sweetheart?”

  Wistfully, I shook my head. “No…I’m not.” Raising my eyes to hers, I indicated the window with my thumb. “I’d like to see the guitar necklace, please.”

  Relocking the rings, she straightened and started heading over to the window. “Ah, yes, that’s a lovely piece, isn’t it?” Opening the display with a key, she glanced at my ring finger, then murmured, “For your…girlfriend?”

  I pursed my lips, wondering if that was what Kiera was to me. “No…I don’t know. We’re…complicated.”

  With a nod, the saleswoman removed the necklace from the fabric display neckpiece. “Say no more. We see a lot of…complicated situations in here.”

  She handed me the necklace, and my fingers were shaking as I took it. The guitar was perfectly crafted, delicate but sturdy, and there was a large circle diamond in the center that sparkled in the lights. It was me, and it was Kiera…the perfect embodiment of what we were, or rather, what we’d never be. I couldn’t think of anything better to give her to help her remember me and what we’d gone through. “I’ll take it,” I whispered, not even looking at the price tag.

  “Excellent,” the woman beamed. “I’ll go ring it up for you.”

  While she walked away, Evan stepped up to me. “Kellan…you can’t expect her to wear that. It’s too obvious.”

  I shook my head as I stared at the glow emanating from the diamond. “I don’t expect her to. I don’t expect anything. But this is what I want to give her.” My eyes were watering when I looked over at him. “This is how I want to say goodbye.”

  Evan gave me a sad, understanding nod. Not wanting to start bawling in the middle of a high-end jewelry store, I sniffed back the emotion and walked over to the register. The woman was preparing a fancy velvet-lined box. I probably wouldn’t use it. I didn’t want a fancy presentation, I just wanted Kiera to have it. She pressed a few buttons on her machine, then spouted out a high-four-figure total. Evan started choking and coughing simultaneously. He’d probably never paid that much for jewelry. I hadn’t either, but for this…I’d gladly pay three times as much if I had to.

  The saleswoman was checking me out the entire time she boxed up my purchase. After she handed it to me with my receipt, she gave me her business card. “If you ever find yourself not in a complicated relationship…call me.”

  She gave me a glorious smile and a playful wink. In another life, I would have taken her up on that offer. Not now though. I handed the card back to her. “I’ll never be out of this relationship. Not really. She has me for life.”

  The saleswoman’s smile fell away. “Lucky girl,” she whispered.

  My answering smile was faint. Yeah, lucky girl. Except, not all luck was good.

  When we left the store, small bag in hand, Evan frowned at me. I frowned back. I figured he would be happy that we were done shopping. With a compassionate voice, he said, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it sucks. Well, I can imagine it sucks. I guess I don’t really know.”

  I nodded and looked out over the streets that were starting to empty. “It sucks and it doesn’t suck. It’s horrible and it’s amazing, all at the same time. That’s what makes it so hard.”

  He gave me a sympathetic smile. “You’re doing the right thing by walking away. If you do it early enough, Denny may not ever know.”

  I studied the ground. The right thing didn’t always feel like the right thing. Sometimes it just felt like shit. “Yeah…” Looking back up at him, I said, “I don’t feel like going to Pete’s tonight. Would you mind practicing the song with me again? Just the two of us. I’ll do Matt’s part, and we can get through it without a bass line.”

  Evan’s eyes were contemplative as he studied me. “Sure thing, man. Whatever you need.”

  Chapter 28

  Making Love

  I ended up staying at Evan’s, perfecting my goodbye song for Kiera, until I passed out from exhaustion. Evan was still sleeping when I quietly left his place in the morning. I felt worn from the inside out when I settled into my car, but I felt ready to say goodbye. Some small part of me was still hoping I wouldn’t have to…but I knew that was ridiculous. Why in the hell would she give up her perfect relationship with Denny for a broken hunk of junk like me?

  Denny’s car was gone from the driveway when I pulled up. I’
d been gone for so long, what day it was escaped me. It must be Friday. Matt would have hunted me down by now if I’d missed our gig at the bar. The house was quiet when I stepped inside. I looked into the living room, then walked into the kitchen. When I didn’t spot her, I figured Kiera was upstairs. Or gone. I hoped she wasn’t gone.

  Even though my clothes were clean—I’d washed and dried them, and myself, last night while working on the song with Evan—I wanted to peel them off me. I’d been wearing the same outfit for days. When I reached the top step, I heard a door opening. I looked up in time to see Kiera leaving the bathroom. She looked fresh and clean, with her long brown hair curled and bouncing around her shoulders. Her full lips shone with a rosy tint, and her cheeks were highlighted with a light peach color that hinted at the flush that crept up her skin when she was embarrassed. Everything about her was perfect…except her eyes. There was more brown than green in the wide depths this morning, and they looked as worn as I felt. As her eyes quickly filled with tears, I thought she was suffering from as much restrained pain as me. Was that a good thing, or a bad thing?

  With a reassuring smile, I gave her my typical greeting. “Mornin’.” I wondered if she could tell that in my head, I always added the word beautiful after that.

  I started walking toward her, but that was too slow for Kiera. She ran to me. Tossing her arms around my neck, she buried her head in my shoulder and started to cry. That wasn’t the reaction I’d been hoping for. I held her tight while she sobbed out, “I thought you left. I thought I’d never see you again.”

  Feeling horrible for being gone so long, I rubbed her back. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I needed…to take care of something.”

  She pulled away from me, then smacked me in the chest. Her eyes were fiery as she snapped, “Don’t ever do that again!” Amused at how cute she was when she was angry, I put a hand on her cheek. Her anger faded as she stared at me. In a softer voice, she added, “Don’t leave me like that…”

  From the way she said it, it was clear she thought I would leave her one day. She was right, and she was wrong. I would leave her to save her. To save her relationship with the man she deserved to be with, the one she truly wanted, I would back down. But I would say goodbye first. “I wouldn’t, Kiera. I wouldn’t just…disappear.” I won’t leave us unfinished. I’ll give you closure.

  As I stroked her cheek, Kiera studied my eyes. I loved it when she looked at me. I could swim for days in her ever-shifting eyes. Out of the blue, Kiera spoke a set of words I’d been waiting a lifetime to hear…

  “I love you.”

  The words were so simple, a barely speaking child could learn them, but they were so damn powerful…lives had been destroyed because of them. And their effect on me was immediate. My eyes burned as moisture worked its way to the surface. I shut them and twin tears worked their way down my cheeks. I felt like sobbing, I felt like laughing. Joy and pain spun around within me in an agonizing dance, and I had no idea which emotion was in the lead. She does love me. Someone loves me.

  I felt Kiera brush my tears aside. “I love you…so much.”

  The honesty in her voice, the sadness, the compassion, the elation…it all made me want to crumple to my knees, wrap my arms around her, and never let her go. How can I leave the only person who has ever admitted they loved me? More tears escaped my eyes as I opened them. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I’ve wanted…How long I’ve waited…”

  I could barely speak through the torrent of emotions circulating throughout my body, slicing me open and yet healing me, all at the same time. Kiera didn’t let me finish. She didn’t need an explanation; she knew my inner turmoil, my lifetime of pain. And right now, she wanted me to feel more than the emptiness of my lonely, disconnected existence. She wanted to show me the love she felt for me, and I wanted to let her.

  Raising her lips to mine, she stopped my painful revelation with a tender kiss. I cupped her cheek with my other hand, savoring her warmth. Gently pulling on my neck, Kiera urged me to follow her. Our mouths still moving together, I did. She led us into my bedroom and stopped us beside the bed. Without a word, with our lips only momentarily pausing, we undressed. When her body was bare before me—perfectly sculpted, lean, athletic, yet soft and arousing—I pulled back to admire her.

  “You are so beautiful,” I whispered, running a hand through her wavy hair.

  She didn’t blush with my compliment this time; a warm smile was her only response. Bringing my lips back to hers, I gently eased her onto the bed. I didn’t want to rush this. I wanted to know every curve of her body by heart. I wanted to hear every noise she made when I touched her, and I wanted to understand what each sound meant. I wanted to please her, give her a moment that she would never forget, because this was going to be with me forever.

  My fingers moved against her skin as effortlessly as they moved against my guitar. And the sounds that came from her were just as wondrous as that instrument. Even though our bodies were ready, we took our time. Her hands ran along my shoulders, down my back. Mine traced the ridges of her ribs, the curve of her hip. Her mouth placed soft kisses along my jaw line, mine trailed down her neck. By the time my lips wandered down to her breasts, she was arching her back with need. A moan escaped me as I lovingly wrapped my mouth around her nipple. I want this every day.

  When I could finally leave her chest, I traveled farther south. Kiera clutched my skin, squeezing, then smoothing, as the anticipation climbed higher. I stretched it out as long as possible, touching every part of her except the one part she really wanted. When I finally did run my tongue over the most sensitive part of her, the cry she let out was glorious. I want her so much.

  Then I was gently pushed to my back, and Kiera explored me. She followed my cues, touching, teasing, loving me with gentle strokes. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed the sensation of her skin on mine. Nothing felt better than this. My heart and soul were connected to every move she made. And even when her tongue traveled along the deep V of my abdomen, what I felt the most was a bone-deep, life-changing love for her.

  When it was clear that another teasing touch from either of us was going to drive us over the edge, I rolled her to her back and moved over the top of her. A part of me wanted to hurry up and plunge inside her, but I didn’t want to rush this either. This might be it for us; I didn’t want it to be over too quickly.

  Locking eyes with Kiera, I slowly slid into her. I closed mine as the intensity washed over me. Every millimeter I moved was exquisite. I’d never felt anything so powerful, and for half a second, I worried that I wouldn’t make it long enough to please her.

  I didn’t move when we were fully connected. I couldn’t. I needed a minute. Kiera’s fingers brushed my cheek, and her words breezed past my ear. “I love you.”

  Opening my eyes, I gazed down at the beautiful, incredible woman beneath me. “I love you so much.”

  Clenching her hand, I started to move. Bliss tore through me. “Kiera…I love you,” I whispered.

  Her head dropped back as her hips met mine. “I love you…”

  We kept the pace slow and unhurried; even still, I could feel the pressure building. I ignored it as best I could and allowed myself to concentrate on her face, her noises, and the feeling bursting inside my chest. The emotion of the moment was dwarfing my rising climax. I never knew love could be like this…

  After a long time that felt much too short, Kiera began breathing faster and her muscles started stiffening beneath me. I knew she was close. Slightly picking up my pace, I prepared myself to let go. Let go, and love her. Her hand in mine tightened, and her lips parted as her breath increased. She was so beautiful when she came. I could see the instant she hit her peak, and I released the precarious hold on my control. The burst of euphoria shot through me a second later, and I murmured her name as I rode it out. My name left her lips, and my bliss was twofold. She loves me.

  The joy subsided into peaceful happiness, and after removing myself from he
r, I rolled onto my back. Not wanting us to be too far apart, I pulled her into my chest. She was so warm, so soft, so…wonderful. That entire experience had opened me to something I’d never known before, and I suddenly understood what the term “making love” really meant. Sex was only a small part of sex.

  Wishing this moment could last forever, and knowing that wasn’t possible, I held her close and listened to my heart slow down. When Kiera looked up at me, there were shiny tear trails down her cheeks and a sad smile on her lips. I understood her tears; I could feel my own eyes stinging in response. I want to keep this. I don’t want to let you go.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you too,” she said with a kiss.

  Her words made my heart sizzle with painful joy. Unbidden, thoughts of never seeing her again entered my head. Thoughts of her and Denny entered my head. Thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life entered my head. Was that my destiny? Closing my eyes, I shut out the worries I didn’t want to have right now. Kiera was in my arms, and that was all I wanted to concentrate on.

  A tear leaked out when I closed my eyes though, and Kiera spotted it. “What are you thinking about?” she asked, her voice tentative.

  “Nothing,” I answered, keeping my eyes closed. I wanted to block out the world. Everything but her in my arms.

  Kiera didn’t buy my answer, even though I was being honest. I could feel her inspecting me more closely, so I opened my eyes. “I’m trying to not think about anything. It hurts too much when I think…”

  Biting her lip and looking apologetic, Kiera repeated, “I love you.”

  I nodded as my doubts became words. “Just not enough…not enough to leave him?”

  Kiera closed her eyes while I cringed. Why did I say that? I didn’t mean to make this even harder on her. I just…that was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced, and I couldn’t imagine giving it up. I couldn’t imagine giving her up. Couldn’t picture how empty my world would be once she was gone.